My sibling is threatening to leave my dementia mom on my door step and trying to figure how if there is any legal action I can take to stop that from happening and what I should do in the event it does happen? Thanks for any help/advice as this is a pretty terrifying scenario for my immediate family.
You may be entering the twilight zone.
"Are you all living in the same area?"
Missouri to Atlanta to WI.
3 states apart!
Becoming guardian is not a lightweight matter; it has to go through the courts.
OP, MADDOGS.
Maddogs states: [Yeah there is a long back story. I will try to summarize. My mom was in a assisted living place in Missouri and was complaining about it so my sister about a year ago drove up and took her out of that place and put her in a very expensive assisted living facility in Atlanta. Nobody knew this was going to occur.]
["Jump to a year later and we are out of money. My mom is probably going to be discharged and my sister is planning to drop her off at my doorstep. My mom is 92, legally blind, has dementia and basically needs 7x24 care. Right now long term memory case is what she needs. I live in WI and I also do not have the money nor means to care for her in home.]
APS, and 911 are in it together to assist elders who require more care than can be provided at home for a vulnerable adult. If you call APS, the sheriff/police are required to also investigate. The goal is to get Mom immediate care so there is no neglect.
People need to read the updates by the OP:
THE OP name is MADDOGS has said:
["Yeah there is a long back story. I will try to summarize. My mom was in a assisted living place in Missouri and was complaining about it so my sister about a year ago drove up and took her out of that place and put her in a very expensive assisted living facility in Atlanta. Nobody knew this was going to occur.]
MADDDOGS continues to state: [ "Jump to a year later and we are out of money. My mom is probably going to be discharged and my sister is planning to drop her off at my doorstep. My mom is 92, legally blind, has dementia and basically needs 7x24 care. Right now long term memory case is what she needs. I live in WI and I also do not have the money nor means to care for her in home. " ]
I have an elderly mother with the help of my GF soon to be wife that helps me with my mother. I have a younger brother who does not lift a finger to help at all and will not. Are you that person?
If you are either say you don't give a flip of your mother or step up.. one or the other.
I think talk. Now. With honestly. Aim: To diffuse this bomb.
Kindly joke your home is not a refuge for 'Granny Dumps'.
If you need to spell it out simple: Do not dump Mom here. It won't solve things.
Ask your sister what she REALLY needs?
You may choose to help her, to help find the next path for your Mom, or maybe you choose not to. (Based on the past, family history whatever). If so, make your boundaries clear.
I suppose you can't stop your Sister driving to your home.. but you do not need to answer your door?
Is she a caring type but naive & now maybe feeling desparate? Or a first rate drama lover, wants a showdown with you?
What's the actual likelihood of her driving off leaving an elderly lady out front alone??
If the chance is slim, work on diffusing your own worries. If high... 😨 I don't know! Hide inside & let a neighbour call the Cops??
If sister was POA, she should have been monitoring her funds and should have known the assets were running out. Action needed to be taken before that happened. If no one was POA, who was paying the bills? Has anyone provided accounting for where her assets went?
Regardless of why sister moved her or why there is no more money to pay the bills, the important factor in all this is your mother. She needs care. She will likely need a new place to live. It will have to be paid for somehow. If your sister isn't competent enough to tackle the Medicaid route, someone needs to do it.
Rather than asking if it's legal for her to drop mom off on your doorstep, ask what you can do to help out in making the necessary changes happen. This might require hiring legal assistance - not to protect you from her dropping mom off, but to help sort the situation out and get help for your mother.
My brothers were of very little help, early on in mom's care needs. Basically they more or less disappeared into the woodwork. I was managing everything for her, paying her bills, arranging repair/clean of condo to sell it, and much more, alone. Had mom been about to run out of funds, I would have been the one to search around and find another place for her and get through the Medicaid issues. I couldn't count on them for help. It would have been nice to have some help, even if just emotional support, but other help would have been even better. BE the support mom needs. If sister is that desperate, someone needs to take this on and bring it to a GOOD solution.
NOTE: to the best of my understanding, most Medicaid programs (federally funded, but managed by states) have their own rules and residency requirements. IF Medicaid would be needed, it would be best to work with the state she is currently living in.
Offer to help her/him look for Memory Care facilities that will be in an area that is convenient for both of you. (if you both live in the same area)
If you live a distance from her/him you could offer to come and tour them together. Or support your sibling in the decision that is made when choosing one.
Tell your sibling that IF mom gets dumped on your doorstep you will be looking for Memory Care in your area. You are not going to be sole caregiver to mom.
IF there is the possibility that mom is being mistreated (I do not want to use the word abused) it is likely due to caregiver burnout there are resources your sibling can take advantage of.
Local Agency on Aging.
Hospice (by the way Medicare covers Respite care while a patient is on Hospice)
Hiring caregivers (paid for by moms assets)
Placing mom in Memory Care is not "giving up, or failing" it is recognizing that you can not do it all and that you need help safely caring for your loved one.
Safely by the way is not just your mom's safety but yours and your siblings. And it is not just physical safety it is mental, emotional safety.
However, the fact that your sibling is threatening this action points out that something must change. It appears that your sibling is suffering burn out. Talk to this sibling and ask if he/she gets their basic needs met: 7-9 hours of uninterrupted sleep every day, 3 healthy meals at a reasonable pace, "time off" to take care their own health needs, and "time off" to recharge their "batteries" doing fun activities with people they enjoy. I would guess that some of these areas are not being met. The answer is that more resources are needed:
1 - Respite care. Help your sibling arrange respite care for the parent so the sibling can have a "vacation" from caregiving. Many nursing homes and home health care agencies can provide resources for this.
2 - More help. Enlist the aid of other family members, friends, members of faith community and paid help to take on some caregiving duties so that your sibling can achieve a better balance between self care and caregiving.
3 - Full time residential care. In cases of progressive dementia, there comes a time when the person with dementia needs care 24/7/365. The usual clue that this time has come is when the caregiver is awakened throughout the night to meet needs. If this is the case, help your sibling by researching residential facilities in the area. Then, arrange time to talk about moving your parent to one of these facilities.
It's tragic how families can fall apart like this. We assume roles we never thought possible; the martyr, the misunderstood, the bankroller...
Your question is clear - can you stop it from happening. The answer is no, not by third party remedy. You can call the police when it happens but there's no turning back from that action. The chasm between you and your sister will become permanent and you'll be the 'bad guy' .
Only you know what your sister wants from you. A threat like this is a demand. What does she want from you?
If you want to share what that is, you might get some helpful feedback...
You and Sis are the only preventive measure. You're both in the wrong and you're both right. One of you doesn't say much, one of you goes on and on, and neither of you can listen.
But both of you are hurting. And I know how awful that is.
How involved are you with the care of your mom? Is your sister completely alone in this? The stress of making the decisions and physically taking on the move is a lot. Have you made a trip there to assess what your sister is dealing with and made any attempt to help? I would start there before putting the effort into legal council.
your sibling is desperate and burnt out ... what don’t you understand ??
you need work together and give your mother the help she needs.
Your kids will probably feel same about you as you’re quite an example ....
if you can’t help out with your mom, hire someone to stand in for your share of the work.
Using counsel on aging I got the information I needed to get her started with SSI and Medicaid. I had to walk it through (much faster that way) but got it done. About a year later she had to be moved to a nursing home. Thank God it was also really nice and less than a mile from where I lived so I could check on her every day.
I loved my mother in law and for years we had her living with us with no problem. But when I came home from work and found her heating up a can of left over cat food (tuna) I knew she couldn't be left alone any more. I was blessed that I found places that would use only her income (at the time she had a tiny amount of SS) and were super nice.
It's interesting because even though I had no legal rights to my mom in law I was allowed to be in charge of everything for her and sign all the papers during each yearly check up with the care homes. She had a tiny amount of SS coming in and I think that made it easier to get her into assisted living to begin with. I know my husband was glad he didn't have to do it and was just glad to let me handle everything. He was working out of state so really couldn't help.
Sometimes when the other people in the family won't help you have to take steps such as forcing the issue like I had to. I was lucky. It worked for us.
You weren't just lucky - you made it happen. Well done. With good sense, love & relationships intact. Gold stars to you.
is badly needed! Don’t fight; work togethet’
Some really have such caring hearts & really believe it is the best way. But have no idea of the hardships until they DO it. Then call for help. Just a bit naive I suppose.
Some are deep in the F.O.G.
And some, sadly, will do whatever it takes to win! They aim for the 'Best Child' award. The 'I'm the best child because I'll break you outta there which shows I love you best! 🤮 Then try to bully all around to make their less than good plan work.
"My mom was in a assisted living place in Missouri and was complaining about it so my sister about a year ago drove up and took her out of that place and put her in a very expensive assisted living facility in Atlanta."
So sister has not been physically caring for Mom. Now the money is gone. Reason I said Medicaid should have been applied for at least 3 months prior to money running out.
If Mom is dropped on the doorstep a return to the facility or the ER is what needs to happen, then application to medicaid and placement in LTC where the squabbling family can visit her.
I imagine Mom gets some SS. But often women who did not work in their lifetimes end up with very little SS, unless widowed and able to receive husband's better amounts monthly. Apparently the caregiver feels that the "money is gone" and wants Mom gone now as well. So medicaid and placement is the answer if other siblings don't want to end up where this sibling is currently. With so few details this is about all I can come up with.