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When I was younger my mother made me pay rent. I was paying 50$ a week 30+ years ago. And my first apartment was only 275$ a month. She is now 72 and lives with me and been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. And dementia. I helped her sell her condo. She paid off her car. She has no bills except for insurance. I've even been paying her phone bill because she doesn't have a debit or credit card. I buy all the groceries and only eat about 1/4 of them because I'm usually doing something and eat out most of the time. I pay all the utilities. I take her to all of her Dr appointments. I get no help from an older brother and younger sister. I work 12 hrs shifts that switch between days and nights every 2 weeks and still take her to appointments. I'm remodeling a bathroom for her and just for her. I didn't need to do anything to it before I'm just trying to make it more user friendly for her. She gets just under $3000 a month in retirement. And gives me nothing. She has been living with me for about a year and the only contribution she's maid is 50$ towards a Christmas dinner. Am I justified in feeling like she needs to pay me something? Before she became ill she would most likely have offered something for staying there. Its just that I'm getting into savings to fix up my home to more user friendly for her. None of the stuff I'm doing needed done. I even bought a hospital bed for her.

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Just some general thoughts on caring for a parent regarding rent and other things.

A child does not owe a parent anything. It’s nice if it is their choice to help in any way they can but most can’t afford that.

When a person decides to have a child they are assuming the responsibility for that life that they brought into this world.

If they were a wonderful parent to their children that’s great. They don’t have to be a perfect parent. No parent is perfect, nor should they be expected to be. No child is perfect, nor be expected to be. Let’s be clear on this! We can do our best but no one is perfect!

Children should be grateful for love given to them. They should return love to their parents. This obviously means different things to different people. I personally do not believe it means that we give our entire lives to them.

Circumstances can vary so much. I know a young woman who started caring for her father at 6 years old! Why? She said that her mom needed her assistance. To me that is incredibly sad. Her childhood was stolen from her. We only get one time to be a child. She said to me that she grew up fast.

Her father died recently. Now she is caring for her mom. Her mom can no longer work. She has heart issues.

This young woman who is only 23 and a single mom works as a caregiver for an agency making less than $10.00 an hour!

I was flabbergasted and didn’t know what to even tell her because she dearly loves her mom, said to me she didn’t even have the chance to grieve for her dad, and I didn’t want to hurt her further by saying that she was treated unfairly by her mom. I did tell her that she shouldn’t be leaving her 2 year old with grandma with a heart condition. People have crazy situations.

Her child was in a Headstart program which is a better choice but removed her when another mom took a sick child to school and her kid got sick. Happens unfortunately.

She got the job caregiving because she had so much experience caring for her parents. Her dad was only in his 50’s when he died! This poor young woman knows nothing else. She has been brainwashed by her mom.

She is supporting her mom, daughter and herself. That is just too much! Makes me wonder how many others do this from a very young age.

This is in my opinion is overboard, spending an entire life caring for parents. I didn’t care for my parents until my forties. I can’t imagine doing it from the age of 6!
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ACaringDaughter May 2019
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I agree with Dream Weaver.

Taking care of parents is a privilege. I would give everything to spend ten minutes with either of my parents again. They lived with me (rent free). I’m so grateful that I had those times.

She charged you rent? Probably not until you were grown. I’m sure there were many years she didn’t. When she did, it was likely to teach you responsibility — and you are extremely capable, so her efforts to prepare you for life were effective.

It sounds like she has some medical challenges. She is so lucky to have an understanding and generous child to help her through these years.

And you are are lucky to have her too. Savor your time with your mom. Even the hard days are still precious.
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Isthisrealyreal May 2019
If you were blessed enough to have loving parents that is great. But completely unfair to assume that others have a similar situation and messed up to try to guilt people who don't want to take care of the people called mom and dad.
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That's great but I personally do not think you should charge her rent. She's in her 'twilight' years, probably on a fixed income & fraigle. She gave you life.
'Just sayin' ....

My mom's almost 92, had 13 surgerys & literally died on the operating table for 28 minutes in 1984'. She says she saw her body from the ceiling of the operating room & remembers my praying her back (I was indeed praying my heart out in the waiting room as they kept bringing her blood since she lost about 12 pints..)😞
I think she's got '9 lives' & definately a guardian 👼 or 2. Good luck witb your decision. ✌
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How on earth and why would you NOT want to charge her "rent"? You are taking care of her and fixing your house - of course, you should get some funds back but I would not call it "rent". I would find another name and say it is being use to make the house more "user" friendly for her. Keep excellent records in case you might need to refer to them down the line. If she has the money, yes, she should pay you - and if not, some facility will grab it.
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I see nothing wrong with being paid or at least getting reimbursed. However talk with your siblings and don't hold back anything. Can your siblings contribute their time and/or money? You don't want to be accused of any wrong doing. Do you have a Power of Attorney or other legal documents to protect you and your mom? Otherwise if it is getting to be a burden and your siblings can't or won't help, do the research and see if you can find a place like an assisted living facility. Don't go it alone.
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My mother doesn’t pay us rent but she pays her own cell bill. She pays for her drugstore items, poise pads, pull ups, any personal items, her Humana insurance, co-pay at doctor’s appointments, ER visits, etc.

She should at least pay for her own expenses. If you need her to pay a portion of living expenses (rent), then open a discussion with her.

Best of luck to you. Take care.
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No you shouldn't you are going to have shorter lives of charge yo mother rent.
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My father lived with me several times and I never charged him rent. Whether he was living with me or not, he always had a key to my house and was always welcome. He never asked me to pay him back for raising me or my siblings for 18 years. I am of the school of thought that we take care of our elders when they become unable to do for themselves, just as my parents raised me until I was old enough to get out on my own. How old were you when she started charging you rent? If you were under the age of 18, then I would not agree to your mother charging you rent, but if you're 25 and were still living at home I would make you pay some rent.
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Yes, expenses should be shared; but, it would be better for everyone to try and stay in assisted living as independently as possible.
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YES, YES, YES - she should have been paying you all along - include the hospital bed, utilities [power, water], the bills you pay for her, house taxes, cleaning supplies etc but possibly only 1/2 the food

Write out an itemized bill with all the above & keep a copy for yourself - possibly have her do separate cheques for each month or each area like food, bills, single pay items [hospital bed], etc so if questioned later you have a paper trail a mile wide
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Ensure your siblings are in complete (written) agreement with any payments or reimbursements you receive. Since your mother has been diagnosed with dementia/schizophrenia, you should not enter into any contractual agreement with her- only with her POA. If you are the POA, you clearly have a conflict of interest taking payment.

If you “pay yourself” you could someday find yourself in a legal quagmire: fraud/elder abuse/misappropriation, conversion—criminal and civil charges.

If your siblings merely verbally agree to this, that is not enough. Protect yourself.
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we bought my mom a small frame home close to our house so that we wouldn't have to drive an hour away everytime I couldn't reach her on the phone. Since I had power of attorney and was listed on her bank acct. we used her monies as a down payment (this little house was only 990 sq.ft. and $55,000) and then used her social security to pay the monthly payment, utilities, groceries, dr's visits, etc. Anything else that her social security wouldn't cover we paid for. But, we took her to all dr. visits, picked up her groceries, cut her grass, etc. She hated it at first because she didn't want to move. But, we didn't give her any choice. She could NOT be out in the country by herself anymore and she couldn't live with my husband and I....again. Long story on that one.
Momma lived to 93 years old, 20 years longer than my dad did. And she lived on her own, in her own little home. She had a garden, a couple of dogs and could have her TV as loud as she wanted and sit as close to it as she wanted.
She managed to be there until she started having mini strokes with the last one coming about 4 months after the 1st. We lost her after that last one.
But this is what worked for us and I'm glad I didn't have to put mom someplace else. We did have caregivers come in when her insurance would cover it, which was something I was always dealing with.
When mom died and we sold the house, all the funds came back to us and because the home was in my husbands name, my only brother understood there wasn't funds for him. We took care of her day to day needs, so it was an unspoken understanding between us.
We all had to tell some lies to mom about the money, but it was what we had to do to take care of her and still give her the independence she so desperately wanted. My husband and I had to still work full time and my brother was not going to care for her.
I wish you all the luck in the world. For my brother and I, this is what worked for us. If there were more siblings, or more money in the family, it might not have. And through everything, my brother and I are very close and love each other. We're both grateful for that the most. Now when we visit, we've found it's the first time in 20 years that our conversations don't just center around our mothers well being. We feel like a real brother and sister all over again.

Oh yeah, and eventhough my mom didn't live with us, we were able to include her as a dependent on our income taxes.
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jeansonne Apr 2019
You were a good daughter.
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Yes, if she has the money and you don't. My mom never charged my grandmother any rent, but then my grandparents and bought and paid for the house that was in my mom's name. I had thought that my mother might have to live with me, but she died of metastatic liver disease two weeks after diagnosis. I don't think I would have charged her rent, as my income was a lot higher than her social security. It really depends on the relative financial status of the parties involved.
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She charged you and now you charge her. Let her pay you a reasonable amount for what you do for her and keep very good records in case you ever need to refer back to them if she goes into a facility. Anywhere she goes she will have to pay big bugs so she certainly should give YOU some of the money - you are earning it. And just make sure you get those funds - even if you don't need them. You may need that money for you one day - at least other places won't get it.
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Of course you should charge her rent.
She's so young still. She could live to be 90-something.
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Get a full Power of Atty and yes you should charge or "share" expenses with her. There is no reason not to.
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Are you an authorized user on her checking account and her investments? If not, that's where you need to start. Take her to an attorney to get this set up and then have the discussion about helping with the expenses, especially the bathroom remodel. Calling it "sharing" expenses instead of "charging rent" and done with an attorney, seems much nicer.
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Room and board charges is fair. Your utilities bill should be higher and cleaning in the areas your mother uses are probably cleaned more frequently as well. There is no reason why your mother should not pay for her shampoo and personal care items, cleaning supplies and detergent, and certainly food and other expenses you may incur to keep her comfortable.

Best regards,
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Why are you paying for everything? Are you saving for your own future old age?
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Can’t believe you’re asking this.
The answer is yes. The real question is how much.
check out the local rental rates on a studio apartment and charge her something approaching that. Then, split the utility bills (including cell phone) 50/50. As for food, I would split that 50/50, too, just to avoid an ugly discussion about it. If she objects to any of this, simply offer to help her find an apartment. Explain patiently an unemotionally that you cannot support while you are saving for your own retirement.
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If you charge her rent you will need to declare the amount as income on your taxes. You should speak to your accountant.
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dads1caregiver Apr 2019
I agree. It should be stated as sharing expenses, not rent.
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I wouldn't. She has given you many years of love & life & she is in her twilight years.
This is just my opinion.
😄
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She should pay 1/2 if it's just the 2 of you. Half the mortgage, property taxes, insurance, utilities, food, gas, + any personal expenses - clothes, meds, etc. + add your time going to Dr. etc. - you might have to declare the income from this, but would be worth it. Main reason. - If she ever needs to go to SNF or Memory care (you cannot take care of someone 24 hrs a day - it might be too much to have caregivers at your house) If and when she uses up any saved money , property, etc. down to the spend down limit for your state (about $2000 I think) then Medicaid will pay for her SNF - after taking her Soc. Sec 1st. Do not spend your money - You may need it yourself. Don't leave an inheritance for siblings who do nothing to share with you. Whatever she has should be used for her care. If any don't like it - let them do the care giving - they will quickly agree to let you do it as long as possible. All you are doing is saving the government - and any potential heirs - a pile of money - to your own detriment.
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And one more thing let her pay to do your bathroom also ask your siblings to with something also.
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Well first off you have to have a talk with your mom about helping Notting wrong with her giving you some money every month she's living with you and you do everything for her. Now the bathroom yes it would be nice to do it over if its the walk in shower you're putting in because as she gets older she will need it . Wish u luck
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Absolutely. Your siblings are saving a fortune by having your mom live with you. If they give you a hard time, encourage them to do some research on the cost of assisted living (which is what you are providing for her).

Also, if you can get them to spend a week at your house taking care of her while you go out of town (even if your brother and sister come the same week and share the responsibility), it will give them a whole new perspective on how much you do for your mom. My brother and his wife came for a week (more than once), and when we returned home, he always exclaimed, "Thank you so much for taking care of Mom. I don't know how you do it! This is a lot of WORK and it's so confining and sometimes it gets on my nerves!"

My mom lived with us for 14 years, and this is how we shared expenses. (Her income was close to $2000 a month.) We did not charge her rent. But we asked her to pay her part of the utilities. We added up the cost of electric, water, sewer, trash pickup, cable TV, phone, plus property tax. Then we divided by 4 (since my husband, my son, and I also lived in the house). Then we added one tank of gas (for the car) a month (to help pay for all the trips to the doctors' offices and tolls along the way). Her payment was close to $400 a month.

She had her own kitchen, so she bought and cooked her own food. She said (with glee) that she had more disposable income than she had ever had in her entire life, plus she didn't have to worry about maintaining the house or the yard. She said these were the happiest years of her life. (Every year, she gave us an additional $1500 for repairs and maintenance of the house.)

When her Alzheimer's got too bad for us to handle at home, she went into a memory care facility and blew through her savings quickly. Thankfully, she was there only six months before she passed. We kept her home as long as physically possible.

God bless you for caring for your mom. It isn't easy, but I've never heard anyone look back and say, "I wish we hadn't done so much for Mom."
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kgaither Apr 2019
How wonderful that you were able to do that for her. That's how I feel about my mom too. We were able to give her that independence and if she needed me for anything, I could be at her little home in less than 10 minutes. I really miss her too. We had alot of good times in the 5 or so years that we had her so close to us.
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Go back and read your own post from outside the bubble. What is she paying each month for her Medicare Supplement and Part D if she has them and does she have co-pays? What is her property taxes on her vehicle and condo and the insurance costing her? Average that out and if she has money for clothes. If there is money left over, yes ma’am, she needs to give you some money to pay her cell phone bill, maybe gas money, and contribute. Who is in her will as far as the condo and all? Are you more financially sound than your siblings?? Why are you redoing the bathroom if it doesn’t need it? That is why I said reread your post and you will know what to do. You will know if you are being taken advantage of but remember that your mother is mentally ill when you do this. She probably doesn’t even realize the money aspect and if they all think you have the money to do this, they will certainly let you.
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I would you're providing everything. Don't feel guilty about it. My sister was living with my other sister and she charged her 800 a month. My sister ate hardly any of their food and dog sat their dogs a lot for free. My aunt charged my mother 800 dollars to live with her and she was wealthy. She couldn't live by herself and if she did total up what it would cost her. Do not feel guilty about it. I think a thousand a month is fair.
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Yes. If she lived anywhere else she would have to pay. One suggestion, release any resentment you may hold towards her making you pay rent when you were younger. I moved back home with my family when I was younger with my daughter and my father charged me rent. It was so I know that things aren't for free. What I received for the little rent I paid was much more.

Back to your mom charge her rent and keep good records of the transactions.
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Yes. I think it would be fair to charge your mother rent. Perhaps half of her retirement income.

If she has savings, those saving should have been used to make your bathroom more elder friendly, not YOUR money.

An elder care attorney may be helpful in guiding you on how to use her own money to care for her.

With that said. It is not wise to hold a grudge against your brother for not being the caregiver, if it was your choice to be the caregiver.

The elder care attorney can also discuss options such as assisted living that your mother will pay for out of her benefits or income.

With my clients I find that a lot of disagreements arise when one child wants to put mom in a professional facility and the other sibling wants to care for the parent at home.

If mom is in a facility, it will be her money that will be used. Not yours.
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