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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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My brother and I are unable to care for her. She really hates me now because I’ve always been her “fixer”. She thinks I’m keeping her in there because I don’t want to deal with her. Help!
It's a huge adjustment to move so her reaction is understandable. However, facilities deal with this type of reaction all the time, so ask the staff how best to help her adjust. And then you just need to give her time. She is there for her own health and safety, so don't give in and don't guilt-trip yourself.
No, you DO NOT want to deal with her. Of COURSE you don't. And not only that but you are not able to. Now she needs the help of several shifts with several people each. Them's the facts, ma'am.
She sees you as her Savior, her Saint, and her rescuer. Bringing her home moves you from darling daughter to hated caregiver setting limits and making rules. Of COURSE she is lambasting YOU every time she sees you because she sees you as her only hope of exiting this place. She is depressed and grieving and both often manifest as anger. Allow her to sit with the anger and grief. Do not make excuses. Do not negate her feelings. Tell her you are sorry but you cannot care for her in the home, that this is her new home, and that you recognize she is very unhappy about that and grieving it and not a little angry. But NONE of those things will change it. Be HONEST. Tell her that there have been many times in her long life that she has been unhappy, and this is another one of them, and you are so sorry. Were you god, or even a good fairy you would wave a wand and make it OK, but you cannot do that.
Do not assume the mantle of guilt. You didn't DO this and you can't FIX this and to have guilt is to be RESPONSIBLE for something, which you ARE NOT. ARE NOT! Use the other G-work which is grief. To stand witness to this pain and loss is to grieve, and trust me, this is WORTH grieving.
I am very sorry, but this isn't yours to own. And she does NOT hate you. She IS furious at you, because she cannot make you do something that would be completely and entirely WRONG. Tell her that she is now going to have to make the best of this she is able, that you will visit and support her, that she will get many more and more more frequent visitors if she is able at some point to reach for and nurture some acceptance and contentment.
I am sorry. But you need to strengthen yourself. The only to handle this grief is to walk with it. Practice the serenity prayer over and over and over and make it your mantra. I say that as an ATHEIST, by the way.
Welcome to the forum Skindoo. Some responders forget that not everyone is familiar with how elders react when placed in managed care. They also forget we're not healthy youngsters ourselves or medically trained to care for our loved one whose had a stroke. We don't run nursing homes either, or have staffs to help us 24/7.
99% of elders who suffer from a stroke or dementia want to "go home" and ask to do so constantly. Many are seeking a place in time when they were young and carefree rather than a brick and mortar bldg. It's very common for them to get angry at us for "putting" them someplace, not understanding the scope of their needs. They don't necessarily hate US but the predicament they find themselves in. Antidepressants are normally very helpful, as they were for my mother.
It's useful to remind mom she's in the memory care under doctors orders. And it's useful to remind yourself you're in no position to issue care of THIS magnitude to her yourself, that you're not responsible for her situation. Mom is where she needs to be. Remind her how much you love her, and when you visit, Bri g snacks and photos and small gifts. My mother enjoyed blouses and nightgowns. She adjusted to Memory Care and took part in all the activities daily. She gave me a hard time every chance she got, and said very ugly and hurtful things to me all the time. Regardless, I visited regularly and was her advocate and POA for over 10 years of medical issues. We do the best we can and it's plenty.
Does your mom have any of the dementias, or did she just have a stroke which caused her aphasia? I ask because you don't mention anywhere in your post that your mom has dementia, other than putting you post under "Alzheimer's & Dementia." And someone having aphasia doesn't mean that they have dementia. My late husband had aphasia ever since his stroke at the age of 48 and didn't develop dementia until he was about 68. So perhaps your mom belongs in assisted living and not a memory care, but if in fact she has been diagnosed with dementia, and is well into her dementia journey then you'll just have to allow your mom time to adjust and let her know that you and your brother are not able to care for her, but love her very much and that she is in the best place right now where she is safe and looked after.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
She sees you as her Savior, her Saint, and her rescuer. Bringing her home moves you from darling daughter to hated caregiver setting limits and making rules.
Of COURSE she is lambasting YOU every time she sees you because she sees you as her only hope of exiting this place.
She is depressed and grieving and both often manifest as anger.
Allow her to sit with the anger and grief. Do not make excuses. Do not negate her feelings. Tell her you are sorry but you cannot care for her in the home, that this is her new home, and that you recognize she is very unhappy about that and grieving it and not a little angry. But NONE of those things will change it. Be HONEST.
Tell her that there have been many times in her long life that she has been unhappy, and this is another one of them, and you are so sorry. Were you god, or even a good fairy you would wave a wand and make it OK, but you cannot do that.
Do not assume the mantle of guilt. You didn't DO this and you can't FIX this and to have guilt is to be RESPONSIBLE for something, which you ARE NOT. ARE NOT!
Use the other G-work which is grief. To stand witness to this pain and loss is to grieve, and trust me, this is WORTH grieving.
I am very sorry, but this isn't yours to own.
And she does NOT hate you. She IS furious at you, because she cannot make you do something that would be completely and entirely WRONG.
Tell her that she is now going to have to make the best of this she is able, that you will visit and support her, that she will get many more and more more frequent visitors if she is able at some point to reach for and nurture some acceptance and contentment.
I am sorry. But you need to strengthen yourself. The only to handle this grief is to walk with it. Practice the serenity prayer over and over and over and make it your mantra. I say that as an ATHEIST, by the way.
I am sorry.
99% of elders who suffer from a stroke or dementia want to "go home" and ask to do so constantly. Many are seeking a place in time when they were young and carefree rather than a brick and mortar bldg. It's very common for them to get angry at us for "putting" them someplace, not understanding the scope of their needs. They don't necessarily hate US but the predicament they find themselves in. Antidepressants are normally very helpful, as they were for my mother.
It's useful to remind mom she's in the memory care under doctors orders. And it's useful to remind yourself you're in no position to issue care of THIS magnitude to her yourself, that you're not responsible for her situation. Mom is where she needs to be. Remind her how much you love her, and when you visit, Bri g snacks and photos and small gifts. My mother enjoyed blouses and nightgowns. She adjusted to Memory Care and took part in all the activities daily. She gave me a hard time every chance she got, and said very ugly and hurtful things to me all the time. Regardless, I visited regularly and was her advocate and POA for over 10 years of medical issues. We do the best we can and it's plenty.
Best of luck to you.
I ask because you don't mention anywhere in your post that your mom has dementia, other than putting you post under "Alzheimer's & Dementia." And someone having aphasia doesn't mean that they have dementia.
My late husband had aphasia ever since his stroke at the age of 48 and didn't develop dementia until he was about 68.
So perhaps your mom belongs in assisted living and not a memory care, but if in fact she has been diagnosed with dementia, and is well into her dementia journey then you'll just have to allow your mom time to adjust and let her know that you and your brother are not able to care for her, but love her very much and that she is in the best place right now where she is safe and looked after.