So World War Z, this is a question for people 68 and above with more than 1 child. What is a good way to open lines of communication?
My mom is a good person but we are very, very different. I do not have a filter and just say what I think. S. is a people pleaser and when she feels attacked, runs to my sister. My sis and I do not see eye to eye because years ago I went off about respect on her husband for making comments and telling me I should be a Hooters girl.
So it all started over this grant for hospitality workers. So, my son got stuck on a question about the email of HR, did he call. Well, of course not, my mom and sis think he is a baby and everyone else needs to take responsibility. I tell him he's a grown adult and needs to take care of things himself. So, my mom and sis's depression and ADHD excuse came into play.
So WWZ started which consists of my mom texting, contacting my sis and them both going off on me about things. Then, I go back at my sis and mom. It gets really nasty. It just became I am a POS and not understanding mental health issues and my mom is a swinger wh*re that pushed responsibilty of her youngest child on me. Sis is the peanut gallery and it gets worse from there.
How can I communicate to my mom, she is an a$$ and needs to quit dragging my sis into this because it makes things 100 times worse?
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You cannot change others. You cannot help others. You cannot make others think the way you think. You cannot make yourSELF think the way others thing.
There is no sense to "communicating with people" who only want to argue.
Let your Mom and Sis enjoy their gossips and steer clear of them.
It takes TWO (or in this case three) to have an argument.
You DO mention here your tendencies to "not have a filter". This is going to lead you to have your opinion exit your mouth mouth very shortly after it enters your brain. My daughter is like this. Her heart and her reactions are on her sleeve, always apparent and always visible and always voiced. It leads her into trouble quick, and allows the REAL "trouble MAKERS" to get off easy as they have known to hold their tongues, and can just shake their heads slowly tsk-tsking about HER and HER lack of control.
Some part of us at times enjoys a dust up. If that is the case, dust away. If you would rather have peace then move away. It honestly couldn't matter less what they say about your opinion.
If your Mom and Sis want to enable and retard the growth of this young man, then they will continue to do this. Don't frustrate yourself. Steer clear!
Full disclosure, as Barb would say. I am 78 with a daughter 59 and a daughter 51. I have an excellent relationship with one daughter. I have a mutual toleration relationship with the second daughter. And the two daughters don't speak to one another EVER. Perhaps that's a good thing. As we can all say of family relationships "It's complicated". And as individual as a fingerprint. Do what makes you most at peace, or happiest.
You have every right to be angry at your father for abusing you and your mother for not protecting you.
Protecting your sister was not your job.
You can't change your son (I assume that he is a self-supporting adult), your mom or your sister. You CAN, with work, change your reactions to them.
THAT is the only thing in your locus of control.
So first time I went to a therapist, my fault my dad did not keep his d**k in his pants and my mom became a lesbian.
Second time, I do not have PTSD from caregiving. Woohoo, could have told anyone that
What I do not know is how to talk with my mom.
Mom pushed the responsibility for her (mom's?) youngest child on you. Who is that child? Your sister? The person you refer to as your son? I am trying to get the folks straight.
When your son got stuck on the question, did he call you and THEN contact mom/sis, because you didn't help?
This sounds like a family with few boundaries.
What is the solution for a family with no boundaries?
So I asked today, did u do it? He came up with excuses about not having an hr contact/email. Honestly, I talked about personal responsibility, etc which to be honest, he does not have as the baby which is what blew this all out of whack.
Then the insults start and it gets terrible. If my mom kept my sis out of it, it would not get as bad as it does. I do not know how to get her to understand it.
When I had Covid, I had some bad, real dreams. I did call my mom flipping out, I do not remember them and that was even thrown in my face today.
Yes, when mom got a divorce, she was depressed, popped valium like candy. I was 16 and respinsibility for my sis at 12 was pushed on me.
It's great that your State is giving that one time stipend to Hospitality workers (whatever that is). It's even better you told your son. But at a certain point we learn only by doing, and only by losses (some of the best lessons). If he is over 18, then in my book you told him; now it is on him to do or not to do. If he does it that's great. If he doesn't then that is a lesson learned. You really can't do more. My daughter has a son in last year of college; still tries to do too much for him; I swear that texting is the work of the devil; keeps it all in too close. It usually doesn't lead to anything good; it prolongs growing up and learning what we have to learn.
Like I said, you can't control others, or their reactions, or their propensity for gossip and judgement. Just control you and don't take part in it.
Hugs, woman.
There's a whole discipline out there called "diplomacy". It's important. It's not easy (if one has no filter and isn't practiced at it, had no role model for it, and other reasons). It works better (but not always perfectly). Even if the other family members (with equally unhelpful ADHD) don't practice it, someone will need to or relations will never improve. Sounds like there's much old, festering baggage that gets dragged out. You've tried therapy. Maybe diplomacy is the last best hope. When my teenage son used to leave the house looking like a hobo with his pants sagging down under his butt (among other fashion horrors) and he'd complain to me he didn't get hired or someone didn't treat him with respect I'd rhetorically ask him, "What did you expect?" So it's the same with unfiltered speech. If one blurts stuff out one should not be surprised or offended at the ensuing reactions of others. On this front I wish you patience, wisdom and peace for yourself and in your family.
Regarding your 21-yr old son... At the end of this past December my 30-yr old son finally moved out of our basement. Too long of a story (a success story eventually, and thankfully) for this forum but on that journey I learned (the hard way) the best definition of "enabling", which is: doing for another that which they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves. I think "reminding" falls into that category. It's difficult to be objective about what is enabling-style parenting when our kids live with us and we can see every. thing. they. do. And don't do. Feels impossible to ignore. In the end, the best lessons are object lessons. Failure is a potent teacher, as my son will now tell anyone. Again, wishing you peace on this front as well.
None of this was under your control. And none of it is able to be put on you in terms of blame.
At the same time that you feel guilty for not protecting sis, part of you may feel rejected because you didn't get attention from your dad. And always, anger at mom for lack of protection.
It is a double edged sword that we are talking about here. Lots that you need to work through.
I would think that stepping away from your family of origin until you've done some healing might be the healthiest thing.
With your son, I am going thru something similar with my grandson. His Mom has stepped out of the picture because...she works. My grandson suffers from ADHD. For now he cannot be medicated because he is on Epilepsy drugs. Between ADHD and his brain operation to removed the damaged area, his brain is like swiss cheese. So, I have dealt with Unemployment and Disability. Which after 4 months he finally received some money from Disability. I too tell him what I need, what he should do but its like it goes thru one ear and out the other. All this government stuff is time sensitive. He just doesn't see the need to hurry and like your son, if you get stuck then u call HR. For now I am doing what I can. He has just started a new job. I will make sure he gets what is coming to him. He is being weaned off his epilepsy drugs so then can go back on his ADHD meds. A certified friend of mine is going to help him learn how to live with ADHD. Then hopefully my job is done.
Dear Abby has a letter today that addressed ADHD in adults. One person who suffers from it says its not an excuse for bad behaviour. There is help out there that teaches you how to live with it.
As to Sis and Mom I wouldn't even be adding them into the stew. That's just too much. It is a breaking down of appropriate boundaries that becomes habitual when it's allowed.