Suggestions on how to stop my husband from driving?

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Suggestions on how to stop my husband from driving?

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Hi,

I cannot get my husband to understand he can not drive anymore. He left yesterday and got lost, he did finally make his way home. I have talked to police, doctor and have basically gotten no where! Of course it is all my fault! Any suggestions please! I am desperate.

Thanks, Dot

Care Decisions Driving Spouse

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There are so many variables on solving the elder driving problem. It depends a lot on if dementia is involved, how progressed is the dementia and the amount of short term memory the elder has.

Trying to reason with dementia is impossible. People think they’re just fine, how dare you tell me I can’t drive.

Police, doctors and the DMV may or may not help. In my case with my dad I got nothing from any of these folks. Most of us will be on our own when it comes to ending the driving.

Id had a tracking device on dads car for a couple years. He still handled the car fine, no wrecks, scratches or dents but had no short term memory and began to wander and get lost. After mom was admitted to the hospital he was driving all over the place but couldn’t find the hospital.

I lived out of state, called some of the grandkids to go over and park behind his car and keep him occupied until I could get there.

Upon arriving I popped the hood and pulled the starter relay out of the fuse box. Very easy to do. Much simpler than removing the battery or pulling wires loose. Dad would try to start it and didn’t even get a click. I told him I’d called the dealer and they were coming to tow it. That night I drove it to a neighbors house and parked it out of sight.

I was there with dad for three days, moved mom from the hospital to assisted living while I tried to keep him out of trouble. He couldn’t remember anything about moms fall or where his car was. I had to repeat the stories about every 5 minutes. Told him the car dealer was waiting on a new computer for his car. He would accept this but forget 5 minutes later.

I eventually got dad into care with mom and sold the car.

Some people find it better to leave the car for awhile so the elder can see it. It was better for me to get rid of the car. Dad would go out to the garage and try to hook an old battery charger to the car. I was afraid he’d burn us down.

Looking back I wish I had ended dads driving sooner. We were just lucky nothing terrible happened. But like many folks I was accommodating his dementia. Afraid to make him mad, rather than face the facts.

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It also depends a great deal on their physical abilities, like vision, reaction times, flexibility (to actually turn one's neck to look around) and hearing, all which can precede cognitive decline.

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I watched this with my grandfather (a retired mechanic). His kids tried hiding the key, and PawPaw had spares hidden around the house. They tried disconnecting the battery, and he reconnected it. They eventually took out the starter.

With my mom, I tried a different strategy: SUPPORT. First, we just did our weekly grocery shopping together. Then, I'd drive her to the salon on rainy days. Eventually, she knew she would not be stranded without a way to get somewhere and she said, "I don't need to drive any more. You drive everywhere and it's nice!"

It is critical that a car is not taken away without a demonstrated way the person is not stranded or isolated. Key being "demonstrated."

Also, before mom stopped driving, I had a tracking app on her phone (like parents have for teens) to notify me when she left the house and where she was. It also gave me driving reports: how fast she was driving, any sudden stops, or if there is an accident. That app was a great peace of mind for me.

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Having been thru this with my mother the best way is just take the keys.

Long story short . Her doctors told her she shouldn’t drive. They would not tell her she can not drive any longer.
DMV tested her. She failed the eye test Miserably. But in the end they gave her the license!! When I went into the DMV the next day to complain, the owner/manager told me “we are not here to fail anyone”!!!!!
Took her to driving evaluation test. He gave her step by step instructions. Instead of telling her, example, turn right on Edward Street, he told her where to turn and when. He passed her also!
I spoke to the PoliceDepartment.

They all told me until she had a serious accident, there was nothing they could do.
I had been in the car with her. She scared me to death. Couldn’t stay in her lane.
She ran Stop signs, red lights. Couldn’t remember how to get where she was going.
Mind you, she was 89 at the time and had been diagnosed with dementia.
We argued over this for years. And by the way, I moved in with her after my dad passed away. So she got to go everywhere she wanted to go.
I couldn’t disable her car as she still had the sense to call someone to come and fix it.
My last resort was take the keys. I just couldn’t live with myself if she would have killed a child, pregnant mother, mother or father of little ones at home. The guilt would have been too much.
It has been a tumultuous 6 years. Explaining, arguing, her crying, her telling others that I have ruined her life as she is now in prison in her own home.
But she is still alive and not responsible for taking anyone’s lives.
If your gut is telling you it’s time for him to stop driving, for his well being, and others, do what you have to do. It is hard. I wish you luck and peace with your decision .

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I’m pretty sure that, with my prompting, my husband’s doctor made some sort of report to the DMV, as out of the blue, my husband with dementia was suddenly required to take some sort of renewal test at the age of 71. No one else we know in the same state was required to take such a test. He knew he couldn’t pass it, but was too proud to say so, so he suddenly decided that he just didn’t feel like driving anymore, rather than being told he failed the test.

I got him to agree to sell his car to an acquaintance shortly thereafter. Fortunately, the two times AFTER surrendering his license that he tried to hop into MY car & drive, he was unable to figure out a push-button start. Although he can still read to this day (six years later), the meaning of the words escaped him even then, so despite the screen saying to press on the brake pedal then push the button, he couldn’t figure it out. Found him sitting in the driver’s seat when I got home from being out with a friend who had driven me, saying he was “going to come looking for me”, all distressed because he’d forgotten I’d said I was going out.

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Ask your auto insurance agent to tell him.
It worked with my Grandmother with dementia

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Yes, a great idea! Also as they age the cost of their insurance goes up and up... for one of my elders I made the case of the cost of insurance and their lack of funds as part of my case to discontinue driving and funding a car.

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Imho, disable the auto by any means possible.

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Do you have a grandchild to give it you? Your husband must never drive again...period...end of story.
Hugs 🤗

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Maybe don't give it away (so that Medicaid won't view it as a gift of an asset) but have them pay the low end of the fair market value for it. Make sure the transaction is finalized in writing with details and dates and proof of purchase.

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Instead of disconnecting the battery, I wonder if you took your key to a locksmith and explained your problem and asked if they would make a defective key for your husband. Something that would fit in the lock but won't start the car.

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I wish I had a clear cut answer for you. My only idea is to get his doctor's help.

It is easy to say, "take the keys or disable the car". It is not so easy to implement. My husband is mild mannered, but I believe he would have physically attacked me if I had done anything like that.

I suggest you enlist his doctor's help. Hubby's doctor explained that if he hurt someone in an accident and they subpoenaed his medical records, they would see he had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and they would take everything we had. ***So, it wasn't his ability to drive, but those lawyers taking advantage.***

You need to get rid of his car too. I was able to keep my car because he had never driven it. My girlfriend, whose husband was farther along than mine, sold their car, bought another one that looked nothing like the old one and had her key ring changed to something totally different. That solved her problem because he didn't recognize it as "their car".

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Go to license branch talk to them.. they can take his driver's license.

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My SIL managed by having a friend ask to borrow FILs van because his wife's was in the shop. Shortly after that he started attending ADH and lost his interest in going elsewhere. The only issue we had was when another sister wanted dad to come to her so she could "borrow" his $. Then he wanted to go, one of the siblings would offer to take him after chores and he would forget. We finally limited his contact with her so she couldn't keep stealing from him. My mother the Dr finally sent a letter to the DMV and she was upset when she got the letter telling her she couldn't drive but finally gave in. She was rarely alone for more than a couple hours so her sister or I could take her anywhere she needed to go.

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In my husband's case, it was very simple to have him give up driving. Once he was diagnosed with ALZ, the Dr was mandated to notify the DMV that he was no longer qualified to drive. The DMV sent a letter requiring him to stop driving and instead get a state-issued ID card. He protested but I called the insurance company and they said if he was in an accident, even if it was not his fault, he would be judged responsible and the insurance would not cover him at all. He could lose all his assets including his house, savings, everything. This got his attention since he had worked hard all his life to build a sizable estate. Never drove after that day.

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Contact the local DMV - and tell them that there is a "senior driver at risk" who should no longer be driving.

They can send somebody out to your home to give him a "driving test" on the spot to show that he is not a safe driver. (I know people who have had this done.)

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What state was this, please? We notified the California DMV in writing October 26, 2020 that both of my in-laws are unsafe. (Dementia for one, vision for the other.) No one has heard anything and it’s almost six months. FIL has now stopped and he has taken the cables off the battery. But she keeps saying she is going to go take a test. :(

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Driving and elders, especially male elders. My mother had two accidents (her fault) in less than two years, thankfully no one was seriously hurt. When asked about her driving ability and whether she should give it up, she readily agreed.

My father, however, drove longer than he should have. I asked and asked and asked that he give up driving, but no he was more than capable. Mom said as long as she felt safe with his driving shed continue to ride with him. Sheesh! Finally I talked him into donating his car to charity, but I dithered too long and he drove again after he promised he wouldn't - "Well the car was still there and there is nothing wrong with my driving." From this I knew I needed to get a move on. Got dad's car donated, but he was not at all happy and complained and complained and complained. I took him to the Dr and he complained at which point she said "We've talked about your driving."

If you have children, I'd get them involved, better he be mad at his children rather than you. But no matter what he needs to stop driving - and no matter what, he's going to be mad about it. While I feared my father would have an accident and kill someone, I was also worried about him getting lost - really lost - where on the television the elder left in their car to go to the grocery store and ended up 400 miles away.

From the statement "Of course it is all my fault." no matter what you do there will be no gratitude from you spouse. But you will still have your spouse. Good luck.

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You said "Of course it is all my fault." There is obviously a back story to this comment. Can you share why you said this?

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I am sorry you are going through all of this. Please contact the license bureau and have hit driver's license revoked and get a permanent ID card, and you will have to confiscate his keys. You will have to buy a safe to put the keys in and lock them up.

Notify your auto insurance. In fact, you may want to call his insurance company *now*. I bet they will give you very good advice because they don't want to pay out on claims.

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I really do not have an answer, my thought would be to always be available to drive him places. My dad is now 98. I drove all the time when he was 97 until Covid hit. (Dad was a good driver). Because I told him if he went for take out, he could not eat in the car due to covid. He pretty much just stopped driving on his own. I get the groceries and pop in with a McDonald’s sausage egg McMuffin for breakfast twice a week. Plus the occasional Arby’s Fish or McDonald’s quarter pounder he us happy to not drive. We take dad out for rides occasionally also.

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I recently had the same problem with my Dad. I wrote a letter to his "Alzheimer's doctor" (neurologist) and listed recent scary episodes with Dad's driving. I tried to do this in a matter of fact way. Then, in the letter, I asked for him to order a driving evaluation. He did! We went to an occupational therapy clinic and Dad was given a simulator test, then a road test, and answered questions in the office. It was a 3 hour test, and insurance didn't cover it- but it was money well spent! About $300. Then the doctor received a copy of the results, and called us to make an appointment. Once there, Dad was told he failed the evaluation and the risks involved if he kept driving. He was given a form from the State to sign (he did) saying he would surrender his license and stop driving.
I hope this helps you.

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If the person is not a danger to himself or others, the authorities seem to be very reluctant to take away the license. My father got his license renewed when he was 93 years old! He stopped driving when he kept falling asleep at the wheel, and had 2 minor accidents. My mother was like your father. She'd get lost, forget where she was going, and would forget where she parked the car. She agreed to give up the car when she moved to a senior residence and they have a shuttle service for the residents. What arrangements can you make for your father to get around if he can't use his car? Maybe if you can line up someone to drive him places he'd accept that.

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The problem seems to be that the state authorities have to understand that the person IS a danger to self or others and that can take a LOT of persistence on the part of family and friends to get them "understand" the situation. I don't think this is necessarily negligence on their part, just on the difficulty of adequately reporting and documenting the situation.

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Usually the Dr will tell his Patient when he thinks it's unsafe for him to continue to drive.

Other than that, you'd have to wait until he can no longer get his Driver's License renewed.

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I’ve known people who could drive quite well into their 90’s and others that couldn’t drive well even in their 20’s. I was broadsided by a lady in her 80’s that had a poodle in her lap blocking her view of the intersection. My car was totaled, her’s just needed some front end work. She definitely needed her license revoked but others that are able to follow the rules of the road and aren’t suffering from dementia or other conditions that affect ability can still drive.

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To put it bluntly, there are drivers who are demented, and there are others who are stupid--but when the latter get old, they sometimes become BOTH!

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I can think of only three ways. First, do all that you can to get the professionals to make him stop. If it doesn't work, keep a record of your attempts to protect yourself if there is an accident. Two, disable the car or take the keys and keep the doors locked at all times. Three, most important - if it is necessary to go to do errands or whatever he is doing, make immediate arrangements that will definitely provide a ride to him to take him wherever and whenever he wants. That is the toughest one of all to solve. I know. I can still safely drive and do and I will be 88 (no one complains - tells me I am an outstanding driver) but if my car needs repairs, etc. or I am ill and need a ride, getting a ride from anyone is nearly impossible. I had to hitch hike on two occasions and I was terrified but I had no choice at the time. This is a must - you cannot stop someone from driving unless alternative means of transportation are guaranteed. Sorry, but that is why so many people just don't give up.

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A large part of the problem is that public transportation is sparse or unavailable in many places--for example, in the US. It's wonderful that there are some services that will get someone downtown, or to the doctor or shopping center, but what if someone wants to go to visit a friend, or even public land in a rural area?

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Undo the battery cable I had to do that for my dad

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You make sure he can not get the keys to the car if it is the only one you have. (If he had his own car get rid of that one, tell him it is at the repair shop)
I had a small safe where I kept the keys to the car or I had, and still do, them on a carabiner and clipped to my belt loop and I wear them all the time. AND I always kept the car locked.
The facilitator to my Support Group had a mechanic put a switch under the dash so that her husband could not start the car even if he got the keys.
I also told my Husband that the medication that he was taking said not to drive while taking it.

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cwille,

You’re right that many people take the chance of driving without a license or insurance.

I would be too nervous to drive without a license but people of all ages do it all the time.

My neighbor’s son took the car in the middle of the night to go for a joy ride with his friends.

He’s 18. They stayed out all night. The dad went to get in his car for work and no car in the driveway. That kid was punished for months!

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I have to tell a funny story somewhat like this: My mother told me about a time when they lived in Ithaca, NY and a friend of theirs drove to a meeting up in Syracuse. When the meeting was over, another attendee from Ithaca offered him a ride home, which he absent-mindedly accepted. The following morning, when it was time to leave for work, the man asked his wife where the car was, so she reminded him that he had driven it up to Syracuse the previous day! (In this case, I imagine the embarrassment would have been sufficient punishment!)

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Advice to take away the care or disable it is no help to people who need the car for themselves or someone else in the household.
Revoking someone's license won't necessarily stop them driving, there are plenty of unlicensed and uninsured drivers on the road.
Hiding the keys can cause problems if the person with dementia may become violently angry, and that is unpredictable.

Many (most?) cars today have a transponder key with a chip inside and the car won't start without these special keys. If you cut a plain key it will open doors and in my car at least turn over the engine but the car won't start (I learned this when I had a plain key cut to hide as a spare - lol). Ask your dealer/mechanic if this will work for you.

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I have one of these stupid things. It is big and bulky, so it has to stay in my pocket, not on the key ring I have. I also have to wrap a rubber band around it because the button gets pushed when I move around and it pops the key out, poking me or making holes in the pocket! I would *LOVE* to get just a key made, so I could keep it on my key ring. I know I still need the thing, but I don't have auto-locks, so I have to dig it out, unwrap it, open the door and then put it all back, only to repeat when I get somewhere (thankfully I can lock it by hand before closing the door.) I've been told no can do. I did talk to a locksmith who said he could (maybe, maybe not), but he wanted at least $40 to make a key.

Personally I detest the push-button start, but even scarier, I saw an ad for a car that starts when you sit down in the driver's seat!

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I am so glad that both of my parents gave up driving graciously. So, I never had this problem.

I did have the problem of my oldest brother (now deceased) wanting to buy a new motorcycle after totaling his. He nearly died in that accident and still dreamed of owning another bike!

The will to drive for some people is really strong. My brother wasn’t safe to drive with in a car or as a passenger on his bike. I never rode with him anywhere. I certainly wouldn’t ever have gotten on the back of his bike!

I stopped riding my uncle when he accidentally was driving up the exit ramp on the interstate! Thank goodness there were no cars behind us and I talked him into driving backwards for us to get back on the road and drive in the correct direction.

I wouldn’t hesitate to do anything and everything to get a person who isn’t capable of driving to stop. It is a matter of safety for them and other people on the road.

I have always admired the group started by moms (MADD) against drunk drivers.

We all have a responsibility to be safe drivers and to ensure that others are safe drivers.

Doctors and the DMV should do their part to ensure safety as well.

Good luck with getting your dad to stop driving.

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Maybe "MADD" could be extended to include "Mothers Against Demented Drivers"?

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It is NOT your fault! repeat....It is NOT your fault!!
Finally the state denied my FIL (92 then) a renewal because he couldn't pass the eye test AND had had a couple of fender benders. He STILL drove around town in spite of having a neighbor who offered (and we sneak her money) to take him anywhere he wants/needs to go. We "thought" he had given up as for months he only drove from the carport to the church parking lot beside his house so that he could sit in the sun during the winter months. He did not need to get on any road for that and the parking lot is empty except for Sunday morning. No one wanted to deny him that. He hadn't been legally judged incompetent and no one wanted to steal or vandalize his vehicle.
BUT THEN!!!!! his second COVID vax was due. He had GONE by himself 20 miles down a state highway to get it himself. And he did it too. So now the fuse to the fuel pump or something like that is in his neighbor's pocket.

There has to be an excuse to put his vehicle in the shop, ie: in a relative's garage indefinitely. We got so lucky.

My Mom was a piece of cake in comparison. All I had to do was point out a little dog she couldn't see (hmmm, was it really there?) and tell her she could have hit it and what if it had been a child? Then of course I promised she would have a ride anywhere she needed to go and most of the places she wanted to go.

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The ability to drive is not age-related but ability-related. I understand that AARP has a pretty good senior driver's class. Encourage him to take the class AND to have a behind the wheel assessment with Department of Motor Vehicles. Also stress the possibility of having a car accident and being charged with a crime. If you do not feel safe, you drive when you are together.

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Perhaps the one thing that will work, as I have known it to with others similarly situated: stress the liability involved if they are in an accident and hurt someone else. They could not only be found criminally negligent but, and I hate to say this but let's be honest, money talks: they could be sued and stand to lose everything they own if they are found civilly liable.

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I agree. I had a little bit different situation, but same thoughts as you. My FIL who was 88, should not have been driving AT ALL. I was the only adult family member who ever rode with him when he drove, because if he went anywhere with his own children, THEY would drive and never experienced his driving. I told my husband of my harrowing experiences with him and that he was a danger to himself and others. I would not allow my children to ride with him. His children just would not take the keys from him. Their father was a wealthy man, and I told them if he caused the injury or death of someone, all of his estate could be taken from him. They ignored me. He finally went off the side of the road into a ditch, broke his neck, and died about 6 months later from the "complications" of that broken neck. Thankfully, there were no other cars involved in his crash. He died from a mrsa infection.

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Suggestions on how to stop my husband from driving?

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