Suggestions on how to stop my husband from driving?

I'am 80+ still drive lucky no accidents.You didn't say how his driving was,my wife always checks mine.

I've had to personally act to make sure 4 elders in my life stopped driving. You must do things they aren't going to like, and be angry at you for, so be prepared for this. In your husband's case I would take and hide all sets of keys. If he insists on driving you just insist on either going with him as a passenger or as the driver. Then, you can go online and anonymously report him to the DMV. They will send out a letter informing him he has to come in to renew his license and take tests, which he may or may not pass. Worst case scenario is that you completely remove the car from your premises to a secret location and make sure friends and family know that they are to never lend him their vehicle.

My elder uncle should have had his car license ended or his car removed. He went through a red light and got t-boned which killed his wife and dog (but mercifully the other people we not seriously injured). All there needs to be is 1 incident where he mistakes the gas for the brakes, etc., for there to be a tragedy. You are the only person with the power to prevent something regrettable.

A strategy I used with 2 very senior aunts was to discretely line up rides for them with family, friends and neighbors to all their appointments and church, etc. I gave the volunteers gift cards to nice restaurants, enough to cover a meal for them and my aunts. So, my aunts got some nice socialization, a nice meal out and the volunteer got thanked/rewarded. Eventually my aunts hardly missed driving themselves. I'm sure you can work out a strategy for your situation. I wish you success!

His Dr's office should be able to send a letter to the DMV, stating that he is no longer fit to drive. He will then receive a letter from the DMV saying that they have revoked his license. You can then blame it on his Dr.
Has your husband been diagnosed with any kind of cognitive decline? You don't mention that, but I can only assume, since you said he got lost while out driving. If he has in his medical records any kind of cognitive decline, his Dr. should have no problem getting involved and writing that letter to the DMV. And if this is his regular primary care Dr, and he/she won't, try taking your husband to a neurologist for help.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this. It's tough, I know. My husband blamed me for years, after he was no longer able to drive. He did however get over it eventually. I wish you the best.

We took my FIL to the neurologist and had him do a simulated driving test. He was SO excited when she told him he scored a 96! Then she explained that was a 96% chance of him being involved in a major accident with driving. She showed him his deficits: Hand Eye Coordination, eyesight, ability to do more than one thing at a time, inability to respond to quick situation changes. She was very kind and told him she could tell he was a very responsible and kind man and told him that she knew he would be devestated if he caused an accident that hurt or killed someone and especially if it killed his wife. Then she asked how he felt. He said he was not happy with those results. She told him that she could force him to give up his liscense but would be forwarding her assessment to the DMV and they may do so if he did not willingly do so. When my husband and BIL left with him he said nothing for a while, and then he said "Well, I guess you should sell my car and cancel my insurance." They told him how proud they were of him for making that decision. He stuck with it. The car left that day, which helped.

If there is not, I think Drs should be made to report someone who the know should not be driving. Just like being a mandated reporter. I don't know why they are so hesitant. It could mean someones life. My grandson is an epileptic and his PCP reported him when he found out medications were not helping with his seizures. It took 3 months for DMV to tell my Gson to hand in his license which was too long in my opinion. Gson had stopped driving when his doctor told him too.

If you think he is a danger, than report him. He will be given a test.

Don't do anything to sabotage him behind his back, unless you want to totally destroy his trust for you. He will feel deeply betrayed by you. That's my advice. Don't narc on him to the police, or secretly get his doctor to write a letter to the DMV.

There are many good resources and articles to use for advice on this. Go into the search feature above on this page. Type in "Driving". Lot's of expert advice you'll find.

Be open and honest with him. Can you still drive? Tell him you want to do the driving. Or maybe you can get him a GPS, and have him agree not to drive at night or in bad weather. Or maybe get him agree to drive only to the grocery store or other immediately local locations.

Asking a man to give up driving is a big, big deal. It's taking away his independence. It's emasculating. I don't know how bad he is. Use those resources I was talking about in the search feature, and you'll find some articles that help you and he self-determine if he's still safe to drive. No elderly person drives like he did when he was 30. That's not the standard to which he should be measured. Those resources will help you evaluate a minimum level of safety.

If you don't want him to drive anymore, you have a responsibility to put in place a system to replace the driving, either with driving services, taxis, carpools, etc. There are also services that offer driver's training for seniors, to help them identify their weakness, and help them improve.

Good luck.

There are a lot of ways to stop someone from driving, but very few -- if any -- ways to do it where the person will be happy about it. How upset the person gets about losing his/her driving privileges depends on a lot of things.

My dad was always a very strong-willed, independent, even controlling person. He prided himself in having a nice car. He was the one who always drove because mom never had a license. Once his dementia set in, the whole driving issue became a nightmare for me.

I couldn't reason with him. His answer was always "there's nothing wrong" and "nothing's going to happen." Telling him that he might scratch/smash his car, hurt himself, hurt mom, or hurt someone else made no impact on him.

He couldn't remember to fill the tank, pay the registration, pay the insurance, or any of the other responsibilities involved in operating a car, but yet, nothing was wrong in his mind.

Dad was so insistent that nothing was wrong that I would second guess myself and start thinking that I was crazy and over-reacting. Thank goodness I talked to other people that could validate my concerns.

Initially, I put a tracker on dad's car so I could find him if he got lost or ran out of gas. Plus, this tracker gave me feedback on his driving speeds and quick stops.

When I saw enough on the tracker and from his day-to-day behaviors, I knew something had to be done. I tried telling him that my car was in the garage and asking to "borrow" his. That worked for a few days, but he eventually started yelling at everyone and demanding his car back.

So, I returned his car and the keys to him, and then took the keys back when he wasn't looking. (You need to make sure you get ALL sets of keys!)

For awhile, I had a family member park their car in front of the garage door, so dad couldn't get his car out of the garage.

I know people who have disconnected the battery or done other mechanical alterations so that the car won't start when the person goes to use it. This can work if the person isn't mechanical and won't call someone to fix it for them

I know POAs who have sold the car to prevent the person from driving. This can work if the person doesn't have the means to borrow, rent, or buy another car.

I decided to keep dad's car at his house rather than sell it. He seems to get comfort from seeing the car at his house, and this keeps him from yelling and making everyone miserable. With his dementia and physical health, he rarely thinks of going anywhere, but he likes to see his car sitting in the driveway. I can imagine that for some people, seeing the car would stir up temptation, anger, or sadness.

For dad, having the car is a comfort, but for me, it's a huge hassle and a waste of money. We're paying insurance and all expenses on a car that's rarely used. And, guess who gets to take care of all the upkeep on it? Right now, the battery is dead and won't hold a charge because it sat at his house for a year without me running it.

Dad eventually had his license recalled after a doctor reported him to the Dept of Transportation. I had been talking to all of his doctors about his driving. I don't even know which doctor reported him, but I'm glad one of them did! Dad got a letter in the mail saying that due to medical reasons he needed to send in his license immediately, or he would be fined/arrested. I mailed his license in because dad was unable to manage his mail at that point.

I kept the letter from the state and I've shown it to dad on a few occasions when he's demanded to drive. Seeing the letter did NOT help him at all. Dad would say the letter was a fake, or he would blame me for mailing his license to the Dept of Transportation.

Thankfully, the outbursts about the car are rare now, but it took quite awhile. I wish I could tell you some easy way of handling this issue where everyone is going to be safe, calm and agreeable, but unfortunately, I don't think there is one. I hated every minute of dealing with this issue.

Many docs don't want to be involved. Police often can only get involved after the fact. DMVs aren't always helpful (mom's license state requires self-reporting for dementia!)

HOWEVER, there are too many posts I've read on this forum that talk about relatives who continue to drive despite being told not to, having their license revoked, etc. That doesn't stop them. They either dismiss the whole idea or forget it!

Hiding the keys might work for a while, but don't underestimate those with dementia!!! When we had to take mom's car away, YB did all the talking and took her key. On the way out, I suggested disabling the car as I was sure she had another key. Next day, who gets the nasty call? Me. Never touched her key and told her so. Day 2, another nasty call demanding I get down there now and fix whatever I did to her car. So, she dug around and found that other key! If he hadn't pulled the battery cable, she would have been off like a rocket!

For most men, I wouldn't suggest disconnecting the battery cable. That's too easy. Additionally, you need to drive. The first option I can suggest are to use The Club, which locks the steering wheel - keep the key for that on you at all times! The second option is to have a kill switch installed. Just be sure to have it placed where he isn't likely to see it AND only deactivate it before he gets into the car, so he doesn't see you flip the switch.

Revoking his license may sound great, but it won't stop him from trying!

It’s a tough one. My cousin who is 98 drives!

She says that she only drives close to home.

Never has had an accident but I get concerned because she does get speeding tickets. She argues with the police about getting a ticket.

There is a shuttle bus from her senior home that will take her to her doctor appointments but she says that she hates to take it.

When she went to the DMV, they told her if she passes the eye test she can get a license.

Doesn’t it seem like people past a certain age should have to take a driving test?

I think it is sensible and reasonable but apparently that isn’t the case in Louisiana.

My cousin has no intention of giving up driving.

Perhaps the one thing that will work, as I have known it to with others similarly situated: stress the liability involved if they are in an accident and hurt someone else. They could not only be found criminally negligent but, and I hate to say this but let's be honest, money talks: they could be sued and stand to lose everything they own if they are found civilly liable.

The ability to drive is not age-related but ability-related. I understand that AARP has a pretty good senior driver's class. Encourage him to take the class AND to have a behind the wheel assessment with Department of Motor Vehicles. Also stress the possibility of having a car accident and being charged with a crime. If you do not feel safe, you drive when you are together.

It is NOT your fault! repeat....It is NOT your fault!!
Finally the state denied my FIL (92 then) a renewal because he couldn't pass the eye test AND had had a couple of fender benders. He STILL drove around town in spite of having a neighbor who offered (and we sneak her money) to take him anywhere he wants/needs to go. We "thought" he had given up as for months he only drove from the carport to the church parking lot beside his house so that he could sit in the sun during the winter months. He did not need to get on any road for that and the parking lot is empty except for Sunday morning. No one wanted to deny him that. He hadn't been legally judged incompetent and no one wanted to steal or vandalize his vehicle.
BUT THEN!!!!! his second COVID vax was due. He had GONE by himself 20 miles down a state highway to get it himself. And he did it too. So now the fuse to the fuel pump or something like that is in his neighbor's pocket.

There has to be an excuse to put his vehicle in the shop, ie: in a relative's garage indefinitely. We got so lucky.

My Mom was a piece of cake in comparison. All I had to do was point out a little dog she couldn't see (hmmm, was it really there?) and tell her she could have hit it and what if it had been a child? Then of course I promised she would have a ride anywhere she needed to go and most of the places she wanted to go.

I am so glad that both of my parents gave up driving graciously. So, I never had this problem.

I did have the problem of my oldest brother (now deceased) wanting to buy a new motorcycle after totaling his. He nearly died in that accident and still dreamed of owning another bike!

The will to drive for some people is really strong. My brother wasn’t safe to drive with in a car or as a passenger on his bike. I never rode with him anywhere. I certainly wouldn’t ever have gotten on the back of his bike!

I stopped riding my uncle when he accidentally was driving up the exit ramp on the interstate! Thank goodness there were no cars behind us and I talked him into driving backwards for us to get back on the road and drive in the correct direction.

I wouldn’t hesitate to do anything and everything to get a person who isn’t capable of driving to stop. It is a matter of safety for them and other people on the road.

I have always admired the group started by moms (MADD) against drunk drivers.

We all have a responsibility to be safe drivers and to ensure that others are safe drivers.

Doctors and the DMV should do their part to ensure safety as well.

Good luck with getting your dad to stop driving.

Advice to take away the care or disable it is no help to people who need the car for themselves or someone else in the household.
Revoking someone's license won't necessarily stop them driving, there are plenty of unlicensed and uninsured drivers on the road.
Hiding the keys can cause problems if the person with dementia may become violently angry, and that is unpredictable.

Many (most?) cars today have a transponder key with a chip inside and the car won't start without these special keys. If you cut a plain key it will open doors and in my car at least turn over the engine but the car won't start (I learned this when I had a plain key cut to hide as a spare - lol). Ask your dealer/mechanic if this will work for you.

cwille,

You’re right that many people take the chance of driving without a license or insurance.

I would be too nervous to drive without a license but people of all ages do it all the time.

My neighbor’s son took the car in the middle of the night to go for a joy ride with his friends.

He’s 18. They stayed out all night. The dad went to get in his car for work and no car in the driveway. That kid was punished for months!

You make sure he can not get the keys to the car if it is the only one you have. (If he had his own car get rid of that one, tell him it is at the repair shop)
I had a small safe where I kept the keys to the car or I had, and still do, them on a carabiner and clipped to my belt loop and I wear them all the time. AND I always kept the car locked.
The facilitator to my Support Group had a mechanic put a switch under the dash so that her husband could not start the car even if he got the keys.
I also told my Husband that the medication that he was taking said not to drive while taking it.

Undo the battery cable I had to do that for my dad

I can think of only three ways. First, do all that you can to get the professionals to make him stop. If it doesn't work, keep a record of your attempts to protect yourself if there is an accident. Two, disable the car or take the keys and keep the doors locked at all times. Three, most important - if it is necessary to go to do errands or whatever he is doing, make immediate arrangements that will definitely provide a ride to him to take him wherever and whenever he wants. That is the toughest one of all to solve. I know. I can still safely drive and do and I will be 88 (no one complains - tells me I am an outstanding driver) but if my car needs repairs, etc. or I am ill and need a ride, getting a ride from anyone is nearly impossible. I had to hitch hike on two occasions and I was terrified but I had no choice at the time. This is a must - you cannot stop someone from driving unless alternative means of transportation are guaranteed. Sorry, but that is why so many people just don't give up.

I’ve known people who could drive quite well into their 90’s and others that couldn’t drive well even in their 20’s. I was broadsided by a lady in her 80’s that had a poodle in her lap blocking her view of the intersection. My car was totaled, her’s just needed some front end work. She definitely needed her license revoked but others that are able to follow the rules of the road and aren’t suffering from dementia or other conditions that affect ability can still drive.

Usually the Dr will tell his Patient when he thinks it's unsafe for him to continue to drive.

Other than that, you'd have to wait until he can no longer get his Driver's License renewed.

If the person is not a danger to himself or others, the authorities seem to be very reluctant to take away the license. My father got his license renewed when he was 93 years old! He stopped driving when he kept falling asleep at the wheel, and had 2 minor accidents. My mother was like your father. She'd get lost, forget where she was going, and would forget where she parked the car. She agreed to give up the car when she moved to a senior residence and they have a shuttle service for the residents. What arrangements can you make for your father to get around if he can't use his car? Maybe if you can line up someone to drive him places he'd accept that.

I recently had the same problem with my Dad. I wrote a letter to his "Alzheimer's doctor" (neurologist) and listed recent scary episodes with Dad's driving. I tried to do this in a matter of fact way. Then, in the letter, I asked for him to order a driving evaluation. He did! We went to an occupational therapy clinic and Dad was given a simulator test, then a road test, and answered questions in the office. It was a 3 hour test, and insurance didn't cover it- but it was money well spent! About $300. Then the doctor received a copy of the results, and called us to make an appointment. Once there, Dad was told he failed the evaluation and the risks involved if he kept driving. He was given a form from the State to sign (he did) saying he would surrender his license and stop driving.
I hope this helps you.

I really do not have an answer, my thought would be to always be available to drive him places. My dad is now 98. I drove all the time when he was 97 until Covid hit. (Dad was a good driver). Because I told him if he went for take out, he could not eat in the car due to covid. He pretty much just stopped driving on his own. I get the groceries and pop in with a McDonald’s sausage egg McMuffin for breakfast twice a week. Plus the occasional Arby’s Fish or McDonald’s quarter pounder he us happy to not drive. We take dad out for rides occasionally also.

I am sorry you are going through all of this. Please contact the license bureau and have hit driver's license revoked and get a permanent ID card, and you will have to confiscate his keys. You will have to buy a safe to put the keys in and lock them up.

Notify your auto insurance. In fact, you may want to call his insurance company *now*. I bet they will give you very good advice because they don't want to pay out on claims.

You said "Of course it is all my fault." There is obviously a back story to this comment. Can you share why you said this?

Driving and elders, especially male elders. My mother had two accidents (her fault) in less than two years, thankfully no one was seriously hurt. When asked about her driving ability and whether she should give it up, she readily agreed.

My father, however, drove longer than he should have. I asked and asked and asked that he give up driving, but no he was more than capable. Mom said as long as she felt safe with his driving shed continue to ride with him. Sheesh! Finally I talked him into donating his car to charity, but I dithered too long and he drove again after he promised he wouldn't - "Well the car was still there and there is nothing wrong with my driving." From this I knew I needed to get a move on. Got dad's car donated, but he was not at all happy and complained and complained and complained. I took him to the Dr and he complained at which point she said "We've talked about your driving."

If you have children, I'd get them involved, better he be mad at his children rather than you. But no matter what he needs to stop driving - and no matter what, he's going to be mad about it. While I feared my father would have an accident and kill someone, I was also worried about him getting lost - really lost - where on the television the elder left in their car to go to the grocery store and ended up 400 miles away.

From the statement "Of course it is all my fault." no matter what you do there will be no gratitude from you spouse. But you will still have your spouse. Good luck.

Contact the local DMV - and tell them that there is a "senior driver at risk" who should no longer be driving.

They can send somebody out to your home to give him a "driving test" on the spot to show that he is not a safe driver. (I know people who have had this done.)

In my husband's case, it was very simple to have him give up driving. Once he was diagnosed with ALZ, the Dr was mandated to notify the DMV that he was no longer qualified to drive. The DMV sent a letter requiring him to stop driving and instead get a state-issued ID card. He protested but I called the insurance company and they said if he was in an accident, even if it was not his fault, he would be judged responsible and the insurance would not cover him at all. He could lose all his assets including his house, savings, everything. This got his attention since he had worked hard all his life to build a sizable estate. Never drove after that day.

My SIL managed by having a friend ask to borrow FILs van because his wife's was in the shop. Shortly after that he started attending ADH and lost his interest in going elsewhere.  The only issue we had was when another sister wanted dad to come to her so she could "borrow" his $.  Then he wanted to go, one of the siblings would offer to take him after chores and he would forget.  We finally limited his contact with her so she couldn't keep stealing from him.  My mother the Dr finally sent a letter to the DMV and she was upset when she got the letter telling her she couldn't drive but finally gave in.  She was rarely alone for more than a couple hours so her sister or I could take her anywhere she needed to go.

Go to license branch talk to them.. they can take his driver's license.