Hi, I am 58 and struggle with severe rheumatoid arthritis. I am the sole caregiver for my 92 year old mom, who is recovering from a broken femur. I am also the mom of a teenage daughter.
I have two sisters. Both are in good health and way better off financially than I am. However, they leave me to do 100% for mom, while they literally spent time in their vacation homes. I feel myself becoming increasingly resentful and bitter. They are free to live their lives with no restrictions, while all of this responsibility rests only on me. It’s leaving me feeling depleted, discouraged and detached. Can anyone relate? Would greatly appreciate any input or suggestions. Thank you so much!
Your mother’s care is too much for you to physically manage. That has NOTHING to do with who or what your siblings are, or have.
YOU have the wherewithal to find a cheerful, pleasant, nearby facility where she will enjoy the company of others, place her there, ignore her tears and protests, and after she adjusts, visit her often.
She may attempt to guilt you into doing what you’ve been doing previously. If she does so, AFTER YOU HAVE FOUND HER NEW RESIDENCE, ON THE DAY SHE IS MOVING, you will say “Mom, I love you too much to continue to require you to live within a situation burdened by my physical limitations. We will enjoy each other much more when I can come to see you in your new surroundings”.
You will hug her and tell her you love her, and you will go home and begin working on making YOUR LIFE pleasant and calm and as healthy as possible.
Your siblings aren’t responsible for you. YOU are responsible for you. You have paid your dues. Now do what is best for YOU. No anger, no comparison with your siblings, no reason to be bitter, no reason for resentment. YOUR TURN.
My mother moved in with me 5 years ago and I do everything for her because I don't have a family and she cannot live on her own, neither physically nor financially. I have no support, as we have no family nearby to help. I have a full time job and run home to care for her after work. She has an aide that comes a few hours a week.
I recently messaged my brother, saying that I am going to need to cut my hours at work because I "can't do all of this anymore." The answer I got back was "do whatever you think is best." When I've brought the subject up before that Mom is one step away from a nursing home, he didn't seem to think that was a bad plan. I don't want her to go to a NH for several reasons, the least of which is the COVID situation.
Anyway, I was thinking about emailing him again to get some support, but I know nothing is going to change, so then I think "why bother." So basically I have no suggestions to offer, but I will follow this thread to see if anyone else has some words of wisdom to offer.
Almost no one EVER says they “like” change of any kind after being obliged by illness or age or care needs or really, ANY reason, if they haven’t chosen it themselves, to leave a place where they’ve been in the past.
If you have found a safe, pleasant residence where a Loved One can be well cared for, you’ve done your best, and no one can expect more.
I am sorry that you are struggling with this situation. I hope things improve soon. Take care.
FYI I am an only child so everything fell to me. I learned early on to have boundaries and only do what I felt comfortable doing. Sure my boundaries were pushed at times but for the most part I held firm.
BrendaLee is not blaming her siblings. She has resentment towards them because all of mom's care and needs fall on her. They don't lift a finger or help with any of it.
That's what isn't fair. That's where the resentment comes from and rightly so.
BTW, I like the 'Voluntold'. That is perfect. So many of us were made as I often say the 'Designated Caregiver'. Voluntold is better.
Pretty much anyone who has ever had to be a caregiver to an elderly parent can relate to what you're saying. I sure can.
It's very easy for people to just say put the elderly person in a care facility and be done with it. They don't know that there may be reasons and circumstances for why that isn't happening. Some caregivers are in need and struggle financially. Handing over a property to pay a nursing home or AL for a few months before Medicaid kicks in isn't always the answer. Helping the caregiver out with some of the responsibility works too.
It's totally understandable for you to have resentment towards your siblings who do nothing and don't help with mom at all.
These kinds of brothers and sisters are always the first ones in line with their hands out when it's inheritance time.
You are your mother's only caregiver. Her will should reflect on you as if you were an only child. My mother's certainly does and I would not have it any other way. You're what is keeping her out of a nursing home. I am too.
Hire some private pay caregivers a few hours a week to help you out with some of it and pay for it out of your mom's income. Even if she doesn't want it. Do it anyway and she will just have to adjust. Then start withdrawing cash from her accounts and put it into a safety deposit box at the bank. There's no reason why you should be doing it all for free. If you're planning on living with mom, don't do it. If you do please never buy that BS line about living rent-free with room and board being a fair exchange for 24 hour caregiving services. That's not a fair exchange. It's indentured servitude very much like slavery.
Let your sisters enjoy their vacation homes. There's nothing you can do about that and you can't force them to help. When there's no inheritance for them they won't be so happy.
it sounds like it’s time…
See All Answers