I care for my sister who is 14 years older than me. I have grown children and grandchildren. I recently sold my house and moved in with my sister to care for her. Whenever my children visit or I go visit them, my sister claims that she is being neglected and abandoned and acts out. We do include her as much as possible but how do I get her to understand that the relationship I have with my children has certain levels that do not include her and that I need to continue to nurture without her.
She is not very mobile due to broken bones and subsequent health issues resulting from surgeries for broken bones. Her incontinence also causes issues with taking her places with me.
This is new for me and she has not been professionally diagnosed with dementia but I hope to have more insight soon. If she is diagnosed, she would probably be early stage.
Think about it. Husbands and wives argue about family visits. Brothers and Sisters argue about them. Parents and children argue about them. Even roommates argue about them.
You say you "care for your sister". I don't know if she has dementia, or if she has physical needs that mean the two of you living together works for you. You have housing. She has help. So overall this works.
But clearly there was no discussion of what would work re your family visits, and what he expectations of same would be. She seems still to consider this to be HER HOME despite your being there protecting her from loss of home and independence entirely.
I can only say that there needs to be some compromise. It may be that family, if appreciable in numbers, cannot visit staying in HER home. They may need to rent a nearby motel when visiting you. And when you visit them, it's "on" for whatever you like.
Compromise, compromise. That's what living together is all about.
Stop expecting it to be perfect and for everyone to be "happy all the time". Because when you really think about it when was happy-all-the-time a thing?
Boundaries and do not feel guilty about making them. You have avright to spend time with your children without your sister.
And make it perfectly clear that she can throw all the tantrums she wants but that isn't going to change the way things will be with you and your immediate family.
It might not hurt either to let her know that the next time she acts out or says something negative, that you're going to stay with your children until she gets her sh*t together, as you will no longer tolerate her bad behavior.
You are the one who chose to help her out so she needs to be more understanding about your need to spend time with your children and grandchildren. And if she can't it may be time to rethink your decision and start looking for a new place for you to move to, and your sister into an assisted living facility.
Since your sister has not been diagnosed with any dementia, you really can't blame any of this on that. She just may be jealous because you are out having fun with your family and she is not. That is NOT your problem or issue.
Tell her to look into different programs that Senior Services or the Shepherd Center offers, as they have a lot of fun options for seniors even with her limited mobility.
Best wishes in getting those healthy boundaries set.
Maybe plan one easy thing she can do? Do your kids and grandkids visit with her when they visit you?
You could always agree with her and say something like, “yes, it would be wonderful if one day you are well enough to go on an outing with us. Let’s make a plan for that .” You know..something not passive aggressive.
I feel like sometimes they are wishing for those days and feeling the loss and not necessarily that she wants to go on an all day outing with her broken bones and incontinence. So maybe just acknowledge what she is really feeling.
just a thought
As caregivers we need to have some time off. Sister will not recognize that, we as caregivers need to tell them that.
I suggest you pick up a copy of the book Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller on Amazon so you can learn about dementia and how to deal with your sister and what to expect from her.
Have a Plan B in place for when she becomes too much to handle and you can't do it anymore. Hire in home help on a schedule to give you respite, is one plan, and placing her in Skilled Nursing care with Medicaid is another, if money is tight. In home care has to work for BOTH of you, not just your sister. You can't give up your entire LIFE because she wants you to, that's unreasonable.
Play it by ear but be realistic.
Best of luck to you.