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Hi. My mother has resided in a nursing home for 3 months now. It is a very good and highly rated facility, and we her family trust and have confidence in the staff. I and my siblings visit her regularly, at least 2 times a week, often more. My aunt (our mom's sister) seems to think that a family member should be with our mom almost every waking moment, i.e., that a family member should be with her for every meal, and to sit with her to watch TV in the evenings until bedtime. I think this may be excessive and wonder if we may even be annoying the staff. I guess my question is: Can family visits be TOO much?

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Here is something that we noticed when we visited my FIL - because he was so far away - we did limit our visits - most of us were still working full time, still had families at home and other family members that needed help as well. So we were stretched thin to begin with. But we visited him once every other week.

During the week - he would make progress (as much as he was going to make, he's not the nicest of people to begin with and he treated everyone around him like total crap, but he would at least attempt to do what they were asking to begin with).

The instant we arrived, he would regress. He couldn't do a single thing for himself. Things that he SHOULD have been able to do, and did for himself when we weren't there - he just stopped. We told him were were there to visit - if he needed assistance (to the bathroom for example) he had to push the call button - because we weren't trained to assist him ( we are talking about a 300lb nearly immobile man). He quite literally would be suddenly not be able to reach the button - which was right in front of him. And other similar tasks that were the last shred of independence he had.

Now...every single situation is different. But I do think that family can visit too much, if it prevents the loved one from doing things for themselves, from adjusting to the facility, from doing what they should be doing to continue to progress in any PT or OT, etc.

If family could take care of them round the clock - they wouldn't be in a facility in the first place. Residential care is designed to provide round the clock care for people who can no longer care for themselves. And to ease the load and concerns of the family.
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Reply to BlueEyedGirl94
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I think you should visit often but not too much. Visit enough so that the staff knows that there are family members who care. I agree with the answer that says residents are sometimes treated better when the staff knows a relative might show up anytime.
I have heard of people hiring others to sit with their relatives in the hospital 24/7. I personally think this is too much. The staff at the hospital takes care of the patients needs.
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Reply to faithfulbeauty
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In my experience with nursing homes, I will say this the more frequently a resident gets visits the better care and treatment, I would also be unpredictable with the times and days you visit. Aides and nurses are usually out number by about 1 aide for every 8,10,12 even 20 residents. They have a tough job however they too are human. Let's say mom is incontinent and goes in an adult brief, the worked aide might say in the back of her mind I'm going to lunch first leaving Mom in this mess for 30 minutes to an hour, however, if that aide knows families visit all the time she is less likely to take a chance that someone may or may not walk in, same can be said about getting them out of bed into a reclining chair before someone from the family comes in. So keep visiting
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Skelly1230 Jun 26, 2024
Yes, this has been our experience, and I can only speak to that. Dad is incontintent and wears adult briefs. We do have one of my siblings (his kids) visit once a day and we do come at different times. Most of us before dinner time, but my brother does lunch on his two days to visit. There have been times Dad is soaked through his depends, the extra pads we put in there, his pants and the pad on his wheelchair. They must have missed a changing time that day. If we did not visit often we would not know this was happening. He has had sores on his bottom from time to time and this greatly aggravates this.
He also has very shaky hands and cannot feed himself, Whoever is there for that meal does this for him. We know he is getting a full meal at least once a day. We also help brush his teeth and my brother and i take turns shaving him. He has a fungus on his toenails now, so I have a home made spray I use to treat them and they are looking so much better.
There are other issues that have come up, like sores on his arms and hands, that we would never have known if we did not visit and did not have the cameras in his room. This is what works for us and our dad is very happy to see any of us. Even if he doesn't remember our names, his face lights up. The other residents say he is so lucky to have us and the staff seem to appreciate our visits. We greet and talk to all the residents. This weekend we took a cake, ice cream and balloons for Dads 95th birthday. Many of the residents joined us and my brother sang with his guitar many songs they could sing along with. I love seeing all the residents' smiles and singing. I have a hard time believing any of this is not good for them. So I take 3-4 hour periods of time twice a week to help him. But he did so much for me in my life, I can at least do that. Again, just my opinion.
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Thank you for your insights. I'm new to this idea of not being responsible for someone else's feelings, and it takes some work. :-)
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Reply to AgingHelen123
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No ,it is not to much. That is all they have to keep them going. I am ninty I live alone I have a visit once a week sometime it is two weeks,but that is my life line.
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AgingHelen123 Jun 26, 2024
Thank you, Tucklizz, for chiming in. I can understand how one visit a week (or two) could be hard. I don't have any children and only one nephew, so I wonder, looking ahead sometimes, how lonely old age might be.
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The excess visits can prevent mom from establishing friendships and getting involved in the activities that the facility has.
Mom also needs to begin to rely on the staff to do things for her that she needs help with. When family is there the urge "to do" for her may be getting in the way of what the staff has to do.
The person that is POA for mom can establish a visiting schedule. So that might be allowing visiting between the hours of 10:00 am and 3:00 pm on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Something like that would give mom a break, staff a break and allow them to do what needs to be done in the morning and afternoon and your relatives would be able to have lunch with her a few days a week.
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AgingHelen123 Jun 26, 2024
Thank you for this. My siblings and I coordinate with our Aunt about who goes to visit which days. Overall I guess it is going ok. Yesterday I just asked Mom -- great idea, no!?! -- "Do you get tired of us being here all the time?" She said, "No." Our mom has never been one to join groups.... Is congenial but not outgoing... a pleasant person to visit with, but not one to seek out people to converse with. Introverted. We do try to stay out of the way of the staff, and let them know they are appreciated.
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Quilted Bear made a good point, what about the roommate. Having family there may disturb the RM from having a nap. I am with Fawny, the LO may not enjoy family being there all the time. They may want to watch TV in peace. Read a book. Take a nap. If Dementia has set in, the LO has no conception of time. My Mom was visiting an Aunt. On the way out she met Aunts sister, Moms SIL. When the sister got to Aunts room she said "I see Peggy was here" My Aunt said "No Peggy wasn't here".

You are OK. If you aren't already doing this now, have you and siblings visit on different days. And it does not have to be for more than an hour. Your Aunt, ignore her. I had one like that. We were never nasty to her but none of the nieces and nephews liked her. We just ignored her. Like said, tell her she can do what she likes.
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AgingHelen123 Jun 26, 2024
"Your Aunt, ignore her. I had one like that...." It does get wearisome though, doesn't it... The One Who Knows Best all the time. Yes, I am respectful of her but don't spend more time with her than necessary. Thanks.
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I think I'd retreat to a nursing home to GET AWAY from family. Just sayin'.
We get family visits to my LO, who has dementia, and our visitors will ramble on and on about other family members and their travels and their kids and their jobs and their new houses. LO does not remember any of them - not a one. Lots of polite nodding and smiling, but absolutely no connection. But hey, they did their family duty and visited! If only they'd stay home so I could have a nap..... :-(
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Skelly1230 Jun 25, 2024
😢. Does your LO seem to enjoy the visit? I think it’s great that they like to come by and see your loved one. If it annoys you, why don’t you go into another room or even go for a drive and relax a little bit. It’ll be a good time for you to decompress.
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No. It is not too much. If your mother's sister wants to stay with her for that many hours I say God bless her and don't interfere.

If your aunt is not causing trouble and being disruptive, the staff should be grateful she is there because it means they can do even less for your mother. Don't worry about them getting annoyed. It's not for your family to make their jobs easier. Nursing homes and memory care facilities these days actually have the audacity and nerve to tell families to HIRE privately paid caregivers to look after their 'loved one' so they really don't have to do any care. This place should be delighted your mother already comes with a full-time caregiver/companion.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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AgingHelen123 Jun 26, 2024
Interesting idea to hire a privately paid caregiver for a nursing home resident! Yowza!
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Hopefully, she has a private room ...

Would be extremely unfair to a roommate. (If she has one.)
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Reply to QuiltedBear
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JoAnn29 Jun 25, 2024
Good point. If on Medicaid there are no private room.
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If it's appropriate to spend every waking moment with a loved one in a nursing home, why are they living in a nursing home to begin with? Auntie should've moved sister into HER home to find out precisely why it's a ridiculous idea. It's crazy how common sense isn't very common anymore, isn't it???
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Skelly1230 Jun 25, 2024
Sometimes a family will move their loved one with Alzheimer’s into an assisted-living facility because they don’t have the ability to care for them on their own. I’m a widow and I could not care for my dad by myself. He has fallen a few times and needs help using the bathroom and I am not strong enough or equipped enough to do all that by myself. Same thing with my other siblings. They either work or they don’t have the house to handle Wheelchair and walker. Our situation has turned out great. We visit very often and make sure everything’s being done for him, we also have cameras in the rooms for safety reasons.
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Why is Auntie running the show? She is certainly welcome to be the one orbiting around her sister. Tell her you're so happy she's willing to do that. If she demurs, then you inform her that you don't think it's necessary and won't be doing it. Period. Then change the topic.
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Reply to Geaton777
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A new resident in a nursing home needs time and opportunity to meet her new "tribe." That won't happen if a family member is always hovering. Too much family visitation should be discouraged, IMO.

I once lived in a small town with a small hospital, and the locals always made sure lots of family members were in the room with the sick relative. The noise and traffic and crying and carrying on were a trial and tribulation for the afflicted person's roommate or others in the hospital who wanted to rest or sleep.

Visiting is overrated. It's one of those things that should be kept short and simple, keeping the best interest of the patient in mind.
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Reply to Fawnby
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"My aunt (our mom's sister) seems to think that a family member should be with our mom almost every waking moment..."

It's amusing how people, such as your aunt, can make suggestions to others to do things they themselves would never do. When your aunt makes such suggestions, don't engage or try to explain why this would be impossible. Simply say something mundane like "Thank you for your concern" and change the subject.

Visiting twice a week is enough and perhaps more than enough. Are you right down the street or hours away? There are no hard and fast rules, but it is important to keep a regular presence to insure she is receiving good care, which it sounds like you're already doing.
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Reply to Dogwood63
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Skelly1230 Jun 25, 2024
I agree with you. I Earlier posted that Visiting more than twice a week is great, but I didn’t know she was expected to visit more than twice a week. I thought it meant various family members. I go see my dad twice a week at dinner time help him eat and get cleaned up for the night and visit with him as he settles down before the caretaker gets there. I’m probably there for about 3 to 4 hours at the most. Every day, one of us goes by for at least a couple of hours to make sure everything‘s fine and his face lights up when he sees us even though he doesn’t remember who we are., he knows he left. It’s so sad to see so many residents at the assisted-living facility with no one who ever visits. It’s like the family member put them in there and forget about them and move on with their own lives. But you should never let a sibling or relative make you feel guilty for how often you visit or when you visit. It’s totally up to you and you’re able to. And you don’t owe them any explanation.
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Tell your aunt that she is more than welcome to move into the facility to be with her sister 24/7.
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Fawnby Jun 25, 2024
It seems like these busybodies are always aunts. How is it that they think they can tell everyone else what to do? I've nicknamed one of my aunts Rude Aunt on this site. It describes her behavior during family illnesses to a T. Always jumping in to order us about but refusing to take on one iota of care or responsibility herself. On this site I found out that there are plenty of others like her. It must be a wackadoodle rogue gene that infects aunts and becomes activated when a family member needs care.
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Yes a family can visit someone too much in any facility. Your aunt is being ridiculous! Tell her that if she feels someone should be with your mom "every waking moment" that SHE is more than welcome to do just that.
And if she's not willing to do that, then tell her to shut up and mind her own business.
Your mom needs time to herself and also to mingle with the other folks there.
Who in their right mind want to be around their family all the time? Certainly not me!
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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You don’t say how old your mother is or why she’s in a SNF but no matter, it’s not necessary or practical for one of you to be with her every waking hour. Has your mother suggested that or just her sister? You aren’t responsible for your Aunt’s feelings so don’t spend much time and thought there. Explain to her that you all are comfortable and confident in the care Mom receives and the amount of time you all spend with her. That’s it - don’t defend your decisions because that’s a futile exercise.
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