Backstory: I'm 26 and my mom is 66. My dad (her husband) died suddenly when I was 19. My brother is currently 19 and in college. My mom had breast cancer a few years ago, but is fully recovered from that now.
I moved about 4 hours away to a new city 3 years ago. About a year ago, my mom started showing signs of forgetfulness (forgetting to pay bills, not opening mail, losing things, forgetting how to get places, etc.) Over the past year we've gone to doctors, had tests done, and I've tried to help out best I can long distance and also visiting home every month or so. We were exploring the idea of Assisted Living and/or hiring a geriatric care manager about a year ago, but never pulled the plug.
Things just have not gotten better in the past year and some things are worse. She loses her credit cards all the time, sometimes will trip and fall if she's on a walk, and gets lost easily. When she gets lost, she just comes back home. I've shown her how to use Google Maps on her phone to pull up directions (she used to be able to do this), but it's like she lost this ability. She just gets confused so easily and has given up on taking care of the house. She just does nothing all day.
The whole situation makes me so anxious and angry. When I'm in my hometown taking care of her, I'm angry and resentful. When I'm back in my apartment in my city, I'm worried about her. What if she falls and I'm not there? What if she has an accident? What if something happens? It's not out of line to worry considering there have been emergencies and I wasn't there to help. Sometimes I can't eat or sleep because I'm just so anxious over this situation.
She agrees she needs help and wants to move into assisted living within the year. I have no idea how to go about selling the house or what this means for my brother. He rarely visits home, but he's highly against moving our mom into assisted living (he's attached to the house). I get it because he needs a homebase, but I need to think in her best interest. (Right now my best idea is selling the house and getting an apartment nearby whatever AL place she ends up to act as our "homebase".)
Anyway, my main question is if I should move back to my hometown. Selling the house and figuring out all these logistics are going to be difficult and time consuming and emotionally draining. My lease is up in a couple of months and I feel like it doesn't make sense to sign a new lease and then be spending consecutive weeks/months in my hometown. My job has the ability to be remote when needed and they would probably let me go remote full time for a few months. I hate the idea of going remote, I have my closest friends at work and I feel like I'm missing out on career opportunities by going remote.
I don't want to do this. It makes me so upset that I might have to move back to my hometown. I know it's just temporary, but I already feel like I've given up so much. My mom and I have both been in contact with our town's senior center and I'm currently looking into hiring a geriatric care manager ASAP.
Sorry for this giant rant that is probably all over the place. I just don't know what to do anymore.
1 - Hire somebody to be her caregiver 24/7. Check with home health care agencies and home health care clear houses like for prices. Make sure to use your mom's finances and resources to pay for hired help.
2 - Assisted living. Sell her home and assets to move her into a senior apartment or assisted living - not a 55+ community. These places will check up on her to make sure she is safe. They will clean her place and prompt her to take her medications. Again, make sure to use mom's finances and resources to pay for this.
3 - Have mom move in with you in a place near your work. Ask family, friends, members of your faith community to volunteer to help watch her while you are working. Fill in with paid help for the days/hours you need to work. Make sure to have helpers that can step in to care for your mom when you are sick or injured (or need a couple of days of vacation without her). Make sure to use her finances and resources to pay for helpers.
DON'T MOVE BACK...You are approaching your prime career years, so don't give that up to be a Caregiver.
Your Mom sounds like she's having a hard time, which I can relate to. I lost my wonderful second husband at age 50 to cancer, and I was a train wreck for years...I still am sometimes. It has been pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I get this.
She needs professionals taking care of her, if you don't want to stress out. Good thing she is agreeable to Assisted Living. Moving back may trap you into caregiving. This is what Zoom meetings are for! Most all medical professionals use "Tele-Med" (or Zoom video calls) now! You can show up in person to sign documents. You will be her smart daughter and best advocate.
Your brother is over 18 and can figure his own life path out. Your Mom needs her home equity to fund her next chapter, period. He's young and clueless how real life responsibility goes. You are handling it all, without his help. IMHO he doesn't get a vote. Who pays/contributes/does the work runs the show.
My Dad died when I was 15, so I spent the next 3 years paying the bills, taxes, shopping, cooking & cleaning...(and trying to graduate high school) while my alcoholic Mother was passed out. I got stuck being her slave (as the "responsible" teenager) while my useless brother and sister were getting stoned somewhere and doing nothing. I left home at 18 and never looked back. The money my Dad put aside for my college was squandered on drunk escapades. My brother lived there free for years, then inherited the entire house when she died in 2000. She sobered up by the time I was 40, so I paid for her funeral...and he didn't even show up.
STAY INDEPENDENT, DON'T MOVE BACK.
Use Zoom and carry on. I'll be rooting for you!
How are you doing? Have you thought about what you might want to do?
If the time comes when I need care, I would never expect my daughters to sacrifice their lives for my care.
Please live your life according to your own desires. Don’t allow your brother to interfere with your needs or your mother’s care.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Next see an Elder Law Attorney to learn the legalities of caring for aging.
Get signed POA, and other needed legal documents completed ASAP. Geriatric Specialist and or Elder Law Attorney can help you understand the importance and need for these. But is critical that these be DONE ASAP given the description you give of mother's status.
Do not allow brother's desire to keep house prevail. This is about your Mother and her needs.
Whether you move there or not is your decision. If you do move there do not let it fall into you becoming the full time live in Caregiver: I could see this happening. Not healthy short term nor long term for anyone.
While there, ask at the doctors office (geriatric and PCP) with mom present to fill out the HIPPA forms so that you can communicate back home. The best way going forward is to set up a portal with the doctors office. Also make an appointment with an elder law attorney and bring her there.She can verbally OK if you can speak further on her behalf. The lawyer may ask her questions in order to determine if she can still make out any legal docs. In addition, if you have to place her in memory or assisted care, you can start visiting places without her to "feel the vibe" It is easier to do this alone since these trips may confuse and exhaust her.
The lawyer may ask about her assets such as house, car, income, and any funds. A good lawyer will educate you on what you can and cannot do in the state that she lives in. Depending on how much work professionals do for her, it will come out of her funds or from the sale of the home, even if it is reimbursed to you. These services most likely will be tax deductable so keep a running accounting such as an excel spreadsheet and keep all recipts.
Chances are with the sale of the house, she will have a few years before she requires Medicaid.
I am an only child, when I was 23 my dad passed away. After the average 1 yr grieving time of going through all the "firsts" without my dad I figured my mom would come out of her sad/confused slump as I had, but she got much much worse. She was only 58 by then so I figured "She's a widowed adult she can make her own decisions even if I don't like them" because who would think it's Dementia at 58? I am now 28 and my mom is 62, and after many fights with Doctors last year she is now diagnosed with Alzheimer's and I fully believe she would not have this diagnosis or at least be this progressed with the disease at this age if it wasn't for the sudden/traumatic passing of my dad which I feel "started" it.
I am constantly dealing with the decision to move back into her home. I did not have the best time growing up with her and the trauma of my dad passing at the home still haunts me. Since she's been diagnosed so relatively young I keep asking myself: Is she on a fast-tracked version of Alz that will lead to her dying quicker than average? Or is she going to live longer than average since she is so young? If it is the latter then where is the $$ supposed to come from to care for her for so long? The longer I can keep her at home the more $$ there will be to care for her later on when she has declined and needs more personal daily care.
As far as the question of Do you move back in? 85% of people in all these forums and Facebook groups I've seen say "No, do not do it, you will become miserable!!" and with your young age you will be stuck longer.
But for now - Step 1 is to get Durable and Health POA paperwork done. POA has to be your mom's idea, so she has to be cognizant enough to walk into the lawyers office and say "I want to make my daughter POA and my son back-up POA". If she is not able to do that then you will have to do things the hard way and get Guardianship over her.
Step 2 - Hire an in-home caregiver (using your mom's $$) to visit your mom for a few hours a day, I have one for my mom and she just plays board games with her and goes for a walk around the neighborhood together, my mom loves the company and it makes me feel better knowing that someone is there seeing her regularly.
Step 3 - Set up a bunch of Ring Cameras inside and outside her house so you can keep watch on her until such time you decide to move in with her. It also helps because I can speak to my mom over the Camera when she hasn't responded to my texts/calls on her cell.
Step 4 - Is your mom still working at all? If yes, get her diagnosed with Dementia by a Dr then have her stop working, and applying for Social Security Disability Income. If she is not working, since she is 66 get her started on taking her regular Social Security payments instead of Disability. No point waiting to start the payments later on for a bigger monthly allowance when she is in this state and most likely will not be living another 20-30 yrs. Get as much $ as you can while you can for her.
Step 5 - How is your brother paying for college right now? Is mom helping at all? Does he need to reside in the current state in order to get a better tuition rate? Is he on your mom's health insurance since he is under 26? Your brother is rightfully in denial at19 but he is going to get punched in the face with the severity of this situation, so you two need to work through this together.
Step 6 - Find your mom's money. Look through all the mail, get her passwords for all websites while she can remember them. Pull the 3 free credit reports on your mom to check if she has any bank accts you haven't found yet. Check if she has life insurance, and if it has a Long Term Care clause, or if she has a separate Long Term Care ins policy, if so then get that policy claim activated ASAP.
By the way, MarCar:
“Or is she going to live longer than average since she is so young?”
Your mom can live for a long time with AZ.
Also: it is very important that your Mom assign you as her DPoA if this hasn't already happened. Due to her prior breast cancer, she should also create a Advanced Healthcare Directive, so that in the event a decision regarding her medical care needs to be made, you won't be stuck having to be the decision maker in this stressful situation and then worrying and second-guessing yourself.
She may also need to create a Last Will, since you have a brother -- it will help make things smoother when the time comes.
AL can be very expensive. More expensive than just having an apartment. Medicaid in most states does not pay for AL or MC, only LTC. So, selling the house to pay for AL may be the only option. If she does go to AL make sure the facility actually accepts Medicaid. Many don't. But once those house-sale funds run out and she still doesn't need LTC, then she and you will be in unchartered waters.
If she actually does have dementia, then working with a Geriatric Care Manager is a good idea. Learn as much as you can from this person so that you won't have to hire them forever.
A financial or estate planner can help you decide what to do with your Mom's house. BUT you will need to be her DPoA or legal guardian in order to do this.
You can also consult with a Medicaid Planner for your Mom's state of residence so that you can know what the possibilities are and how to properly prep for it (in most states, the Medicaid financial application looks back 5 years so you/whoever is doing your Mom's financial management needs to be very careful not to pay out or transfer money in a way that will delay or disqualify her).
Are there currently any protections in place so that your Mom can't be scammed out of money? Does she have a smart phone and use the internet/social media? Fraud and scams are very common among people with dementia. There is a lot of good info on this forum to learn how to guard against this.
My heart breaks to know someone as young as yourself has this burden on them. If you chip away at things, it will eventually become more manageable. Make sure to take care of yourself, emotionally and physically. Give grace to your brother since he is so young and has not context (yet) in which to process what is happening and his place in it. May you receive clarity, wisdom and peace in your hearts on this journey.
Selling her house is not a big deal have a few real-estate agents visit, they will sell you what needs to be done and what the estimate is for what the home will sell for. The funds from her home should help pay for IL or AL.
There are many senior apartment complexes as well that she can live in until the need for AL comes up.
As for your brother, he will have to deal with it, he is an adult, he can visit a friend if he needs a place to stay when he comes back to his hometown.
Don't move back to your hometown, bad idea.
At your age, your primary focus needs to be building a career and a family of your own.
Hopefully, between the sale of mom's home and her SS/pension/savings/life insurance from dad, she has enough to move into a good AL or Memory Care facility.
Has she been diagnosed with dementia?
Your 19-year-old brother has no say in the matter, as it isn't HIS life that will be affected.
Do you have financial and/or medical Power of Attorney for your mom?
Do you have any idea what sort of financial shape she's in? Can she afford Assisted Living?
I would not move back. For starts, I want you to read this thread:
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/if-you-are-going-to-become-a-caregiver-480769.htm?orderby=recent&page=1�
You are going to need to find an Elder Law attorney in mom's area, preferably one who has a social worker or Geriatric Care Manager on staff. You use my mom's money to pay for the lawyer.