To be clear, she’s done this for years — is she coming? When is she coming? Is she bringing her partner? Her son? Will she complain about the food? How long will she stay and if we aren’t nice enough, will she leave in a huff? Etc etc.
My parents always fell for this — even when I was the host — because “let’s just have a nice Christmas.” (Nice for who?)
Last year Dad moved down by me in AL, in our new state we moved to during the pandemic. So we managed to host a nice Christmas. Sister came, brought her family, gifts, we did the cooking and baking and cleaning and the tree and the outings — if you’ve been there, you know. It turned out pretty great, though my husband and I needed like two solid days of sleep to recover.
But this year she’s back to her old tricks.
First she told Dad in August she probably wasn’t going to make Christmas. Why? He’s very old and has early dementia and fifty other health problems. Why tell him *in August*?
But okay, husband and I decide, we can do a nice day with Dad and then surprise the kids with a mini getaway on the 26th (they are teens and we have never done something like that). My H was doing research and then, in September, we hear from my sister. They are coming! They already told Dad!
Okay, glad we didn’t tell the kids about the plan (Universal Orlando, if you are wondering) but it could be his last Christmas, let’s do the big family thing again.
Until today — message from Dad. “Your sister says she’s not coming for Christmas.”
No details. So now we need to check with her and find out and blah blah blah.
And it’s only October. Can’t I just say screw it and take the kids to Universal???? I mean, I know I can’t, but I still want to.
If you're going to cancel your plans for your dad, because this might be his last Christmas, that's one thing. To do it for a sibling who seem to enjoy playing passive-aggressive games? I have a sister like that, and I tell you it will be a cold day in hell before I change my plans because of her stupid games. If that means that ultimately, she's alone with her loser of a husband on Christmas, that's not my problem!
Go on your trip! You can always "do family Christmas" after the fact; do a joint Christmas/New Year's celebration with dad; you can magnanimously invite sis - or not! - as you see fit. Text sis and tell her "dad said you changed your mind about Christmas...is this true?" And if she starts with the nonsense, tell her that's fine with you guys, since you were thinking about changing up your normal Christmas plans anyway. DO NOT let her control you with this crap!
Let sissy know when Christmas will be, tell her no presents this year, have that dinner and then tell her to have a great time with dad as you and your family are going on a trip to spend some quality time together. Only tell her you won't be there as you are saying goodnight for the evening.
I would inform her that due to circumstances that they will have to stay in a hotel or some place besides your home.
This could be dad's last Christmas but, it could not be. Stop dancing to her tune.
If she says "no", requests a change or whatever say "that doesn't work for us".
I don't play games anymore. If you are wishy washy concerning something that needs planning...I just go ahead and make my plans. Your life should not have to center around sister.
Why on earth 'can't' you take your kids to Universal?? Celebrate the holidays with your father before or after this trip to Universal, and that takes care of everything. Who cares WHAT your sister-the-manipulator winds up doing? Holding you hostage like this year after year is absurd, and you allowing her to do it is even more absurd! Put an end to it immediately. What your father 'wants' is not always possible for YOU to accomplish. Sorry dad, here's what I CAN do for you this year.
The end.
Your kids and marriage ought to come first, in my mind.
In my family, we have a "second" holiday celebration. This started because we decided to stop trying to accommodate EVERYONE at one holiday meal. Everyone has their own family on "the day" and we have a larger non-sit down potluck a week later. Everyone gets to see everyone.
Go ahead and make your Christmas plans. Accept that she's not coming. Treat her like an adult and take her word for it. Even if she changes her mind (again) that doesn't mean that you and your family have to bend over backward to accommodate her, her mood swings, or her whims. Enjoy Christmas your way!
Tell Sis that you'd love to see them, here are some hotels to choose from, and "we're leaving on vacation the day after, so we can't accommodate you at our house."
Better yet, there's this holiday called Thanksgiving. Shift the whole show to that date if their visit is required to be attached to a holiday. Personally, I'd do it a month after Xmas when the airfares, etc. are cheaper.
If she pushes back, be upfront with her."You said in August you weren't coming this year, so we've made other plans."
Then just leave it there to ferment.
To cut her some slack, I assume she didn't know you made other plans, so she can't really be blamed, can she? She's given more than two months' notice of her plans, so it's not like she's showing up unannounced. Just tell her you took her word for it that she wasn't coming, and other plans have been made.
You could do it for New Year instead of 12th night if you want, you will still have all the Christmas decorations and ‘fuss’. Talk it up with Dad as the best for all the family, and he gets two special days (do you have special TV all day on the 25th?).
Who knows when it is any of our last Christmas, New Years, Valentine's day, or for that matter this may be my last Thursday on the face of the earth, I sure hope not but none of us have a crystal ball or bar code on our heal that tells us our "expiration date".
If sister "happens" to make an appearance and you and the family are gone...well she and her family can have a nice visit with dad.
Don't let her string you along. If she says one thing or leaves people hanging for her to work out her plans then make the plans you want. She probably knows that people will adjust their schedule to accommodate her and that is how she plans things. If she finds out that the world does not revolve around her plans she may begin to rethink the way she treats people.
What do I want this holiday season?
I'd like a nice meal too.
As I wade through the FOG, trying to be flexible, accommodate others, think of compromises... ha! Last year it became choosing the least worst option. And it did work well. A nice day to remember.
'The least worst option' may be worse again this year...
Time for a rethink.
Do these things while your kids are still young. As the kids get older you will regret not doing them to appease dad and sister. Dad is being unreasonable and sister is just a nasty piece of work. I get he's 90 but come on why should your family be miserable just because dad doesn't care that sister is a flake and expects you to accommodate her whims.
Take your holiday. If too late to book that trip, find another.
Your Sister's chronic can't commit behaviour is her problem. Therefore should have consequences for her - not you.
- Book what you want.
- Communicate it to her.
'Hey we are doing away this year, just letting you know'.
- then go
It always surprised me that a country that was mostly British in the beginning did not carry on some of the English traditions. My boss was from New Zealand. He ran a retail store. We got half day Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day off. My MIL was from London. She made mince pies/tarts every year. I carry on that tradition. We do not celebrate the 12 days of Christmas as such. Usually by Jan 1 all the decorations come down. But, before I read ur post, I was going to say that Christmas actually goes 12 days.
Some things sound better that they actually are. But if there is always going to be one person doing it all or underlying tension then why bother?
Fulfilling someone's final request is great in theory but not always doable. That's life.
Your sister is very inconsiderate and should have been put in her place years ago. I hate wishy washy people. I usually end up just doing whatever I want.
If she gripes and moans about your leaving, tell her she was being so wishy-washy that you couldn’t rely on her showing up. So you felt it best to follow through on the vacation.
Example: “You just told dad you weren’t coming, so we told the kids about the trip. We can’t take that away from them (or any money you’ve deposited) now that you’ve changed your mind again.”
Does sister not want to pay for a hotel?