It’s hard to explain when so many here have so many worse difficulties but I need to say something because there is a great weight on my chest. Today, for the first time, I dropped off my husband of 51 years at a lovely adult daycare. I couldn’t find a better place but my husband seemed confused even though I had explained it many times. I had the same feeling when I dropped off my first born at preschool. But then, it was a step toward growth and a new life. This is a step toward disintegration and death. I miss him so much every day but more so today. I hope when I pick him up he says he had a good day. He is always so positive and I am the opposite pole. Thank you for reading.
Every step with Dementia is one grief after another. So very difficult.
People who have never had close contact with a Loved One who has dementia have NO idea what being the caregiver feels like. I know I didn’t, before it became my turn.
May God give you peace today about the smart decision that you made.
Kathleen, so often people talk about the heartbreak of the indignities they witness and participate in with the care of loved ones with dementia. Others, well-meaning I am certain, will say--in the case of say a daughter caring for a mom--"well SHE took care of YOU when you were a baby". Or in the case of a spouse "Well, HE would have done anything for YOU".
What does all that matter? When we care for our little ones it is a time full of hope and promise. We see them toddling about in their diapers all busy innocence and trust, knowing they are going to grow and grow and grow and that we make such a difference in that growth, and bear witness to the bud coming into bloom.
It isn't the same to take care of a mom and bear witness to her loss of everything from hearing to site to balance to continence, knowing there is no upside coming.
In sickness and health? It is lovely. But as a spouse we witness the slow loss of the person we knew and loved while seeing the body we recognize as tho it were our own.
We accept it because there is no choice. We move on. But the pain is acute. And sometimes we are flummoxed by it out of the blue. The overwhelming weight.
You post shows that people who are suffering all of this grief are not alone. It assures them their feelings are normal. That these things are not within their control. That their feelings are recognized and shared by others. So, thanks.
Best wishes to you!
I'm glad though that you decided to try the adult daycare as everyone I know that takes their loved ones there love it! And even if your husband says later that he didn't like it today, don't give up, as some need more time to get used to it.
I know the one in the city where I live have all kinds of fun things going on throughout the day to keep the participants busy and plus it's a nice break for you.
Also remember that your husband may say he didn't have a good time when in reality he had a great time, so not only ask your husband but ask the people there as well what kind of a day he had. And don't be surprised if their answers are different.
To most people an adult daycare center is a Godsend for them and their loved one and I hope and pray that that is the case for you as well.
God bless you and your husband as you travel this very difficult road together.
Although my recent loss was not a spouse, I understand something about your sorrow, and am thankful that you shared.
I have trouble looking at my LO’s personal items, and remembering who she was then, in contrast to who she was before I lost her.
I’m hoping you will find some sweet memorable experience, however small or slight, every single day that you and he have together.
The first day of AC we took Mom. I kissed and hugged her and then handed her over to the aide and started walking out realizing my DH was not with me. He was standing there making sure Mom got settled. Yes, he had a hard time letting go with our girls too.
I tried to get my mom involved in a senior center but she wasn’t interested. Mom was so vain. She was self conscious of her walker.
I kind of giggled and said, “Mom, it’s a senior center! There will be other people attending with walkers.”
I wish that my mom would have gone because I think the socialization would have been good for her.
It’s interesting because she made quite a few friends when she stayed in a facility for rehab. So, I know that she would have been happy with it had she tried it out.
My heart just breaks for anyone going through this with a spouse. It is an entirely different and more life-altering experience for which I can’t imagine there are words.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I had advice, but I don’t know that anything other than time will really help.
I hope you can take some of the time you recover and do something that brings some joy and light to your week. Best wishes to you and your DH.
Dementia is so cruel . I know it was terrible watching my parent with it .
I can’t even imagine watching a spouse with it , it has to be much more difficult .
Perhaps the adult daycare can point you in the direction of a support group for the spouses ? Or you could seek out a support group on your own . What you are experiencing is grieving . We grieve for the loss of how our LO was . There is also sadness and anxiety for the continued deterioration that we know is coming .
Also take some time for self care while DH is at adult daycare .
Do something you like , a hobby etc.
Reach out to spend some time with a friend . Taking care of your own needs and having some moments of normalcy goes a long way in helping you to be his caregiver .
I hope that you will adjust to this routine. I’m quite sure that your husband would want you to take care of yourself. This is a way for you to get some rest and time to do things that you need or enjoy.
Wishing you peace as you continue on your caregiving journey. It’s never easy.
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