My MIL just passed away at 102 and it was very peaceful. Not only was I her main caregiver, POA, etc. but I am married to her son (78) who is slowly dying in hospice care at a facility for almost 3 years. He has FTD (frontal temporal dementia) and vascular dementia. My heart aches every minute for him. Thank God I am able to have him in a wonderful facility! I go in every day to feed him because I want to! If I need to go somewhere then I call ahead and they take over. My MIL was independent at another retirement village living her best life. Three weeks ago my son flew in from LA (we live in PA) and he had a nice visit with her. One week later she passed away. She was very demanding to me since FIL passed 10 years ago and I’m the only family member able to take over all her needs. I’m POA, etc. I’m emotionally exhausted - my husband is deteriorating and I miss “us” and are married 50 years. I’m 73 and am just now addressing some medical problems.My son is SO MAD that I didn’t have a full blown funeral for her and tell him! I told him we discussed it and NOBODY is left to go! We decided on a graveside burial. He now claims he would’ve flown home (2 weeks later?). For a graveside prayer that lasted 5 minutes? Are you kidding me????? He was just here and visited her for 2 hours! Isn’t it a blessing he was able to do that while she was well and alive? All he does is act all pissy with me! Sooooo, yesterday I let him have it coast-to coast - I said “you have the audacity to talk to me while my plate is overflowing with grief and decisions and I don’t feel well? YOU MOVED OUT THERE NOT ME so get over it because you have no freaking choice!” Period! My other son was on a business trip in Germany and understands I have to do what I have to do. BTW my oldest is 48 and the one who could’nt come in is 42. How should I handle this? He’ll be home for Christmas and this may come up. He has no children and his wife is close mouthed and won’t give an opinion either way! Ugh!!!
These are your quotes from various posts:
"I believe he just wants to piss me off because he knows I’ve been complaining about her demands for a long time now and he doesn’t want to hear it."
"This “thing” about my MIL has only surfaced in the last 6-7 years as I started complaining (b******g) about her attitude around then."
Then you say:
"Again, I think it’s a rebellious thing because I couldn’t stand the in-laws and he’s only now finding out."
Well, if you've been complaining about your MIL for the last 6-7 years, then he's not "only" finding out.
You also said:
"For some reason my eldest son (my sons are 5 years apart) just cannot take a conversation of anything negative about my MIL."
"I never once bad-mouthed his grandmother to him until the last couple years. I didn’t believe in that as I hate drama."
I'll be willing to bet you've been bad mouthing your MIL for a lot longer than that, not necessarily without a reason and maybe not intentionally; regardless however, why on Earth would you have continued to do so once your son made is clear to you he didn't want to hear it?
If you want him to respect YOUR feelings, you need to start respecting his. It's a two-way street.
It seems to ME that he is somewhat closer to his grandmother than maybe you want him to be. Or maybe more than you understand why. For whatever reason, he wanted to be included in the funeral of his grandmother, no matter how humble it might have been, and by not even informing him of it, you removed any chance he might have had. Really, he is an adult, what is it to YOU if he chose to fly across the country to attend?
I think you owe him an apology.
And one other thing - stop putting any other children in the middle of this squabble, your other kid(s) will not be thankful to you getting them involved.
maybe she learned to be quiet; you're darned if you do and darned if you don't..
there's no winning in that situation.
remind your son, it's okay.. she knows you loved her, and I'm sorry you feel you missed out. if it helps, you can go anytime to see her..
my in-laws are 15 minutes away.. I haven't been there this year..
Or maybe the DIL dislikes her MIL and much as the OP disliked HER MIL. In situations like this, I'm always reminded of the adage that men tend to marry women who remind them of their mothers...
It is not the responsibility of the OP's DIL to be the arbitrator in this dispute.
You should have told him that there wasn't going to be a funeral and that it was only going to be a few minutes of prayers at the gravesite. He's overreacting though. You could just apologize to him and say that you made a mistake in not telling him and leave it there. Then it's up to him to stop acting like a child.
Honestly though, you should knock off the gaslighting and trying to guilt-trip him from moving away. Did you not want your children to grow up and have their own lives? No one should ever be guilt-tripped for moving away from home and making a life for themselves. That is what people are supposed to do.
Call your son and tell him you're sorry.
Why do you need to be vindicated? You know that there will not be 100% vindicated responses. There are always two sides to the story and the truth lies somewhere in the middle.
You are highly charged and emotional because of your extensive care giving and responsibilities but you shouldn't feel the need to have your sons behavior and our responses be a source of validation. Perhaps grief counseling would be beneficial. I wish you peace and strength during this difficult time.
But, really, why are you allowing yourself to be a slave to your son's emotions and worried about him being mad, if you honestly feel you are in the right? It's over and done, so there is no changing the reality now. It's too bad he was upset with you, but both of you need to get over it. Now, you're worrying about "what if" this same argument continues into the future and how you'll handle it? There is nothing more you can say to him. Don't allow him to continue harping on it. Tell him you're sorry he feels cheated, but it is in the past now, there is no changing it. Suggest that he spend time with his Dad now, before he passes, and ask if the son would like to be involved in future funeral planning for his dad.
I'm so sorry for all your recent trauma. I'm sure you are emotionally and physically drained! You don't need to add your son's emotional upset to your burdens. Let him find a way to make peace with it. You can't please everybody.
Bless you!
Sorry, I see this totally different from the other responders. You gave him incorrect information about services for a family member he cared about, and he's upset. And now you're on here yelling with your one hundred exclamation points about what a brat he is. Why can't you just admit you accidentally did something that hurt his feelings?
Seems like it would be a lot better for everyone if you could put on your own big girl panties and say "I'm sorry I didn't give you the information" instead of this endless justification about how he wouldn't have come anyway. Instead you're planning to hold some big grudge from now through Christmas about how he shouldn't have feelings. Grow up.
I think his anger at you about the funeral is just his way of expressing his fear albeit misplaced.
He is afraid of losing his dad. He is afraid of losing you. And I am guessing he is older so he may also be facing his own mortality. That is scary for anyone.
When he begins just tell him that what has been done is done and can't be changed.
If you do not have his dad's funeral planned out ask him if he would like to help with that now. Also ask if he would like to help you plan yours as well. You can plan yours and your husbands at the same time.
When he begins to get angry about this simply walk away from the conversation. Just say "I am not going to get into this with you again" and walk away. If it is on the phone hang up, in the house go to another room, out in public turn and go the other way. You will never "win" this argument because you can not change what was done.
You have a point about being scared. This attitude started when my husband was diagnosed by the neurological scans. He lost his dad before that, though, due to the FTD disease starting early.
I think I should clear up the reason he got so pissed. I may have to word this differently- it’s not that there was no funeral. It was already prepaid anyway! That part is understood. It’s the fact that I didn’t tell him which day and what the undertaker decided to “get this over with”. He said “I may have wanted to be there!” That’s when it got ugly. I said “FOR WHAT - a 5 minute prayer and I never even sat down?” Bam! It was over. Casket ready to be lowered, etc! Pouring rain hit with heat annd humidity etc. I was glad to run to the car and get home! His response? “Well let that up to me to decide!” Ok great! There’s nobody else / dad is getting cremated in an urn and brought home to sit on the mantel!
Again, I think it’s a rebellious thing because I couldn’t stand the in-laws and he’s only now finding out. Maybe he’s pissed because I kept their bad behavior from them??? Who knows? Get over it!!! Never thought he gave 2 poops about those grandparents as they were never around! I don’t give a big poop as to why he is acting the way he is now! I have no worries about his future and I’ll do what I want for me from here on out!
To be such a great kid and person he’s turned out to be doesn’t fit the description of this at all! Everyone here is 100000% correct and the advice/comments are great. I just wanted to be vindicated in my parent response and his shitty behavior validated.
If he brings it up again you can politely and calmly tell him "I already gave you all the reasons for doing what I did, and nothing has changed. If you continue to ride me about it I'm going to receive that as disrespect, cluelessness and selfishness. I'm done talking about it forever. Pass the salt."
Take really good care of yourself and I wish you all the best going forward.
Since he just saw her, why would he say he’s flying back AGAIN 3,000 miles from West Coast to East Coast for a 5 minute ceremony??? He would never do that for anyone! It’s too expensive and time-consuming! His argument is that I told him I was having nothing. Well, a prayer at the gravesite IS nothing! Get over it!
I believe he just wants to piss me off because he knows I’ve been complaining about her demands for a long time now and he doesn’t want to hear it. Well, I say, put your big boy panties on and deal with the truth! Your dad was not treated well by her and neither was her other son (who is deceased). The daughter-in-laws (me) and the other one were always put on the back burner. I never once bad-mouthed his grandmother to him until the last couple years. I didn’t believe in that as I hate drama. They live so far away that they don’t need to come home to combative accusations and arguments.
Yes, I have Christmas and it’s low-key and the kids all do the cooking for Christmas Day which is a treat because the youngest son and his wife are gourmet cooks! Then, they leave a day or 2 later and both live on the West Coast so it’s fine.
Christmas is a ways off still. 🎄(Although I did see some decorations for sale the other day at Costco! 🤯) Hopefully this will all blow over and be water under the bridge by then.
There is no way that you should cater to your son's temper tantrum. I'm glad you told him off, and if you need to, do it again. Aside from that, peace on earth goodwill to all!
FYI, my husband is in the same situation that yours is. If he survives that long, I will be with him as much as possible over the holidays. There are many ways to celebrate Christmas. Being with bratty adult kids is not even on the list.
You are a true hero in my book! I wish you the strength to get through all this stress and not hear anymore BS from your son. He should be ashamed of himself.
This “thing” about my MIL has only surfaced in the last 6-7 years as I started complaining (b******g) about her attitude around then.
I found out from my husband and his brother and other family members what a narcissist his mother was and it fit all the suspicions I had. I got angry with myself for not listening to family members who knew her way before me. I’m a person that wants to find out for myself. I sure did. Never babysat, it was always an excuse. Lived in Florida for 8 months/yr. so the in-laws missed a LOT of their grandchildren’s milestones. My parents were the polar opposite.
For some reason my eldest son (my sons are 5 years apart) just cannot take a conversation of anything negative about my MIL. And his wife is no help - she’s a lovely person from a lovely family where grandma was revered and she doesn’t want to be in the room when my son and I even “get into it” so I hold it back. It’s not like they live close - too far to start ugly words and fight. I tell my other son - he listens, but, doesn’t take sides. Listens is so imperative especially during these difficult times I have now. I wasn’t close emotionally to my MIL due to her behavior and my FIL was a bombastic know-it-all. So, there you have some background info.
Yes, everything you said is spot on. I agree. I’m not giving excuses for him at all, just some background on MY relationship with the deceased. I wasn’t tight with her and didn’t act it for my husband’s sake. He didn’t need that on top of a diagnosis in his 60’s of FTD and Vascular dementia.
For some reason, many adult children are under the delusion that we moms are Superwoman with the ability to juggle 5 chaotic crises on our plates at once. While wearing pearls, of course, and having our hair done once a week at the beauty parlor.
My condolences on the loss of your dear MIL, the state of your husband's health, and the lack of empathy on your son's part.
Bottom line is that you were your MIL's POA so you got to make all the final choices that you thought were best for all involved, and that's exactly what you did.
So hold your head high and if and when the subject comes up again, tell your son to just shut up and remind him who was in control and that if he wanted to be his grandma's POA he should have spoken up sooner so she could have been transferred out to LA to be under his watchful eye.
Then and only then could he have made the final decisions. Hopefully that will shut him up.
May God bless and keep you as you travel this difficult road with your precious husband.
My father died in June. He was 98. My sisters (who are twins) have had a huge falling out. They can no longer be in the same room together. They hate each other that much. My mother's funeral two years ago was a fiasco because of them and I decided I didn't want a repeat performance and told both of them I wouldn't be coming to any funeral for our father.
My one sister has our mother's ashes and the other has my father's. I have no clue if there was an internment yet and if there was, did both of my sisters show up or not. They were also fighting over my father's flag. My one sister wants to give it to her son and the other wants to give it to her grandson.
I just decided to sit this out for my mental health. I cannot fix this and I cannot make it better.
I had a mass said for my parents in the local church here where I live. My husband and I went on Friday to attend it. When I go back to NY next month I hope to pay my respects if they are finally interred. But who knows.
You cannot make this stuff up.
I think COVID taught us we do not need a big elaborate funeral to say good bye. My husband and I are not affilated with a Church. Our parents, Aunts and Uncles are gone. Siblings are 7 to 18 hours away. One brother I have not seen since Mom died. You don't care about me before my death, don't come to my funeral. We are having no services. We are being cremated. Told my girls they can have dinner on me and who they want to join them.
I agree, why would son come back for a 5 min graveside service. He can visit her when he is home again. You have enough on your plate to worry about this.