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Both of my 79-year-old parents are mentally ill alcoholics. My sibling and I have been estranged from them for years due to their nasty behaviors and unwillingness to seek help. They are completely isolated and have been left to self-destruct.


They physically fight with one another, frequently fall, injure themselves, can’t cook/don’t eat enough, and now can barely walk and can no longer make it out of the house to pick up groceries. My mom is showing signs of dementia and has other debilitating ailments, and my dad has cancer. They neglect and abuse each other and themselves, and won't get checked out by their doctors or be honest about their drinking habits or accidents.


Unfortunately, they’ve reached a point to where they can’t get by without outside help, and are asking me since I have POA. I can’t even get them to agree to see a doctor, and they fly into a rage when I threaten to send an ambulance. In addition, I am concerned about their behaviors in assisted living and how they’ll treat hired help. Please help, what should I do?

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Why would you threaten to send an ambulance? Why do you need to tell them about the ambulance?

Just send the ambulance. And consider getting rid of POA.
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Lioness18 Feb 1, 2024
Thanks for the reply. Good question, I guess because I realize they are sick and it’s hard for me to turn my back on them now that they want help.

What happens if they no longer have a POA and no one to look after them?
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Stay estranged.

If you & sister have been estranged, how do you come to know the details of your parent's fights, falls, diet etc? Is someone closer reporting?

Call APS. People who are paid to do this will check out their situation & interveen as & when required.
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I think you should surrender your PoA, call APS, and resume your previous state of estrangement.

Not your mess to fix.
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BurntCaregiver Feb 1, 2024
Amen to that, Zippy.
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"since I have POA"

What do you understand your POA obligations to be?
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Lioness,

I realize that this is a heartbreaking situation for you. I’m very sorry that you have been struggling to cope.

Please accept that you don’t have any control over your mom and dad’s behavior. They don’t even have control over it. Alcoholism is a disease.

The only thing that you can control is your response to this situation.

You say in your post to Southernwaver that you don’t want to turn your back on them. You’re not turning your back on them by calling for an ambulance.

EMT’s are trained to deal with all sorts of issues. Let them deal with whatever is going on rather than expecting them to be agreeable with you.

If you don’t want to relinquish your POA and call APS to come in, then at least call an ambulance and allow them to go to the hospital for care. Once they are admitted you can tell them that they are alcoholics. Alcoholics cannot quit cold turkey.

Best of luck dealing with this challenging situation. Also please look into attending AL-ANON. You will meet others who have experienced similar issues and will help guide you in the right direction.

Take care.
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https://www.agingcare.com/articles/the-hidden-dangers-of-elder-self-neglect-146760.htm

It's a long article but I think an excellent one. It explains APS.
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Go to a lawyer and give up POA. Your parents are not going to listen to you . They haven’t cared about their health forever , they aren’t going to start now . Don’t bang your head against the wall .
Call APS.
You and your sibling go to Al-anon . You can’t help those that do not want help . But you and your sibling can find ways to accept that your parents choose to live this way .
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BurntCaregiver Feb 1, 2024
Definitely go to Al-Anon. It is very supportive and helpful.
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Llioness, they don't want help, they want to be propped up by you, so they can continue with the lifestyle they have.

As hard as it is and I know 1st hand, we have to not get sucked into the black hole that our loved ones have chosen. You are their POA that means you make decisions for them when they can not. It DOES NOT mean that you have to become their caregiver, or anything else. Please get yourself educated on what your responsibilities are as their POA. I think every state has the information on their website. A quick search should guide you to the state statutes governing the legal requirements for a POA.

Rremember, they don't want help, just propping up to continue the insanity that they chose.
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BurntCaregiver Feb 1, 2024
Well said, Isthisrealyreal. Truer words have never been spoken or written.
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I’m so sorry for the situation and your parent's life choices. You must have dealt with much pain over this through the years. Please keep reminding yourself that they don’t want help outside of it being on their unwise terms, and that will involve them lashing out at you. No one deserves that. I hope you’ll decide to report their situation and remember that protecting yourself is never wrong
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BurntCaregiver Feb 1, 2024
Never tolerate the lashing out nonsense for one second. Don't take their abuse. Walk away and leave them to it.
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Assisted living won't take them. Not with cancer, alcoholism, falling all the time, can barely walk, and dementia. AL facilities are not nursing homes. They need a nursing home.

Call APS (Adult Protective Services) and have them come out. Tell them ahead of time that they refuse any kind of evaluation or medical care and that they're in danger on their own. Ask the police to do wellness checks too. If the cops see them living dangerously, they will act.

The dementia level will be the deciding factor. People have the 'Right to Rot' meaning they can live in filth and squalor if they are judged to be of sound mind. So, you have to just leave them to it. Let them fail. Hopefully the next fall won't be too serious and they will accept help.

You and your sibling would benefit from joining Al-Anon. I went to Al-Anon for years and the support and understanding you and your sibling will receive from its members is incredible.
Alcoholics are very manipulative to their enablers. Even the ones who don't have nasty personalities and aren't abusive. Like my ex-husband. He was a wonderful and loving man but he knew how to be maipulative to get what he wanted and to maintain the status quo.

You and your sibling are enabling them by propping them up and doing for them and this allows them to behave abusively and continue drinking. They know if they fly into a rage that you and your sibling will fall right in line and obey their commands.

That needs to stop today. Your parents need help. Whether or not the accept it has nothing to do with you or your sibling. Talk to APS. They will help out and can even advise you on how to get yourself removed as POA. Ask the police to do wellness checks on them. The cops will take action if they are elderly, sick, and living unsafely.

Good luck to you.
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ArtistDaughter Feb 1, 2024
Good advice. However, I'm remembering the horrible circumstances with my brother while reading about Lion's situation. We called an ambulance when my brother said on the phone that he fell, couldn't get up, but would not allow us in his house (he hadn't allowed us in for years). He refused the ambulance, then called the police on us. When we explained to the police the situation, they went inside his house, talked to him, and reported back to us that he was fine, sitting in a chair, and in no danger. AND that if we interfered again we would be charged. One month later my brother was in the hospital with heart failure, delusions, an arm turned blue from a clot, and inability to walk from more clots in his legs. Going in his house we found cat and human waste everywhere, a totally ruined bathroom, months of trash buildup in the kitchen, and just the most disgusting situation I'd ever seen or smelled. The beautiful house he had planned and built himself 35 years before was a wreck. He died 4 months later in a nursing home, never coming back from his delusional state of mind. I wasn't POA and had no authority. His daughter decided to leave him alone. He talked to me daily on the phone in the month after he called the police because he didn't know I had been involved in calling the ambulance. He actually somehow sounded okay, as he always had. I spent many days with him in the first nursing home, but the second one wouldn't allow me in because of covid, so I continued daily phone calls. All this while also being there for my mom every day. (I was on leave from work). I see now that APS should have been called, but the police warning stopped my niece from doing anything further, except to get the poor cat out of there. My brother, a talented, athletic, handsome, and established man, chose to drink himself to death. Yes, it was a disease, but with so much addiction in my family I have finally come to realize there is sadly very little we can do to save our loved ones from destroying themselves. Our hearts just have to get broken again and again as we try everything we can think of to do for them.
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Report your parents as seniors at risk to APS.
Whatever you do, do not become involved with them.
You cannot help either mental illness nor alcoholism.

Resign your POA at ONCE by certified mail. As mentally ill alcoholics they are not incompetent. No need to resign through other legal means. As long as you have not taken on the "duties" of a POA for placement and financial management you are not POA in fact. As long as you are not on their accounts you are not POA in fact. RESIGN any possibility of being POA.

I was POA and Trustee for a perfectly wonderful brother, a neat freak who was very organized and controlled and cooperative. Even at that it was a very very difficult job. Without his cooperation it would have been impossible.

You didn't cause your parent's problems. You cannot fix them.
Stay estranged.
Report to APS or do nothing and leave them to reap as they have sown.
I am sorry to sound this cruel. But life is to short to sacrifice your lives on their funeral pyre.
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NOT. YOUR. PROBLEM.

Eventually they will end up in the hospital and it will all solve itself.
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If you read other's stories on this forum you will see that people whose parents have the same issues as yours, minus the alcoholism, are going through a very difficult time. I'm talking about things like falling, mobility issues, malnutrition and cancer.

Parent's tend to be resistant to help, alternating with asking for help. Add alcoholism into that mix and it makes your situation impossible. I have to agree with the others. Give up your POA and let APS take over. As long as they keep drinking you will be banging your head against the wall. I'm very sorry you are going through this. It sounds heartbreaking. But you have the right to save your own life.
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Lioness, your parents have been sick for a long time. It didn't just happen, and none of it is your fault. The ending to their sad story of addiction was foretold long ago. It's nothing new, and it's certainly not individual to them. There are many versions of this heartbreaking tale playing out all over the world, in my neighborhood and yours, rich people and poor people alike.

If I thought there was hope, I'd be the first to advise that you jump right in, take care of your loved ones until they see the light, and everybody walks off into the sunset with their arms around each other and looking forward to the good lives that they're going to have. But I don't believe there is hope, and this is based on personal experience with family members and friends, all of whom made others' lives miserable, caused emotional scars in their loved ones that will never go away, and who kept up their addiction until the bitter end.

Please walk away. That's the best thing you can do for them and for you. And for those of you reading this who have yet to take your first drink or use your first drug, don't. Then no one you know or love will ever be asking OP's question or, like me, answering it in this way.
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Read your POA. It does not mean you become a slave to their care or taking them to doctors. Most POAs just require taking over paying their bills with their own money.
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I posted earlier but adding to my post.

Sadly, I had addiction in my family.

When I was a kid, it wasn’t common for parents to speak to their children about drinking or drugs.

My oldest brother caved into peer pressure and started using drugs which caused a lot of grief for him and our family.

Addiction wasn’t commonly seen as a disease back then. There was a lot of shame attached to anyone who struggled with addiction.

Addiction has a ripple effect and anyone who is involved with the addict will suffer as they watch their family member destroy their life.

We don’t stop loving a person because of the poor choices they have made.

We hate the circumstances because it is a heartbreaking situation. Trust me, I feel your pain.

No one wakes up in the morning and says, “I want to become an addict.” They are trapped and need help to get into recovery.

I am sure that you want to help your parents. My parents desperately tried to help my brother. He would get clean, do well for a while, then relapse. I tried to help my brother as well.

Very rarely can an addict beat their addiction on the first try. It usually takes several attempts before they are able to achieve recovery. Some people will never make it, such as my brother and we have to choose to walk away.

I went to Nar-Anon and AL-Anon for support along with my therapist. As I said earlier, I highly recommend that you go.

Don’t fall into delusional thinking that you can help someone who has a problem that is bigger than they are. It will backfire on you and enable them to continue in their ways. Take a step back and allow someone who isn’t emotionally attached to help. Call APS. This is the kindest thing that you can do for them and yourself.

It’s time for tough love for them and self love for yourself. I wish you peace.
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Lioness,

What do you want to do? Before you make any decisions be clear with yourself on what you can do. What are you comfortable doing?

You can't fix them.

What do you think is going to happen if you don't step in? They are adults and have the right to do what they wish, even if it is destructive to themselves.
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As others have said, I would fear there is not much you can do

can you explain this more: "Unfortunately, they’ve reached a point to where they can’t get by without outside help, and are asking me since I have POA"

So they cant get by without outside help, so what are they asking you for? To arrange outside help?
Also, how much if anything have you done so far as POA? have you paid bills/ helped with financial things? Or as others have asked, have they named you as POA but you have not acted yet? The answer to this does make a different in how easy or complicated it would be to get out of being POA
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