I quit my job recently to help care for my 92yr old Mom. She has a history of, nervous breakdowns, depression, hypochondria and the worst part for me is isolated outbursts yelling at me and her dog when she knows no one else is around. She lives alone, can cook and drive still etc. when not sick. She is overweight, on at least 20 pills a day also when not sick. This is in my opinion from her and her years of illness abuse with her doctor. I thought I could handle it better by quitting work, because it was just so stressful doing both. But 6 months into it, she's more needy and hyper focused on her newly found daily ailments that only her doctor and an another appointment to discuss can fix, resulting in going over things and him telling her to see another doctor....eye dr, hand surgeon, bladder specialist, to revisit things she's already addressed and can't be changed or are one time incidents. I am starting to break out in face, ear and neck hives and get panic attacks and headaches. I'm now trying to do a day on and a day I am unavailable, routine and trying meditation to calm the histamine breakouts but now my blood pressure is also being affected....My guilt is so heavy because she had her Mom live with her and thinks that she should be able to live with my husband and I, because that's the way it should be in her mind. I was adopted and thankfully have not got the tendency she has for constant attention and over excentuation of illnesses but she is starting to really affect my health. I go over do errands and cleaning, try to visit etc. But she always stresses about concerns and her needs etc..adding more to the list of what she wants me to fix or change in her life. Any advice??
Set some healthy boundaries for yourself. Have professional needs assessment done by your local Area Agency on aging. Find out what her legitimate needs are and assess her resources.
And go back to work!
It sounds like her doctor doesn't manage her well and she needs to see someone about the mental side of her issues. She might do well on a medication to ease her anxiety about her health and her obsession with it.
Does she get to see other people or do things? Sometimes when you're isolated, you focus on yourself because that's all that is there. Could she do daycare several times a week?
But the bottom line is that you've changed your life to accommodate your mom and that's not making things better, it's making things worse. I'd try to go back to your job if possible. Or one similar. And limit your contact with your mom. She's probably not going to change, so you have to. There's no benefit to having her take you down with her. I agree a needs assessment is a good idea. And DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, move her in with you! Never, never, never!
I even told my parents that I get panic attacks when driving, but all they could say was "then who would drive us?". Guilt big time.
If you primary doctor recommend prescription meds to calm you, try them. Start out with a half a dose, then work your way up to the regular dosage. I could kick myself for avoiding said meds.
If you can, go back to work, or at least do volunteer work doing something you really enjoy in the meantime. Set boundaries with Mom, learn to say "sorry, i can't possibly do that". Not all of us are cut out to be hands-on caregivers, I wasn't.
Thanks again for letting me vent, I needed this outlet, not having one, I feel like it's destroying me. Dad i's gone now and I have a Dr. but only take BP med. My doc sees me once yrly. I go the other direction and hardly see a Dr., probably because of my being dragged into her apps for years. I'll just mention I had a bleeding ulcer at 11, went thru upper GI''s to get to the bottom of my stomach pains, the tension in house was hard on me, her Doctor back then told me to be a kid, to leave the house and play outside as much as I could....he knew her and seen what was happening to me. I took his advice like it was a ticket to freedon, I'm a huge nature girl now. :)
From what you've described, your body is trying to tell you to get OUT of this situation. All the illnesses-hives, panic attacks and headaches-are stress related.
I, too got sick when I was tricked into accepting a position that lied about the job description within the company I worked for. I lost 30 lbs. (a first in my life), had shortness of breath, abd. cramps, diarrhea, nausea, body aches, headaches, sweating, fast heart beat, tremors, dread, panic, elevated blood pressure, etc. because of a *job*. It drove me to seek medical and mental help. It got so bad I was taken off work (on disability) and was sent to an out-patient counseling program 4 hours a day/6 days a week. I saw a psychiatrist, who asked if I wanted medication, but I wanted to try to solve this without meds first. I was going to force myself to like this job!!
After 4 weeks in group therapy, I learned I needed to "give myself PERMISSION to quit the job". (I had a lot of years with the company and it meant being 1 year short of retirement employee health benefits.) I was trying to stay for that.
BUT AT WHAT COST TO ME? To be a neurotic nut completely driven by my anxieties? NO! I no longer controlled the anxiety, the anxiety controlled me.
Your body is "revolting" over the decision to care for your mom. You will continue to experience stress symptoms until they become unbearable (hopefully not kill you.)
You will have to seek help then as you no longer will be able to function.
Missy, your desires are noble (to care for your mom) but there's too much water under the bridge between you and your mom to make this work. You can NOT be her savior, especially at such a high cost to you.
For the sake of your health and for your husbands sake, you MUST change this situation. Look at it as a life or death situation (yours).
Get your siblings involved. Call the Area on Aging. Call APS (adult protective services) if you don't think she's safe. Enlist the help of the MD that agreed with you. Move her to an Assisted Living facility-lots of socialization there and lots of other chronic complainers to complain to.
If your mother is of sound mind, unfortunately she can do whatever she wants. But that doesn't mean you need to accompany her.
Your best bet would be to get into counseling, read books about getting over guilt (especially parental guilt--look on Amazon), and read about setting boundaries.
Many on this board refer to FOG-Fear, Obligation & Guilt. Research it.
You "took" a job, like me, that didn't turn out to be how it was described.
I quit and felt 110% better. You will too. Get out before you become a statistic.
I agree that's it's a good idea for Missy's mom to have a pharmacist cross reference her meds for interactions. Couldn't hurt.
Doctors also have that ability on the computer when they order or refill meds. An alert will pop up when there is risk of one medication that interacts with another.
As for how many she takes, chances are a couple of them could be stopped (and maybe some are "as needed" only) but stating that she should not take more than 5 pills a day might not be a good idea. Many people have multiple physical illnesses and each illness needs to be addressed. Most people will be prescribed a medicine to alleviate the symptoms or keep the disease in check of EACH disease or condition.
If she keeps it to 5, who decides what illness *don't* get treated?
It never hurts to have the doctor check the medication interaction site on the computer before you leave, just to be on the safe side. You can also have a consultation with the pharmacist when you pick up the meds. You can look it up for yourself on Drugs.com. A triple check, easily done.
Doctors actually ARE competent for knowing about drug interactions. They learn it in the Pharmacology part of their training.
Just like a hairstylist who colors or perms your hair, she'd better know the interaction of the different chemicals or else your hair can break off or burn up.
Nobody wants to take a handful of meds everyday but sometimes it's inevitable. At least she's alive and can function.
I agree she needs a psychiatric evaluation.
At 92, your mom has lifelong ingrained, unhealthy habits. Trying to get her to change is pounding sand. Trying to meet all of her needs is too much for one person. You need help. You've got some excellent advice here! We all need to work "smarter", not harder!
Last summer I tried to be Ms. Fixit for my 92-yearold mom with mixed dementia. Her primary doctor, I discovered, was heavily into referrals. In one month, Mom was scheduled for 9 different consults with specialists. Mom loves to go to the doctor and complain, demands they do something, then objects when they give her a pill. This is the way modern medicine works. None of her issues were related to poor health habits like your mom's, just the consequence of aging on different body systems.
My stress level went through the roof. With no prior blood pressure issues, my BP crept higher and higher. Insomnia, digestive upsets, cardiac issues reared their ugly heads. I couldn't sleep. I slipped into unhealthy habits, trying to cope. Finally, I squeezed in time to go to my own doctor. My issues were all stress-related. My doctor told me it was either me or my mom. I made a few lifestyle changes per her recommendations.
I found an internist who specializes in geriatric patients. She had me cancel all the appointments with specialists and changed our focus from "fixing everything" to comfort care. She visits mom at her memory care unit (so I don't have to take her) and treats her symptomatically, the key word being "comfort care." What a change! What a relief! Mom is better, I think. I'm better.
We are our parents' advocate/caretakers, but that doesn't mean we can solve every problem. They can be ornery, contrary, demanding, manipulative and downright abusive. Placing an emotional distance between myself and Mom really helped. It requires a daily, conscious effort to keep from slipping back into my former inmeshment. A book that really helped me was "Coping With Your Difficult Older Parent, A Guide for Stressed-Out Children" by Grace Lebow & Barbara Kane, with Irwin Lebow. This book's focus is on you, the caregiver.
Wishing you the very best! Take care of yourself! Your health matters, too!
I have the psychosomatic problem in my family and it's very stressful. The main problem is that even if the patient acknowledges that is what is going on, they may not really accept it or accept treatment for the mental disorder. Thus, they live in misery with these mystery ailments, some actual and some created by their brain. There's not much you can do about it. I've discussed it with my LO's doctors and have decided to stay out of it. I don't engage her or have any input into her ailments, except to say, contact your doctor. You have to learn how to protect your own health. You can't get ahead, but, she'll never find the right answer or treatment...ever. It's part of the condition. So, I hope you do find some way to get out from the situation.
If she's incompetent, I'd explore ways that others can be responsible for her. They normally are roughest on family. If she is, I'd allow her to make her health care arrangements. I'm not sure where the guilty part comes into play. I think that my LO is the ONE who should feel GUILTY, not me. I'm not the one stressing out the family, creating stress and running up unnecessary doctor bills. It's unfortunate, but, it's the truth. Sad, but true.