I am my mother's primary caregiver. In November she had a stroke spent 5 days in the hospital and 4 weeks at rehab facility. We had a family meeting before bringing mom back home to her house other family members all said they would help in caring for her as she can no longer live alone she is 91 yrs old and guess what no one is helping. I am full of resentment and disappointment with all of them and I don't like feeling this way but can't help how I feel . I feel very lonely and isolated does anyone else feel like this
mom believes everything she says (she feels that sis is the only one who will take care of her). I took care of mom in my home for over 2 months (after a terrible fall that caused a fractured vertebrae and ankle) and my sis couldn't have her in her home because her husband wouldn't allow it. I took her to all her medical appts. (which was plenty) and occ. to the stores for groceries or medicaine. Mom still lives alone. Sis says mom's doing so much better (didn't know dementia got better), and sis was cutting back on some of her meds. Mom doesn't want any communication from me as she was told that I am a "liar" and couldn't be trusted. I was accused of all kinds of things, so I let it be (though it hurt like hell to think one would even think I would do any of the things I was accused of). It took a lot for me to disengage from mom and my sister (and she was the sister that I got along so well when we were young)
Mom and I were so close and I think my sis was jealous and she wanted to make up for lost time with mom and how mom was treated by her when she was younger, along with not wanting to be home with her husband (she admitted this to me, also). It's ok (but still hurts that mom would do this to me), but I have my immediate family to take care of and I know that I'm doing this for my benefit, as well as my family's. Haven't seen mom for almost 2 yrs and she only lives about 11 miles away. My daughter and granddaughters go to see her once in awhile, but they make sure that my sis isn't there. She never asks about my husband (whom she loves dearly) or me. When I had called her, she was rude and even hung up on me. Still love my mom, and if she is doing better (which I pray she really is), then she should be ok without me. We do what we need to to save our sanity, I was ready for a melt down and finally took hold of myself. I can't let my sis or mom drag me down. "True joy, happiness, and inner peace come from the giving of ourselves to others. A happy life is a life for others." - Henri Nouwen
I guess it is up to each & every one of us, to make sure our Conscience and Souls and Hearts are clear, and free. We can choose to make a difference in our parents lives....even if we are not doing something else we really need to do, our parents won't live forever.
For those siblings who choose not to be involved, I don't know how you all cannot see. But that is the definition of sin....not seeing what needs to be done. Maybe it is dreadful for me to accuse these siblings of being sinners, but in my tiny little overburdened soul, it seems to me to be very much true.
I do believe there is a God or Goddess who is Seeing all this....maybe there will be some type of....Balance at some point.
my oldest sister and my niece meant well but they treated mom like a child and caused her frustration and resentment.
dementia care is very much phsyc / emotional care and imo is an aquired skill.
Only thing that I can say is what my mother said - their day will come when they need help, and they will see what it's like to need help, and she said that one day I will be rewarded for what I have done.
I would tell anyone who does ' not have the time' that they could help financially by giving money to hire an errand service or home helper.
My siblings had died, and my only other Uncle was no help. My (sister's daughters only issue for next generation) nieces (who mom and I raised) decided we would take care of Nana and Grandma (my Mom). Both nieces lived within two doors of Nana and Mom respectively. So I traveled every other week to alternate locations to oversee the care being given and to manage the households.
Where were my 6 cousins? This was a good question. Two were out of state, the rest were within 100 miles from her.
I asked for help (trimming huge tree branches, painting, fixing the roof, and removing all of the stuff from the Garage, etc.). Things I couldn't possible do by myself and there was no money to hire anyone to do it.
One cousin came out to collect their father's things (truck, motorcycle, jewelry, photos, etc), trimmed one tree (did more damage than good) and left.
My Mom (who lives with me) was in a walker and could not do anything physically to help, but she called everyday (the call was forgotten after the phone was hung up) and SENT CARDS AND LETTERS, which could not be forgotten.
I asked each and every cousin to please write to Nana, explaining that seconds after hanging up the phone, she forgot who had called. Other than my Mom and Nieces, no calls or cards. Ok, anyone can forget her actual birthday, but mother's day, grandparents day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter?
This lasted for 6 1/2 years, until she died.
Here is my advice. If you are caring for someone, you are doing what you feel, you are supposed to do. Others don't feel the same duty, obligation, blah, blah, blah. Don't do things in ANGER, it is all consuming and your parent may feel that you are angry with them.
Anger usually stems from fear of having no control in your life. Don't let yourself get angry, just accept that you are related to a bunch of people, who have oposite opinions about the needs, etc.. and give it up to God.
Revel in the fact, that when your time comes, for needing help, you have gained a lot of experience on how to care for someone and know exactly who NOT TO CALL for help.
Lastly, bask in the glory of Pure Love. AND When You See God, everyone does at the end, you will have Honored Your Mother/Father.
Look at it differently. Seek help from others. Know you are Appreciated. Trust that this is happening for a reason, even if it is unclear what the reason is right now.
Nana said to me, my first year taking care of her, "thank you for being here in my golden years". One day in year 6 she said "oh, you really are my grandson, it's not just a pet name".
Conclusion, before she forgot who I was, she knew she was going to be taken care of. After she forgot who I was, she knew, whoever I was, I was going to take care of her.
After much too much complaining to friends and trying to get help from my siblings, I have decided that it's better to just forget them and put all my energy into helping my mom . I'm working on letting go of all the resentment that I have held onto for a long time. I'm trying to think of myself as being an only child, since when it comes to helping my mom, I am the only child!!
I also have felt as you do now, very lonely and isolated. However, I also am starting to feel good inside too. I feel like the work I am doing, exhausting though it may be at times, is important and is making a huge difference for my mom. Because of me she gets to stay in her own home, take vacations, go out everyday to her favorite restaurant and is happy.
Your mom is lucky to have you because you obviously care a great deal for her. I wish you the very best and while I hope that your siblings come around, I say, don't hold your breath!! Just carry on as though you didn't have them. Don't wait for them to step up. Best of luck!!!
Remember you still need time and a life for YOU too. Other options adult day care so you have time for you, or an in home nurse/companion a few days a week again so you can get a break. Its OK to give yourself permission to do yourself too.
If siblings object then tell them if they don't agree the are welcome to take her to their home and care for her.
1. Are you living in your mother's home?
2. What would you like your siblings to do?
I am POA but I am punished for it. It is felt that I have the title so I should also do ALL the work! I honestly feel like a slave at times. When I brought up the subject of needing help it was met with hostility and being screamed at that she was not going to work all day then come home and work....Ummm I work from morning to evening with no let up, I run to my bedroom at night to pay bills and balance checkbooks then fall asleep and start over. She works part time but stays at work with no pay so she doesn't have to come home and help! Other sister lost her husband and has young kids and is fighting to keep her house so she works long hours, so she can't help.
I trimmed the huge tree today, raked the yard, worked on the roof, ran in and fixed dinner to have it on the table at 5pm...Mom's dinner time. Sister said she was visiting with a friend and "would try to make it." She made it an hour after dinner was over. When I don't cook I get an attitude that I am falling down on the job, when I cook she doesn't show....can't win for losing!
After I asked for help and had a blow up, she vacuumed once and it was over. She is rude to my mother and I think she does it so I won't leave her with Mom. When I asked for help she also told me that I could not leave the house on the weekend without her approval, because she has things to do too. To that I said bull---t! She is gone 5 days a week from 7 to at least 6 each night, as far as I am concerned, she needs to take care of her errands during the time she is suppose to be home, everyone gets a day off and I am taking mine! Sometimes I wish so badly that a friend had a guest house that I could rent for cheap and I would leave this house on Friday night and return on Monday morning just to have rest, peace and quiet!
Sometimes I don't think it is such a good idea to be competent....the more competent you are, the less competent everyone else becomes. They are glad to let you handle EVERYTHING because it means they did not have to! I think there should also be a law in every state that if you do not help with the care of your parent, you are no entitled to any inheritance from the parents estate. It seems that when money is involved they all have something to say or rush to find out where you are spending it, otherwise they don't give a damn.
If you have decent siblings you may be able to have a meeting and get help from everyone, the majority of us are not able to do this.
Best of Luck to you! I feel your pain!!!
Just know that you will be able to live the rest of your life knowing you are a GREAT person. I told my sister I don't care anymore if you see Dad or not and I don't. She didn't help me like she said she would. I was so mad at her and it will never be the same between us. It hurt me so bad that she was not there for me. I will never ask her for help again. She is my sister so I have to love her because it is mandatory but I get to chose who I like and share my life with. Good luck, we all feel for you and know exactly what you are going through. You are never going to change them, you can only change yourself and your thoughts. And about having a meeting THEY should be coming to you asking you what you need!!! And if they are not doing that they are never going to help you. You can ask them for help, you can cry, beg , scream, yell for help and it isn't going to matter. They don't have the take care of someone gene in them, other wise they would be there and you would NEVER have to ask for help. Thank you for taking care of your Mom.And when you can't handle any more she will have to go to a nursing home. Just wait until you get to deal with that one. Make them do that part. And tell them that now. So they can think about it as they are living their carefree lives.
No regrets...from all of the "Givers" We will just have to fend off the "Takers" When our Mom or Dad goes Home.
Arm yourselves for the "Pity Party" Personally, I'm not willing to grieve with any of them. They will be on their own as I am Now!