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My brother who refused to help, even said our father wasn't welcome in his home, is claiming that he did his part by suggesting that our dad pay a caregiver to look after him.
Oh I see! - you mean siblings acting as auxiliary carers, taking over from time to time. Yes, you would have thought they'd want to, all else being equal, and it is sad for the parent; but then isn't part of the main caregiver's job making sure that that sadness doesn't reach the parent's consciousness? So you make excuses, you dredge up hypotheses about why so-and-so hasn't called or visited for weeks/months - scenarios that don't include his being a self-pitying, self-indulgent emotional fat-head who doesn't know he's born. It's certainly an aspect of this care-giving life that doubles my stress level from time to time.
It seems very sad that a child wouldn't want to care for their parent if it was at all possible... I'm sorry, but a little inconvenience form time to time isn't too much to ask from a child that received nothing but love particularly if there's a sibling already doing more than their fair share.
Sure, there's a certain moral obligation to help our elderly parents, but there's certainly no obligation to give up LIFE for them. Unfortunately, that's usually what it boils down to. Children of elderly parents, especially those with alz/dementia can find themselves up to their eyeballs caring for them to the exclusion of all else, including having to give up their careers and jobs. No parent should require that of their child. I took care of my mom for over 10 years. I was 36-37 when I started to care for her and I'm 48 now. Had I known then what I know now I'd have run for the hills before I took on the role of caretaker. No amount of money in the world can give me back those years I lost. I'm glad that I could be there for her for her sake because I'm an only child and I was all she had and moral obligation and guilt hooked me into it. But the cost to me mentally, physically, emotionally and financially is beyond anything that anyone should ever ask of another human being. Period.
1loving, It makes me wonder if mom has told her son. So many people are proud and do not nor do they expect help from children. If my mother understood why I am here with her, she would want me to live my own life and put her in a facility. But, what she does not understand is what that would mean, she would be very unhappy and probably difficult to control. They could always drug her to oblivion which would not be good for her. That is why there are so many that advocate to keep them home, where they are familiar, safe and comfortable.
A good friend of mine recently fell on hard times. Self employed at age 71 and not in good health herself, she has a handicapped son who lives with her. He is unable to work but cannot get disability. She has another child who is a DR and lives in a beautiful home with a spouse who also works, no children. My friend shivers in the cold because she cannot afford to raise her heat above 58 degrees and is eating pbjs for their meals. The married child refuses to help her because the other spouse wouldn't like it. She could be on the street in a matter of a month or two. I live in another state but would take her in without blinking. She put this kid through medical school and raised both children as a single parent giving them her all. Why has our children become so selfish? Not even food? It's disscusting. Even if a parent wasn't always the best parent, how many times did they forgive us our errors? After all, they are only human just like the rest of us.
Aw cher062, there's just so many nuances that are hard to communicate on the 'net, i.e. background of years of family crap and the like. I could waste a whole lot of electrons......
Wish we could all get together at a caregiver's convention and talk in real time face to face. I think we all long for that or we wouldn't be here. AC is a great safety net, though it's not perfect.
You give good advice and I appreciate that. My mom is in an assisted living place - has been for 2 1/2 years - after I had to kick her out of our house. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. So I do have practice protecting myself and hubby and son. I visit her every other day which I need to step back from because the negativity is pretty bad.
My husband and I joined a caregiver's support group this winter, and I think it's kind of made me a little more agitated in looking at what I do. Everyone winces when they find out I'm doing this on my own. Perhaps I was better off in my ignorance. Everyone else in the group has a sibling or multiple siblings involved and THEY are burned out. I don't enjoy being the object of pity and this has reinforced my angst about my brother not being present, ever.
It's not so simple as finding a church and supporting people there which, as I said, he thinks will be a solution. He is in a religion that pretty much requires that you divest yourself of this world and your 'family' are only fellow believers. I am not that person. He is of the opinion that standard religions, Lutheran, Catholic, etc. are dead churches. That is his criteria for me and I am a failure in his eyes if I don't somehow transform myself to that ideal....and my mother...which is so freaking unreasonable and impossible.
Somehow, he saw our dad as 'good', but mom and I are heathens. My dad would kick his butt every which way to Sunday if he were still here today. He was the glue that held everything together. That's what keeps me sane in dealing with mom's nuttiness and bro's unreality. I know he's there in my heart and he taught me well in being positive, though I struggle . My mom and dad were polar opposites in their attitudes and the 'little lady' is chipping away at me.
So that's it - stuck between a narcissist and a brother that wants to save the world but rejects his own family because we're not worthy as we're not like him. And doesn't keep his promises to me, because, well, I'm not good enough.
I would settle for a normal absent sib instead of one who thinks my mom and I are going to #ell for not following him in his religion as he is now leader in the family with my dad gone. (Heh!) My dad never bought into bro's beliefs and thought him strange, really strange, but loved him just the same.
Enough electrons....
I wish you peace and lots of rest in the next two months. It's good you realized the aftercare was not in your wheelhouse for MIL. I don't know where elders get the idea we are schooled in nursing. Hopes and dreams, I guess. Will probably be there someday myself. Hope my son meets a nice girl. LOL
Robyn you are so right, she knows what person has buttons she can push. My MIL is always polite to me, but I have seen her berate her daughter over nothing at all. Her younger son will take verbal abuse all day long and go home exhausted. Her Number One Son, my husband, will tell her he doesn't want to hear her negative rant and tells her he'll come back when she feels better. She's calling to apologise within ten minutes. I set up her 7 day pill box. Once she told me she wasn't going to take the Xanax. I asked her " Where is the Will? You can stop taking it, your heart rate will go up, your blood pressure will be unstable and it'll all be over in 48 hours. Is that what you want?" without any expression of remorse or guilt. She took her meds.
I was just glancing through some of the responses and it seems like our lives are all very similar. Sick or needy people take on a role - the sick role-and someone teaches them (in my case it was my father teaching my mom) that it's ok to ask for anything you want when you are sick. This comes from feeling sorry for the person. And that's all well and good when someone has the flu for 3 days. But when it's an ongoing condition and the person is never going to get better, the sick person learns to become very demanding and they aren't afraid to ask for anything. I am the daughter who does 99% of what needs to be done and I have told my mother not to ask me for things she can do herself. But when my sister comes to help, my mother treats her like a slave! Calling her from the other side of the house to bring her something that is 10 feet away from her. She says 'I have cancer, people should want to do things for me'. Well, no, I don't! Anyway, there is so much psychology involved with the physical side that these things can be exhausting. I DO NOT want my kids doing this for me. And I have to believe if they did, I would be grateful. Thanks for letting me vent!!
It just gets very convoluted. Most of the time I don't think people even know what they are signing up for when they take on the responsibility of caring for or helping a parent. I know I didn't, and I don't hVe my parents in my home. They are independent, or think they are. They really should be in an Assisted Living facility but they refuse. I think the bible says we are to care for our families but to what extent? I do all I can. They refuse to hire anyone to help but I think they could afford it if it were a priority. But as long as I'm doing it, why would they? Same for you, as long as you are doing it, why would your brother step in?
One of the best things I ever did was read the book 'Boundaries'. It really helps to organize your thoughts about things and helps with the expectation/obligation/resentment issues that come up. I have had to have some tough conversations with my parents but I have to take care of myself too. We all do. One of the hardest things is convincing ourselves that's it's OK to take care of us.
One thing missing in these conversations regarding taking care of one's parents is the age and health of the *child* who is to be the caregiver at home.
Sometimes we hear the word grown-child and think of someone in their 40's. What about those of us who are in their mid 60's and 70's and see in the future being a caregiver to one or both parents? Seniors taking care of seniors.
Depending on the health and energy level of the senior aged caregiver, it's not like taking care of a small child who eventually learned to do things for themselves.
I have many a sleepless night worrying myself to death about what to do when my parents are no longer independent, where will they go. My parents are in their 90's so all their siblings have passed on. I am an only child so there is no back-up for me. Plus I never had any children. It's just me.
And now reading there may be a law where children are responsible for their elder parents care, that scares me even more because I have saved big time so that I would have good care when I become older. If I have to give most of that all away for my parents, who will take care of me?
I dont think its possible for anyone to look after an elder with dementia 24/7 its not healthy for either party. the majority of people love and care about thier parents and want to do whats best for them and keep them around alot longer. I love my mum but she is a diabetic and wont look after herself she wont let me control her meds so she is a danger to herself she cant live on her own anymore as dementia and diabetes is serious. I found her to be perkier in a NH as she was being looked after by professionals here at her home she does what she wants and she will die soon if this continues I want her in a NH so she will live longer but if she dosnt want to go how can we force her? THEN if something happens and noone is here we are responsible?? I know its crazy. Damned if you do........... If my mum wants to stay in her home and die then who are we to argue but you can bet your last dollar that if she does fall or die the system will say this was elder abuse? Nobody wants their parents in a home but if they are a danger to themselves then whats the solution?
If you would have taken this on with out your brothers promise then you were ready to do this alone. Go with that. Your brother gave you a promise I'm not making excuses for him but maybe he really didn't understand just what that meant and now just can't step forward. Either way its on you now.
First what your mom wants and what she and you NEED are two different things. You NEED a break with your family and mom will just have to adjust to someone in the home for a week or so or go to a facility that offered respite care so you can recharge. My mil is in the nursing home now for the next two months she has cataracts one was done and at end of Feb the other will be done. She didn't want to go there and she didn't want a nurse to be at the house. She wanted me to do the after care but after three years at this I have learned that my life and my family should not have to put things on hold because she needs care. Getting help from the church like your brother suggested isn't a failure in any way. Knowing when you deserve help knowing when the skills needed to care for mom can be best served by others is not failing. No one can do it all get the help from where ever it comes. You will be lesser stressed and don't feel guilty because you put yourself and your kid first. It ok to choose you over your mom's desires. It ok for her to not get everything she wants when she wants it. Its ok to say no this is how its going to be.
Yes, things would be this way, with or without his promise. I've pretty much lived the life of an only child for 40 years. And yes, there have been benefits to that - all the good times I got to spend with my mom and dad over those years. I have a treasure of memories whereas he does not.
He did come over and stay with us in the months leading up to my dad's death from brain cancer and stuck with us until the house was sold. For that I am forever grateful. Very obviously he loved my dad the better of the two.
Your question really gives me something to think about, perhaps a different way of looking at things. Thank you for that.
kathyt1, Yeah, that's the hardest part - the broken promise. My son is now a Junior in High School. We had hoped to take a family vacation over these past three years just to make some memories for our little family of three before he flies the coop.
That's just a small part of it, but I feel bad for my son that we're stuck here. Meanwhile, my bro writes me e-mails chastizing me for not joining a church family as that will make things all better. That only serves to make me feel worse, like I'm a failure in my faith in God.
Even if I had the time to seek out this 'church family', I know my mother would not accept visits from strangers, so it's a moot point.
He just doesn't (or doesn't want to) get it. I'm moving towards acceptance of that. It's still a tough pill to swallow while feeling like he's judging me along with it.
Windy thanks for the apology. Question for you if your brother did not make an empty promise when you first took mom in would you have made the same decision?
Countrymouse, You crack me up! I can picture a sled weighed down by coleslaw and prunes with a flashing emergency light mounted on the front. Thanks for the comic relief!
windytown, don't you dare slink. If a promise was given, it should be kept. One has an obligation to keep promises that others counted on when they made life changing decisions. About taking it personally, you got to let it go. Siblings have complicated reasons for the decisions they make, or fail to fulfill. Know that as hard as caregiving is, the growth is enormous, so are the rewards..
Cher062, Once again, I am sorry I singled you out. Mea Culpa. You understand what it's like to be IT. I'm just sooo burned out. When I read words about siblings not having to have any obligation, if they don't feel like it, it hurts. Especially when false promises were made and I'm going through a rough patch with my brother these exact days.
I'm sorry I took it out on you. You didn't deserve that.
My mom expected me to drive to her AL through a horrible blizzard yesterday where there were numerous accidents so I could bring her coleslaw and prunes! She didn't understand how I wouldn't drive there when her caregivers made it. I'm 10 miles further away in open country and cars were in the ditch all over.
Mom's a horrible narcissist and lays the guilt on me constantly, yet my brother's an angel because he calls once a week. It hurts, but my intention here is not to hurt others.
I realize everyone's situation is different and struggle every day not to let things get me down. Best wishes to you in your CG life.
Cher062 - you've just reminded me of one of my guiltiest moments: the afternoon I picked my daughter up from the railway station, we went straight to the hospital to visit my mother, who'd just had surgery on an open wrist fracture - and they told me she was good to go home. I know I was SUPPOSED to be delighted… I just hope I covered up my horrified expression quickly enough!
Oh, it can be nice to know they're getting expert care when they need it, can't it?
And just for some FYI for my In Laws my husband and I are IT. My Husband is an only child and isn't home all day like I am - someone has to work and bring home the bacon. I gave up my job/career 3 years ago to stay home and provide care or manage care for my In-Laws. It's not easy and I do wish every day that my hubby had a sibling to at least give us a much needed break and vacation. After 3 years my Mother In Law is currently in the nursing home after surgery for respite care for the next 2 months and I have to say it is giving me a much needed rest.
Windytown first of all you know nothing about me at all. I have a great amount of empathy, and sympathy and I am the person in my family that does step up and provide care. I am the person in the family that is the one that is the first there with my heart on my sleeve. I take offense that you have suggested otherwise and singled me out from all the posts that have the same view as I do.
I don't think its the children's "obligation" to provide care for their aging parents but that doesn't mean I don't think that the children shouldn't step up in some way.
I think that every situation is different and every person is different, every person asked to provide care has different skills and abilities in providing that care. I don't think its right for anyone to tell me or anyone else that it is there obligation to take on the care of anyone. I don't think its right for anyone to say if you don't provide care at home and have chosen different care arrangements that you are an awful person. I don't think just because a sibling has a different point of view from what YOU think is the right way to do it doesn't mean their way is the Wrong way because it isn't what you would choose. I think if there is a sibling situation that all the siblings should keep an open mind to other alternatives of care that may be suggested by the others and not think that their own view is the only one that is the best and everyone MUST do it that way or they are an awful person or unsympathetic or unempathetic.
I think the term "care" can mean many different things to many different people and every person and situation will have a different definition of what the best care will be. For me providing care means looking at the current situation and determining what is the best option for care while trying to keep the decision in an unemotional light (very hard to do). It doesn't always mean we as children MUST do everything we can to keep our parents out of assisted living or a nursing home. I think it means we need to look at what situation will provide the best care and where can that care be best provided for.
For my Father in law that is a nursing home even though he asks every time we visit to come home (he has been there for 3 years now). I just don't have the skill set to provide the QUALITY care he really NEEDS and deserves.
My Mother In Law on the other hand is now living with us because I can provide the care she currently needs but as she gets increasingly worse and I really can't provide the care she really NEEDS I wouldn't hesitate to find a nursing home or assisted living community that can provide the Quality Care she will eventually need that I know can't provide.
I also know that living with me in my home ISN"T the same as her living at "HOME". She can no longer live alone in HER house and has been declared incompetent and even though she is with us she too still asks to go back to the house she and her husband use to live in.
I grew up in a home where my grandfather lived with us. He at first was ok but as time went by he kept getting worse. I saw what my mom went through trying to provide care for him when she really didn't have the ability to give him all the care he deserved. I saw my mom breakdown the day she knew he had to go to a nursing home because she finally realized the best care she could get for him for him wasn't at home and wasn't with her. I spent many nights at the hospital myself from 16 on (after getting my license) when my parents had taken a Saturday - sunday break away and my grandfather had to go to the hospital by ambulance. I have know from a very early age what the commitment to provide care for an elderly sick parent/grandparent means. My mom taught me and gave me the ability to look at the situation and be realistic about what needs to be done.
If I chose to take on the responsibility of my own parents care as they get older and sicker I would never expect my brother to do the same. I would hope he would help out and agree with the decisions I make and if he doesn't I would hope that he wouldn't be all up in my face for the decisions I make when he isn't willing to be there.
Like I said at the beginning every person, every parent's situation, and every decision a child makes for their parents is very different from one person to the next and we have no right to judge others choices just because it isn't what we would choose.
I agree with country mouse. If anyone who chooses not to be involved has NO room to interfere, undermine or complain about the caregiver. We are in a situation where my sister in law also relieves the caregiver. Because she is a controlling, emotionally unstable narcissist she undermines the wonderful care my mother in law receives, and attempts to pit one care giver against the other. We are unable to keep this daughter away from her mother at this time, and my MIL would never understand why she would need to be kept away from her. Sometimes it is good other relatives don't want to be involved.
jeanne, Some of us don't have a choice. We are IT, the only family. Well, except for that brother of mine, in my case. He made promises to me that he would be back to visit yearly to give me a break. He hasn't been back in nearly three years and denies he ever said he would visit every year. My husband backs me up on this as he was sitting with us when bro made that promise.
So yes, I am taking this very personally and I need to step back. My apologies to cher and others my words may have hurt.
I completely agree that caregiving siblings can't reasonably expect the others to feel the same and join in. But I do think it's reasonable to expect them, in that case, not to interfere, snipe, undermine or otherwise obstruct. What is that all about: "we said it was impossible for us, so we're going to make damn sure it's as difficult as we can make it for you"?
I expect my siblings would find "doing their bit" easier and more convenient if my mother were packed away tidily in a care home near them. But I'm not asking for their help: do they still have grounds for complaint?
I believe we must make sure our family members are cared for to best of our individual ability. I stress individual ability. Each person is different in what they are physically, emotionally, and mentally able to handle. Taking care of a loved one may mean making sure they are in the right facility receiving their daily care. It's a very demanding job to care and practically live another 's life for them on a daily basis, and love should be a motivating force behind what one does for another. You can not expect siblings to do their share, or at least don't count it. I know I get no assistance, although we have bent over backward for my brother and his family in the past, he is out of the picture. That's his choice and he has to live with it when mom and dad are gone.
there are some people that should not provide care. I would think these are the ones that are not around much. This could be due to the emotions that they would have to come to grips with, or a number of other thing like abuse as a child.
The worst possible thing to do is to force caregiving responsibilities on another person. This would only add to the stress and become potentially dangerous to the senior.
windytown, why are you singling out cher062? She is not the only one who doesn't think that all children have an obligation to care for their parents. For example, I don't think that is reasonable. Does that mean I have no empathy, in your view?
If one sibling choses to care for a parent and the others chose not to, or not to in the same way, that may not seem reasonable or fair, but all children have the same opportunity to decide. For example, if three sibs think Dad should go to a care center and one daughter thinks he should live with her, what gives her the right to insist all share her view of how things should happen, and all share in the work?
Several of us found a nice assisted living/dementia care center for our mother. She gave notice on her apartment. One sister who had just retired decided she'd rather see Mom in a private setting, so she took Mom in. Awesome! The rest of us were thrilled. That really is a better situation for Mom. Do I feel obligated to do more for my mother than I would be doing if she went to a care center? Absolutely not. I have my mother in my home about 10% of the time, to give my sister respite. Not because I am obligated to, but because I love my mother and love my sister. Other sibs are helping out in similar ways, for similar reasons. My sister did not insist that I do this, or even ask me. I volunteered.
I was my husband's caregiver for 10 years for dementia. I would never, ever, take on caregiving duties for any sum of money, any amount of inheritance, or any "obligation." The only reason worth doing it for it the reason I did it for my late husband: love. I would hope that in most families, most children do love their parents. That is apparently not always true. That is sad. But it doesn't create an obligation, in my view.
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Oh I see! - you mean siblings acting as auxiliary carers, taking over from time to time. Yes, you would have thought they'd want to, all else being equal, and it is sad for the parent; but then isn't part of the main caregiver's job making sure that that sadness doesn't reach the parent's consciousness? So you make excuses, you dredge up hypotheses about why so-and-so hasn't called or visited for weeks/months - scenarios that don't include his being a self-pitying, self-indulgent emotional fat-head who doesn't know he's born. It's certainly an aspect of this care-giving life that doubles my stress level from time to time.
It makes me wonder if mom has told her son. So many people are proud and do not nor do they expect help from children. If my mother understood why I am here with her, she would want me to live my own life and put her in a facility. But, what she does not understand is what that would mean, she would be very unhappy and probably difficult to control. They could always drug her to oblivion which would not be good for her. That is why there are so many that advocate to keep them home, where they are familiar, safe and comfortable.
It just gets tiring being the only one responsible for your aging parent..
"Out of sight, out of mind" for siblings..
Wish we could all get together at a caregiver's convention and talk in real time face to face. I think we all long for that or we wouldn't be here. AC is a great safety net, though it's not perfect.
You give good advice and I appreciate that. My mom is in an assisted living place - has been for 2 1/2 years - after I had to kick her out of our house. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. So I do have practice protecting myself and hubby and son. I visit her every other day which I need to step back from because the negativity is pretty bad.
My husband and I joined a caregiver's support group this winter, and I think it's kind of made me a little more agitated in looking at what I do. Everyone winces when they find out I'm doing this on my own. Perhaps I was better off in my ignorance. Everyone else in the group has a sibling or multiple siblings involved and THEY are burned out. I don't enjoy being the object of pity and this has reinforced my angst about my brother not being present, ever.
It's not so simple as finding a church and supporting people there which, as I said, he thinks will be a solution. He is in a religion that pretty much requires that you divest yourself of this world and your 'family' are only fellow believers. I am not that person. He is of the opinion that standard religions, Lutheran, Catholic, etc. are dead churches. That is his criteria for me and I am a failure in his eyes if I don't somehow transform myself to that ideal....and my mother...which is so freaking unreasonable and impossible.
Somehow, he saw our dad as 'good', but mom and I are heathens. My dad would kick his butt every which way to Sunday if he were still here today. He was the glue that held everything together. That's what keeps me sane in dealing with mom's nuttiness and bro's unreality. I know he's there in my heart and he taught me well in being positive, though I struggle . My mom and dad were polar opposites in their attitudes and the 'little lady' is chipping away at me.
So that's it - stuck between a narcissist and a brother that wants to save the world but rejects his own family because we're not worthy as we're not like him. And doesn't keep his promises to me, because, well, I'm not good enough.
I would settle for a normal absent sib instead of one who thinks my mom and I are going to #ell for not following him in his religion as he is now leader in the family with my dad gone. (Heh!) My dad never bought into bro's beliefs and thought him strange, really strange, but loved him just the same.
Enough electrons....
I wish you peace and lots of rest in the next two months. It's good you realized the aftercare was not in your wheelhouse for MIL. I don't know where elders get the idea we are schooled in nursing. Hopes and dreams, I guess. Will probably be there someday myself. Hope my son meets a nice girl. LOL
One of the best things I ever did was read the book 'Boundaries'. It really helps to organize your thoughts about things and helps with the expectation/obligation/resentment issues that come up. I have had to have some tough conversations with my parents but I have to take care of myself too. We all do. One of the hardest things is convincing ourselves that's it's OK to take care of us.
Sometimes we hear the word grown-child and think of someone in their 40's. What about those of us who are in their mid 60's and 70's and see in the future being a caregiver to one or both parents? Seniors taking care of seniors.
Depending on the health and energy level of the senior aged caregiver, it's not like taking care of a small child who eventually learned to do things for themselves.
I have many a sleepless night worrying myself to death about what to do when my parents are no longer independent, where will they go. My parents are in their 90's so all their siblings have passed on. I am an only child so there is no back-up for me. Plus I never had any children. It's just me.
And now reading there may be a law where children are responsible for their elder parents care, that scares me even more because I have saved big time so that I would have good care when I become older. If I have to give most of that all away for my parents, who will take care of me?
I love my mum but she is a diabetic and wont look after herself she wont let me control her meds so she is a danger to herself she cant live on her own anymore as dementia and diabetes is serious. I found her to be perkier in a NH as she was being looked after by professionals here at her home she does what she wants and she will die soon if this continues I want her in a NH so she will live longer but if she dosnt want to go how can we force her? THEN if something happens and noone is here we are responsible?? I know its crazy. Damned if you do...........
If my mum wants to stay in her home and die then who are we to argue but you can bet your last dollar that if she does fall or die the system will say this was elder abuse?
Nobody wants their parents in a home but if they are a danger to themselves then whats the solution?
First what your mom wants and what she and you NEED are two different things. You NEED a break with your family and mom will just have to adjust to someone in the home for a week or so or go to a facility that offered respite care so you can recharge. My mil is in the nursing home now for the next two months she has cataracts one was done and at end of Feb the other will be done. She didn't want to go there and she didn't want a nurse to be at the house. She wanted me to do the after care but after three years at this I have learned that my life and my family should not have to put things on hold because she needs care. Getting help from the church like your brother suggested isn't a failure in any way. Knowing when you deserve help knowing when the skills needed to care for mom can be best served by others is not failing. No one can do it all get the help from where ever it comes. You will be lesser stressed and don't feel guilty because you put yourself and your kid first. It ok to choose you over your mom's desires. It ok for her to not get everything she wants when she wants it. Its ok to say no this is how its going to be.
Yes, things would be this way, with or without his promise. I've pretty much lived the life of an only child for 40 years. And yes, there have been benefits to that - all the good times I got to spend with my mom and dad over those years. I have a treasure of memories whereas he does not.
He did come over and stay with us in the months leading up to my dad's death from brain cancer and stuck with us until the house was sold. For that I am forever grateful. Very obviously he loved my dad the better of the two.
Your question really gives me something to think about, perhaps a different way of looking at things. Thank you for that.
That's just a small part of it, but I feel bad for my son that we're stuck here. Meanwhile, my bro writes me e-mails chastizing me for not joining a church family as that will make things all better. That only serves to make me feel worse, like I'm a failure in my faith in God.
Even if I had the time to seek out this 'church family', I know my mother would not accept visits from strangers, so it's a moot point.
He just doesn't (or doesn't want to) get it. I'm moving towards acceptance of that. It's still a tough pill to swallow while feeling like he's judging me along with it.
Question for you if your brother did not make an empty promise when you first took mom in would you have made the same decision?
I'm sorry I took it out on you. You didn't deserve that.
My mom expected me to drive to her AL through a horrible blizzard yesterday where there were numerous accidents so I could bring her coleslaw and prunes! She didn't understand how I wouldn't drive there when her caregivers made it. I'm 10 miles further away in open country and cars were in the ditch all over.
Mom's a horrible narcissist and lays the guilt on me constantly, yet my brother's an angel because he calls once a week. It hurts, but my intention here is not to hurt others.
I realize everyone's situation is different and struggle every day not to let things get me down. Best wishes to you in your CG life.
Oh, it can be nice to know they're getting expert care when they need it, can't it?
I don't think its the children's "obligation" to provide care for their aging parents but that doesn't mean I don't think that the children shouldn't step up in some way.
I think that every situation is different and every person is different, every person asked to provide care has different skills and abilities in providing that care. I don't think its right for anyone to tell me or anyone else that it is there obligation to take on the care of anyone. I don't think its right for anyone to say if you don't provide care at home and have chosen different care arrangements that you are an awful person. I don't think just because a sibling has a different point of view from what YOU think is the right way to do it doesn't mean their way is the Wrong way because it isn't what you would choose. I think if there is a sibling situation that all the siblings should keep an open mind to other alternatives of care that may be suggested by the others and not think that their own view is the only one that is the best and everyone MUST do it that way or they are an awful person or unsympathetic or unempathetic.
I think the term "care" can mean many different things to many different people and every person and situation will have a different definition of what the best care will be. For me providing care means looking at the current situation and determining what is the best option for care while trying to keep the decision in an unemotional light (very hard to do). It doesn't always mean we as children MUST do everything we can to keep our parents out of assisted living or a nursing home. I think it means we need to look at what situation will provide the best care and where can that care be best provided for.
For my Father in law that is a nursing home even though he asks every time we visit to come home (he has been there for 3 years now). I just don't have the skill set to provide the QUALITY care he really NEEDS and deserves.
My Mother In Law on the other hand is now living with us because I can provide the care she currently needs but as she gets increasingly worse and I really can't provide the care she really NEEDS I wouldn't hesitate to find a nursing home or assisted living community that can provide the Quality Care she will eventually need that I know can't provide.
I also know that living with me in my home ISN"T the same as her living at "HOME". She can no longer live alone in HER house and has been declared incompetent and even though she is with us she too still asks to go back to the house she and her husband use to live in.
I grew up in a home where my grandfather lived with us. He at first was ok but as time went by he kept getting worse. I saw what my mom went through trying to provide care for him when she really didn't have the ability to give him all the care he deserved. I saw my mom breakdown the day she knew he had to go to a nursing home because she finally realized the best care she could get for him for him wasn't at home and wasn't with her. I spent many nights at the hospital myself from 16 on (after getting my license) when my parents had taken a Saturday - sunday break away and my grandfather had to go to the hospital by ambulance. I have know from a very early age what the commitment to provide care for an elderly sick parent/grandparent means.
My mom taught me and gave me the ability to look at the situation and be realistic about what needs to be done.
If I chose to take on the responsibility of my own parents care as they get older and sicker I would never expect my brother to do the same. I would hope he would help out and agree with the decisions I make and if he doesn't I would hope that he wouldn't be all up in my face for the decisions I make when he isn't willing to be there.
Like I said at the beginning every person, every parent's situation, and every decision a child makes for their parents is very different from one person to the next and we have no right to judge others choices just because it isn't what we would choose.
So yes, I am taking this very personally and I need to step back. My apologies to cher and others my words may have hurt.
I'll just go slink away now....
I expect my siblings would find "doing their bit" easier and more convenient if my mother were packed away tidily in a care home near them. But I'm not asking for their help: do they still have grounds for complaint?
The worst possible thing to do is to force caregiving responsibilities on another person. This would only add to the stress and become potentially dangerous to the senior.
If one sibling choses to care for a parent and the others chose not to, or not to in the same way, that may not seem reasonable or fair, but all children have the same opportunity to decide. For example, if three sibs think Dad should go to a care center and one daughter thinks he should live with her, what gives her the right to insist all share her view of how things should happen, and all share in the work?
Several of us found a nice assisted living/dementia care center for our mother. She gave notice on her apartment. One sister who had just retired decided she'd rather see Mom in a private setting, so she took Mom in. Awesome! The rest of us were thrilled. That really is a better situation for Mom. Do I feel obligated to do more for my mother than I would be doing if she went to a care center? Absolutely not. I have my mother in my home about 10% of the time, to give my sister respite. Not because I am obligated to, but because I love my mother and love my sister. Other sibs are helping out in similar ways, for similar reasons. My sister did not insist that I do this, or even ask me. I volunteered.
I was my husband's caregiver for 10 years for dementia. I would never, ever, take on caregiving duties for any sum of money, any amount of inheritance, or any "obligation." The only reason worth doing it for it the reason I did it for my late husband: love. I would hope that in most families, most children do love their parents. That is apparently not always true. That is sad. But it doesn't create an obligation, in my view.
How do you find it reasonable that just one sibling is left caring for the parent and you go about your merry way?