Has anyone in this group experienced a sibling who took ALL the money belonging to their parents but the WILL said it should be shared?

There's no way around it. If you really want to do something about your brother's behavior as the executor of your mother's estate, you would be wise to speak with a probate attorney. Of course, you will want to first find out about the statute of limitations.

There appear to be a few things going on here. His POA is void now that your mother is dead. I'm guessing the Medicaid trust is a Medicaid Asset Protection Trust and that now your mother is dead the assets in the trust are to be distributed to named beneficiaries. You also mention accounts and I take that to mean Pay on Death accounts (bank checking accounts for instance) or Transfer on Death accounts. Your mother would have had to sign a document naming your brother, you, or someone else as beneficiary of a TOD or POD account. If she had any beneficiary accounts that did not name a beneficiary, the asset becomes part of her estate governed by her will. If you haven't seen your mother's last will and testament, you should be able to access it through the probate court in the city/country where she was living.

From your description, you believe your brother has breached his fiduciary duty as your mother's executor and possibly as the trustee of the trust. You can present your case to the court yourself but you'll probably be better off hiring an attorney. At the very least, the attorney can write him a letter to inform him of the laws he may have broken and what remedies you may have.

If you really want to avoid hiring an attorney, you can check to see if the probate court where the will was filed has a mediation program. You and your brother sit with a neutral third-party who gives the two of you a chance to work this out.

Executer of a will is legally obligated to distribute assets as specified in the will and cannot just "take" the assets. But it sounds as though Mom was on Medicaid so I can't imagine how there would be "a lot of money." Also, no matter what the will says Medicaid is entitled to be repaid after a recipient passes away if there are assets remaining such as a house, which would have been an exempt asset during the recipient's lifetime. You mention a "Medicaid Trust." Is this a Medicaid Asset Protection Trust? This is a type of trust that can be set up at least 5 years before a person expects to go on Medicaid. These trusts have a trustee and named beneficiaries and are exempt from the Medicaid estate recovery program. If you were named as a beneficiary of the trust, brother can't just take the assets of that either. Have you seen the will and the terms of the trust? Anyone named in a will must be allowed to see the will and be notified when it is probated. Brother may be entitled to be paid out of the assets of the trust and the will for his role serving as executor and trustee but he is legally responsible for carrying out the terms of both. It does sound as though he did a lot (most?) of the heavy lifting for your parents in their elder years becasue of his proximity, so it's perhaps understandable he may feel entitled to a larger share--but that doesn't translate to it being legally allowed.

Your brother has to distribute the money as the Will states and the Trust states. If a large amount of money, he has to probate it. You are to get a copy of the Will. You are to get an accounting too that you sign off on. If you contest it, it stops probate. I wouls first call Probate and see if they have any power to freeze accts. If not, you will need a lawyer. Verbal means nothing especially when a Will is involved. If no Will the State steps in and determines who gets the estate. Brother should have been paid as POA and Caregiver when he had the authority but it had to be written in the POA. A Caregiving contract needed to be drawn up and signed by him and Mom. If Mom wanted him to have her estate, she should have had a new Will drawn up.

thanks so much for your speedy reply. Because of the trust, the will does not have to be probated. That was also one of the reasons it was done. There may be one or two TOD accounts with my brother's name on it and I understand that belongs to him. My dad gave me a list of his assets (which are considerable) in 2014 about the time the will was drawn up. There were 2 accounts with my daughters names on the IN TRUST FOR them. They are adults. When my brother was P.O.A I anticipate that he took those too. There were bonds, etc.


My brother, who is a psychologist and I should be able to try to work out our differences ourselves, however I do not know if he is willing to do so. I plan to at least speak with him to tell him how I feel about his actions so I can get it off my chest, (I do like the idea of a mediator but i hope we can work it out ourselves.).My mom only passed a few months ago and this has been an emotional journey for me.

Perhaps I can request in court that the will be probated but I don't want there to be any issues with the selling of the apt so I may even wait until that is done a number of months from now.

When he matter of factly told me he took the money 5 years my husband and I met with an attorney and said he could write a letter to my brother then . I chose not to do so because my parents ere alive, my parents would have been upset plus they could have changed the will . Interesting that my parents always talked about how important family is and this is what he does to me .

At that time my brother said, "so sue me". Once I bring up the money issue at this point I am sure that he will be floored. He probably anticipates that I was just going to let it go. My husband and I are on social security and have small pensions. My brother and his wife have plenty of money. Although we don't have a lot of money my husband says to just not give him any money for minor repairs on the apt. etc and just move on. He sees how this ordeal is affetig me. I can't let it go because what he did is wrong. I don't mind even letting him have a larger share since he was able to do more since he was physically closer to my parents, but e doid nt leave one cent to me. And before all this, we had a decent relationship.

Ty for letting me vent. Any other thoughts would be appreciated I talk to my husband about this everyday. At least he will get a break by visiting our new twin grandbabies in Florida. He hasn't seen them yet.

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My cousin got into it with her brother. He was slowly bleeding the estate dry by doing property improvements that were never completed. After 3 years, my cousin got tired of waiting and forced her brother to give her something now, and gave up any future rights to the inheritance.

5 years later, she sold the one building (worth at the time, less than 20% of the total wealth) for over 8 times the valuation.

Brother, in the meantime, had sold all the other property to pay the balloon payments and whatever expenses he had (he claimed his job was managing his mother's estate.)

Sister is still pissed. However, he is the one who is still living month-to-month.

Don't sue, the lawyers will benefit the most. However, do force your brother to distribute something to you.

Don't think about what you could have had. Just be happy with what you do have or were able to get.

A family friend experienced a similar thing several years ago. When her mother died, her brother found a way to get all the inheritance and she somewhat struggles to get by. Her brother has no kids or heirs.

Her kids are screw ups, her husband died of a heart attack in 2018, and she has been raising her one and only grandchild for most of the grandchild's life. She, mainly by choice, has gone from one job to another in recent years.

I am so sorry to hear that. Siblings can really be bastards! My brother feels entitled I am sure because he did a lot for my parents. I have acknowledged that many times plus he constantly reminded me but he also lives 10 minutes away from them and when I asked to help in different ways he declined. Often he would tell me what he did such as changing aides even if I thought my mom liked one.
He was closer to my dad and if my dad had an issue with one, he cared more about what my dad thought. (One didn't know how to make a certain kind of egg).
Big deal!

I hope that my brother is open to discussion and if I need to sue him I hope that it is not too late. We will see.
I really do not want to spend thousands of dollars dealing with attorneys nor can I afford it.

I'm sorry, I know this is going to sound really harsh - but your parents had assets to pay for their care, and they chose to put those assets into a Medicaid trust, to 'protect the inheritence". So the taxpayers (that's me, because I also live in NY) pay for the care for your parents, who had the means to do so, and you are going to come and ask how you can legally get your half of that money that they saved by using Medicaid to pay for their care?

I know a Medicaid trust is legal; and I know this is an issue of "don't hate the player, hate the game"...but when you put property into an irrevocable trust and name someone as the trustee, the trustee can also legally empty that trust out with no questions asked. That's the risk you take in order to reap the rewards of legally gaming the system.

Sorry, but I can't feel too sorry for you.

It never ceases to amaze me how people only think about money when a loved one has gone besides that a lawyer is the only one that can sort this

It sounds like this is something you should have been prepared for since you say brother took money before Mom died. He should have been challenged legally at that time. Now, you not only need to go the legal route, you will need to hire a forensic bookkeeper or accountant to trace everything he allegedly took before you make any legal assertions. There may have been money in 2014 or 2016, but if Mom had full time caregivers that money could all be gone legitimately. Before you start any proceedings get all of the documents you might need and spend the time going through them to be sure this is worth it.

As for being paid to take care of Mom, he wasn't doing much if he was managing her finances. That would have taken an hour or so each month to pay bills, if that long. Spending time on the phone with Mom to talk about it doesn't count. Yearly meetings with an accountant and/or lawyer take a few hours if that. As you were already told, this is unpaid unless specified otherwise.

Could brother be deliberately implying that he took money when it was a pittance, because he is annoyed with you? Did he think you should have done more to take care of your parents? Gender biases still run strong in many families, mine included.

I had this happen. Get a lawyer right away!! I cannot state that enough. I was told it by my sibling the will was none of my business. It is my business. I was not given answers. Ignored. Just smiled at with a cheshire grin, as they walked away. As they stole items, sold off others. And abandoned other items they said to a court they took care of.
You have a right to know, and to get answers.
I got a lawyer and found out all sorts of things. You have a right to know what is going on. You have a right to answered questions, and to see a list of assets. I was never told anything. My sibling lied to me, to another lawyer, tried to leave me with a huge bill and a nursing home lawyer coming after me. I got that stopped. There is much more. You want to know more contact me.
I cannot state this enough. Get a lawyer right away. I felt guilty as heck, but had to do it. And am glad I did it. There was a lot going on that I didn't know about. And sibling walked off with prob >150k.

I still feel guilty, but then think of everything I didnt know about and wouldnt if I hadnt done it. The lawyers of the firm even said my sibling was a piece of work.
Do not hesitate! And do not feel guilty. They will make him give an accounting to what happened. He cannot decide for himself he gets everything. He gets to pay himself everything, and you get nothing. He has a fiduciary duty to carry out the will as stated.
Stop feeling guilty and do it. There is so much that happened to me, I don't want to go into it here. But I am glad I did it. I had no idea how much my sibling hated me until I found out what was going on.
Get a lawyer!!!!!! Do it now! Do not hesitate. Do not feel bad about it. If you think there is something there, there is!! I had no idea the depths my sibling went to to screw me over. Do it now!!!!

Oh the greed and entitlement.

My brother did this to me when an Aunt passed away. Her will stated clearly 50/50. (We were her only heirs.) My brother had POA and kept spending out of her account after she passed away which was illegal. He played super fast and loose with the probate process and was successful. He felt the very same way as your brother - that he deserved all of the inheritance. He had loose lips and some things he said got back to me.

Nevertheless, I did not sue him in the end because it would have caused such a situation with my mother - he was her darling - and in the end there wasn't that much left that he hadn't spent.

I'm certainly not saying that you should not sue your brother. It's a tough pill to swallow either way. Follow your heart and do what's best for you.

Yes. I have even experienced relatives who were not in the will taking lots of things. People are greedy.

I could not give advice unless I knew what the care involved and for how long. I have a greedy sister who does not help in any way with mom, she can't even be nice, but is certainly concerned about getting stuff when mom goes. Was your brother there everyday for years, or was it just an occasional grocery store run?

Being executor of a will, Trustee of a Trust is a Fiduciary duty. Bro can end up in Prison for not doing as the will states. He isn't "put on" any accounts. He will have in fact to gather the estate together and that will go into an account on which he is EXECUTOR and MUST distribute according to the dictates of the Trust and Will.
Are you a beneficiary under the will? Under the Trust? Your Brother as executor has to notify all beneficiaries within a time frame dictated under the laws of your state.
It is time for you now to have your own Trust and Estate attorney. Wills are public documents. You can access any will. Trusts are NOT public documents, but your Attorney can guide you in the next steps if you are a beneficiary.
I don't know if time has run out, as well. Your attorney will let you know that.
Wishing you the best of luck.

Obviously you have to talk to a lawyer. Probate varies in every state. Unless you’re talking way in excess of $2 million, you’re going to end up fighting over a pittance. I suggest mediation if at all possible. I don’t think your brother is “greedy” for expecting to get the lion’s share if he was the one caring for your mother. Showing up for inheritance and not being there for years is the definition of greed.

You should, at the very least, call the attorney handling the probate to let him know the will is not moving forward as mom wrote it. He can tell you if you let too much time pass or what needs to happen next. A lawsuit may not be necessary if the probate judge can be made aware that brother is not performing the duties of admin of the will process. Where you live is not an issue - the whole process takes place where mom lived and uses her will as explicit instruction as to what she documented about distribution of her 'leftovers'.

You have to decide: Let your brother ignore what was written in will and take everything for himself or do something about it. If you choose to avoid doing something about it, then you have to also make sure to let go of anger toward brother - and carry on a relationship with him as though none of this happened.

If brother was the primary caregiver, you have the option of splitting your share with him to recognize all that he did for parents. You may tell the atty that you are willing to take less than what your share would be in order to thank brother.

Swan, Basing your hopes of $ now in 2022 on what $ there in 2014 imo does not work & only keeps you in unhappinesses. I think you’ll find that the folks actually spent down their $ to private pay for care, and/or do co-pays and to deal with their normal costs of living expenses and whatever costs their co-op board mandated. TOD or POD went upon death to whomever was named as beneficiary on those accounts….. if folks had it be your bro in 2014, 2017 or a week before they died, and did not name you, it is what it is.

Regarding their home, so it is a co-op in the Bronx?
If YES, the structure of what co-op’s are in NYS matters big time.

Your brother imo wasn’t being nefarious in what happened w/creating a NY Medicaid Asset Protection Trust involving parents co-op.
If I’m not mistaken, here’s why….. co-ops are beyond unique in how they are NOT an asset considered “real property” for NY Medicaid. So as a co-op is not considered real property, it’s not countable asset. You cannot & do not actually truly own a co-op outright a home or a condo. You have shares and a proprietary lease. Legal structure for coops are a BLANKET MORTGAGE, so single mortgage over entire structure AND coops require involvement and approval of co-op board for a unit to be “sold” which really is a transfer of the proprietary lease. And co-op boards have shown they DNGAF or a rats butt about Medicaid as there is no true asset there for Medicaid.

Co-ops do not get sold per se, like what we traditionally think of the process for selling a home. So again if I’m not mistaken, its because of this uniqueness of the legal structure for co-ops that it’s kinda routine for elders living in a co-op to have their share put into a NYS Medicaid Asset Protection Trust and Income Trust. There’s a bunch of NYC atty who do MAPTs exclusively. The co-op boards encourage folks to get the Medicaid Trust done. Its an irrevocable Trust that enshrines the co-op structure as above pesky interlopers like Medicaid or other debtors and places elders income sources into a Trust. Income Only Trust. There is no look back for community based Medicaid so your parents doing the Trust was a totally legit move to be ok for community Medicaid.

NYS Medicaid Trust / MAPT are not the “keep guv mint from Maws $” type of dubious asset transfers that seem to flourish in other states.
NYS imo ones happen to get beyond the problem having elders truly “at need” for Medicaid services not being able to get Medicaid due to the legal structure of co-ops. NYC has huge #s of elders in coops in all the boroughs. Co-Op City development in the Bronx has 44K residents alone. That the MAPTs endup allowing the unit to be “sold” with $ going to whomever named as beneficiary as per the MAPT and also allows no real worries on capital gains, is a side benefit.

If you decide to get an atty to deal with all this, please ask their level of experience in dealing with MAPTs and co-ops. On your being upset on things needed to be done to parents old unit, the Board may have a very specific list of requirement that must be done before a lease transfer can happen. If the “owners” heirs or family doesn’t do things on the list, the Board can hire someone to paint, clean, remove furnishings. Doing things to piss off the Board not in your or your brothers best interest. Remember the Board has the ultimate decision making ability on the co-op getting “sold” & paperwork gettting done.

If it is actually bank accounts with Transfer upon death or that he was already on, such as a joint account.
You cannot sue. those accounts are set up to go to a specific party only and is not covered in a will.
If the will said the account would be split and it was transfer on death or it was a joint account he was already on, whatever is said in the will has NO relevance.

I'm having some difficulty following all this, but it sounds like your parents were paying for help in their home from 2016 until now.

Even with "substatial" assets, I would not expect there to be anything left of their money.

Is the coop being sold?

Have you engaged a lawyer to look at the will and trust documents?

My sister took care of our parents for years. I live in another state. Do you think "I" deserve ANY of that money? NO! She earned it. She gave up all of her future personal benefits, i.e. earnings into social security to care-take our parents. Thank you sister, you're worth your weight in gold.

Elder Law Attorney - Please discuss Elder Abuse/Fraud. If there is a home or other assets, perhaps things can be reversed or a Cease and Desist Order. You don't mention if one or both of your parents are alive. Did you take any responsibility for their care?

Also, NY info: https://aging.ny.gov/laws-and-regulations

You cannot reason with someone who will look You in the eye and lie to you. He is smiling in your face as he steals your inheritance.
Why has he gotten his hands on money set aside for the grand kids. That shouldn't happen. And his name shouldn't be on that.

Yes, my mother did this to her brothers.

Consult with an attorney (I'm in NY, too). In fact, consult with several attorneys, because they will most likely give you *free* consults, and every attorney has his or her own way of looking at a situation and planning how to resolve it (I worked in corporate litigation for years).

It is as irrational not to sue your brother as it is for your brother to rob you--obviously, he has a mental deficit believing that he is entitled to something that is not his: that's called theft, or larceny according to law. If you fail to confront someone who has victimized you, you are additionally victimizing yourself.

If the terms of the will are clear, then the suit will be straightforward, providing you are filing suit within the statute of limitations.

CONSULT AN ATTORNEY you feel is smart and TRUSTWORTHY!

Best of luck to you! What life dishes out to us isn't always pleasant. Lots of times I complain and shake my fists; but, ultimately, I do my best to handle the odd situations I inevitably face. I'm with ya! :-)

Since you said that you prefer not to sue him, it seems to me you have tied your own hands. He doesn't care about you does he. I recommend getting a probate attorney and talking to him. You can go in for one consultation if you want and see what your options are.

If your parents were on Medicaid, there is NOT a LOT of money. Funds had to be spent down on your PARENTS to qualify. Sounds like your brother did all the heavy lifting and now you want a cut. God bless you. I hope this doesn’t ruin your relationship with brother. Why not “ talk” to him before you think lawsuit?

A threatening lawyer’s letter can work wonders, without the matter proceeding to litigation. It should provide details of:
1) Unwillingness to provide a full account of financial dealings as POA or executor.
2) Manipulation regarding refusals of assistance, leading to sole control of affairs.
3) Unlawful dealings with the estate.
4) Fraud regarding ‘mother told me’ without evidence.
5) Informing his psychologist professional / licensing body about planned fraud proceedings.

This might be followed by mediation – it would certainly give a mediator a good start on understanding the issues. However check first – some mediation systems have rules about ‘no legal involvement’.

Think about it. Do something, or forget about it permanently. Don’t just have lifetime resentment.

Swansmom12: Perhaps you should retain an elder law attorney.

Get a lawyer.

I know that many of the responses to your post have been that you should sue your brother. It is not your fault that you live far away and did not have the opportunity to do your share of the caregiving. But it is not your brothers fault that he was close by and had to take care of it all. He should be compensated for doing all of the work and taking on all of the stress.

If we were talking about a huge amount of money (millions) and your brother hired out the caregiving, the tax filing, the managing of everything to someone else, this would be a different conversation. But if she had a Millers trust (Medicaid), then there is hardly any money and you probably owe him money for all of the time spent in dealing with all of this. Trust me, until you have dealt with it, you don't have a clue.

My suggestion is to send him a heart felt thank you note for taking on the nerve racking, life sucking, never ending job of caregiving and let it go.