My 78 year old mother suffered a stroke in March followed by a broken hip in April and then entered a nursing home in which she has just laid down and given up on life. Her dementia is such that the doctor consider's her no longer able to conduct her own affiars. She refuses to get out of the bed or to do anything with PT. She's now sleeping more than usual, basically has to be helped to eat a meal, does not talk as much as usual and today I was not even sure she knew me and anyone else. I got the impression that she is withdrawing into herself.
She has been through a great deal of trauma and could have lost the will to fight anymore. My mother used to say to me, "Can't you just give me a little black pill?" She was so tired of pain and misery, even though we did everything we could to make life better. Of course, all I could say was, "No, I can't do that, but we will see if more can be done for your comfort."
I do believe she lost her will to live after my dad died, but it took five months for the physical effects to take over. She did get so she couldn't eat at all and then it was mostly about pain management and physical and psychological comfort. Dying is often a drawn out process. My heart goes out to you, as you are the one who must witness this process.
If the doctors think anything can be done to help her, listen to them and weigh the options. Will a procedure cause her more pain and misery, but prolong her life three days? These are choices we must make. What would she have wanted if she could make these decisions. You are savvy and concerned.
Please keep us posted. This is a hard way to spend this holiday season. I know. I experienced three Christmas season deaths. But it's not easy any time. Knowing my loved ones were finally out of pain was my comfort.
Take care,
Carol
Sometimes letting go can be so difficult for us, the ones "left behind". I truly believe that we need to make an extraordinary effort to get around or past our own feelings and needs, and do what we can to help the dying person to let go. As caregivers during the aging process we've done so much to help our parents, and this is the last and best thing we can and should do for them. I lost mom just before Thanksgiving and the feelings are still raw, but I still firmly believe that allowing her to go in peace was the best gift I could have given her.
So think about hospice. They'll be able to help you understand the stages of dying, support you, and help your mom. May you find peace in this process. I will pray for you and your mom.
Hospice is also, generally, very savvy about what signs are about the dying process and what notes a need to intervene with the process so the patient is more comfortable. Some people go on and off hopsice several times, as they actually improve under the care.
Carol
Doc told my husband just last week that his dad is "failing to thrive." He's losing tons of weight, falling (and hallucinating), sleeping a lot, and sometimes can barely keep his eyes open when we visit, try to wake him, or try to talk with him. He seems to be losing his hearing, as well. When he is ambulatory, his gait is much slower, and he seems to be so feeble. He taught his grandson to play chess last year, and was still beating him at chess not too many months ago. Now he doesn't even play. Last night, when I gave him a hug at supper, he yelled, "Don't take my out of this hospital; I like it here!" (He's been telling us for four years he wants to escape.) He's 90.
txmaggie, thanks for the Hospice suggestion. Doc said we can call Hospice if we want, but they won't do much more than he's getting already at the nursing home. Is that true? I thought about calling anyway, but is it selfish to wish for more support for us?
My dad is only 77, but is losing more communication skills, both verbal and auditory. He doesn't seem to understand what we say to him, and can't complete a recognizable sentence when speaking. He's sleeping more, and eating less, often refusing meals. He falls asleep wherever he can recline, or in a chair. Sometimes he lets us feed him, but only a bite or two. Advanced Stage Alzheimer's seems to be stealing him swiftly. Right now it's got his sparkle, with barely a twinge of spark now and then. There's still a smile, but only for brief seconds. I've asked for a med review, and he's had some labs done. They ruled out UTI, but have found nothing else, nor changed his meds. The Ativan they give him helps with aggitation, but makes him drowsy. I miss my contented dad. So discouraging! :(
I have seen hospice at work, and my experiences were very positive. I know that is what I would want under the circumstances.
Carol
Best,
Hapfra
Prayers up for all dealing with this - especially right now!
When hospice came in they told us they will not let her go past 9:30am. That told me they drug them enough so they just die. Would I call them to help, I don't think so. I can give proof about this too.
I want to be awake when my time comes and not under drugs. When I had my heart attack I was in the hospital. I heard angels singing. Wouldn't want to miss that. My lungs were filling up with water. They rushed me to another hospital and put the stents in. I told God I didn't want to die right now that I had other things I wanted to finish. It sure was the Lord who keep me here.
i wont be callin hospices unless i know my dad is on his way out .
i do know they changes meds and control over everything , im not ready to do that .
its a diffrent story if theyre suffering and is in alot of pain yes maybe a hospices be a good thing , as long as dad is not sufferin in pain then imnot going to worry about it ...
And, yes, Hospice is the way to go. My Dad went yesterday and they are making a world of difference in this grievous time. I don't know how long daddy has, but I thank God for Hospice
Are they druging them so much that they die? I would really like to know. You can give them medication to stop any pain they have at home. I took care of my dad who died from cancer. He had the medication to help with the pain. So why don't they do that now. Why speed up the death. Is that what they do? Why did they make that remark when they came in to take care of my friend. I was told they do it in NH by someone who worked there.
Come on guys this is MURDER
Fernando
They only had the drugs they needed for pain relief - no more. There was a great deal of family support, kindness, and no "hurrying of the process." When they did die, it was peacefully, with family at their side. It took my mother three days for her heart to quit beating (she had been mottling and showing other death signs for days). No one hurried the process. I watched carefully for signs of distress, and if there were any, medication was given to comfort her. Finally, after those three days, she did die. We all have our time.
Carol
When it became apparent that Mom was giving up, the nursing home staff strongly suggested that we get the hospice staff in to help. There are different hospice organizations. The one the NH used was awesome. They visited with the family and the nurses checked mom over very carefully. They asked what our wishes were. We wanted mom to be kept comfortable. They said they could do that but wanted us to be aware that sedation would probably shorten her remaining time because she wouldn't be eating or drinking as much. (She'd pretty much given up on that anyway). They said it was entirely OUR CHOICE. They said that sometimes sedation made it easier for the children to let go, as their loved one was much less agitated and restless. They said sometimes sedation made it more difficult on the family because of concerns that the person was being overmedicated. At no point did they ever "take a side", suggesting one over the other. They presented all the info, pros and cons, and left the final decision up to the family.
And yes, secretsister, they did a LOT more than the regular nursing home staff. Part of it was financial - they assumed all the costs of all special care. They provided mom with a really nice wheeling, padded, reclining chair, oxygen, meds, etc. Plus, their own providers would go in to help with Mom's bath, the nurses would make visits to check on her. Essentially it boiled down to a lot more personalized care, and extra eyes and hands keeping a watch and doing things for her. And it is NEVER selfish to get hospice for your loved one so you can also get the support. It is a very difficult time and why muddle your way through it alone? Not only that, but hospice organizations offer a year of grief support after your loved one passes, and it really was good to have their help over the holidays.
And yes, Bree, hospice accepts patients with dementia/alszheimers. Mom had hospice at home before she went into the nh and her working diagnosis was dementia. Talk to your doctor.
Fernando
As Txmaggie says, not all hospices are the same, either. So, when I support hospice, I am speaking from my own experience, which was similar to hers.
You did not say anything to offend me. But thanks for the condolences. My parents were ready to go, and finally died peacefully. You are the one now who is suffering, now. I'm sorry you are going through this. Know that our hearts are with you.
Carol
my mom was in a hellva pain that nobody could ever dream of . it was eating her alive . so by all means yes morphine killed her but she was nt hurting , and died in peace . bless her heart .....
Take them out and see if there is a big change. It could be depression along with drugs. They drug them to keep them that way. Also they may not be happy where they are. NH - If I was put in one that is how I would feel, I would want to die. No family around and that would make me depressed