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It is not like she is depressed - just disinterested. It is difficult dealing with her increasingly smaller world. My Mother, who used to be so interesting, has become a total boor. Self-obsessed and self interested. So of course it gets very tiring to be around. Where are all the wise, elderly people? Mostly I see spoiled toddlers in eighty year old bodies. Sorry if thats sounds harsh but my Mother listens in on my phone calls, screens my phone calls, walks in on me whenever she feels like it. She has no boundaries. It reminds me of when my children were toddlers except that it is far less charming and way more irritating Mostly harmless stuff but still...... Do we have to lose all interest in life as we age?.

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Lack of interest in doing the things one once use to do and enjoy is a sign of depression and she probably needs to see a doctor. A basic anti-depressant like welbutrin might be all she needs to perk her up once again.

Has your mother always had poor boundaries or is this something new?
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I agree with cmagnum. The disinterest you describe is a classic depression symptom. After a head injury, my husband's symptoms cleared one by one, but his disinterest in life hung on. He said he couldn't be depressed -- he wasn't sad. But I insisted on a visit to a psychiatrist, who diagnosed depression and prescribed an antidepressant. That pill literally gave me my husband back!

Probably not everyone who develops disinterest is depressed. I don't know. But I think a visit to a doctor would be very worthwhile.
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I too have all your same issues. I have taken my mom and gotten her on anti-depressants. She says she is taking them. However, I'm not allowed to touch her meds. So, I can't really check. It is amazing how my mom relies on me for everything. But, yet wants to maintain her independence. She has tested all her relationships including ours. Her lack of social skills and/or her desire to even be social is horrible. She never feels good. And yes, she has become a drag. I have come to except the situation. She will never be the mother I once loved. She is just this little old lady that is withering away. Sorry, I'm not much help in solving your problem. But, I just wanted you to know you are not alone. If you need to vent, I am here to share your pain.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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Same has happened to my mom. She has continually shrunk her world and makes me her "world". It is a heavy burden to know she has no interaction except me. This is what some elders do in my experience - not all. I think it stems from insecurity and decreasing control -- they are afraid and little by little withdraw to their comfort zone (home, TV, etc.). I agree with others about depression and medication can help -- but they have to take it. Dementia and Alz also lead to this isolation, withdrawel and disininterest in the outside world.

In my mom's case, she is insecure (guess never noticed this when I grew up) and my father was her world. He died and she kinda of rose to her "independence" for about 18 mo then slipped. She was around new friends but when they "judged" or made comments about the way she dressed or talked to certain people; her fragile ego couldn't take it and she withdrew completely from the group. This was the downhill fall to not venturing out anymore for new friends, new places, etc.

I guess best advice is try to take your mom to senior center or go with her on a senior outing and slowly introduce her to others in her age group. Maybe initiate a tea or luncheon with other senior friends at your house and slowly encourage her if she is open to it to develop new interest or friends to talk to and be with.

Hopefully this will ease your craziness. PS -- I see many active seniors who continue to do for others, volunteer working sometimes 40 hrs per week to stay active and busy and have full active schedules; my mom isn't one of them -- but I sure hope to be as I get older!
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Dear hadenough, I have been asking myself these same questions...my 83 year old mom just seems to have no motivation to do anything. It breaks my heart to see this once intelligent, creative woman just wasting away her life. She lives with me and I have tried to encourage her to get interested in some hobby...she thought she wanted to take up crocheting again so we got everything she would need and she worked on an already started project from years ago for one day and now it all sits in her closet. She then decided that she would like to take up art again...she used to be quite good. So, we got her everything she would need, papers, pencils, acrylics, water colors, etc. She has perhaps worked on something for a day or two and now it all just sits at the art center I created for her here in my craft room. Just the other day she remembered that she used to do stained glass and asked if her stuff was still around for that...I told her it wasn't. Other than reading, books and the newspaper, mom does very little. I am the one who has to get her up and moving to go on her appts. and push her to go to the two social appts. she has each week. She always enjoys herself once she gets there, it's just getting her there! She would sleep the day away sometimes if I allowed it, but I do try to get her up and moving by 9:30 each day...if she wants to nap later I'm ok with that but I do like to get her up and cleaned up. My mom is also losing her sense of boundaries, I think it is just part of the dementia...she just can't remember the rules of the game of life...it's just too overwhelming and confusing so she doesn't even try anymore. I too want to know what makes the difference between the vibrant, active elderly men and women that I see who are older even than mom and the shell of a person who used to be my mom? At her last hearing aid appt. there was an article on the counter about a study that was done comparing the correlation between hearing loss and dementia...it appears that dementia seems to go hand in hand more times than not with those having hearing loss. I guess it makes sense...if they are not being stimulated through hearing their world would indeed seem to get smaller and smaller. Don't know if that's what happened to mom or not...I don't even know if this is something that can be avoided...but I would sure like to try and keep myself from suffering this same disease. My mom is also already on an anti-depressant, but it truly doesn't seem to make a difference any more. Perhaps she is just tired of living...how sad it is to watch the decline....my prayers are with you...hang in there.
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To All, I am helping take care of my MIL with dementia/stroke and a few other things too. I want you to know it is HARD very very hard! But you all still have your mom....weather or not she is ill or depressed or anything else! I lost my mother after her illnesses took her life a year ago and I MISS her terribly! I was 1 of 7 children in my family and there was plenty of disapline to go around...you know"spare the rod spoil the child", and times I couldn't stand her either! I wish she was still here ....no matter what! I can tell you it's harder not having them here, you can at least call or go see them when you want to. Now we are taking care of, my last mom, and I am saddened at the thought that she might not be here much longer! Even though she has dementia and most of the time hates me, I love her all the same..
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Thank you for taking the time to answer my question. I especially want to thank
cscstle & Mstone55 for your thoughtful answers. Sometimes others in the community do not realize that we have been to the doctor, gotten the antidepressants, jumped through the proper hoops and it does not really matter. Cannot force my Mother to take antidepressants when she insists "They don't do anything." What she means is they do not make her young anymore. She is 89 but we are not allowed to say anything about her age or the fact that she is old. She is so vain and self centered. I love my Mom very much but these are the facts and this site is where I come to for venting and maybe some possible solutions. The reality is that there is no solution for aging. We get old and die, always has been that way and always will be. I just really want to learn from this experience so I will not put my children what I am going through right now. Would give you all hugs but haven't figured out how to do that yet! Prayers for all.
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Mom may just be feeling helpless, lonely, and bored...three things that manifest into what many folks would like to label depression. Before you resort to possible meds for the symptoms, find creative ways for her to feel useful ...get a book on Eden Alternative, a philosophy which is a holistic approach to aging, and I guarantee you will be enlightened....
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Thank u monialouise - I will pick up Eden Alternative. I am always looking for ways to change my perspective on the issues of aging, especially aging in the United States. The most vibrant seniors I know are the people who continue to do service for their fellow man. It just seems that their world is larger - well it is larger- because they are doing something productive.
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It is interesting how some elderly continue to live a full life. I hope I am like that! My mom has dementia and Dad seems content to sit around the house all day. I have to make him go out and do things. And he won't take Mom to adult day care, and I think she would enjoy being around other people. I have suggested to Dad that he may be depressed ( I would be if I were him), but he denies it and doesn't want to be on any more meds. I can't change my parents but I can be intentional in how I adjust to old age.
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I will also pick up Eden Alternative. Like wise, I am caring for my Mother, age 96. I keep telling her she is 69. She converts it immediately to 96. It is just kind of a cute little game & she likes it. I also have noticed her world getting smaller & smaller. She does suffer with the dementia also. Caring for her is something I've always said I would do & I wouldn't change this plan for anything. However, there is a lot of repetativeness that sometimes just drives me crazy. It is much more difficult than I ever imagined. About the loss of hearing going along with the dementia, I found this to be true with my Mother also. I kept thinking if I could just keep her hearing good enough to keep her engaged, it would be helpful & it was & is even now when we have company. But with me it is still "I can't hear you & What?" My Mom is sweet & kind & still has a sense of humor but it is still really hard. It seems if she does anything with her time I have to initiate the activity. Somehow it just takes all of me. I came to this site thinking maybe this would be a good place to vent; There is really no one else to talk to about the mundane parts of caring for someone w/dementia. Now I'm out of words & just hope that I've said @ least one little something that makes some sense.
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This question is so right on. My mom is standing across the room staring at me right now.... UGHHHHHHH !
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This is true....learn from your experiences. My mom is becoming her mother. My GM was content to just stay in her little room (25x25 with a potty room). Slept during the day, up all night. Never really got out of bed. She would periodically go to my Uncle's house (50yrds away). But, mostly food was brought to her. She had a car....that she never drove. She was a smoker. But, one day she just layed them down. She says she didnt quit. She just set them aside. She died with a open carton next to her bed.

Now, my mom is showing all the same traits. She sleeps til noon or later. She goes straight to the garage or deck (depending on weather). Smokes, does her crossword puzzle and watches tv (very loud). She has two sets of earing aids and wears none. So, when you call her, you have to tell her to turn down the sound. She is impatient, rude and opinionated. She has ruined all her relationships. Because she doesnt want to go any where. She wrecked her car. So she blames her activities on us. Because we dont want her to have another car. All she has to do is say "I want to go" and we take her. However, when we make plans to take her......she doesnt want to go, cause she doesnt feel good. She has messed with so many schedules. I finally told her, that she wasnt being fair to several other people. That her dicisions were affecting others, not just us.

Sorry, if I sound like I'm babbling. But, my point is this. If you dont like how your mom is acting. Change yourself. You cant change your mom. She is what she is. But, you can make a difference. Life is too short. Enjoy it til the end and slide into home!
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I certainly do not know all the answers, but have read up on the aging & their issues. One thing is that the elderly begin not caring what they wear or about personal hygiene. Two, they wan't to sleep & sleep & sleep. Three, they lose interest in going places & working on projects. And I agree & have often thought to my self that the aging become like little children, needy; It is not so exciting though as having little children. With little children, they are learning, you are teaching and we as Mother's & care givers were younger then also. Now, for instance, I am in my 70's (74 1/2) and I am not young. I think young but I get worn out trying to keep up; The plus, ;), I sleep well @ night.

I am one of those nurses that think anything can be fixed. That idea is not always a good idea, but keeps things more positive. So, with the hearing aids: I took my Mother to the hearing people & finally got her a pair of hearing aids that seem to work, as good as it is going to get, for her. I kept thinking, if she could hear better @ least she wouldn't be so detached when there were lots of people around, that she could stay engaged. But to accomplish this, it has taken a lot of me. When she has pain, I search for a way to free her of her pain. When she is blah, I try to engage her in an activity. I also get her up after she has slept 12 hours; sometimes she will dose off in her chair after breakfast & sometimes I let her & sometimes I do not. She needs to be drinking more water & other liquid. She doesn’t have time to sleep! I keep thinking I will encourage her initiative, but generally it does not, but sometimes... She likes to sew & was a professional seamstress at one time, so I keep a fleece around for her to work on and sometimes some mending. She does a beautiful job of mending. But all of this takes a part of me also & then with the repetitive conversation. Yikes!

Oh, another thing she does a wonderful job of is washing the dishes. She does not do a hurried job. She also likes to iron but she’s a perfectionist & her back will start hurting. She says these jobs warm her up. She complains of being cold all the time. It works better if I help her dress in the AM & be sure to get under’s, long sleeved tops & warm socks on her. It is a 24-7 job minus her sleeping time. She does sleep well.

I am very thankful that I have a Mom who is sweet, thoughtful, kind, non-complaining for the most part, and easy to work with. I am sorry that some have parents who are so disagreeable; I know how hard that must be. I wouldn’t want to be in your place.

Your question: Do we have to lose all interest in life as we age?. I would say, not necessarily, but it seems we don’t always really have a choice. One of my comments to my daughter is that I pray I can age so gracefully as my Mother and then I tell her I am a first born, & an organizer & that she probably should just put me in a home so I can help take care of all those others who are needing so much. ;)
Maybe I written too much. I always pray that something I say will be of help to some one, even though I am just venting also.
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Hi
Mom is too loving person and nobody is there in the world who hate their mother.We always love mother.Do not hurt anything to mother.She gives care always to us.
Thanks.
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Thank You saminadelly, I very much agree with you. Often, I reminisce about all the years Mom has been there for me. You know, once a Mother, always a Mother. I'm now 74; that is a lot of years!
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Now I can tell my daughter what I want for Christmas, a book called Eden Alternative. Thanks monicalouise! I am thankful for having my Parents 97 and 88 yrs old and I try to understand and accept that their lack of participating in life is a choice that they've made for years and now that dementia, Major strokes, low hearing and vision are taking front row in their lives they choose to do absolutely nothing! No TV, no participation in social activities but they want me and more of me.

I do all that I can but after working full time, coming home and work at home for a couple of hrs...I'm tired! I'm 52, no young chick, just trying to enjoy my middle years in a healthy balance with my Parents, Husband, home and work.

I see them once a week and once a weekend but dread going because they dont remember I had been there then they guilt me by saying, don't forget about me. I'm their only child now and other family lives 4 hrs away or out of the State.

I feel badly knowing that I'm the center of their lives, I don't like it, it's too much to bare!!! What happened to my Parents? I pray to be one of those active Senior citizens, volunteering, heloing other and staying busy, busy, busy! I beleive that giving is receiving.
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I sneak 4,000 IU of liquid Vitamin D and a nice helping liquid Vitamin B 50mg into her tea or coffee. The liquid Vitamin D tasted good and I buy it from Costco. The Vitamin B 50mg tastes ok if it's in raisin juice solution or strawberry solution. I have found this has worked wonders on my Mom, and just a few months ago all she did was sleep.
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Oh the vitamin B 50mg can be purchased at amazon there are lots of web sites and I shop around for the best prices on whatever we need.
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You say you don't have your mom anymore. Yes you do. And the best thing you can do for her is remind her of all the things you love and enjoyed over your life with her. Tell her all of the good things you remember about her. If she is 89 then she is nearing the end of her life and may be having a hard time coping with that. If she says something mean just ask " Where's my positive wonderful mommy I grew up with? She will actually start to remember good times and you may actually become more loving and a more positive spirit for her. I am not old but I have been dying and it is hard indeed. It is always the light and happy spirit that helps us remember our own...junesgems
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June, you are commenting on a thread from 2012, I'm not sure how many of the contributors are still on the site.
It's great that you can talk to your mom and jog her memory, but eventually even that little piece of your mom may disappear. My mom stares straight ahead into space. Most of her comments are only one or two words, she rarely speaks in sentences any more. Some days I'm pretty sure she has no idea that I am her daughter, or that she even has a daughter, or what a daughter even is. Today she told me she didn't even know who she was and didn't know her own name. So when people are saying they are caring for a shell of a person, that their mother has "left the building", they don't want to hear Pollyanna statements about staying light and happy. Sometimes it is a struggle just to make it though the day.
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cwillie, I'm in the same boat.
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LOL..I am 72 years old and living alone. I suffer from some issues of depression but I am thankful my family does not see me as a toddler in an adult body. I am thankful that they often remind me of how I changed their dirty diapers, toilet trained them, taught them how to eat with a spoon and started them out on their first bicycle ride. I am thankful that they remind me often of how I saw them at their worst and loved them anyway and how I worked hard to help them find their own path to contentment and worried about their safety. We laugh and they talk about all the sacrifices I made. I am appalled at the total lack of empathy and compassion I hear from whining children who cannot have the supportive parent they once had. She cannot sacrifice any more. It is your friggin turn. Please save me from this selfish, narcissism. There are many reasons why "mom" as social workers like to refer to her, even though she has a name becomes reclusive. Some of the things my be incontinence, deteriorating physical appearance, i.e. rotting teeth, thinning hair, and more importantly most seniors especially women live in poverty. They have very little money to spend on doctor's visits, or pretty new clothes and a trip to the hair dresser to change their gray hair color. Most have prematurely stopped driving and getting places is impossible. Seniors are constantly having to adapt to aging, i.e., vision and hearing issues, perceptual limitations and everything they use to do with ease is harder. But before you dump your mother in a nursing home or hall her off to a doctor insisting that she take soul numbing, spirit killing drugs consider this. Have you done everything you can to make her day to day living easier? Does she have glasses that are up to date? Does she have clothes that were not purchased at the Salvation Army retail store? Does she feel your absolute disgust when ever you are around her???? I used to keep ten balls in the air all the time ..now I can do two but my kids think that is wonderful. I think a caregiver's attitude makes all the difference in the world! I definitely have no faith that is happening with a lot of self centered kids on this thread! I am disgusted!
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Most of the winning I read here is from adult children with parents who never were supportive, but actually narcissists who emotionally abuse the children and they are hoping for change.

Anyway, who remembers being changed, toilet trained or trained to learn to eat with a spoon or when they first learn to ride a bicycle. I know that I don't.

It's good that you evidently have a good relationship with your adult children and always have, but several people here never did and likely will not in the future.

Also, often the health needs of a parent are far more than one person can tend to and at that point a nursing home or memory care unit is needed.

The other understandable resentment that I read here is when siblings do nothing to help with the care of their elderly parent, but leave it up to one person, usually the daughter to do.
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By read here, I mean on this site as a whole.
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I also took care of my mother and father who died within several months of each other ten years ago so I know the frustration of having to parent the parent but regardless of whether actual memories exist of all the things parents have done for their children it behooves one to keep those in mind.
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I do hear you Ginger, way too many Seniors are left vulnerable, and if they have children, and those children each stepped up equally to support their parents, it wouldn't seem so bad. I'm sure you felt this way when you were caring for your own parents. It's something we all end up facing, and all the more reason to have been a good, kind and supportive parent in the first place. I hope my own kids are as your kids seem to be, proud that you are still able to care for your self, and then still help out when we really need them, it's such a fine line between working hard to maintain your independence and then becoming completely dependant. I know that none of us want to become self obsessed and irritating to our kids in our older years.
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it was very hard for me to take care of my mom and dad but I tried very hard to go to where they were and not expect them to come to me...in the sense that they were in a very different world than I was...They no longer had the interests they had before and their world got smaller so I tried to get smaller too. I would have never whined about them being boring. They really weren't. It was just a question of me understanding them. I got my mom talking about genealogy and family history and she could not wait to sit down and tell me what she could remember and I could not wait to write it all down. She wasn't talking politics, religion or current events but fascinating little clips of what it was like for her growing up in the 1920s. She went slowly so I did too. Patience, patience, patience!!!!!!!
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My Mom's world became much smaller too. I never realized how much so until after she died. I became entrenched in her world but it never was a problem though cause I adored her. Now I find myself looking at the world through my eyes instead of hers. I never realized I was viewing the world from her point of view until after she died.
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You know, I re read all the posts and I don't see anyone saying that their parents are boring, I'm not even seeing any disrespect, at least not on this thread. The OP talks about boorish behaviours, as do many others. Ginger, I expect your kids don't see you as an adult toddler because you don't act like one! I don't think that anyone should have to accept bad behaviour from their parents just because they are your parents. Yes, it is sometimes dementia, but for some it can be a lack of respect for their caregivers too!
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