I've lost all my friends, even long term friends of 25 yrs.+ Is this unusual or pretty much the norm? I can't say I saddled my friends excessively with lots of what is going on here, but this IS my life now. I am terribly disappointed, hurt and angry, especially since I was there for some of them when they were taking care of their loved one.
Please share some of your experiences so I can better see this........cadams
I'm very sorry to hear how you feel. I know it hurts a lot. It sounds like you are very devoted, loving and loyal friend. So many of us use the golden rule but in truth some friends don't return the kindness we have shown.
I put my dad first. I turned down lunch dates. I cut short visits. It does takes a toll. We can't be everywhere at once. As much as we wish people could try and understand and accommodate us, they won't. It will be 10 months since my dad passed and I am still hurt. I had two childhood friends come back and I deeply appreciate their support. But I've also been extremely hurt and disappointed with others. I know its hard to accept.
Do you know what I tell myself now? I still don't regret putting my dad first because the pain of the grief is still unbearable. I still wished I had spent more time with my dad because he was the most loyal person. He deserved my loyalty way more than any friend.
Take care. I hope others will give more insight.
How I wished I had my friends back. They left after I said "no" too many times for going out for a day of fun. Even though my parents had passed on not too long ago, there is still silence because my friends left about 7 years ago.
I did gain a friend, a cousin of mine started calling me, she had gone through major caregiving with her Mom. And we both have the same crazy sense of humor so I have re-bonded with her.
The gal who is my desk-mate when I do volunteer work, we spend our shift exchanging notes about elder care. Her elder mother-in-law just moved in. We only talk on our volunteer day because I know for her, her full time-job and dealing with Mom-in-law she doesn't have free time during the day.
My friends, including long term friends, live in other states and we used to correspond regularly mostly by email, phone and even texts. Two of those long term friends absolutely have gone through caregiving and I was there for them throughout their ordeal, so I am shocked that there doesn't seem to be any desire on their part to be there for me, especially since they have been where I am at. There was no argument, anger at all before they just stopped communicating with me. I had worked hard to develop these relationships to be at a much deeper depth as that is something I dearly want and value.
I haven't really reached out to make friendships of any depth at all with those who live near by as I know I can't devote the time and depth I know is needed for much of a decent relationship. So.....it's mostly pretty superficial with those people near by. As I prepare for mom's eventual passing, I am wondering if I really want these "friends" back anyway. With such a lack of commitment, care, concern, I don't see how I could really trust them again with much of anything in my life as they don't appear to be as trustworthy as I thought they were or had hoped. I guess I sure didn't expect this at all so am having to regroup and re-think things. cadams
With the friends I've also found you can only say "no" so many times to invites. No matter how understanding they are, it gets old fast.
My mother enjoys being difficult, (also in my 9th year of ft) even with all the brushes she's had with death especially this past year. It didn't make me a happy person so I assumed some invites stopped because my personality had become negative in social situations. I didn't mind the time to to some self-observations... take stock.
As learned harshly with family, some of those friends as cetude said are afraid they may be asked to help out.
Its hard not to feel ripped off. I also don't recall any other family elders requiring such care, and for years... decades on end. Did I b*tch about that too much with them?
Harpcat raises some very good points. Everyone here did. Every time I see freqflyer has posted, I know it will be gold. For this time, this forum and others like these, help to fulfill what caring (& informed!) friends may say.
Thanks again for raising this discussion.
I can only recommend to you that you open new avenues for your interests. Happiness can only come inside ourselves.
I have always maintained my own plans, dreams. I continued to pursue them. Sometimes it was just doing more reading on the topic at night after everyone was in bed. But, each day I continued to move forward.
Build new friendships....pursue your dreams....look into yourself for your happiness.
Sometimes those who have already been in the trenches are damaged by the ordeal to such an extent that they totally withdraw, especially from those who are still in the midst of it. There have been so many on this site who have expressed a feeling of total disconnection, who just wander through their life in a daze hoping to find a new normal once their caregiving days are over. It has got to be even harder for you to keep the connection when you are physically so far removed and there is no chance of a face to face meeting.
Is it possible that you are no longer reaching out to your friends? It isn't always possible to know when is convenient. If I am having to change Ray or feed him or shower him, a phone call sometimes has to be ignored. It can get to the point where people stop trying - not because they don't care, but because they don't know when is a good time.
Instead of having a "pity-party" - I have learned to reach out to them for some idle chit-chat while Ray is sleeping. They all know my circumstances and that I sometimes must run at a moment's notice. Like if Ray falls down - I must go immediately to help him get back up. They know not to be offended if I say, I have to go and then abruptly hang up the phone.
Most just ask me to call them back to let them know if all is ok or if I need help.
Every coin has 2 sides.
What's sad for me is that my family has mostly abandoned me as well, no phone calls, visits or invitations unless they need me to babysit. It's like my mom was the glue that kept us together. They very rarely visit her either.
I still visit my mom every day and neither of my siblings do, one lives five minutes away and the other moved two hours away so she wouldn't have to deal with her. I am the only one of us that works full time and do everything for my mom.
it's a sad situation for all of us here going through this but I know in my heart that when she passes, I will have done everything for her that I could have and that's the only thing that gets me through the days and nights alone without the help of people who used to be there for me.
I don't blame them. I never said "no" to an invite, but just the fact I was tired and stressed out for about 5 years made all the but the hardiest friends just not want to be around me. My therapist has "required" of my to make a new set of friends, but this is a daunting task, in my 60's. My sibs are all fractured over mom's care and so we don't even talk any more. My sister (who had been my best friend) doesn't return phone calls b/c she will not talk about mother and she is too busy. I'm extremely lonely, and trying to fill up the time.
Hubby is a "lone wolf" type guy and doesn't like to socialize. We have no couples friends, and that makes it lonelier still.
However, THIS is the weird and unexpected loss I did experience - my aunt... my mother's sister, who lives 5 minutes from my mother... She's healthy and active...drives... in fact, she's a lot younger than my mother. I had always enjoyed a close and solid relationship with her, until I had been caring for my mother for about a year. I may never understand what happened in her mind that caused her to act and treat me very differently all of a sudden! I'll share my speculation with you, because it may shed some light on your own dilemma...
I decided, going into the role of full-time caregiver, that I didn't want to "use up" any, one person's favors. I would only ask for help when I ABSOLUTELY couldn't do something (for example, I had to leave town on a few occasions, and I needed my aunt and the other friend to step up in my absence). But my desire to be considerate of not exploiting her, actually, backfired on me! In her case, I believe, she interpreted this as me shutting her out, or WORSE, isolating my mother from the world (which, couldn't be further from reality, because my mom insisted on remaining social as much as possible). Now that my mother is gone, my aunt has only been moderately warmer towards me. She helps me with aftercare issues, but only when I ask her for help. I feel like she's punishing me for being as responsible as I was... cooking, cleaning, laundry, hygiene, meds, driving to doctors' appointments, household maintenance, etc.
Anyway, as I share my experience here, it is interesting to note that the person I became closer to was the one who offered to help (and did so), yet, the person I fell out with is the one whom I didn't want to bother unless I absolutely had to. It's as if my aunt was offended. But that wasn't my intention, at all. I was just focused on doing the right thing for my mother. If others were offended by my actions, I guess that will have to be their problem, because I've got enough of my own.