My very controlling, critical, know-it-all sister is asking me to keep a journal of all I do with Mom for her to see. How to handle?

Just say no.

Then you have answered your own question.... I, personally, would not do it... for many reasons... who has the time to write down the daily things anyway. What are going to be your 'consequences' if you don't do this? They are going to be bitter???? Of course it's up to you in the end... but a big loud NOPE would be coming from me.... let us know how this unfolds.... hugs

OhmyGod I thought I'd accidentally typed this question in my sleep without being aware of it…

Yes. Apparently, I'm a) secretive; b) defensive; c) impossible to talk to; d) behaving suspiciously; e) a control freak; f) unable to cope…

I keep trying to write an email with the subject line: "Worrying about mother? Want to know more about what's going on? Meet me halfway: express an interest…"

And the email goes on to explain how I think good, clear, constructive communication might work for us as a family, with my three older siblings all living 50-130 miles away, and my mother and myself living together. But then when I start citing examples of where we're going wrong, meaning to start putting it right, the whole message all goes to pot and invariably winds up with something like "so if you want to make my life easier why don't you just f*** off and die - "

Which I feel would probably not set their minds at rest, or indeed improve relations in general.

Now then. What I have found helpful FOR ME in the past, though, is keeping a daily diary-cum-to-do-list-cum-contact-sheets-cum-memo-pad, all in a Moleskine exercise book with a pocket on the back cover for tickets, receipts, appointment letters, what have you. And one of the virtues of this system is that, whoever you're talking to - sibling, doctor, company you've ordered from whose delivery hasn't turned up - you've got everything down there right in front of you. It's also great if you've got a complicated meds regimen to follow, and for keeping track of what she's eaten so you can spot where her appetite tailed off/picked up again, and for weird things she came out with that you want to report to the next medic you see - everything. You've got the complete eye-witness daily record.

It has also crossed my mind that if I were to staple her prescription list to the inside of the front cover, and an emergency contacts sheet, The Book of Mother could be a life saver if I ever get struck by lightning or wind up in hospital or otherwise get suddenly taken out. [Note to self: do that. Don't just think about it for another couple of months.]

And, what right exactly would your sister have to demand to see this sacred volume? None at all, frankly. She can "do one," as my daughter would put it. If, on the other hand, you are feeling magnanimous and gracious; and IF you perhaps think that this offensive and arrogant demand might in some twisted way actually be intended as your sister's expression of some wish to participate in your mother's care… Well, then you could think about sharing it. Some of it. Maybe. In a way that suits you.

I have one exception to my personal rule of sharing information on demand, which is the best policy I've come up with to date; and the exception is my brother's wife. The reason I'm struggling with what to do about her is that she is INCREDIBLY STUPID - no, strike that out. But she is the sort of person who gets hold of the wrong end of the stick and will never let it go; and in a clinical context that is fantastically dangerous. If you also have worries that your sisters might, intentionally or not, misunderstand or misuse detailed information about your mother, then you have another problem altogether; and if/when I think of what to do about it I'll let you know.

So: it's a good idea to keep detailed information for yourself. Sharing it? - up to you. Good luck, and my goodness I feel for you. xxx

It sounds as if it could have to do with the inheritance. Perhaps you could ask your sister to keep records as well. I wouldn't show her any of your records, but it may be a good idea to keep records for yourself, as CountryMouse says.

Have the sister spend a week taking care of Mom.

Same premise of when husbands say taking care of a 2 year old is so easy.

If you are mom's guardian, you do an annual financial report. Send them a copy. When mom sees the MD, ask him to cc his reports to them. If mom has life insurance, cc the annual statement to them. Ask the MD if mom needs a visiting nurse, they are usually covered by Medicare. I'm not sure what the sisters are driving at, usually it's a squabble over money.

Who is the DPOA? Are you getting paid from your Mom? Sounds like she has been in touch with a lawyer possibly. Yes you should journal everything, I have about 30 books filled with what I have done with my Mom daily for over six years, but, they are mine and no one sees them except my hired cna's that help me and they write in it everything they do also.! Cover yourself by doing this for yourself, not her. You should be getting compensation for what you do, I hope you are. These will prove you deserve more of the inheritance or a caregivers contrat now, see a lawyer.

I don't understand why she wants to see. It sounds like she is just asking you to jump through a hoop. If your routine is like mine, it is pretty much the same every day. The only things that break the normal routine are things like church, appointments, and going out for dinner. What a boring journal it would be -- not worth the time to write or to read it.

I agree with Whitney. Unless the sister is a healthcare professional, your journal would do her no good -- other than to use against you if something were to happen. If sis is that concerned about mother's health and well being, invite her to assist.

If there's a chance she means well, tell her, "You sounded interested in how I care for Mom." Give her a list of Mom's problems, and a list of everything you do in a typical day when the fecal matter doesn't enter the ventilation system. Make it REALLY LONG, and include everything you do once or twice a week, not just what you manage to accomplish on slow days. Include time spent dealing with Mom's emotional upsets. Also list monthly activities like hairdresser and doctor appointments, pedicures, deep cleaning, bill paying.

That would be a way to let her know how things are. Giving her an opportunity to nitpick your decisions and daily use of time is a bad idea.

Jinx, that's exactly how one of my emails started out - intended to be a summary of what she does, what she needs, what she likes, what you have to look out for medically, in case (you never know) one of them needed to take charge of her at some point. Eight pages in, I've given up… they either won't read it or they'll think I'm taking the piss. Or both, and blame me! x

CM, No good deed goes unpunished.

Along those lines, "The beatings will continue until morale improves."

Thank you all ever sooo much for your feedback. I read each one carefully several times and considered all you said. I decided "No" on the journal and was able to tell my sister that it just wasn't practical. I do thank you all for your support and encouragement as it helped and enabled me to stand up better and not to be so controlled, dictated to. This is tough work.......family stuff! God bless you all .....
cadams

Good on you, and I'm glad you were able to be frank with your sister too. Best of luck with the hard slog x

Good! Glad you told her NO!!

Imagine if she wrote you a journal of all she did every day? Talk about being pissed off!!!

The daughter of my 86 year old suggested, I keep a journal so when they came to visit, they would know what was going on.
Worked for the first page and then I decided, they were on a need to know basis...I had already enough to do...thank you!