I have been helping a friend for several months. Initially it was simply to help him place an ad for some home care, and it has since turned into a big demand on my limited free time. He is retired, very low income, lives in a tiny trailer, has back problems/chronic pain (also: conspiracy theorist, smokes like a chimney, has a crazy dog, and has guns all over the trailer). Most home care agencies wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole. I help a few times a week, mostly with driving to get groceries or to the laundromat. I do all of the laundry, and unload all of the groceries. He calls me daily, sometimes multiple times a day, early in the AM and late in the PM, to "visit" and "catch up" and is frustrated that I'm not constantly available. He has a few family members within a half hour drive who he is not close with. He also has unrealistic expectations about his prospects/finances, and expects me to spend hours looking online for something like a farm truck or an antique saddle, neither of which he can afford. Does not have access to or knowledge of computers. I am playing phone tag with our local Elder Affairs agency to try to get him a caseworker. I am emotionally & physically exhausted, and also have (more than) full-time healthcare job in the midst of a another COVID surge. I am asking for help, support, commiseration, suggestions, resources....anything at this point. I am also not going to be in the area forever and when I talked about looking for a new job today, he totally freaked out and said something about trying to move with me and my boyfriend. Help.
It's hard but you need to set boundaries. He is NOT your responsibility. Anything you do for him is a gift. You just can't do it all. Decide what you are willing to do and when and let him know. He might get mad but so be it.
I think you need to alert authorities that they need to do a wellness check on him. As far as you are concerned, figure out what you are willing to do and only do just that. Stop taking multiple calls. Do not jump when he calls because everything in their eyes is an emergency. He may get mad because you say NO but really who cares? I'm sure you had people say no to you in your life....you got over it and he will need to also. Tell him the constant calls are too much...he will try and make you feel bad. He has done this before, this is why he has no family visiting.
"Forty-five percent of people 65 and older have guns in their household, according to a 2017 Pew Research Center survey. But no one tracks the potentially deadly intersection of those groups. A four-month Kaiser Health News investigation has uncovered over 100 cases across the U.S. in which people with dementia used guns to kill or injure themselves or others.
...From news reports, court records, hospital data and public death records, KHN found 15 homicides and more than 95 suicides since 2012, although there are likely many more. The shooters often acted during bouts of confusion, paranoia, delusion or aggression — common symptoms of dementia. They killed people closest to them — their caretaker, wife, son or daughter. They shot at people they happened to encounter — a mailman, a police officer, a train conductor. At least four men with dementia who brandished guns were fatally shot by police. In cases where charges were brought, many assailants were deemed incompetent to stand trial."
Source: https://khn.org/news/dementia-and-gun-safety-when-should-aging-americans-retire-their-weapons
About 2 years ago in the town next to mine, a locally well-known elderly multi-millionaire shot and killed his elderly wheelchair-bound wife and then himself. They think he had depression (or he could have had the dementia).
I'd also add in a call to the local police to keep them abreast of what they may be dealing with should they ever be called out there.
A dear friend's husband was much like your neighbor. He had PTSD from Vietnam (while also considering that to be the greatest time of his life -- go figure), was demanding, wheelchair-bound, and packed enough heat to kill himself, her, their entire neighborhood, and any police that came a-knocking. My friend was terrified.
Fortunately, he had some health issue crop up, and he went into the VA hospital, and she refused to let him come home as he was a danger to everyone and himself. They parked him in a VA skilled nursing unit, and he lived there for another seven years, but at least she was able to separate him from his guns once and for all.
Perhaps the VA might apply here as well? Is he a vet?
It is terrible how being a decent person and trying to help can spiral so quickly out of control. It sounds like your 'leash' is getting shorter and shorter.
I feel for his dog too, who is probably just crazy from his situation
I know it is hard to just up and move or break yourself off from this, it is not going to be easy I would guess. I am sorry you are going through this stress.
But side note, if you do try and break free from this, don't do it in person with all the guns around...
Yep. He is in the 'The world must fix my stuff' stage. Whether he can SEE his issues, take steps to OWN them, DO something about them is 1. Unknown 2. Up to him 3. Not up to you.
You have been a great friend. You helped but now the needs are just too much. Bit the hand & about to take your arm off too..
So. To redefine it back to a friendship & not servitude.
Hey Buddy, did I tell you I got a new job! I'm really happy. Hope you'll be happy for me too. Times like these I need a job eh?
So as I said before, if you need a bit of help with stuff, call that Agency again.
I can visit X (choose day). See you then 😀.
Then stick to that day. Be a buddy that visits, bring a drink, snack whatever. Leave the chores (his chores).
I'd pushes back (he will probs) be honest. Hey mate, just can't do. A good buddy should be allowed to be honest, right?
If you find he really cannot cope - no food, vermin etc - report the scene to APS. If paranoid - get out fast & don't go back. Report his behaviour to APS.
Instead of being grateful it sounds like he wants to guilt trip you. I truly hope the social worker will step in and give him the attention and help he needs. He could be afraid but there are many resources in the community and possibly through church that could help him.
(Just an idea: maybe you “suddenly” develop health or job issues that prevent you from going to his place?)
Best wishes to you. It’s tough being a kind and empathetic person sometimes!