I had to have my mom move in with me 6 years ago due to failing health and lack of money. She is mentally fine but physically frail and uses a walker 24/7. She has heart failure, low kidney function, colon cancer and many other on again, off again health issues. I take her to all her doctor appts, medical tests, etc. My adult son (who has Huntington's disease) takes her to her weekly hair appt and to get her nails done but I know his ability to do that will be coming to an end in a few years. I was widowed 5 years ago (from Huntington's disease) and am an only child so I have no one to help me. My son has mild cognitive impairment and I have to do all his paperwork for his medical and disability along with going with him to his doctor appointments. He had a heart attack in May so he's not healthy either.
My mom desperately needs companionship and I don't have anything left in me to do that for her. Yet, she refuses to even try to make friends and constantly pushes me to tag along when I do things with my friends. I have suggested hiring a helper who could take her out to lunch, come to the house to visit or make her lunch, take her to her beauty appts., etc. but she refuses. She believes she doesn't need this because she has me to do those things for her. I take her out to dinner once a week, just me and her. Yet she won't let it go and hounds me about bringing her with me when I go out. I have been firm about that boundary but then she is mean, says nasty things and refuses to help around the house doing what she still can.
I'm so burnt out I find myself hiding in my bedroom when I'm home to avoid having to "fix" something or listen to her. When I do have plans with my friends, I have to sneak out of my own house (that I own) to avoid her. She wants to know where I'm at constantly and gets mean when I don't tell her what I'm doing. Then she tells me it’s a common courtesy to let her know when I leave and when I arrive home along with giving her details of what I've been up to. I'm 64 years old, a retired teacher, and don't feel I should have to "check in" with anyone about what I'm doing, whom I'm doing it with, or where I'm going. Am I being overly sensitive because I've got caregiver burnout?
you have a heavy burden and definitely need help. Maybe you should hire someone to help you with your mom. Even a couple of days a week for 5 hours would be a great help for you. Blessings to you.
I think it's great that you're one of those rare seniors who understands that their adult children/grandchildren/people in general do not want to listen to incessant complaining and negativity about your pains and problems and conditions. Keeping family in the loop about what's going on is different than your problems being the only interaction and communication a person has with their family.
After a while even the most loving, compassionate, and empathetic person can't take anymore.
I have no relationship with my mother and we've been living together for some time (I'm leaving come the new year).
Our relationship my entire life since I was a little kid has been her negativity, narcissism, neediness, and bullying.
She never cared what she ruined. She's elderly now and needs care and it's gotten worse. I will not care for her anymore because I don't want to.
You're doing your family a favor by realizing what the complaining, stubbornness, and negativity does to them. I'm sure they love and respect you for being such a good and kind mom who doesn't lay this trip on her kids. I hope the know how lucky they are.
Also, I hope you have a great birthday coming up.
You, mother, son.
Sounds like caregiver burnout as the reason you are not seeing the whole picture accurately.
Should your son with Huntington's, heart attack, and mild cognitive impairment even be driving? Taking his grandma?
When living with others, it is a courtesy to let them know where you are going (out), and when you will be home. Try putting an arrival time posted on the bathroom mirror, especially if you are considered a caregiver for your son and mother. You are correct, your mother is being intrusive into your life and you need to have some private time. An assessment can help to determine if she needs more care than you can provide.
And, respite care for your Mom can be arranged, so you can avoid burnout.
I'm less than half your age and I'm in the same boat. I've had to help my mom for over a dozen years and she's been immobile since 2018. She's nearly 4 years removed from cancer treatments and she's still feeling the effects. She refuses to do PT for fear of Covid and won't get extra help for fear of both Covid and getting robbed blind. She doesn't know or realize this, but a family friend recently reached out to her niece, a physical therapist, and she said that unless she really works at it, she may never walk again. My mom will soon be 71.
She has pretty low expectations. She hasn't tried taking a step in who knows how long and regularly needs help getting her legs on and off the bed, but thinks that her sitting up straight and eating stuff in fewer amount of days than before is somehow proof she's improving.
Her laziness, stubbornness, and paranoia are doing her in. And she's become a threat to my sanity and livelihood. With all she's done with working me to death and destroying my life, she's lucky I still want to be her son and I don't want to disown her. She told me recently I'll get the biggest mansion in Heaven when I die. She doesn't understand that if she continues to work me to death, I'll be getting that place in Heaven a lot sooner than expected.
Bob you need to face facts your mother will not walk ever again. Not because she can't but because she won't.
You remind me of the son in the movie What's Eating Gilbert Grape. You should watch this movie.
You would be lucky if your mother got covid and passed because sadly that is the only way you will ever get your life back.
This weird and sick dance you are in with your mother is insane and your mother should be ashamed of herself for doing this to you.
Please take care of yourself. I am sure your son will agree with me.
Put her in a Medicaid nursing home if she cannot afford a better place.
As a teacher you managed student classroom behavior well, I am sure; all teachers are expected to do this and know the value in this. When it comes to the behaviors of a parent, somehow people do not think the same applies; well it does....
You may need to have her assessed at the next doctor's visit and, seek input from her physician about what level of care she actually needs ; ask the dr. for a referral to a case manager who can work with you and your mother to both assess the situation and provide some options for support; for both of you well being. Parents/ patients do not like change , but it is inevitable ; you can also tell her that it is for her safety also that you have someone else coming in to help and get to know her, in case you were ever ill ; you would know that someone knew how to take care of her.
Get help and do not feel guilty about this. Parents are pros at making adult children feel guilty. You do not have to provide her with every detail of your life .... go where you want, do what you want..... do not explain.....
You can also remind her that the now late Queen Elizabeth 's favorite saying was
" don't complain, don't explain".
If you are associated with any faith/church/synagogue etc. also please consider enlisting the support of the paster, rabbi, or other faith leader to provide the neutral presence to speak with you and your mother together and/or 1:1.
Also she may qualify for hospice care...... since you mentioned cancer and a host of other conditions. Hospice will be glad to come out, talk with you about their services and arrange for an evaluation/assessment of your mother for her appropriateness. Hospice can provide a host of support for both of you.
and, hospice is not about dying, it is about living with a quality of life in the midst of life limiting illnesses ( which it sounds like your mother has ).
Get help, try one or all of the above..... and do not feel guilty ! and do not back down from her......
You are exhausted as a caregiver and, you are being manipulated by the parent.
She won’t like it and it’ll be an uphill battle, but she needs to do one of the three things above. She will have more enjoyment with people her own age. You need to be running your own life. She shouldn’t be tagging along with you.
Perhaps have a social worker or her Dr explain to her it’s better for her own health to socialize with her peers, whether in a daycare or nursing home. Good luck.
"Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. If I know where my yard begins and ends, I am free to do with it what I like. Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options. However, if I do not “own” my life, my choices and options become very limited."
"If we feel responsible for other people's feelings, we can no longer make decisions based on what is right. Instead, we will make decisions based on how others feel about our choices. If we feel responsible for other people's displeasure, we are being controlled by others, not God. This is a basic boundary disturbance. When we take responsibility for other's feelings we are crossing over their boundaries. We should always be sensitive to other's feelings about our choices. But we should never take responsibility for how they feel."
~(What Do You Mean “Boundaries”? by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend)
You're a wonderful daughter whose boundaries are being violated by your mother who should be grateful that she has all of the loving care that you provide for her instead of trying to control you and invade your private life.
And I get it. I was raised with zero boundaries and didn't even know that I had a right to them until a friend witnessed the same dynamic between my mother and I and she suggested the boundaries book.
Please request an Adult Protective Services counselor evaluate her for Assisted Living and file for Medicaid if she qualifies immediately or will in the future. Perhaps your son is eligible for Assisted Living and Medicaid, too? Is he already receiving Social Security Disability (no need to answer that question here).
Better to be a visitor than a care taker if longevity is a goal of yours.
Please set an appointment with a Geriatric Psychiatrist who can evaluate and medicate if needed. Please make your health and happiness a priority. When your loved ones are placed safely, please consider a wellness retreat: just Google wellness retreat and see what comes up.
Everyone deserves to be happy, but not at the expense of others..........don't let your happiness pass you by.
My Mrs. was a pill, she never became overly friendly because that’s the way she was and she had Parkinson’s Lewy body dementia but she learn to deal with others in her home. You must do this for yourself for your sanity.
and when I say pill I say that lovingly as we all understand we love those people we are caring for even though they’re driving us crazy.
now, having someone come into your home, you wanna be there when they come. Because you want to see if it’s a good fit or not, so just make it a social event - a couple hours. Also, you want to buy nanny cams. Be clear about what areas in the house they’re allowed to be in and lock the doors otherwise. And no matter how much you like them or how nice they look, you must lock up everything valuable or considered precious to you. no exceptions.
good luck my heart goes out to you💕💐
He was diagnosed with PD two years ago. He can’t drive. And all what you said. Depends on me. I too, hide.
And it is sad when you have to pay someone to be a social outlet. I’m at wits end.
I know how you feel. my mom could get very “mean” too.
Listen to her carefully and start using her own language when talking to her. Ie: It’s common courtesy to let a grown woman come and go from her own house…
And remind her that she is a guest in your home that you PAY for and you expect her to be polite.
If you are paying for the respite caregiver then I suggest you not involve your mother in the decision to have one. It would be better to get your age with experience that mom can converse with. Invite caregiver to lunch with you and your mom but don’t tell mom she’s a caregiver (yet) she’ll think she’s going to lunch with you and a friend. Next time you need caregiver, when she gets there grab your purse and leave. Caregivers have a way with stubborn people and give them at least 3 hrs to get to know each. Text caregiver to see how it’s going.
Your mom is playing a guilt card. Play your Ace guilt card on her. You deserve a life and your mother has NO right to keep that from you. You have opened your home to her and in return she makes you unhappy.
Ask her why she likes seeing you unhappy. Play ALL your guilt cards, don’t be shy about it because she’s not. Bottom line you need to speak her language because she’ll understand it then.
Good luck and bless
Sabrina
Solid advice to poster &....anyone.
Hire someone to take the pressure off you and your son, it’s really not up to your mother.
We’re kind of conditioned to listen to our parents even when we’ve out grown those old times.
Good luck, and I hope you find some one wonderful your whole family enjoys having around :)
You cannot be her her social life as well as her primary caregiver. This has to stop. She needs to be told in no uncertain terms that either she accepts a paid companion coming for her AND whatever conditions you put on her or she will not be living in your home anymore.
When she starts up with the getting mean and belligerent with you because she's not getting her own way or isn't the center of everyone's attention tell her:
'Shut up. I don't care what you think. No one is going to jump because you want or demand something. I do not owe you or anyone else an explanation about where I go or who I see. If you cannot behave respectfully towards me in my home, where I allow you to live then you will be leaving and moving somewhere else'.
This is how you handle a senior brat and it sounds to me like you have one on your hands.
Then you make up a list of your rules and conditions. Have it lamentated and even put a little eyeglasses chain on it so she can wear it around her neck if needs be.
One of these rules is that when you go to bed for the night, the day is finished and she is not to disturb you unless the house is on fire or there's some other serious danger. You take that up immediately no matter what time it is. This is the only way she will ever learn to have an ounce of respect for you and I guarantee she will never wake you up again over nonsense.
No people can be successful in sharing a home if there is not mutual respect among all of the inhabitants of the home. It cannot be done. Your mother may love you very much, but she has no respect for you. Either you demand respect or you put her away. If she's low-income she will qualify for housing vouchers or even Medicaid.
Your life is hard enough having lost your man to Huntington's disease and your son having it too. I had a homecare client years ago who had Huntington's and it is a terrible disease. You certainly do not need the asinine and abusive nonsense of a senior brat on top of the tremendous burden you already carry.
I have a similar problem with my mother who pulls the "common courtesy" nonsense when I go somewhere. I tell her plainly that she has never shown me a moment of courtesy in my life and that it's none of her business where I go or when.
Put your foot down here.
Let me ask you a question. Would she have tolerated this nonsense bratty behavior from you when you lived in her house growing up?
My guess is no she would not have. Nor should you tolerate a moment of it from her.
Please show your mother this post. Tell her it was written by a woman with 25 years experience as an in-home caregiver to sick, elderly, and handicapped people and who has dealt with many senior brats over the years. Most of the senior brats I knew ended up being placed by the family they lived with because they just couldn't take the disrespect, negativity, orneriness, fight- instigating, intrusiveness, verbal abuse, and stubbornness anymore.
They got placed. Believe me no matter how high-end or expensive a managed care facility or AL is, no one is jumps to attention because some senior brat is being disrespectful and demanding. They ignore you. Your mother should be made aware of this.
Since running away hasn't worked, I think you are going to have to lay it out for her: no two people can be each other's "everything". Your son needs you, you have friends that you need to spend time with, and you alone aren't enough to fill her world either. Get ready because she will fight, cry, scream, etc. (but isn't she doing that already)?
What I would do is determine what the options are given her financial situation. Perhaps it's (1) paid caregiver/companion in the home, (2) adult day care during the week, (3) assisted living facility. Whatever is available and affordable in your area. Then give her a choice. Current situation of her demanding to follow you everywhere is not an option. If she won't choose you will, and it may not be what she wants. She will think you're mean and accuse you of everything in the book, but your only way out is to be firm. I think you can do it! She's afraid of life going on without her, so she needs to get a life of her own.