Taking care of self?

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Taking care of self?

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Hello,

Just completed 11 years of taking care of Mom and Dad both passed peacefully. I am concerned I am only child no close relatives. Who is going to take care of me when I need it? I know I can apply for long term care but how do I know whoever is going to make good decision when time comes?

Any help is appreciated.

Care Decisions Family Caregiver Long Term Care

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I am sorry for your loss and you must feel completely alone in the world. I would look for and find a grief group somewhere in your community.

It does not sound like you have taken care of yourself and it might be a little late now as far as earning enough money, making new friends, or maybe even getting to know some of your relatives. I have no idea what I would do if I were in your shoes. I'm 63 and an only child.

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How is saying that it might be too late helpful and saying if you were in his/her shoes you don't know what you'd do??? Your comment started out ok, but why did you have to add that last part? Did it make you feel better to be cruel or are you really that lacking in empathy at your age?

(9)

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HI:

You will survive.

I'm sorry for your loss.

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I am also 63, but not an only child and a mom to 5.

Do I expect that any one of my kids will step up to take care of me?

Nope.

Still married, but to a man with multiple health problems and I have almost lost him 4 times already, so, I plan I will be a semi-young widow.

We have saved as much money as we can, and plan to move to a 2 story home that can have the basement be an apartment, for either grands coming to go to college or for CGs for either one or both of us, should the need arise.

I have seen so many people in your exact situation, and although I do feel for them, I think that is what has spurred me to action. (DH doesn't care, he thinks I will always be here, doing all the 'stuff'. I know better. Mother has been a widow for 16 years now, and altho she is 90, she could easily make it to 100. You can outlive your 'worth' as it were.)

You can entrust and attorney to handle your affairs, when the time comes. A lot of people do just that.

Right now you are probably feeling lost and drifting, w/o your parents around and no close family. Do you have ANY family? Not to be using them, but now you have some time--can you link up with them again?

The idea of a grief group or even a support group of like-minded individuals might be helpful at this time.

And, bless you for being able to care for your folks for so long. That is incredible and wonderful. You have a loving, giving spirit. Let that be your guide.

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Two story house not so easy when elderly. A ranch with finished basement apt for CG or grand kids would work better. Climbing stairs can be a big hurdle as you age. Even if you just had a broken leg or a stroke , the stairs would be a big impediment. Those automatic chair things take up a large part of staircase and move slowly. Try to live on one level. It is much easier!

(1)

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I know that you can go through the legal system to have them help you if and when the time comes, but ideally a close friend or extended family member that knows you best would probably do a better job handling your affairs for you. Just make sure that it's someone you trust and make your wishes known to them ahead of time. That of course will mean designating that person to be your medical and durable power of attorney as well, as they won't be able to do much without those. Better to do this sooner than later. Best wishes.

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Excellent advise here particularly from funkygrandma59 - it is very important to have someone assigned (an attorney in your case) to take care of your needs when the time comes. I know it's very hard to keep up a social life while being a caregiver, but is their a friend that you can call upon and discuss your situation with?

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I am in the same boat. I am 55 and I know I will need to make plans for myself early, meaning I will choose a facility that has independent assisted living and memory care all in the same place do I can transition as needed. Right now I think I will go where my grandmother lived. I will move in before I have to. In my Trust document I have a fiduciary company picked out to be my guardian and conservator in the event I become incompetent. After what I went through with my mother, I promised myself I would make these decisions early so I wouldn’t end up one of this sad cases the State has to take care of.

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katie, well done, I’m sorry they’ve passed and they were so lucky to have you! Only child, 55, same as mammadrama I’m going to move to a progressive facility. I’m leaning toward the ones where you make a hefty payment up front and they keep you if your money runs out one day. And I need to do the attorney part, thanks to the other replies!

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My mother died 8 months ago and time has not made things any easier or better.
You learn to adapt to it--okay people die, and nobody escapes death. The only person who is suffering is myself--she no longer suffers the ills of the flesh. It's over for her. Mine has only just begun. So mourn for yourself. But also never forget death is natural--it is something people are supposed to do. I am extremely thankful I have no children so spare them this kind of suffering of life.

In many ways this is a source of comfort knowing the cycle of life-suffering-death is over for mom and nothing on heaven or earth can ever hurt her. So save your tears for yourself and do your best to recreate yourself in the midst of change.

You are no longer your mom's or dad's child. You are yourself.

I no longer am afraid of life -- because what could possibly hurt me any worse than losing mom.

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My husband and I have no children. I have 3 sisters but we are all in our 60’s and 70’s, I have one niece who lives 2000 miles from me. So we eventually will move to a place with levels of care. However the trick is to have a medical POA in place who hopefully will outlive me or him. Right now my sister will be both should my husband die, but she is 2 years older so I will need a fall back.
I agree about moving where they have a benevolent fund so if you run out of money they will pay your living expenses. A continuing care community is best if you can afford it. Becoming aged is expensive and worrisome for those of us without extended families. But make plans now. You are wise to be pondering this question.

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I’ve never heard of a benevolent fund that pays your living expenses if you run out of money. Is this common? Can you explain more? Thanks,

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I would look into a senior community with accessible apts or condos and a menu of optional services like housekeeping and dining. Social activities are important if you are otherwise alone. We will not all need to be in a medical institution. Most people who end up in a nursing facility are there less than 3 years.

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Big sister, this is true about the three years! When I was moving my Mom into memory care and trying to get a grip on how much it would cost over the long haul. The admissions representative said “ three years is the average length of stay for our residents.” I understood what she was saying. She turned out to be right in the case of my mother; she passed away from Alzheimer’s-related Complications almost three years from the date I had her admitted. They took good care of her, and besides going to extreme measures to keep her alive, I don’t think there’s anything else that could have been done. What would have been the point of feeding tubes and a ventilator? That would have been torturous, and for nobody’s gain except perhaps to keep her retirement checks coming in; too devious and evil for me. I know I did the right thing and let her die naturally; she got morphine and comfort care at the end when she could no longer chew and swallow.

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I live alone but have out-of-state professional siblings who will help me out as necessary. My situation is that I am the youngest family member at 64 with a developmental disability, have no local relatives, but I own and effectively manage my own place.

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You are far from over the hill. Decide what you would like from the rest of your life and go for it. For the legal part - make a revocable living trust and spell out in it exactly what you want. In CA - I have a professional fiduciary that will take over the financial part and POA for health as well . A fiduciary working with my attorney will enforce what I have already set up in my trust. I also have pets - so my trust is also a pet trust that says what is to happen to them if I become incapacitated or die. Then name a caregiver (this can be an agency or person). I own my home so the plan would be to hire a live in CG if necessary. Providing a rent free place to live, and a bit of a salary. There is a form where you express your end of life care - what you want and do not want - get it done while you can. Once that is taken care of - keep it updated - be sure all assets are put in trust - review every so often. Then most important. Enjoy your remaining life - you took care of parents - they had a life before you - now it is your turn.

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I agree with desert192. My mother died a couple months ago, and I've been living where I am the past nearly 7 years (after retiring) to help take care of her (and my father, who died a few years ago). I'm 68, single, and in good health, and I plan to move across the country (or perhaps overseas if things get too bad here) and get on with my life. I recall reading that most people who move into senior housing are in their mid 70s or so, and it would seem a bit like moving out of the mainstream of society (plus, if I'm correct, one is "commited" to a given location). I figure I still have another "chapter" in life to live, and I want to live it and enjoy it. I've lived frugally, saved my money, and will inherit more when my sister and I finish getting our parents' trust account settled. If I end up needing help, I'll just pay for it, but hopedly I'll just die somewhere interesting while enjoying life, preferably outdoors and maybe while traveling. Does this make sense?

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I'm so very sorry your loss. Another generation passing. No advice but to be very proactive with your OWN health now. I am 63 as well. Hadn't had a pap smear or mammogram in years. In early March I had a huge unexpected issue of blood and over the next 2wks was diagnosed with endometrial cancer. Soon thereafter my 92yr old dad fell and broke his hip (I'm his live-in caregiver). I spent 5 nights in the hospital with him (afraid to leave with COVID-19 restrictions) before he was transferred to a rehab facility for 36 days (many ph calls with staff and dad), during which time I had a total hysterectomy. Thankfully my daughter also lives with us and was laid off, so I had a personal caregiver for the first 3wks of recouping, which also overlapped with my dad's first wk back at home. Decided to have a mam 3wks ago before radiation therapy begins this month. The scheduler at the clinic was great when I explained my upcoming radiation and caregiver situation. Wellness mam turned into a diagnostic mam which turned into a needle biopsy. Pathology came back with a malignancy. Now I'm set to meet with a breast oncologist this Friday to determine plan of treatment for breast cancer after the brachytherapy ends. Double whammy.

EVERYONE: Making doctor appts for yourself can be very frustrating and inconvenient when you're the caregiver for someone. Who will watch them? How will it fit in and around their care? And paps and mams are so very uncomfortable, but only for a very brief amount of time. Hopefully your own lab results will be negative, or at the very worst can catch cancer early. Now I preach to all of my female friends and relatives to make it happen and GETTER DONE.

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I hope you beat both cancers successfully! My girlfriend said one person who gave her a mammogram was rather rough, so she asked for someone else to do it the next time, and the second person was much gentler.

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I will be in a similar situation to yours someday. There are some good ideas and suggestions listed here. You just need to determine which one is best for you. My first step would be to find a lawyer you like and trust to draw up the necessary documents and give you advice. You want a lawyer or law firm who would likely still be around if something happened to you.

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Sorry for your loss. Also, so encouraged to hear that you are ready to develop your own senior care plans.

Start by visiting your lawyer. Make your will, your advanced directive/living will, and discuss powers of attorney. It would be helpful to have a son/daughter-aged person(s) your trust implicitly to be your advocate for powers of attorney (medical and financial). My never married aunt has given her pastor and his wife her powers of attorney. She is close to them and their children are like grandchildren to her. Discuss ways to avoid probate court for those who will inherit your estate.

Second, visit your primary care doctor. Discuss your concerns and how to manage your health as you age. He/she will recommend a schedule for routine visits, vaccinations, and tests (like that wonderful colonoscopy). He/she can also check for age-related cognitive decline (75% of seniors over 75 years old have some dementia) at those routine visits. Discuss the differences with different types of residential care facilities for your area - they usually know the state and local laws that govern those facilities, especially Medicare/Medicaid.

Then, visit your banker. Discuss having your bills on automatic payment. Discuss ways to manage your finances if you become unable to. Each major bank has their own financial vehicles to manage your funds.

Next, have a talk with your insurance agent. Discuss your current home insurance, vehicle insurance, and long term care insurance.

Finally, decide on what kind of life you want in your senior-most years. I had one grandmother who decided to move into a senior community that allowed her to have a small independent apartment with the option of community dining. Her "plan" allowed to transition to assisted living when needed and for a couple weeks of "total care" - all she needed when she developed cancer. My other grandmother opted to live with my mother for the last 7 years of her life for close to total care. My mother-in-law had round the clock home health aides until a spot opened up for her in an adult day program. With COVID, she currently has 2 caregivers that live with her in her condo. My brother-in-law manages her care.

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I have been solo for so many, many years. My family is gone and I am now 86. Many years ago when I was not in this situation, I thought about this situation. I always made sure l00% of all my affairs were always completely up to date. I made a notebook in sections covering every facet of my life from medical to financial - contacts - everything in perfect order and updated every six months. I consulted with people to see if it was possible they might be willing and able to step up as a power of attorney etc. If it was o.k. they remained and if not, I found new people. It took some time and effort but now I have two wonderful friends I trust completely as I know they will be there for me. In the meantime start asking all kinds of questions about everything - learn and learn some more. Get familiar with options that might be out there and see how they would work for you. Then plan on how you would handle all these options. I have always done that and am a true survivor - I take care of myself and can do so even though I became disabled. It is not easy but it can be done. Start now learning about all the things that could happen and think how you would handle them - your answers to those questions will guide you and save you in the end. Also contact the pro's who work on elderly issues for information.

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My cousins never had any children and nobody who could take care of them in their old age, which has been of major concern to them for decades now. So they purchased an apartment in a senior development with a buy in cost (in addition to monthly rent) that keeps them and cares for them until they die, providing them the type of care they need, even if they run out of money. They've started out in Independent Living about 5 months ago, and can transition into Assisted Living, Cancer Care, or Skilled Nursing should the need arise. They buy in was expensive, around $450K which was acquired through the sale of their home, and then they pay monthly rent according to which level of care they need. The property is called Wind Crest, and here is their website:

https://www.ericksonliving.com/wind-crest?utm_source=google&utm_medium=local&utm_campaign=WCD

I don't know if you have properties like this where you live, or if properties like this exist elsewhere, but I'm sure they do since many people do not want to be a burden to family members and expect to be cared for by them. Not everybody even WANTS such a thing (me included).

Best of luck finding a good alternative that works for you!

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I would never give my money to a company. My ex fathers friend did that. The company went belly up and they lost all their money. Now they qualify for Medi-Cal.

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Imho, It would be best to seek out an attorney to draw up LTC doc if you want it and for advice.

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Get a trustee to manage your estate. Like me, should have had kids. You will not know what is going on then.

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If you have money for long term care insurance and or...
The "Public Guardian" ...get a appointment and they can help with your concerns. When there are no family....that is what they do.
I used to be a Deputy Public Guardian and supervised their care in a facility that met their needs. Because they do not have family, they are a "dependent" of "the court" in the community where you live. Everyone on my case load were like family and they got my attention "like family".

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My older sister and I just talked about this. She just turned 70, never had kids, but my 4 daughters adore her. She had a will on file, but sadly her attorney passed away suddenly in December so she decided to seek out a new one and redo all her paperwork. She has a Long Term Care policy, a will, and a trust set up. She said she actually hopes to live long enough to spend all of her money, but if any is left it will be distributed fairly. She is in very good health at this time, still working, still traveling. Find a lawyer who can help you set up the policies and things that you need.

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