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I will try to make this as short as possible. My dad has early stages of dementia with a long list of health issues. The most recent is kidney disease due to a new diagnosis of autoimmune disease. He has his wife who's 76 he is almost 80, they are on Medicare and between pension and ss they bring in about $5000 a month. They only have a mortgage maybe $1000 a month no car payment so just their basic living expenses as far as I know. I have 2 sisters and his wife has 4 kids. 1 of my sisters is estranged due to them telling her years ago she is going to hell for being gay. I have been back and forth due to my issues with them as a child. I was molested by my mom's boyfriend and physically and emotionally abused by my mom and my dad and stepmom just looked the other way. My dad started to have mobility issues in 2020 and I began to check in with them more as I was feeling guilty for not always being in their life. I lived away for 20 years and moved back. Stepmom started to guilt me in to helping more such as buying his depends since he is incontinent and asking for me and my sisters to pay for someone to watch him while she does recreation stuff for herself to get out of the house. I instead got his VA benefits he was never in a war but was in the reserves. They have provided someone in the home a few hours a day a few times a week. Well that wasn't enough for my stepmom she started to ask for more. My husband and I have been married 5 years we are both divorced so we basically started over financially when we got divorced. Our divorces were not in our favor and we came into this marriage with nothing so we are trying to save as much as we can for our future. My husband is 56 and I am 48 so we are trying to make up for lost time in saving. Plus we want to buy long term care insurance so we can make sure we are OK in our golden years. Neither of us have a job with a pension. Plus we don't have children. So I really don't feel comfortable helping them out financially. Plus I work a lot and don't feel up-to going over and babysitting. 5 years ago I also found out that my mom lied to me and my dad and he isn't even my biological dad. Though that doesn't really matter since he is the only dad I have known. My issue is they had many years to plan and prepare for their future and I'm not sure why they have never saved any money. I have no one to fall back on and my sister who is stepping in to help can't afford it herself. I know she has zero saved for her future and that worries me, she is 9 years older than me. Another issue that i just recently started therapy for. My stepmoms grandkids have come out and said my dad molested them when they were younger so her kids and grandkids have washed their hands of my dad who they thought of as their dad and grandpa. It's all such a bizarre sick situation and I don't like to even think of it. I am angry over it and angry at him but still feel some compassion since he is declining. I am just so unsure of what I am expected to do at this point and feel so helpless even to myself. Any advice or even emotional support I will gladly take. I now understand why my stepmoms kids are no where around their house or even offering their mom some respite. He is back in the hospital again with the kidney issue and recently started immunotherapy infusions but I don't think he will be around for much longer. The Dr said any illness he gets he will succumb to since his immune system will be wiped out. He will be discharged soon and I don't see how my stepmom can take care of him fulltime, he can't walk now.

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There really is not much you can do for them. Do not use your own money to help with any of this. Not because of their treatment of you or what has been reported to you about them, but because you can't afford it. You did good to get VA involved. Perhaps let your stepmom know that she does not have to take him back home. She can say it would be an unsafe discharge and they have to find a place for him. She also needs an elder lawyer to help her divide money, so she doesn't end with no way to support herself, and to navigate what is coming for her. But someone else at the hospital, a social worker maybe, can explain all this to her. I think it is enough that you offer your best wishes and mostly stay out of it all, except to give minimal advice. Otherwise live your life and be happy concentrating on your relationship and work. And continue therapy, as this is very heavy stuff you deal with.
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Since he is in the hospital, this is the golden opportunity to have him placed somewhere since stepmom will not be able to take care of him. And it does not appear that they can afford help at home.

You and your sister should not spend ANY money on his/their financial needs. Depends, etc. are not your responsibility.

Since he is doing so poorly, I wonder if a hospice evaluation would be appropriate?

Good luck.
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Take care of yourself and your husband. You’re not to blame for their problems. You owe them nothing.

You are right about this being a terrible situation, and I sympathize. You have the right to stay away from it. Please do, and good luck.
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His wife needs to understand that she is responsible for her husband no one but her. Just keep helping her find resourses. Do not give her money.

5000k a month? I wish my DH and I got 5K a month. Of course they have a Mortgage but should be able to live on 4k a month. If the house is getting too much for them, then they need to downsize. You are not responsible to keep them in the lifestyle they are accustomed to. Happens when you retire. Your on a fixed income and have to live within it. At you and husbands age, you hang onto ur money. I so wish I had talked my Mom into getting an apartment. She may have gotten something decent for her home. She would not have had the upkeep or the taxes.

Concerning the discharge. If your SM cannot care for him, he can go directly to LTC. If they have no money she applies for Medicaid. She should see an elder lawyer who can help her with this. He can have assets split. When on Medicaid, she becomes the Community Spouse, remaining in the home, having a car and enough or all of their monthly income go to help her pay bills. Its up to her.
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JoAnn29 Jul 2023
My Mom was 78 when my Dad started declining. She never asked for help, she did it all. Even when he was on Hospice she cared for him and believe me, he was not easy.

JoAnn929
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