My sibling is threatening to leave my dementia mom on my door step and trying to figure how if there is any legal action I can take to stop that from happening and what I should do in the event it does happen? Thanks for any help/advice as this is a pretty terrifying scenario for my immediate family.
May have moved. Now there's another solution.
I was just checking back in with you to see how you are doing! I just wanted you to know that someone out there is praying for you and cares about your family situation! The thought of your poor mama being dropped at your doorstep must worry the heck out of you, especially with her being blind! Have you notified APS yet? Please consider doing that if you haven't already done so! You are in my thoughts and prayers!
Adult Protection / Social Services?
Attorney?
If for some reason you can’t then place her in a nursing home. I unfortunately had to do that with my mom. I had to work and I had 3 kids to take care of. I was scared when my mom was home that she would wonder off.
I got backlash but nobody lives in your shoes but you
This happens yet now in this age. If no one can care for your loved one, best to place them and keep checking on them. Caregiving is tough work and I know this from my own experience.
I now am the full time caregiver of my Mom who is mid stage Alzheimers. I get no help from my siblings. If it came to the point I could not care for my Mom, I would also place her for her sake and mine.
Do the best, talk to your sibling get a plan for you Mom's care and continued to living arrangement. There are services for elder care in the home too.
Talk first, formulate a plan and put it to action to benefit all , especially your Mom.
Cecilia
Caregiving, making all the decisions, managing a person’s entire life is EXHAUSTING and STRESSFUL.
What is the other side of this story?
The police need to go to the sister's home and investigate what she is doing / her intentions.
I would like to know why your sister feels so overwhelmed and "stuck" in this situation that she is threatening to leave your mother with you? Do you take turns with caring for your mom so your sister can get a break? One thing you can do is contact Aging and Disability Services and get a caregiver to come in and give your sister and everyone else who is caring for her a break! Plus, caregivers have a lot of experience with this stuff and she/he could have valuable skills to show your sister to help!
You can also have ADS give your mom a SLUM test or a MOCA test to see the level of mental decline and maybe your mom would be better off in a care facility if that's an option your family would entertain!
I know that it's a tough situation, but you came to a great site/message board and I am sure someone here has better advice than I do! God bless you!
Unfortunately every family cannot work together and unsure why pre-arrangements are not made by parents instead of expecting their children to work this out. I feel most parents need to work out their own plans, and just stop trying to make their children take care of them. This is a burden for most adult children, but know this will take the funds away so you cannot have it both ways.
1. Talk to the sibling, if possible. They are threatening you which has put you on edge, no kidding.
2. If sibling won't talk reasonably, move on to one of these options:
Gerontologist
The former Assisted Living Residence
Your mother's doctor(s)
...because you need more information
3. Reach out to any and all resources in YOUR city and see what you can figure out.
4. Go to your church or synagogue or other religious establishment, if you are associated with one, and see if there's someone who can counsel you on elder care.
5. Get legal advice-- not to deal with your sibling, but to deal with your mom. Power of Attorney. DNR. Health Insurance. Medicaid. Bank Accounts. If mom is coming, you have to know all the who what and where. Refer back to #1-- write it all down.
6. Make lists. Take care of yourself. Try to make a plan for all eventualities. Get help from friends or other family who have been through a similar situation.
Without any additional info, I would contact your local elder or
aging agency and inquire and inform these people to protect you from any
continuing threat of basically abandoning your parent. You could attempt to get
a restraining order if the court feels that it is warranted. Good luck.
If you have a sibling that is this desperate, you really should be trying to figure out how to help the sibling instead of how to protect yourself. It's not terrifying for your immediate family - it's terrifying for your mom and the sibling. To even consider legal action against the sib, who apparently has her now, is a little selfish - IMO. Why not try to help resolve the siblings 'can't handle this alone anymore' issue. Would be a far kinder action on your part.
First off, if sib brings her to your house, what would be illegal about that. Assuming you are not a convicted abuser of people, she would be leaving her in a safe place...with family....correct? A responsible act.
Why not offer sib some relief? Go to mom and offer to stay a while or work out a REASONABLE schedule with sibling for you to take mom and give sib a break. Or sit down with sib and discuss a facility setting that is affordable to mom. If no money, it might be time to apply for Medicaid NH bed.
Reread your post so you understand how this sounds to those of us who get little to no help from siblings and I think you'll understand why this response might sound a little harsh. While I try 24/7 to avoid anger or bad thoughts about my own situation, if one of my siblings thought about legal action against me versus helping me I'm quite sure that would be the straw that breaks the camels back...way over the line on their part. My intent is to maintain the close relationship we've always had, but I'm afraid this would be much too much for me. - On the other hand, I don't know if your sibling relationship is as important to you.
Has your sibling been mom's Caregiver and has burn out and needs a break or what?
Who is the Legal Guardian fir your mom.
There is nothing illegal about taking your mom to her kids house.
If neither one if ya'll want to take care of mom, then ya'll need to talk to each other and find a Senior Home for her to be admitted to.
Please don't stress your mom out.
Why?
nvm obviously I'm missing something here.
"Yeah there is a long back story. I will try to summarize. My mom was in a assisted living place in Missouri and was complaining about it so my sister about a year ago drove up and took her out of that place and put her in a very expensive assisted living facility in Atlanta. Nobody knew this was going to occur.
Jump to a year later and we are out of money. My mom is probably going to be discharged and my sister is planning to drop her off at my doorstep. My mom is 92, legally blind, has dementia and basically needs 7x24 care. Right now long term memory case is what she needs. I live in WI and I also do not have the money nor means to care for her in home. "
I still have some questions. Does anyone have DPOA? Who signed the contract for the MO and Atlanta facilities? If sister signed her in to the last facility I'm sure they must have given her a "heads up" about funding so I would thing sister had to know this was coming and most AL and MC have very limited Medicaid beds (I'm generously guessing that there were none available in Mom's Atlanta AL when her funds ran out). Not sure from your post how involved you are with communication to your Mom but it sounds like communication with your sister is problematic and possibly has been for some time, although, if you know she is threatening to deposit Mom on your doorstep, there must have been some recent communication. It would also appear that your sister is unable or unwilling to complete a Medicaid application for your Mom. If none of you have funds for Mom's living options someone is going to have to do the Medicaid application because that is the only gov't program that pays for long term care. If your sister has been involved with Mom's care at the AL it would be best for her to make the application because theoretically, she has access to the needed documents (5 years worth of bank statements, birth, death and marriage certificates, etc) but she may just throw up her hands. Medicaid has to be applied for in the state in which the recipient resides. I would suggest you contact your local Office on Aging and explain the situation to them. They may be able to direct you to an eldercare attorney who can further explain the legalities of the situation. If Mom is dropped on your doorstep and sister speeds off you can call your local Adult Protective Service agency and ask for their assistance. Be aware that these agencies are always understaffed (even more so with the pandemic) and for an immediate response the subject (older person) must be in "severe and immediate danger".
If neither you or your sister has DPOA, the state of residence will need to appoint a guardian to oversee your Mother's welfare.
Good luck on this journey.
Mom was going to run out of money anyway regardless of where she was in a facility. Might have lasted a tad longer in one state/city versus another but clearly mom didn't have a bottomless pit for money. Bank accounts will reflect if sib was using mom's money for other things besides her care - however that would be an expensive, long battle.
If mom gets dropped off, so be it. Take her in, get her established with a dr, and then (if necessary) take her to ER if there are any 'events'. From ER she can be sent to NH, Medicaid process started while she's on free Medicare days, and you get her placed. Maybe a few bumps in that road, but possible.