I'm 20 years old, newly married and my Mom lives with us. Any advice?

I don't know where you live, but there should be agencies who can help her find some kind of housing so that she doesn't have to live with you. You'll have to do the research, as I'm sure your "stubborn, negative, rude, and manipulative" mom is happy continuing to sponge off of you. You have to change this pattern NOW or you'll have mom mucking up your life from here on out.

Start making phone calls to social service agencies in your area to find out what services are available. See if she can reestablish her Section 8 in her new location. If you give us your town/state, I'll do some research about agencies you might call. You've done more than enough for you mom. It's time for her to step up and take care of herself so you can live your own life. I'm older than your mom and I can't imagine taking such advantage of my own child.

Here's what I would do - find her an apartment and pay the first month's rent (cash - don't rent in your name) and tell her the rest is up to her. Also, since she is 60, you might investigate getting medicaid funding for her to go into a nursing home.

Get her back on section 8 ASAP. Call her social worker and get her into housing for the disabled/senior. If she falls again and ends up in the hospital, do NOT pick her up, force social services to find her a place. She may have the beginnings of dementia and needs senior living or assisted living. Save your marriage and your future.

@Blannie We live in Humboldt county, CA. Thank you so so much.

OK, here's where you start: http://humboldtgov.org/901/Adults Click on any of the links and you'll get phone numbers and general information.

And here's Section 8 info for Humboldt County: http://eureka-humboldt-hsg.org/programs.html

Good luck and keep us posted! We're here to support you.

Medicaid funding to go into a nursing home? That seems strange if she's NOT disabled, or THAT old.

It sounds as though she falls into that "screwed" category of being between 55-65 years old, too young for SS, not disabled enough, nobody wanting to hire her, and she doesn't have an underage child with her to qualify for state assistance. Wow. This may be one of those situations where NOT much help is available. I hope posters here have more on this than I do.

KayFox,

You say that she's already getting FS and medical. How much is she living on and is she on Medicaid?....I actually feel for both of you. You should have your privacy and should not play role reversal. That's not fair to YOU.
YOUR mom should know this and stop imposing on you.
She needs to reapply for section 8, and visit a social service office to see what help she could get.

You need to establish some ground rules with Mom, and the sooner the better. I have the suspicion she's become accustomed to this new life and enjoys having someone chauffeur her around as well as be recipients of her unacceptable and antisocial behavior.

I also think she's in some part resentful of her situation and directing that resentment toward you. Time to put a stop to that. One way is to establish rules that make her toe the line. If she's not getting luxury treatment, and if you stand up to her when she's rude, she'll make an effort to get back on her feet and find someplace else.

Right now, she more or less controls the situation. Change that.

So, as to:

Transportation:

1. I can understand that she might not be comfortable taking a linehaul bus, so investigate to determine if (a) your transit company has a small bus system that she could use and/or (b) if there is any bus/transit service for seniors in your community.

Barring that, coordinate her appointments with yours to minimize trips; unnecessary ones just for pleasure should be cut back so she realizes that you're providing transportation ONLY for necessary purposes. Be insistent if she resists.

Nowhere to go:

2. I don't know that much about Section 8 housing, but contact them to try to re-establish it, on the premise that your mother will be needing space of her own, soon...very soon.

No money:

3. I'm not sure why you would be "forking over" money if she's living with you other than for meds and/or medical costs. If she's got food stamps and medical care, I just don't understand what you're funding for her.

Could you elaborate?

Medical:

4. If she's not already on Medicaid, start that process.

No job:

5. Did she get unemployment after she ceased working? What was her field when she was working? Try to help her find a job by either online searches, counseling and assistance at libraries (ours have this feature for job hunters and unemployed), and inquiring at your senior center (if any) what might be available in the community. Even grocery stores are hiring older folks as greeters.

There is an agency that specifically assists older workers in retraining and finding jobs but I just can't recall the name of it now.

However, at 60 she's young enough to find something if she really wants to. That might be the issue.

There's also the possibility of temp work for which she might qualify.

6. Going forward

Spend some time away from the apartment with your husband and review the categories of issues that prevent her from living alone now, brainstorm and figure out what can be done about them, then sit down with her for a nice daughter and mother talk and explain you've found some ways to help her.

If you break the barriers down by category, then components, it'll be easier to address than the current perspective of "no a ... z" approach. That's not a criticsm... just deal with smaller issues of the larger ones.

If she bristles, it might be because she likes the situation and doesn't want to change. Then you'll have to be more forceful. You could explain that you're sure she would prefer to be on her own (hint, hint) which would really put her in a position of not being able to challenge you w/o revealing that she likes being cared for.

And review the items you're funding and cut back if not out, explaining that you've had to establish a budget and nonessential items are no longer affordable.

You don't mention if she's participating in any of the apartment maintenance like housework, or laundry, or cooking. If not, recruit her. Use the military way - don't ask, just volunteer for her.

If you're firm and stand up to her, eventually she's going to realize she's not going to continue to be chauffered or be rude, stubborn and/or negative. That might be the best encouragement you can create.

Your mother's situation was unfortunate. Now your mother's situation is fortunate and she needs to get her life back on track herself and stop being a rude, inconsiderate leech. You are an adult now and need to insist your mother start helping herself and finding other resources to gain independence from you.

first off id get her A** on the buses! dosnt want to travel by bus who is she "the queen".

When's your lease up? If all else fails, tell her when the lease ends you are moving and starting a life of your own. Even if you have to move to a new apt in the complex, do so. Tell her in no uncertain terms that you love her but your life with your husband is more important and you hope she understands but she is on her own. NO MORE MONEY for mom. There is always something she can do, even if it's working at mcdonalds, walmart, grocery, and she can find a roommate to share expenses if she must.

Sorry, she is taking the easy way out and you guys need to give her some tough love for your sakes.

I'm surprised how everyone on this forum assumes that the mom is leeching.

I see it differently. Unless OP sees mom as a leech, I will assume otherwise. I'm a little more sympathetic to her moms' plight than most of you. I know of so many people in their fifties and sixties who have been laid off and NO MONEY coming to them. TG the ones I know personally have spouses, or a little saved up....but getting depleted quickly.

It's tough out there for people over fifty who lost their jobs. Most will never make the same money they used to make. Some will NEVER find work. There was a special on TV how sooo many people over 50 (who lost their jobs and have no income) resort to hiring a lawyer to get disability. Although it's a huge scam, they need to get money from "somewhere".

Unfortunately, people over fifty, who aren't in the best of health, but not disabled, cannot find employment, not even at Walmart...If I didn't see it, I wouldn't believe it.
I've learned to be a bit more compassionate, because it's NOT always the unemployed person's fault....Sure, my fully employed friends don't understand. But I have seen people completely demoralized and depressed, broke....not pretty. It's not their fault, but OUR GOVERNMENTS for allowing jobs to go overseas.

SuzieQQQ wrote:

"Unfortunately, people over fifty, who aren't in the best of health, but not disabled, cannot find employment, not even at Walmart"

Not true, not true! Suzie, in our area Meijer's, a large grocery chain, hires seniors well into their 70's to acta as greeters. Two hospitals hire seniors in that age group to work in their in-hospital stores and gift shops. I've seen seniors working at the big box hardware stores.

Sure, there are some companies and businesses that won't consider seniors in that age group. But others will.

I've been through that process and didn't like it, but I found jobs including one which was actually the best paying (and in some ways the worst job) I'd had.

Temp jobs are scut jobs, but sometimes they're necessary to keep food on the table. When you're desperate, you're a lot more flexible.

I suspect you're thinking of a lof of the folks who worked for years at the same place, then were laid off. They faced an unusual situation - they hadn't been in the marketplace and didn't know how to remarket themselves to find new jobs. Mastering computer technology could also have been a factor. And some folks are just not able to be flexible enough to refocus, reinvent and reinterview at that stage. It's overwhelimg.

But I wouldn't place all the blame on the "government" for allowing jobs to go overseas. Certainly trade treaties and legislation which favors certain countries are at play.

But don't forget the business community makes executive decisions to open overseas plants and relocate jobs there. Check out some of the business mags to see how many Fortune 500 companies have overseas presence. Those are strategic and marketing decisions made by private sector executives, not the government (and given their performance over the last few years it's hard to see that they've made many decisions at all).

There's also the issue that some nationalities have a history of providing if not creating an atmosphere that heavily encourages students to excel and compete, in solid usable subjects and not nonsense subjects like I began to see while I was in college.

Some Asian countries encourage young people to take academics more seriously than ours does. The STEM programs now in existence and hopefully expanding could address this issue, but there are still American students who are going to take subjects and major in fields that aren't going to produce decent jobs, now or in the future.

I think you have a lot of compassion for this age group and the difficulty of adjusting to a changing workplace dynamic, and I respect you for that. There have been a few occasions when I interviewed and was obviously not considered because of my age, even though it is illegal to discriminate on the basis of age.

Job hunting often reminds me of those bison seen in the beautiful Yellowstone winter documentaries...big, heavy, plodding along, spewing vast quanities of steam as they lumber through heavy snow. Job hunting in old age is much like that.

I'm just trying to share a different perspective, not criticize your beliefs.

I could see if someone has a medical reason or a failed business that they owned for hitting a rough patch as that can wipe out one's savings.

There is no reason for the rest of the population to be that broke, it is poor money management. I have seen capable employees with good paying jobs run themselves into debt because they can't stop using their credit cards. Never could understand why the rest of us taxpayers are paying them not to work. If you get welfare and food stamps, why get off the couch? I bet if it was up to the rest of the family to house/feed that person they would be pushing that person out the door to look for work. Even if it means going to school to learn a new trade.

As for outsourcing of U.S. jobs overseas.... there are just as many insourcing of jobs coming into the U.S. Good news rarely make the headlines.

Not to hijack this thread, but we all have different experiences depending where we live.
I see a lot of wealth and then a lot of poverty. Middle class is shrinking. Way too many people around me have been displaced and will never be able to take care of themselves financially. When we had great mfg companies, everyone was gainfully employed and happy. Now I see a bunch of "older" folks unemployed without any prospects.

NOBODY wants to hire older people. Bagging groceries does NOT pay rent. At least not where I live. Many of those jobs you are talking about GardenArtist are FILLED, and the market is tight. The jobs that seem to be available are the ones that are TECH jobs (for under 40), or physical, labor intensive, IMO, too strenuous for people over 50....and THAT is why they are available.

I don't disagree that the middle class is shrinking; that fact has been well documented.

I wouldn't agree with broad assessments, though, such as that "everyone was gainfully employed...". Economics theory doesn't define employment as "everyone", but rather excludes those people who have for whatever reason chosen not to be in the work force. That can include stay-at-home moms, long-term unemployed, and/or those with atittudes and lifestyles not condusive to employment (drug addicts, criminals, etc.).

At one time that group represented about 4% of the working age population; I don't know what it is now. The definition of "full employment" changes.

As I said, I respect your position, but I think it would be more easily understood without broad sweeping allegations, such as "NOBODY wants to hire older people."

Have you in fact read, interviewed or spokenm with everybody so that you can draw that conclusion?

Your points would be more valid and sympathetic, as there is logic and fact in them, but the broad, sweeping all-inclusive generalizations don't support the conclusions made.

That true, it depends on where one lives.... therefore, one has to do like my Dad did back in the 1940's, after college he moved from an one horse town in the mid-west here in the States to a metro area on the east coast to find a career. After working 40 years with that company and retiring at 55 [it was mandatory back then], he found a new career.

My significant other retired at 58 after 35 years with one company, and a year later found a new career and has been with the group for 10 years now.

A few years ago, a company where I worked for over 20 years was eliminating jobs. My job was gone. I was out of work for a year and half, and found a new career at 65.

P.S. If you can't find immediate work, do volunteer work... it looks GREAT on a resume.

Well, Gee, GardenArtist, last time I checked this forum was not a LOGICS CLASS. It goes without saying that "all", "never" absolutes are strong and not 100% accurate statements on this thread, so shoot me.

I'm stating what "I" see around me. I have lived in many regions and can say that the US of A is not uniform in income, job market, Real Estate etc.

As to hiring...I have done HR and could tell you with a 100% certainty that nobody wants to hire older people. There are very few exceptions...for statistics reasons ( to show that they are equal oppty), an occasional special position, etc. In fact there is a lot of politics in hiring people ;0

The OP needs help, and not a Logics lecture.

KayFox, My suggestion is to move your mom closer to downtown or a bus route so she can walk or take a bus to work until she gets on her feet. Perhaps, like someone suggested pay for the first months rent for her so she can get settled.

Your husband is a saint.

Give your mom sixty days to make other living arrangements. There's public assistance out there for her. It's not your job to find it.

Sorry if I sound harsh; but your situation is beyond the pale. A 60-year-old woman is young in the scheme of things. You probably don't really think that, but it's the truth. She needs to take responsibility for her own little self.

Sixty days.

Susie, I bow to your superior wisdom.

Kazzaa I've long suspected that the Queen would secretly love to be able to hop on a bus. A proper Routemaster. The 29 from Victoria to Enfield, perhaps. Top deck seat at the front, swaying on the sharp left hand band at Manor House, the Corgis looking out longingly at Finsbury Park… Ah, what is this life if full of care we can't even get on a bus, eh? But I digress.

Kay, darling, if your mother isn't depressed I have no idea why not. Boy! - has she hit a rough patch. You said it. But here's the thing: it's her rough patch, not yours. There is a HUUUUUUGE difference between asking your nearest and dearest to help you, and expecting them to solve everything for you. Your mother, in case I wasn't clear, is erring towards the latter. And you're letting her get away with it.

The advice above is great about where she can find help. The bit I'd like to reiterate is that SHE needs to find help: you don't do it for her. She's far too young to be dependent on you, and you're far too young to have your life taken over by family responsibilities like this, it's just crazy.

I can understand that she would be prickly and defensive when sensitive subjects that equal "hey mother get your act together" come up; but however harsh that sounds it is what she needs to do. One way of getting her to voice the beginnings of a plan is asking her how she'd like things to go from here. What are her hopes? How is she feeling? What kind of help would she like? Listen, don't talk. Stop solving her problems. [And definitely stop giving her money!]

Bottom line: she can't be any happier with the current situation than you and your husband - you poor babes - are. If you really want to help her, help her start getting her finger out. Good luck, let us know how it's going.

Give her a ride to the social security office and tell her the number of the bus she needs to get back to your apt. You probably will never see her again.
Enlist the help of your landlord to evict her, your apartment is overcrowded. i did that for one of my tenents. the young couple were desperate to get her mother and druggy BF out and they did not budge. Leave of i call the sherif for trespass. They were gone!
i have also had experience of finding work at an older age. i had been a stay at home mom and run a home business with not profit when hubby became sick. having been a nurse in the UK forty years prior that was my choice of field. At the age of 59 having been out of school for so many years I had to take the NCLEX and then find work never having worked in a US hospital. Hospice took a chance on me and the rest is history and I finally retired at age 68.
It is possible but for some people it just is not possible for them to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and that is where society has to step in and help. Kaye's mother may be one of those but it is not he responsibility of her and her husband to make life easy for her and destroy their owm marriage. They are out working all day and she has the run of the place all day but when they get home and need someown time there she is sitting like an elephant on their couch waiting to be fed. Kay start by telling her to have dinner ready when you get home and the housework done. She is not even being pleasant to you, there is no excuse for that behaviour.

YES CM but shed better hang on to her crown jewels going around those bends!! how do you know london so well!! you know the queen was here in Ireland last year ive never seen her so happy and smiling she loved it here!!

From my viewpoint your mother seems to have some mental health problems that are holding holding her back from making progress. She has been through a lot in losing her job,and her home. Those are major life changes alone. While reading your post, felt you were not forthcoming about why the job loss occurred. Though your mother can be called a senior, I don't feel this is 100% an problem of being an elder. I believe you need to get yourself into therapy first in order to cope with and better understand this situation and how to unravel it. You are a very young woman with a lot on your plate.

SuzyQ if the mom was trying to help out and making herself scarce in the evening so daughter and husband could have some privacy in their own home, I'd be a lot more sympathetic to mom's plight. But she's not.

I spent 20+ years in human resources for all kinds of companies all over the US. Do most companies want to hire seniors? Probably not. Why? Because a lot of them (not all, but a lot) are slow, stuck-in-their-ways and not willing to do what it takes to succeed in a job. I have recently volunteered with a local agency helping folks who are out of work to hone their resumes and cover letters and practice their interview skills. The demands/requirements that many seniors put on their job search made their ability to find a job impossible. I'm 63 and know that if I'm searching for a job, I need to keep up with technology, I need to be willing to work evenings and/or weekends, and need to start at the bottom and work my way up. A lot of the people I dealt with didn't have that attitude. Will they be successful in finding a job? Probably not. It's sad our economy is where it is, but it's there and you have to adjust your attitude and behaviors to make it work for you.

As someone else said, volunteering is an excellent way to get your foot in the door of an agency and/or to get some good stories about working and helping others. It doesn't sound like the mom in this case is doing anything to help herself, despite her "young" age. So my sympathy is limited to her daughter and husband, who have gone out of their way to help mom out. Let mom do her fair share to help herself.

Just a point of information, in California Medicaid is known as MediCal, which could be written as medical. So in this case Mom has food stamps and medical coverage. I suggest a good long talk with her doctor about her health, emotional state and if she is able to work now or should look into disability. And get her out of there.

Sounds like you guys made her an offer and she could have made it easier for all. She needs to change her attitude. Do you have any other family members that could take her? Don't give up your life because you love your mother. Good luck
Sandra

If you had to choose between living with your mom and staying married, which would you choose?

I ask, because that is exactly they choice you are making. Find a way to get her out of the house. Assisted living, section 8, whatever. She can live close, but your sofa is way too close for a healthy marriage.

Try talking with her primary car physician.
Call adult protective services in your area. They helpful & WONDERFUL.
How about Disability.

"WE ARE NEVER UPSET FOR THE REASONS WE THINK" ACIM...

i can't believe that she cant get even a minimum wage job. Cashier? Care giver agency looking for companions? If she is physically able, she needs to get with it. Doesn't want to ride a bus? I would say "too bad". You are not responsible for her and she needs to stand on her own two feet. It seems the longer it goes on, the more you are just enabling her.