I have to make the arrangements for my father. My dad left a handwritten note saying he wanted to be cremated and maybe have a simple memorial service. I’m not sure if he wrote that during Covid, or not.
Other than myself, my husband & daughter, my mother (ex wife) and a couple of dad’s cousins (maybe), I don’t know who would come to a memorial service. Especially with Covid. You can’t hug, or shake hands, etc.
I haven’t lived in my dad’s town for decades and don’t know who his friends or acquaintances are. His 2 closest friends died before him. I’d be relying on the obituary bringing in some friends or acquaintances.
His ashes are to be buried in another town with the family plot at a later date. Is it lame to skip the local memorial and maybe have a smaller family service when his ashes are buried? I’m so tired from family drama plus his hospitalization I just can’t think straight any more.
Invite clergy if you desire but if you don’t wish to, you could read the 23rd psalm and a couple of his favorite scriptures.
You’re right in saying that Covid has changed everything.
The only other thing that I can think of is having a Zoom service.
I love the idea of a tree. Thanks for mentioning this. My friend planted a young maple tree in my yard when my father died in 2002.
Every time I look at my tree I think of my father. It’s grown so much and is a beautiful tree. This is a lovely way to remember our loved ones.
When mom died, we had a small funeral, with the expectation of doing a church memorial this spring, when hopefully everything opened back up. Well, things here really haven't improved, numbers wise, and the longer the time goes since she passed, the more I have been thinking that a full-on church service is unnecessary. We were really doing it more for my niece, since she was unable to fly in, and was hoping to get back East in the Spring, but again, I don't see that happening.
Whichever decision you make will be the "right" one, as long as you are reasonably sure you won't look back, beating yourself up afterwards.
And you have my deepest sympathies for your loss. (((hugs))))
So my suggestion would be to wait until the actual burial since you have no idea who his friends are. Even though my MIL had lived in FL for 23yrs and had made friends, the family present had chosen to keep things family only.
First and most important, breathe. Deep slow breaths. Ask the nurses at your grandmother's facility to help you talk to your grandmother. They should be able to help you. Take it one day at a time. If your dad left instructions for a funeral, burial place, follow them to the best of your ability. If it is something you just can't handle, don't do it. No one will criticize or judge you, and your daddy certainly wouldn't want you to fret.
If he didn't leave instructions, then do what you can handle.
Just remember, your dad is now healthy and pain free and safe with the angels, and he will be your guardian Angel from now on.
GREAT big hugs to YOU. You will be able to handle it.
Since your father wanted something simple, I would stick with that. Funerals are expensive, memorials or celebrations of someone's life can be much different, and much more personalized.
Unfortunately you wouldn't know how many local friends or acquaintances he had until they showed up at the funeral home. I think what I would do is discuss with the funeral director if he/she would handle the cremation, but hold off on a funeral (that's what I did). The obituary could include a line that funeral arrangements are not yet finalized and interested parties could contact the family, but don't give out personal addresses or phone numbers, as you don't know who might reply.
I suggest this b/c some criminals review the obituaries for dates on which funerals occur, knowing that family members identified would most likely be away, and the house vacant and more susceptible to robberies.
You could include in the obit a new e-mail, nondescriptive, and judge from the responses whether or not it's justified for an actual funeral, or a less formal get-together at the graveside.
I did something similar, for a variety of reasons, primarily safety as well as some friction that existed. I just had an impromptu graveside gathering, with the anticipation of a celebration of life later. But after I saw the feuding in the family and the aggressiveness of some church members, I decided to pass on that.
My niece told me of a unique celebration of life for a CA surfer. His friends who also were surfers paddled out into the ocean, and one of them scattered his ashes there. I thought that was really touching, and so appropriate for a surfer. (Of course, if you weren't a surfer, I guess you didn't participate in the ocean trip.)
I hope you find a solution that works for you and gives you comfort.
I personally think the person planning it should only do what they are willing and able to deal with. I like the idea of small and uncomplicated and I think your family and his friends would understand and even be relieved.
So you never know who or how many will show up.
Do what you and the family feel comfortable doing and do not over spend.
It is perfectly logical given current circumstances to have a family only service and have a Celebration of Life at a later date.
( who by the way don’t bother with my mom ) in the area. I’m thinking of definitely less than 10 people or even less than five would attend any type of service. I am not having a funeral for my mom... probably graveside gathering at burial.
As Covid declines, I will be having a Memorial Mass for my mom and her 4 sisters, of whom LO is the last survivor. Anyone who disagrees with my decision (I’m the poa/caregiver, the other poa lives 900 miles away) can pound salt, and I’ll be glad to provide the shaker.
Do what you need to do to avoid family drama and honor your dad exactly as how you believe he would have preferred.
Your responsibility, your call.
Make it simple just like he asked. Family only can gathering for the ashes to be buried at a date further out.
Services don’t need to be planned for immediately afterwards.
The other option is to simply have a graveside service at the family plot.
Aso we will do the same type of thing for my Mother, cremation and bury her with her favorite type of flowers, she loves lilacs. Also she has not spoken to her family in 28 years, this was a choice. But now with her LBD she still thinks her parents are living. (she is 92) I also do not know if her sister and brother are living. There has been no contact in 28 years.
I do not know if your dad had any military benefits, but you MUST notify Tri-Care of his death. Further if he had a military stipend--you **MUST** notify them of the death to stop payment because whatever they pay out after death they will want back. They eventually will find out. I am mentioning this now to save you heartache later. Now the funeral home is required to notify Social Security but I would call them just in case to stop payments immediately. The funeral home will only notify Social Security and that is it. NOTIFY THE BANK to help prevent fraud. Death is a huge mess! You also have to notify water and electric utilities. To add insult to injury, if they filed taxes, you have to do that too. A final one.
Social Security will not pay you a dime. You have to be their spouse or dependent child and they will send like $200 for help pay for the cost of funeral expenses.
Just to also let you know your father's debts are no longer your responsibility unless you co-signed something. So keep a copy of his death certificate. My mom owed a few thousand to the ambulance services because they charted incorrectly and I refused to pay anything so when she died years later they sent me a bill and I mailed them a photocopy of her death certificate and they stopped sending me bills. The fact they never got paid is their fault because of their irresponsible charting. So they can eat it up.
Money is for the living, and you are going to need a lot of it to settle his estate if he did not preplan those matters. It sounds like you were named the executrix of the Estate because POA ceases once they die. Put it another way--if family wants a memorial service, burial etc., ..let them pay for it.
The only thing that comforts me when my mom died is knowing her ordeal of life is over and is in a much better place, and the fact we all are going to die someday. So it will be out turn later.
Once a person dies, they are gone. What matters is how a person is treated when they are alive. I got my mom cremated without a service, because the "memorial service" is my unending love for her that I carry with me for the rest of my life.
My mom's ashes are in a cigar box that I bought on Amazon for $45. It is a humidor, very solid and high quality. Likewise my father in a similar box. Both in an antique cabinet in my home. I decorated the cabinet with flowers (artificial), and photos. You see a memorial need not cost you anything. What you carry inside of you is all that matters.
Sad even when one is dead, it's still expensive.