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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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My sisters and I are now facing this with our mother, 95, moderate dementia, in a nursing home for a year and a half. She has been content in this place, but lately she is confused about where she is. It is really heart-breaking to have to leave and have her want to go with us.
All we've come up with so far is to time our leaving when she is with someone else. The sister who visits in the evening leaves when the aides come to get her ready for bed, for example. This afternoon I was with her until the waitress came for her supper order in the dining room. Leaving as she is settling in for bingo is fine.
This is a tough one, and I'll be watching this thread for more ideas myself!
I honestly don't know, as whatever you say might not be remembered. Same with when you next plan to visit.
Perhaps you could just say how much you enjoyed being with that person today and that you look forward to spending more time together.
I'm a big proponent of leaving greeting cards that someone can read repeatedly, at any time, with words to the effect of those I wrote above, and signed by "your loving daughter/son, wife/husband..." It might help the person by giving comfort if he/she doesn't realize that you were there or thinks you haven't been to visit in awhile.
How the loved one handles the departure depends on their progression. At one stage, my loved one was anxious and kept begging me to return the next day. Of course, she would forget the next day that I was even there. How I would approach it is that I would explain to her that she had a memory problem, she couldn't help it, but we were working to make her stronger and more healthy at the assisted living facility. I would tell her she didn't recall that I was there everyday, but that I was and that I would be there in a minute if she needed me. That seemed to calm her, but only for the minute. She would forget it minutes later.
Now that she is in Memory Care, I don't go every day, though I do call throughout the week and chat with her on the phone.
When I leave her after a visit, I say I'm going to go back to work, run errands, etc. and that I will see her soon. She seems okay with that. If she asks when I'll return, I'll say in a few days or the next week, but that I will call her. I try to make her feel comforted in the moment, since the conversation will not be remembered by her in 5 minutes. I also say that she is looking well and is progressing. I tell her her hair looks nice and that I'm impressed with her progress. I say as many positive things as possible to help build her confidence.
She doesn't recall when I've been for a visit and she would not think to read a card or note that I left, so I tape photos of us together at a visit in her room. Since the photos disappear, (she or others could be losing them) I'm now having them laminated and secured firmly in her room, so they can't be lost or destroyed.
My mom had a long history of hospitalizations in the 1970s & 80s, and kind of been a professional patient a lot of her adult life. When I told her that the doctor said she had to stay to get well, that seemed OK. I told her she had been very seriously ill, and was there to recover. She never argued with that at all. She had old experience with that, so it was not frightening to her or strange.
I tried to leave at a transition point in the day, like others have said. At the start of lunch, or time to go to PT, or snack, or other activity. There is something else to take their direct attention so you can disappear into the background and have it not be a big deal.
Be aware that your timing can make a huge difference. I couldn't get there too early or mom wouldn't be awake and had not had her meds. I couldn't get there much past 3:00 or mom would be sundowning and a real pistol to deal with. Go at different times and you'll figure out where the sweet spot should be most of the time.
Some of the problem is how WE feel about leaving. Part of us wants to actually stay and continue some kind of care activity - on some subsconscious level. I say that having had a very difficult mother who engendered no warm & fuzzy feelings from anybody. It's hard to let go and let others. But you can do it. This whole caregiving game is about conflicted, difficult, complex emotions all at the same time.
Don't flog yourself all the way back home. Don't "should" yourself to death either. If you get ambushed by some surprise emotions, and it doesn't all feel fine & dandy, it's OK. I used to pull over somewhere safe and feel the feelings. Just let it out and have a giant box of kleenex ready. Then go do something productive and good for you after. Claim allergies for the red eyes.
My cats seemed to know I wasn't OK and I would get "cat scans" for a long while after I'd get back home.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
All we've come up with so far is to time our leaving when she is with someone else. The sister who visits in the evening leaves when the aides come to get her ready for bed, for example. This afternoon I was with her until the waitress came for her supper order in the dining room. Leaving as she is settling in for bingo is fine.
This is a tough one, and I'll be watching this thread for more ideas myself!
Perhaps you could just say how much you enjoyed being with that person today and that you look forward to spending more time together.
I'm a big proponent of leaving greeting cards that someone can read repeatedly, at any time, with words to the effect of those I wrote above, and signed by "your loving daughter/son, wife/husband..." It might help the person by giving comfort if he/she doesn't realize that you were there or thinks you haven't been to visit in awhile.
Now that she is in Memory Care, I don't go every day, though I do call throughout the week and chat with her on the phone.
When I leave her after a visit, I say I'm going to go back to work, run errands, etc. and that I will see her soon. She seems okay with that. If she asks when I'll return, I'll say in a few days or the next week, but that I will call her. I try to make her feel comforted in the moment, since the conversation will not be remembered by her in 5 minutes. I also say that she is looking well and is progressing. I tell her her hair looks nice and that I'm impressed with her progress. I say as many positive things as possible to help build her confidence.
She doesn't recall when I've been for a visit and she would not think to read a card or note that I left, so I tape photos of us together at a visit in her room. Since the photos disappear, (she or others could be losing them) I'm now having them laminated and secured firmly in her room, so they can't be lost or destroyed.
I tried to leave at a transition point in the day, like others have said. At the start of lunch, or time to go to PT, or snack, or other activity. There is something else to take their direct attention so you can disappear into the background and have it not be a big deal.
Be aware that your timing can make a huge difference. I couldn't get there too early or mom wouldn't be awake and had not had her meds. I couldn't get there much past 3:00 or mom would be sundowning and a real pistol to deal with. Go at different times and you'll figure out where the sweet spot should be most of the time.
Some of the problem is how WE feel about leaving. Part of us wants to actually stay and continue some kind of care activity - on some subsconscious level. I say that having had a very difficult mother who engendered no warm & fuzzy feelings from anybody. It's hard to let go and let others. But you can do it. This whole caregiving game is about conflicted, difficult, complex emotions all at the same time.
Don't flog yourself all the way back home. Don't "should" yourself to death either. If you get ambushed by some surprise emotions, and it doesn't all feel fine & dandy, it's OK. I used to pull over somewhere safe and feel the feelings. Just let it out and have a giant box of kleenex ready. Then go do something productive and good for you after. Claim allergies for the red eyes.
My cats seemed to know I wasn't OK and I would get "cat scans" for a long while after I'd get back home.