My mother is 94 and for the last year-and-a-half, we have been taking care of my mom. We now have her at a very nice Assisted Living place that she is slowly adjusting to. Compared to the stories and issues many people have, we do have it pretty easy. The problem is my sister.
I always try to find the good qualities in people, but my sister is not easy to get along with. She has not lifted a finger to help in any way with Mom. But then she called her up and invited her to come up to Milwaukee for Thanksgiving. Milwaukee is a four and a half hour drive from here, and she had no intention to come get her. She never called me she just called my mom who now wants to go to Milwaukee. Mom rather amusingly thinks it's only about a half hour drive. So, her grandson could pick her up on the way home from work.
Oh, and my sister refuses to call me, so I called her and tried to explain to her that we were not going to be driving mother up to Milwaukee on that Thanksgiving, that our family was going to be here in our city, and that she was welcome to come visit us. Oh, and by the way my mother has edema, is on various forms of medication that my sister has no idea about, and also can barely walk.
Sis did not care, shouted at me, and hung up on me.
I did call her son, and tried to explain my end of the situation, not sure it got across. They have called my mother, and she is very confused, and does keep saying that she wishes she could go to Milwaukee.
Yes, they appear to be somewhat concerned that mom may pass away without them seeing her, but they sure aren't making it easy.
If you have any sage advice, I'd be glad to hear it. Happy Thanksgiving
A few years back my father was invited to a family christening. I was not. I was not upset but my father was livid. Not because he felt I was snubbed...no...how was HE going to get there if I was not going??? He insisted I call then and demand an invite. I laughed at him. He called my cousin who said of course I was invited...cousin was not the host and I refused to accept that as an invite. It ended with my cousin driving 2 hours to take my father. Next time there was an event I got invited. I declined because I felt I was only invited so my father would have a ride and by a relative's comment I was proved correct.
I have the opposite problem I have four sisters who haven't seen my parents in over 30 years. they are busy with their own families they claim. my parents recently both died and they don't even know it.
how sick is that?
enjoy your holidays everyone....
I've learned to ask for opinions even if I already know what I'm going to do. People need to feel needed, even as they're inching toward the century mark.
You're right. Sometimes I think siblings harbor long held resentments from childhood and also want to boss their caregiver sibling around, not realizing they're acting out of years old animosity or sibling rivalry.
Carla: "A lot of people want the Hallmark Card or the Normal Rockwell painting of a family sitting around the holiday table; they don't want the reality of dealing with an elderly person's needs and limitations. They expect those of us who handle all that daily to just go the extra mile to make that Norman Rockwell fantasy a reality for them."
So true, so very true.
I'm beginning to think that these feelings are behind more of the noncooperative sibling phenomenon. Sure, some siblings just can't be caregivers, and some don't want to be.
Thanks to both of you for presenting an alternative to what I used to think was just a lazy, noncooperative, manipulative sibling. I think there really are deeper issues involved.
It took me a while to know how to deal with him and his wife's inability to visit her although they only live an hour away and they criticized me for anything and everything. They even went as far as to say they would take me to court.
Well, after discussing this situation with my Elder Lawyer (who actually laughed and assured me that they cannot harm me in any way), I chose not to speak with them by phone, but send short email reports every once in a while with a photo of Mom. These I keep in a folder as proof...just in case.
In this way, I as legal caretaker still, am fulfilling my responsibilities and thus not give them any material to later use against me. Mind you, not that they could win, but the time and energy involved would not be something I would want to waste if it happened.
Maybe a short email update once a month or when something critical happens, might be enough to find your inner peace with this situation...even though they do not deserve it.
PS:
And as far as them confusing your Mom, well, that cannot be helped. Anyone can get confused when receiving conflicting messages or when being invited to something they just cannot physically handle. I have found that hugging Mom and explaining how much I love her and that we will have a great thanksgiving together, usually returns her to peace. It's amazing how much a gentle loving hug and words can do to heal someone's heart!
Even knowing that, I'm astonished that your sister didn't even have the courtesy of calling you first to broach the idea with you - after all, you'd be doing the driving, and presumably also a guest at the dinner. Or did she honestly think Mom could drive herself 4.5 hours each way to come to Thanksgiving Dinner?
It sounds to me that maybe you and sis have had clashes in the past that led her to try an end run around you to get Mom to do exactly what Mom is now doing. Not that that excuses her manipulation.
If I were you, I'd simply tell sis that Mom can't drive that far and nobody else is available to bring her since you'll all be getting together in your city that day. If Mom can't safely travel that far, say that instead. Of course, your sister pretty well closed off this discussion by calling Mom instead of you and then hanging up on you when you called her. Shame on her!
Then let them know that the time they have her away from home, they are responsible for her health and safety.
It stopped my nephew & sister from taking Pop out of state.
People want the glory and pats on the back. But not the responsibility, never the responsibility.
Its hindsight right and u were protecting Mom but maybe you shouldn't have called sister. Does Mom have Dementia. You could have taken it as something Mom made up, said "thats nice". Then when sister called u about bringing her you could have said you have made plans and can't. Then say since she made the invite transportation was sisters problem. Put the ball in her court. I feel for Mom but u could explain that plans fell thru. Again put it in sisters court that "she" was unable to pick her up and you can't because ur plans were made a while ago. So for this year she can come to your house or enjoy a nice meal at the AL. Maybe next year to sisters. When sister calms down and maybe u too (I know), call her and tell her she needs to visit Mom. Explain she has no idea where Mom is at this point. That traveling that long is just not doable because of her health. That a 4 hr drive could go into a six with stops for potty breaks. And to please not ask Mom for a visit unless she is willing to pick her up and bring her back. Try not to say anything about how much you already do.
I'd be cordial but keep my distance. I just feel bad for mom. It sounds like she has some cognitive decline and can't reason out that the invitation from sis isn't really a responsible invite. So she may be unhappy with you. I'd just tell her that you've told sis she's welcome to come get her - you'd be delighted for her to spend the time with your sister. But you can't take her there, you'll be with your own family. Put the onus on sis.
Add that to the alleged concern over dying, and she has another poison tipped arrow in her quiver.
Perhaps I'm paranoid, but there have been so many posts here on manipulative but noncontributory siblings that I begin to suspect when someone seems to be playing games. Or, it might just be that sister is clueless on the difficulties of traveling 4 hours for anyone, let alone an older person, and at this time of year when winter storms are to be expected.
To protect yourself, you might also check the weather forecast and raise that issue with your sister.
But I think I'd also start responding, or rather reacting before hand, in a different way. You could e-mail her (I'd be documenting her actions) and suggest a method by which she could visit with your mother, raising all the concerns, everything has to be taken, itinerary so meds aren't missed, backup supplies in car (winter gear, the whole deal - boots, blankets, backup food, water, warmers, GPS, maps, AAA or other emergency road service...) . These are really necessary in Northern climate winters anyway.
Travel COULD NOT safely be straight through; your mother would have to have stops when she could elevate her legs to prevent edema from worsening. Or she could wear TEDS, but those are really uncomfortable and hard to get on and off. Actually, given the edema, a medical transport would be the best idea.
You might also show your mother a map, explain the mileage calculations, and help her understand that this isn't just a short drive.
BTW, did your sister invite your family or is she just expecting you to provide the transportation? And would this be an overnight trip?
If this isn't the first instance of attempted manipulation with your mother in the middle, it might be that your sister is using your mother as a pawn for whatever games she wants to play, and whatever possibly nefarious goals she has.
It's a shame that siblings can't be kind, loving and supportive to each other, but, if anyone should feel bad this Thanksgiving, I wouldn't let it be me. I'd make my family and mom happy and let sister deal with her own issues.
Share mom with Sis - but let her know that she has to make the arrangements to come and get mom and return her. No guilt -- you do plenty for mom year round; so sister can put herself out alittle (I wouldn't meet her halfway, that may be even more confusing to mom).
I wouldn't get snooty with sis, just matter of fact and tell her you have made plans for Thanksgiving at home with your family but you are "sure Mom would love to spend Thanksgiving just with her and her family" so come and get her.
Mending fences with your sister is optional and may be more trouble than you think it worth, but if you're interested I would say:
don't drag children into it, not even - actually, especially not - if they are mature and sympathetic children;
for your own blood pressure's sake, keep in mind that your sister did this cretinous thing not to be a pain in the butt but because she thought it would just 🌺loooovely💕🌸💐for your mother to be included but didn't think any further than that. Shame she forgot to consult reality before she opened her big mouth.
So, maybe, send her a nice Christmas card just as though nothing had happened; and if you think it a practical possibility suggest some dates in the new year when sister and family might like to visit mother.
I understand why you don't want to drive your mom there on Thanksgiving day and how easy your sister is making it for you to decline with her expectation that you'll automatically make the trip so she can see your mom. Can you and your sister meet halfway the day before Thanksgiving? Mom can spend the night with your sister and have Thanksgiving with her then you two can meet halfway again Thanksgiving evening and you can take mom back to her assisted living.
I don't know how far of a drive we're talking about so this may not be doable. It's not so much about telling your sister no because she's selfish and expects you to do all the heavy lifting but it's about your mom who wants to go to Wisconsin for Thanksgiving to visit her other daughter and her family.
This is not your problem. It's Sis's problem. Don't get into it with her. I simple "no, we won't be doing that drive, not this year", suffices.
If she whines and cries, say "I'm sorry this is upsetting to you. It's very sad to see mom so ill and diminished. Let's talk next week when you're feeling calmer".