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Son lives in Spain and daughter travels extensively. Neither have been present when emergencies have occurred. Not deliberately. Therefore I have added someone additional as an emergency contact that my daughter does not agree with. Now she has refused to also be an emergency contact. I dont know what to do because this is ruining our relationship. Yet I must do what is in my best interest. My recent emergency resulted in a shameful hospital discharge. Sent home in a taxi, though my chart stated I needed an assistive device they gave me no walker, I was cognitively impaired, in the rain wearing the nightgown I was admitted and with only hospital socks. Had someone been present that would never have happened. It was horrible.

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Chloe,

I am terribly sorry that you experienced a hospital discharge that was horrible.

I commend you for taking charge of your situation. You have to do whatever you need to do.

I don’t know why your daughter disapproves of the people that you appointed as emergency contacts.

I can understand your daughter’s concerns if she has valid reasons for her disapproval. Has she shared her reasons with you?

I am sorry that there is friction between you and your daughter right now. That’s hard.

Wishing you all the best and hoping that you can mend things quickly with your daughter.
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Chloe123456789 Feb 18, 2024
The reason my daughter disapproves is because she and the person I have added as my ER contact is her former business partner. Former - they split on bad terms. However, the end result for my daughter was positive. The split was beneficial to her. I sincerely do not understand her level of anger towards this person (Ayana). I don’t know if you’ll read other answers I have posted here but these girls were friends/family for almost 30 years. Their lives paralleled each others and it is only because of my daughters’s relationship with Ayana that I grew close to Ayana
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Yes, you must do what is in your best interest. No one can argue with that. I hope your daughter comes around and is willing to resolve the issue with you. Perhaps she is fearful that someone else will take advantage of you in some way. Perhaps she has some guilt over not always being there for you. If you know what feelings she is experiencing perhaps you can reassure her. All the best.
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Chloe123456789 Feb 18, 2024
Thank you for encouraging words. I do hope the relationship between my daughter and I can be repaired. She needs to grow up. I have learned that age doesn’t determine maturity. She is 50 and my Son is 42.
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Your post is seriously confusung. If your daughter travels extensively, then she's not available as an emergency contact in the first place. Yet you said "siblings unavailble in case of emergency". So, now your daughter has "refused to be an emergency contact also" when she couldn't BE one to begin with. Meaning she has no say WHO you choose. She needs to grow up and stop acting like a toddler.

I will also say I've never heard of a hospital discharging a cognitively impaired person in a taxi wearing nightclothes in the rain before. File a complaint with the patient advocate in the hospital.
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MargaretMcKen Jan 30, 2024
Yes, it is seriously confusing. Your profile says that you are caring for your mother Alva who is 64 years old. Your daughter, her granddaughter, cannot be an adult and an emergency contact who travels. If this is for real, please get the details right. Otherwise, it’s just a fake to get people stirred up. We haven’t had one for a while, but they do crop up.
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You have no obligation to tell anyone who your emergency contacts are. You can have several, as far as I know.

Most people use their family who may or may not be MPOA or POA, but certainly if they're not around, you should have a list of people to call. In fact, it's probably a good idea.
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Chloe123456789 Feb 18, 2024
Exactly. I feel the same way. It is an unfortunate situation and has made it necessary to change my Healthcare POA as my Financial POA.
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Are you talking about your own siblings or your children? I don’t follow.
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Chloe123456789 Feb 18, 2024
I’m sorry. I have no siblings. These are my children. Son who lives in Spain. Daughter lives about 5 minutes away but travels frequently.
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Clearly you are not living safely alone.

Your daughter has told you that she cannot continue to be emergency contact.
You need to arrange a safe living situation for yourself, and will need to know that, as so many people without any children at all, you have to get placed in a situation in which you are safe.

Ask the daughter upon whom you are currently so dependent if she will help you explore Board and Care living, ALF or Nursing, and help you in assessing the assets you have available to help you in your are.

So sorry. You must be feeling very alone. Many hospital admissions come about simply because of feeling helpless and abandoned. My heart goes out to you. Talk calmly and honestly with your daughter.
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SprirtCare Jan 30, 2024
This is a shocking reply. No, it isn't clear that she isn't safe living alone. There is no evidence of that.
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This is confusing. Are u the 64 yr old mother? Is it your son who lives in Spain and daughter who travels? Now the daughter who travels is mad because you placed someone else as contact?

It is kind of hard to believeca Hospital released you in this condition. I can see calling a taxi for you but they should have wheelchaired you out to the taxi. Not too sure about sending u home in a nightgown and footsies but you never know.

You have every right to list who u want as an emergency contact. If this is the daughter who is the traveler, then she is being unrealistic.
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Chloe123456789 Feb 18, 2024
Joann, yes I’m the 64 year old mother. Yes my daughter refuses to continue as my ER contact.

The hospital wheeled me to the front door but did not give me an assistive device (walker) even though hospital notes specifically state I cannot navigate on my own. Notes state I told them I had a walker in storage however nobody recognized I was not making sounds decisions because of hitting my head, memory impairment, cognitive decline and inability to stay engaged/drifting in and out of consciousness. Hospital notes state all of the above. Yet they did not connect all of these issues with the fact that even though I had a walker in storage & living along - how did the expect I would be able walk to my storage unit without an assistive device.
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Thank you all for such compassionate comments. I will try to answer your questions here. Hopefully I will get all of them.

1. Ironically my daughter owns 3 group homes for people who have Alzheimer’s and dementia but also people have lived alone and are fall risks. She doesn’t feel I’m a ‘real candidate’

2. My daughter’s refusal to continue as my emergency contact is juvenile at best. She was previously partner with the person I have added to my emergency contacts. They had a very serious break and are no longer business partners. I have maintained a close relationship with her former partner. While she says she doesn’t expect everyone to turn their backs on her former partner, her actions speak otherwise. For example, when she found out I had been invited to have dinner with this person (even though my plan had been to come to her house afterwards) she uninvited me to her dinner and told me I wasn’t welcome. She apologized but only after her husband told her she was being an ass.

side note: she and this person (her name is Ayana) had been friends/family for almost 30 years. They lived together for a while. They are both from Trinidad. Share cultural values. (I am American. This is my adopted daughter). Their lives mirrors each other’s. Had their children together. Studied the same business separate, home health/care of the elderly, then partnered. We always had holiday dinners together. Thanksgiving. Christmas. Secret Santa’s. Easter. Etc

.
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Chloe, I would say, your daughter may have her reasons, what ever they are, we all need to except that. My sister up and disappeared on helping with my mom. I could dwell on it and be angry, but in the end it's her choice, nothing I can do. And no amount of being upset is going to change it. To be honest if my sister doesn't want to be there, then it's best if she isn't.
It may be best for all of you that you're daughter isn't there. What you have to do is take care of you and doing what is best for you. If this other person is better for you, so be it.
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Chloe123456789 Feb 18, 2024
Thank you for sharing your story and advice. I’m am sorry to hear your predicament. You are correct that one cannot be forced to participate and if they do agree it may be worse.

My daughter is a nurse and is most qualified to support me. But I need to respect her decision. I am angry hurt disappointed and shocked. Never thought we would be in this space. I have weekly therapy sessions to help me work through this in addition to, what my psychiatrist has deemed, abuse from my Son. Family dynamics can be hard and heartbreaking.
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That Happened to My Mom for several days I Kept calling to see if she needed to be Picked up from the Hospital . They released her on a Friday night at 6:00 pm. Of course she fell getting into a taxi and was admitted into a rehab for 80 days .
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Chloe123456789 Feb 18, 2024
I am so very sorry to hear this. That was negligence, pure and simple. The aid or the nurse had to responsibility for getting your mother to the taxi and in safely even though the discharge procedure had been violated. They still had a responsibility to make sure she was well seated in that taxi. Going to rehab is traumatic for the elderly. I truly hope she has had a successful recovery at this point.
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I think you have a real complaint with this hospital. I would call an Ombudsman. Your State senator.

I am so sorry that your children are treating you this way. You have every right to get help where you can. Your daughter is being immature. You do what you need to do to get the help u need.
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Chloe123456789 Feb 18, 2024
Thank you. I mentioned above in my addition to my initial statement that I have on my list, several different people and organizations to contact. I have not thought of my state senator. That is a great idea. And also my congressman who is a crackerjack. He was a good guy. Thank you for the suggestion.
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I am adding another comment. after writing this, I realize it is kind of long and for that I apologize. Perhaps you will understand a little bit why it is so long after I tell you the reason I am adding this to my statement. And I thank you in advance not only for reading it, but for all of your support and your care. it means more than I can say. I’m not sure if this is the correct way to add to my introductory statements.

someone questioned the authenticity of my post. It is unfortunate and thoughtless to hear people post false statements. This is a caring group and it is insentive and given the delicacy of everyone’s plight it is cruel to get people involved and ‘riled up’ over untrue stories.

Having said this I assure you I am not ‘faking’ my story. As appalling as my discharge conditions were, they are real. In fact, when I got to my neighbors apartment to pick up my dog they were stunned to see my condition. They said I couldn’t walk without them helping me get to my apartment. I have no recollection of getting out of the taxi, who called and who paid for the taxi. A couple of days after I got home I realized I had an email receipt showing I had paid for the taxi using a charge card.

I don’t know if I mentioned this before, and if I did, forgive me for repeating myself, but I am in the process of writing a letter to Hospital administration, the president sending copies to their lawyer, also sending copies to the civil rights commission here in the county, because I was discriminated against because of my age I feel as though they just threw me out on the street, since I did not have an advocate. and one of my doctors also suggested that I write to Medicare since they are the ones that are ultimately with the bill.

I live in a gated neighborhood and a secure building. Apparently either I showed the guard at the gate my ID and was able to use the key fob to enter my building, knew my neighbors were caring for my dog and take the elevator to the 4th floor to retrieve her.

I am embarrassed to think any of my neighbor saw me in this condition. No one will say so because they know how humiliating it would be if I knew.

This was a living nightmare. This happened on December 1st. I am still coming to grips with it. My memory and cognition is in and out. There is a part of me that thinks perhaps all of the doctors sincerely believed I was ‘all there mentally’. My daughter said she called and spoke with me when I was sitting in the wheelchair in the lobby waiting for the taxi. She said she offered to have my granddaughter pick me up and I insisted not to bother her. She thought I was mentally intact. Even given this thought, the hospital was still negligent discharging me as I was still in and out of consciousness and without an assistive device. Also, no one knew I was being discharged. They could have called one of my kids to get the name of a friend to contact.
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I do have to say I am appalled that the hospital sent you home like that. That is really disturbing.

I totally agree that you needed to figure out another emergency contact so that that what happened to you never ever happens again. Your decision on who you picked as another contact is your business, not your daughter's.

Sorry your daughter is behaving stupidly. I would consider it a warning not to expect much help from her as you grow older. Think about your future plans now.

Take care.
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You say your daughter is 50 and you are 64, I have seen these relationships before and they are always super challenging when the age difference is closer to peer then parent.

I would not want to be your contact either, you say it was a bad break and I think your daughter sees you siding with her enemy, anyways that is how I would feel if my loving mom didn't support me in what she herself knew was a terrible situation for me. Not that I would care if she had contact, just don't include me in any way shape or form.

I can't tell what exactly is wrong with you at 64 but, you are very young to be needing a care home and too articulate for me to think you are far enough gone in dementia to need your daughter to care for you in one of her facilities.

Do you make sure your daughter remembers she is your adopted daughter too? I get sick to my stomach when adoptive parents make it a point that people know this information, as though she's not really your daughter.

Sounds like it's time for both of you to grow up.
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Thanks for the added info. I really thought that Hospitals were not allowed to do this. I thought legislation was done a while back because of situations like yours.

Medicare? You said your age is 64, your not able to receive Medicare at 64 so are you collecting SS disability? I so hope your able to get this hospital penalized big time. If you have a trusted neighbor, I may ask if they could be put down as a contact. Not so much to pick u up, that makes the responsible for you, but so they can make sure when u get home, your looked in on. This was handled so badly and someone's head is going to roll.
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