That’s what I felt and that’s what I said. While trying to move a box, I fell backwards and was not hurt, more startled than anything. My husband with Alz, got mad and jutting out his hand and said “get up” with such venom, I said no, just get away from me. Of course, then he turns and says I am so mean to him and walks off having a tantrum, leaving me on the floor!
He is still in the early stages…I have so much worse yet to come. I am the one who fell, and my husband acted as if I did something wrong, then has the audacity to claim I hurt his feelings, and he leaves me on the floor.
How can I keep my temper in check? On the plus side, he won’t remember I told him I hated him, of course, I don’t hate him, I just hate Alzheimer’s. It’s just he and I, so no other family to help out. I just get so tired of doing EVERYTHING, only to be either ignored or treated badly.
He is very self sufficient still…it’s just his hateful attitude. After falling today, I wonder what would happen if I had a real medical emergency? Would he just look at me with disdain while I’m turning blue? It’s just scary and I don’t have any answers or any control.
Your profile says that your Significant Other is 60 (so young!).
Does he have a definitive dx of dementia? Was he mean before this?
One of the things that many of us have discovered is that our loved ones with dementia become "more so". Sweet people become sweeter; mean people likewise.
It sounds like you don't have much support. Have you contacted the local Area Agency on Aging to fing out what resources might be available?
My husband is the most kind and gentle person in the world. That’s one reason this constant arguing is wearing my down. You can’t reason with him…if you get mad at him, he turns into a petulant child. We never used to bicker li’e this.
When I fell, I needed a minute to catch my breath and just sit there for a minute, I have osteoporosis and I wanted to make sure I hadn’t really hurt myself. When my husband jutted his hand in my face and said get up very harshly, he was trying to help me, I think, but when I said no, just let me sit for a minute, then he got mad and had a tantrum and stormed off leaving me on the floor. Actually, I don’t think his outwards emotions are matching what his emotions are inside his head, if that’s possible and with this disease, I think anything is possible,
I have been trying to get my ducks in a row. I have just gotten all the power of attorneys (med, durable etc). Have yet to submit the doc to get his power of att on his SS check. We have done our wills.
I have not yet looked into memory care facilities. He is still very early stage. In fact I’ve had people tell me it’s doesn’t seem anything is wrong with him. You may think that, until you try to “do anything” with him. I found him rummaging thru the pantry, I said what are you looking for, he said the ice cream! I said we keep it in the freezer, he looked at me like I had three heads and I had to show him where the freezer is. It’s getting increasingly difficult to have any meaningful conversation with him.
I know things will get much much worse. I’m hoping that the argumentative petulant child will maybe get quieter. I shouldn’t say that because, I will be very much alone when my husband gets worse. Even though we do a lot of bickering now, at least neither of us is alone. Because yes, in the future, if I have to argue with him about using the toilet rather than a chair, I will have to get him into a place. That makes me so sad, but I know it’s inevitable. So I still have that on my list, trying to see what we can afford, if we can afford home care for a while, before he has to go into full time care.
I am trying to enjoy some of our time together. I just wish the bickering would stop. It’s something I am working on…I can’t control him, but I need to learn to control me.
I am ok after my fall - a very bruised and sore backside tho!
thanks for your comments!
I think it's very important for you to formulate a plan for the future. To place him in managed care of some kind if things get bad and you can't manage him at home anymore. Even if you don't actually place him, just having the plan to do so allows your mind an escape route and thereby, a way to calm down. There's nothing worse than feeling trapped, in my opinion, to have panic attacks and feel hopelessly desperate.
Then go talk to an elder care attorney about your options down the road, about your financial situation, about Medicaid and the Look back period in your state, etc. S/he can guide you accordingly and help relieve your mind of more concerns. More plans = less stress.
This is what I did in 2014 on behalf of my parents after dad fell and broke his hip. Assisted Living followed. My mother is now 95 with advanced dementia living in Memory Care Assisted Living and brutally mean and nasty to me, the only child and only person in her life that's cared for her for 64 years aside from dad who died in 2015. The elder care attorney advised me about Medicaid requirements back in 2014 and now mom will be out of money soon, so I know what to do next, thank God.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation and sending you a hug of understanding and empathy. See if you can find DH daycare so you have some downtime for yourself. Don't lose yourself in the quagmire of caregiving which we see happen here ALL the time.
My husband is 15" taller, 75 lbs heavier than I am. If he were to become violent--I'd be dead.
If you are afraid, listen to that feeling. He would never mean to hurt you, but he could, without thinking.
The only thing you can do is realize that this will continue to happen. It will get worse. He can't help it, it is the part of his brain that is damaged.
You have to learn to laugh. Yup. Even when you would least expect it. I found that a good belly laugh would stop my Husband in his tracks and then he would start laughing, forgetting what was going on, or what he was fixated on at the time. Making it easier to redirect him or diffuse the situation. Not easy to laugh sometimes but pretty soon a "forced" laugh becomes real especially when the whole situation is or seems ridiculous.
I will add this. My Husband was NEVER violent. Had he been it would not have been safe for me to keep him at home. That is one of the reasons that I established "my" break point. I always said if it became unsafe for ME to keep him at home I would have to place him. If it ever became unsafe for HIM for me to keep him at home I would have to place him. So for me it was completely based on safety. (I include not just physical safety but mental, emotional safety)
I get frustrated with others, when they say things like he/she looks fine to ME... so I get your frustration over that. How I reconcile that is factually - that they have their own eyes to see with & someone may indeed look 'fine' to them (doesn't mean they are!) But no-one can take away what I see, think & feel.
No-one is going to know your DH better than YOU!
I would certainly find it insulting if friends/family indicated they did. Probably not badly meant, just ignorant.
No broken bones for you - thanks goodness. Maybe once to your bruises heal, your can start to plan out the future. It is like grief, letting go of how you may have planned the future.
I just finish bickering with my own DH.. for a while now he has started thinking any leftovers in the fridge are within 2-3 days & he argues & gaslights if I recount the last 5 meals we ate. So now I just chuck stuff when he is out but he came home & caught me...
I totally empathise that our future retirement may well be different to the one I had planned.
never say remember
try not to ask too many questions. Try to remember his brain is BROKEN and he very likely feels something is wrong with him. I’m going thru the same thing except now my husband is VERY advanced. He thinks I’m a friend and he abandoned a wife and kids. Our kids are 44 and 46 and we’ve been married 52 years. High school sweethearts. Enjoy the time you have with him. If he starts to argue leave the room for a while then come back. Is he a veteran? If he is, he’s entitled to home health aids ( free). Get help so you can get out even to just run errands . Good luck . This is an evil disease
Good luck!
But yes, I have seen enough on this website alone that shows me this is the “new normal” where dementia is concerned.
it’s just us two, so I don’t have support except for this forum. Every time I try to hook up with a phone support group, my sched doesn’t allow it or my husband is with me. I’ll keep trying.
Im here too for anyone else who needs to vent!
Now, I stop and recall the picture I saw of a diseased Alzheimer’s brain. It makes it easier to accept his continuing decline.
God bless you and keep you and your husband.
thanks for your post.
I deal with the hateful attitude almost all the time, unless there are others around, then he becomes so very nice. Show-timing is what I've been told it is called. Example -- When he watches TV (golf or football usually), I better not open my mouth unless it is a commercial. He will throw his hand up in my face and say, "Now what did you make me miss? I didn't hear what he said." Our 16yo grandson was here last night watching a game with him, and all my husband did was gab the whole time to the point that I think we were all (grandson, son, and myself) wishing he would quiet down.
How to keep your temper in check? I bite my tongue a lot, I do a lot of walking away, and I tune out -- play stupid games on my Chromebook during the hours that I am expected to sit with him. Every once in a while I try to explain why something he said was wrong or hurtful and he always deflects it back to me, never takes responsibility. So, silence or removing myself are my ways of keeping my temper in check. And writing to get out my thoughts and emotions -- I have a document on my computer that I update as needed.
I'm glad you found this website and forum. Hopefully you will get as much encouragement, direction, and support as I have.
You need to find a way to rest and recharge. This is very, very hard to do. But you have to lessen your load somehow or you will break. And possibly die.
I speak from experience. I collapsed from exhaustion and literally almost died in hospital. It is still hard - I know what you are going through.
Just something to consider. And that way it’s not all on your shoulders. And you will have support.
I have been married 39 years to this man, giving him everything, all my effort. All my priority And I'm just sick of it already and it has just started to get worse this year. It's gut wrenching to feel abandoned by this disease causing this. I recommend getting some therapy to help your coping skills...I started to get it and then stopped because we had a few good weeks in September..
But now it's all silence and pouting and driving me crazy.
Todays our anniversary and there is no recognition of it at all. Just like last year...nothing. it is so hurtful. But I keep telling myself it's the brain disease.
God bless you. Praying for us to get through this.
Who could understand this crap every day or evey week. We are happily married.. right?
The adult kids have no clue and nor should I burden them with this view of their father.
(Oh...the sex demmands.....sheeese.....glad I'm not alone in that department)
the pantry to the refrigerator back and forth all day. I work 3-4 twelve hour shifts and I feel he is ok by himself. But it is extremely frustrating. When I say to him it is hard and I really shouldn’t say that to him, his famous last words are just dump me!
And...sometimes you really wish you could or would. :)
As others have written, I've begun to look into long term memory care, you must have a back up.
Take care of yourself, look into respite care, it's great.
One thing I learned from someone on this forum is that he will mirror my moods. If I become angry, he becomes very stubborn and refuses to shower, eat, etc. If I manage to stay calm, he will do whatever I ask. I pray every day for patience and kindness.
He was a wonderful husband and father. Now he does not remember our children or grandchildren. I don't think he remembers me. I'm just here all the time. This forum is a wonderful place to vent and to get advice. It has kept me from "sticking my head in the oven" many times.
Take care of yourself and hire some help if you can. I have a lady from an agency come three times a week for four hours each time. It gives me a little time to get away for a few hours. I look forward to that "me" time. Dementia is an awful diagnosis because your person is pretty much gone. (((((Hugs to you))))
Nevertheless, I need to be more aware of my moods. I never thought that my mother may be mirroring my moods. When I get frustrated with her I often let it show and I need to put more effort into overcoming the urge to reveal how I'm feeling.
Thanks for your post.
when I came to he was just standing over me not saying anything just staring blankly. He is also in the early stages of the disease.
later that day I scolded him for not helping me up. “You can’t even get help for me”. He snapped back “At least the ironing board didn’t kick my A-s“
Many of the entries included the statement, "I don't like her." Here was a place I could put it all down without holding back. My 96 year old mother has lived with me for a year and a half. I have told her on several occasions that she's a Diva. She doesn't argue.
Of course you don't hate your husband, but hate the situation you are faced with and came to a point where your feelings came pouring out. I think we have all been there. I have blown my top at my mother only to receive a bewildering look from her.
I don't know if writing in a journal will help you, but I find it a great relief to be able to "say" everything I'm thinking and feeling, good, bad, and ugly.
God Bless us all who have taken on the task He has given us - serve others.
Saying those words - are the only thing I regret during all the years I cared for him. I know it is hard. I prayed that God would give me patience and understanding and to keep my mouth closed. For your own sanity in to the future, please try not to verbalize the sentiment to your husband.
Get help now. Make some kind of plan going forward to ensure your heart and soul.