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I totally understand were you are coming from. It is hard for us to charge rent for our parents because we feel obligated to be there for them. Just recently I started charging my father in law 500$ a month. My professional job is a caregiver, I take care of my neighbor across the street full time, plus my father in law. I've taken on full responsibility on my loved one now with no help from his other son. I've lost out on other patients and our money is dwindling down now. Tell your mother she needs to help, if you had a caregiver come in and take care of her it would come out of her pocket. Yes charge her something, you would have peace of mind and everyone would get along much easier.
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My mother lives with us. She has to have money pry-barred out of her every month even though she eats all her meals with us, uses a lot of utilities; including television 24/7, and has a private apartment/kitchenette away from the rest of us. It’s a pain having to hear that we are bankrupting her each month when she pays her rent and how will she now afford to pay her 9 credit cards and buy her junk food from Dollar General. We are standing firm as she is getting a bargain in care for what she pays. If she has no money for online shopping that’s too bad.
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I definitely think she should help out. It would be different if she were destitute with no money coming in but $3,000 a month with no bills would be like winning the lottery for me lol. With her mental problems she probably just hasn't thought to offer. Or she's giving it to your drug addict sibling (that seems to happen a lot I've been seeing)
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Stephanie. You're not the only person who thinks that way. Just so you know! I'm just hoping some people don't offer or insist because of the dementia and confusion? That's the only way I can make sense of it. And, Allen, may it's time to  make a 'stand'. If that makes sense.
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I just can't believe she hasn't offered (or insisted!) to help out financially! I often feel like I'm the only person on earth that thinks the way I do. Also if u r uncomfortable asking her to contribute, maybe just say that u CAN'T afford all the bills (even if u really can). Maybe then she will feel like she's helping u instead if feeling like ur just asking bc it's right. I don't know I hope it works out for both of u:)
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Isthisrealyreal Apr 2019
My dad had the intention of moving in on us, at our expense while he paid over 500 bucks monthly for the whore that divorced him because he got old and they blew through all of his money, ss was the only thing left. I am telling you this because of your shock that she hasn't offered or insisted on paying her way.

I wouldn't let him stay because of his deception, he ended up hospitalized, we thought he would die on the way to our house, because he was not being cared for by this thing, then he was placed in a care home. I told him that I would do anything I could to help him, but not 1 penny for her. Senior citizens can be selfish, self centered and greedy beyond reality. I still get mad thinking he could care less if I had anything left as long as she got what she wanted and he got what he wanted. So sad
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PolarBear said it. Talk to her. I went through my entire savings, which in retrospect, was not necessary since my Mom had her own money. But I didn't have a clue what I was doing at the time. She took care of you because she had a child, and that's what parents are supposed to do. It's the responsibility of a parent, when you choose to have a child. You are now taking care of her. Not because you are supposed to do, but because you choose to. And how lucky is she to have you! And if she has dementia? That changes the entire dynamics of the situation. Maybe she should not be in control of her money? And what does she do with her money anyway?
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I think some parents take advantage of children just like some children take advantage of parents.
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Stephanie4181 Apr 2019
Well said
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She should contribute in some way. My mom pays for her personal care items from drugstore, poise pads, pull ups, etc. She pays her share of the cell phone bill. She pays for doctor appointments and meds. She doesn’t buy many clothes but she pays for clothing and shoes, purses, etc.

I have not asked for other expenses but I should!

When I had bars installed in my bathroom she paid for it.

Come up with a price that you feel is fair. Good luck to you.

Mom grew up in the depression, born in 1925. They had to be frugal so I think it’s hard for some elderly people to spend money.
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Beatty Apr 2019
My Mum was always a bit frugal too (love that word). Lately found out she was insisting the pre-delivered meals (1 serve) were cut into half to save money. Dad admitted he was enjoying a whole dinner to himself when she was in respite care! Also told the respite nurse she uses her incontinencd panty liner for 3 days to make the packet go further.... ummm what??? and changing socks once a week to save washing powder.
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You should look into a formal care contract with a certified elder attorney. If your mom should die tomorrow her estate wouid most likely be split between her three children. Not only are they not helping, they will also benefit from what you spend on mother because her estate will be greater.
What are your plans for when she needs caretaking while you are at work?
Does she have a will, DPOA, Living will ( health directive)?
If she is needy enough to be living with someone then all those documents need to be inplace. You can’t do these things retroactively and since she has dementia she will lose the ability to make competent decisions. The attorney will explain to her (and you) how to set her affairs up so that it’s fair to you and her and to where she can get Medicaid if and when the time comes that she should need it.
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Just joining the chorus to say Oh yeah, absolutely.
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Yes you should. What would she do without your help? She would have to pay for Assisted Living or a Nursing facility. So yes, you should have her contribute towards groceries, rent, any utility bills that she shares. What will you do when or if you are unable to work 2 shift job? I would not feel guilty either. God bless!
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Don't approach it from a what's right and fair and what isn't perspective (her supporting herself is right and fair) try thinking and presenting it as the smartest thing to do for the future. Paying rent, paying to upgrade your bathroom (for her needs) purchasing a bed for herself are all acceptable things for her do be doing with her money and if the time should come that she needs more care than you can provide at home or paying caregivers to come in becomes too expensive to be affordable they are all things acceptable as expenses if she needs any assistance. I know her income sounds like it's too high at the moment but you don't have to mention that and things change. Given that she had you pay rent when you got to a certain age indicates that she is perhaps a more practical thinker than emotional one so making the assumption that she expects and even want to support herself makes sense. While I agree it seems like she should be the one initiating the conversation "I want to pay my way and contribute" it might just not be her way, so to speak, she assumes if you need her to contribute you will ask and wont be insulted or hurt in anyway when you do. My sense is she doesn't think this way but some might think that offering you money might be insulting to you and trust that if you need them to chip in you will say so.

Maybe approaching this from a reasonable, smart business perspective not an emotional one at all will help you approach the topic and her pull out the check book with not hesitation. This might also be a good time to talk to her about having the proper paperwork (POA, MPOA, Medical wishes) and arrangements (will, info about accounts etc) in order just so you are both prepared for anything. This might include an attorney who deals with elder care and estates and can help guide you both in how to determine what she should pay and pay for...
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Allen: "Mother, we need to talk."

Mother: "ok."

Allen: "Mother, you know i love you, that's why I moved you here to live with me so I can look after you. And I've been paying all the expenses (list out all or some of the things you pay for her), but I can't afford to keep doing it. I need you to help me pay for your own expenses and a small amount of rent."

Mother: "But you're working and making money."

Allen: "Yes, I do. And since I am paying everything around here, I have little to nothing set aside for my own retirement. I need to make sure i have enough savings to live on when I stop working. So, I need your help. I need you to pay me a small amount of rent and your own expenses."

Mother: "But I'm your mother."

Allen: "Yes, And I am your son. You're making your son pay everything for you even though you have money. You're costing me my own retirement."

Mother: "But when I die, I'll leave you all the money I have."

Allen: "Mother, I'd rather you use your money on yourself now. Don't save it for me. It's your money, use it for your own care now. That's what it's for, not my inheritance."

Allen, I hope some of these lines can be useful to you or give you a starting point. Good luck.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
I love this answer!
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Yes you need to be reimbursed for your expenses and some rent. We just had a house built with a mother in law suite because now we are her sole caretakers. We charged her for building a bedroom and bathroom with a walk in shower because that’s what she needed. There are 3 of us living together and we split the groceries in third for her to pay her share. I do all the cooking, cleaning and laundry. She literally does nothing because she is 90 years old with Dementia. So I do not feel guilty having her pay a portion of things. I figured it out, she pays my husband and I $40.00/day for everything. If we were to have someone come into take care of her for it would cost a lot more for just 8 hours and she needs nighttime care because she has fallen at bedtime. So don’t feel guilty and charge what you think is fair.
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Of course you should charge her rent! Even if she hadn't charged you rent when you were young, you should charge her rent. As you know, she is an extra expense and you go above and beyond a furnished room.

The advantages of charging rent are many. 1) She does not sound particularly helpful, so I think it would be useful to have a method of eviction in case you can't take it anymore. Seriously. 2) depending on how much money she has, charges against her income could help her become eligible for Medicaid assistance since she can only spend on approved expenditures and can't gift 5 years previous. There are more you CPA can tell you.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
Excellent answer! Thanks, very helpful.
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