My 87-year-old father began living with me three months ago because he isn’t strong enough to completely care for himself. He is also having short-term memory problems.
Last week he decided he wants to go back to his home, across the country, and turn the garage into a library. There’s no way he could physically do this, but he insists he can. What should I say to him?
In my experience with my Mom she comes up with things like this from time to time and we would often ask her how she was going to do this or that going through the steps needed to accomplish whatever it was, she would realize she wasn’t able to do the thing rite now but we never closed the book on it forever. Other than driving, that she still brings up from to time to time and we have stopped walking her through why that can’t happen and just say “that’s not happening, that ship has sailed” and last time I said that to her she said “I know, I just like to dream” Now we often go along with her doing something if she wants to because we know she can’t possibly accomplish it without our help and apparently so does she. Most often without even asking how she is going to accomplish something she decides she isn’t going to do (whatever it is) today or this week but she will do it next year and then the topic either never comes up again or it pops back up 6 mos later and we let her do it if she wants and can on her own, picking and choosing the things we let go and the things we help her talk herself out of. I can only imagine how hard it is not being able to do so many things, having your world get smaller because your mind and or body is letting you down, trapped in a failing body when your spirit is 30 years younger. I know how hard it is for me just watching both my mom and dad slow down and loose various abilities I can only begin to understand how hard it is for them. I try to remind myself of that when I get frustrated with Mom but I’m not always good at trying to put myself in her shoes, guess Ill find out soon enough! Anyway there isn’t really any point in adding insult to injury by telling someone they aren’t able to do something they already know somewhere inside they can’t.
None of this is easy on any of us, our parents and loved ones included but I think it will be easier on him and you will feel much better about it if you don’t squash his plans or dreams just guide them when you have to and listen without positive or negative reaction the rest of the time. I feel better when I check myself and remember to do this anyway. Good luck.
I'll be honest and say a lot of it for my FIL goes back to his narcissism - I've asked my DH and his sister if FIL was actually able to do these things when he was younger since I've never seen him do these things even when he was still physically able (FIL was not that much older than I am now when I joined the family and was certainly BIL's current age when I joined the family, so perfectly capable physically of a lot more than he is now). I think he likes to think that he has always been capable of more than he is to begin with. So now he REALLY believes he can do much more than he is physically capable of.
Most of the time we just let him tell his tales. We don't want to crush his dreams and there is little chance that the man who can't even stand up and go to the bathroom without the walker, and can't get himself a glass of water because he has to have both hands on the walker to remain upright, and weighs over 300 pounds, and hasn't been able to navigate even a single stair in years, is actually going to manage to get up the pull down attic ladder to fix the leak in the roof, or crawl under the house into the crawlspace to replace the all-house water filter, or take a trip on his mobility scooter and start pulling the decking down to replace it. He will say to us "I'll just do it myself" and we just smile and say "Ok dad, whatever you say" when we know these weren't even things he was doing himself 30-40 years ago.
I don't know...if he ever actually TRIED to do the things....yes definitely we would tell him to stop. But I think it is all talk. To hear himself talk. To provoke us sometimes into telling him we are taking care of it. To see if we will tell him he can't do it (which we do sometimes say (Dad, how exactly do you plan to do that?)
And sometimes, I think it is literally about just wishing that he COULD do those things. I think sometimes it's about wishing that he could do ANYTHING but what he actually does all day (by choice mind you) which is pretty much nothing. I think sometimes they need something to do with their minds to keep them occupied.
In reality this would genuinely take a lot of planning, and the planning could take weeks or months. It would if I was going to do it myself! I go through my own books every couple of years, shed the books I don't want to keep, change where they are so I can find them easily, and decide which ones to reread straight away. And of course his library can’t be started until it’s all planned. Lots of lists, lots of sketches, just heaps to think through. Sounds like a good idea to me!
It seems that there is no possibility of his embarking on this project unaided, so what harm can result from his talking about it? And along the way, as you discuss the library scheme, you might come across ideas that would make him happier where he is (and therefore much more fun to have in your home).
Do you know what triggered this plan?