My sibling is threatening to leave my dementia mom on my door step and trying to figure how if there is any legal action I can take to stop that from happening and what I should do in the event it does happen? Thanks for any help/advice as this is a pretty terrifying scenario for my immediate family.
If no other family member is willing or able to take mom into their home and become her caregiver, she will have to get placement in a care facility. No one needs to do an ER dump just yet. That act is the last resort for a caregiver. It doesn't always have to come to that.
Arranging different care for mom or finding a care facility to accept her, will take some time. Plans have to be made, legal paperwork has to be done.
In the meantime dementia mom will still need a place to stay and someone to look after her 24 hours a day. If the family wants your caregiver sibling to continue doing this until the other care arrangements for mom come though, meet her demands (I say her because in a situation like yours the caregiver is almost always a her).
If your sibling demands money to keep mom at her house, then you pay it. Whatever amount she says within reason. Even if the whole family has to reach into their own pockets. Pay it.
If your sibling demands daily assistance with mom's care to allow her to continue staying in her house while other arrangements are made, then you and the rest of the family have to work that out and make sure it happens immediately.
Meet the caregiver sibling's demands or your dementia mom will be dropped off on your doorstep or in an ER.
Have a family meeting with your sibling.
Make other living/care arrangements for your mother together as a family.
Meet your siblings demands if she's willing to keep mom until the new living/care arrangements are put into place.
Good luck to you and your family.
Cwillie is right about the threat coming from a burnt out caregiver.
If the threat is accompanied with a demand for money to help, you need to STOP and rethink this slowly.
If your Mom was placed in a skilled nursing facility from the emergency room, and if that was near you....would you be able to give any type of caregiving assistance to your Mom? Visiting, handle her income, do errands, deal with the doctors?
Note: He who has the resources of her income (social security?) and the ear of her doctor might be the most likely to become the caregiver. You may need to proceed on your Mom's behalf without any involvement by your sister?
Do not send money, imo.
Sounds like each sister has been long-distance from Mom. Unless a person is willing, resourceful, and able, (as well as many other qualifications), caregiving should not be your role. Is there estrangement between you and your Mom? Keeping in mind there will be a whole lot you don't know if she is living any where in another state.
Keep in mind that she can be admitted to a facility "pending Medicaid".
There is so much we do not know here, but willing to listen.....
Don't send money?
If the sibling who has mom not only living in her house, but also is her 24/7 caregiver demands money, pay it.
When the threat to drop the elder off on your doorstep or an ER is made, take that seriously. It means the current caregiver has reached their limit and they will do it. It also means that the senior is living in a situation that could become if it's not already, high risk for elder abuse.
If they have demands, then meet them until other living/care arrangements have been made for the elder.
communication is key. Have a meeting and call social services to find alternatives to care
If this is the case I would now get together with the sibling and discuss placing mom in care. It sounds as though the sibling has just reaching her human limitation. Do tell her that she can send Mom to the ER, and refuse to take her back into her home; this will involve social workers in assisting with placement.
Is this sibling, I am assuming is taking care of Mom, also the POA? She would be acting negligently if so to put her Mom on anyone's doorstep if she is not competent in her own care.
I think what I am hearing here is desperation and a caregiver who is unable to go on any longer. Is this correct?
Pls keep in mind that the op is not just ‘anyone’— shes her sibling so she’s equally one of the adult children and should be doing her part to help. Bringing the mom to her daughters is definitely not the same as leaving her with ‘anyone’
Maddogs: "Jump to a year later and we are out of money."
There have been a few siblings in the past on the forum, that took a parent from care (Basically kidnapped them), and spent all of the parents money (not only for the parent's care=elder abuse and fraud). Is there a dispute between you and your sister now?
In the year dementia Mom was gone, were you in touch, contributing financially to your sister for Mom's care?
If "WE" includes you, did you receive any of Mom's assets or funds if they were dispersed by your sister? (Medicaid gifting issues).
The threats are verbal, or by e-mail? If you are free and clear of being complicit of fraud and elder abuse, then you could see an attorney, and threaten back:
1) Abandonment of an elder is elder abuse.
2) Depleting financial assets of an elder is also elder abuse.
3) Not caring for an elder in your custody is neglect/elder abuse.
4) You will call APS on your Mom's behalf and report your sister.
Otherwise, inform your elder care specialist attorney that your goal is to get Mom care, and work with your sister on that goal.
Hope this helps you, and that you do not take it wrong because it was blunt.
Not accusing you of any wrong doing.
What did you do when Mom was basically 'kidnapped'?
Maybe the expensive AL has Memory Care and accepts Medicaid? Start there.
Your answer to this can guide advice given here. There are many on this forum with some great knowledge in that area.
Jump to a year later and we are out of money. My mom is probably going to be discharged and my sister is planning to drop her off at my doorstep. My mom is 92, legally blind, has dementia and basically needs 7x24 care. Right now long term memory case is what she needs. I live in WI and I also do not have the money nor means to care for her in home.
Just trying to figure out my options and what I can do ? Thanks again for the quick responses.
What level of care does she need?
What are her health challenges aside from dementia?
If you all arectryingvto get her into a care facility, abandoning her at an ER is more effective than a siblings doorstep.
However, the sibling with the doorstep could call 911 and have parent taken to ER.