I am my MIL's main caregiver for 12 hours each day until my husband gets home. She believes she is being held captive against her will. She recently began physically abusing me by slapping my hand when she wasn't happy with lunch or pulling my hair. Now the abuse has become very violent. Please understand that she is 94 years old and by no means frail. She outweighs me by a good 100 pounds and is freakishly strong when she's angry. She is on medication and recently levels have been increased to help calm her. Unfortunately it's still not enough. She has tried several times to break windows out or she tries to plow through doors like a linebacker. Once I get into the area to stop her from breaking windows she attacks me. I've had bloody gouges from her finger nails on my face and arms. Multiple bruises from her kicking me and recently a broken toe from her slamming the door so hard into my foot that it tore my toenail off. We tried calling 911 just to get her checked in the hospital but are told to pick her up and bring her back home. We're told to contact her doctor for more meds. Even with the increased levels of meds, she still is aggressive and really strong. Our home care group will no longer come because of her violence towards them. I feel like I'm going to die before she does. I'm terrified to be alone with her but we no longer know what to do. Please help.
When she is in hospital, suggest they check for UTI's
If they ask anything. Tell them you want her evaluated for Palliative or Hospice Care. Why? because we want to be evaluated...
Make sure she has living trust, DNR, PO.LST in order.
CG stopped new medication, and we're trying an herbal supplement and she's finally calm. Please continue telling Dr. They need to help you BOTH find a solution. You don't deserve to be continually abused. Put your safety and well-being first ASAP. Hugs 🤗.
Call your Office on Aging or a County Board of Social Services and speak with the social worker
Your in danger and your mil needs specialized treatment. If they can’t control her behavior with medication she belongs in a psychiatric facility.
Shes a danger to your family and herself,
Dont let this go call 911 when she acts out
I can’t believe it’s not taken more seriously at the hospital
If your a danger to self or others you need psychiatric care
Good luck.
She needs a major medication change and/or needs to move ASAP.
If she comes back home, you will have to secure the home, as you would for a two year old for everyone’s safety. Magnetic locks on all Cubbard doors, locks on all inside doors, for your security, knives, sharp objects, breakables if any kind put away, we even rented a small
rental unit, to make the house safe. My Mother was put on
an anti anxiety/ antidepressant, Celexa, Seraquil, an anti psychotic, 10 mg melatonin 3 times daily, a sleep pill, Trazadone, and an emergency tablet to calm her, if necessary. We call them vitamins to keep her health and younger. She went from being violent, to calm and more pleasant. Medicade paid for a helper Parttime, so we could leave the house. You must take care of yourself and spouse first, before you can give to her, get in a good support group, they offer many resources.
If he dismisses it or doesn't plan to do anything about it, then LEAVE when he is home with her. Let HIM deal with it, it is HIS mother. DON'T fall for any excuses or blame laid on you. Stand firm that either she goes or you do, and follow through if you have to. Your life may depend on it.
When the next transfer to hospital is done, what is the barrier to Harmony refusing to allow discharge home? Her own thoughts she must continue? Lack of confidence to stand up to hospital staff?
If she DID refuse discharge, would her DH overrule & allow MIL home? Or would he lay on the guilt & pressure?
A solution will work best if the OP & her husband are united. Best plan: a loving couple working together, acknowledging they need more help & seeking it.
Alternative plan: Harmony has to leave. Leave MIL, home & marriage for her own safety. It does come to this in many households - before the husband opens his eyes.
If your MIL has Alzheimer's, she is likely experiencing BPSP, behavioral and phycological symptoms of dementia. Her GP should check her for things that might be causing or contributing to distress, such as UTI, joint pain, constipation, thyroid, etc. She should have an MRI. Once such potential issues are eliminated, a number of antipsychotic drugs are often prescribed. This may be what you are referring to when you say, "she is on medication". You need to know what she is taking, the dosage and whether she is actually taking it as prescribed.
Your MIL cannot control her behavior, parts of her brain are malfunctioning due to the disease. She is as miserable as you are. The various drugs prescribed in the US sometimes work, sometimes don't. They are not intended for dementia behavior issues and can have concerning side effects.
Your journey is just beginning. Things will get much more complicated if/when your MIL becomes incontinent, unable to communicate, unable to prepare food or eat on her own. The aberrant behavior does not stop.
This is extremely controversial, particularly in the US, where it is Federally illegal. Research is being conducted around the world on cannabis and it's ability to mitigate these behaviors. A synthetic form, Sativex, is being studied in nursing homes in Israel. It's being used for MS patients as well. Availability of cannabis products are limited in the US and I don't think Sativex is known or being prescribed. There are a variety of full spectrum cannabis products available in some legal states.
I'm using a tincture for my wife who has advancing Alzheimer's. It's 1 to 1 THC and CBD, not the hemp CBD sold on convenience store counters. I use a very small dose, 0.25ml THC / 0.25ml CBD. It can be put on food or placed under the tongue. Each dose lasts about 3.5hrs. This has changed her life. Upbeat, happy, compliant, engaged, singing to music and speaking in complete sentences at times. A months supply costs about $75/oz where I am. There are edibles, vapes, etc. After a year of trying alternatives, the tincture works well in my situation. The dose and administration can take some experimenting for each individual. The alternative is pharmaceutical restraint with the potential side effects, and perhaps, minor reduction in the patients anxiety.
I'm not a beginner. I've been a full time caregiver for 5 years. We have been through clinical trials, studied and tried various supplements, taken the typical pharmaceuticals prescribed, seen numerous physicians and neurologists. My wife was the picture of health, setting national track records in her 50's, an NCAA hall of famer and a former corporate executive. We are not the type to fall for "snake oil" and there is plenty of that out there for those of us that are desperate for help. It was with great caution and trepidation that I tried the cannabis. It was an instant game changer for us. A year later, I find I need a slight increase in dosage and I need to be on time, every 3.5hrs.
Good luck, you have a lot of work ahead starting with the paperwork, informing your husband and family and coming up with a plan for the future that doesn't put the burden completely on you. At this point, somebody needs to take the reins, make the gravity of the situation fully understood and look at the issues without the emotional involvement you currently feel. If you can get the behavior under control, things will be easier.
The important thing to remember is that this is your MIL and the mother who raised your husband. Dementia or Alzheimer's is a terrible disease that attacks the mind and completely changes a sane person. This is not the same MIL, but her body and mind taking over by a disease. Please keep this in mind. I have done caregiving also with my Mom, who had a stroke and some cognitive issues that come and go with her stroke symptoms. I remind myself daily, that this is still my Mom who l love and she loves me and I want to do what's best for her and myself. I'm still caring for her and will continue to until the point that I physically or even mentally can't do that properly anymore. As with any patient with a cognitive disease, they didn't ask for this either. Their mind slipping away, being in a black fog of not remembering. It is horrible on their side too.
Everyone is right about checking on medications and also how different medications react to each other and the diet. Sometimes, switching up medications and diets make a huge difference.
Many people, too many really, think POAs will authorize you to place someone in a facility. Nope. Nope. NOPE. These documents authorize you to stand in for the person when they cannot, for making financial or medical decisions, for signing paperwork, etc. You can certainly sign all the paperwork for the facility, but the one thing you CAN'T do with POA is make someone move against their wishes.
I am not a legal person, but this happened to us (it is literally the reason I ended up on this forum!) We did up all the happy legal documents way back in 2006. There were some updates/changes we had to get done when mom developed dementia. The EC atty took her aside and made his own assessment that she was still capable enough to sign the new documents (BTW, NO updates to the DPOA and MPOA.) Then we tried to let mom stay in her own place by starting aides 1 hr/day to check on her. Plan was to increase the time and care provided as needed, but less than 2 months into this, she refused to let them in. Plan B - move.
When bros found out how much MC cost (I knew the ballpark for our area as I did my research on dementia and care facilities!), they were half inclined to take her in! AHAHAHA. SHE wouldn't consider moving anywhere, ESPECIALLY not AL (although this had been in her plans before dementia.) Anyway, the bottom line is the EC atty told me we COULD NOT force her to move and we WOULD have to seek guardianship. Problem there is the facility chosen would NOT accept committals. We never did apply for guardianship. YB came up with a fake letter from hospital services (she'd just been to ER for leg injury, bad infection.) She was mad as a hatter, but she went with the bros.
Despite dementia, despite POAs, we cannot force someone to do anything they refuse to do! I have heard staff in her MC place mention this as well. If a resident says NO, no means no, until the staff can coax them into agreement, make them think it's their idea!
I ran into this myself the other day. EMS called from facility, saying mom was refusing transport. Sorry dude, but even though I have POA, and even if I give ok to take her, if she is refusing, what are you going to do, strap her down and force her to go? Not likely.
I gave ok to take her to the ER and do testing IF they can convince her to go. No hospitalization. YB agreed. She ended up not going, got mad at the nurse for calling EMS and tried to kick her!! (she's 97, overweight, but wheelchair bound after refusing to stand and walk, long time high BP even with meds, dementia, etc - I saw no point in forcing anything.)
Bottom line is NO, POAs do NOT give anyone authority to move someone. Guardianship would be needed, but unless/until the person is declared incompetent by the court, you can be denied or only given limited oversight.
This type of patient requires a good mix of highly trained staff, the right meds & a safe environment. Most families would struggle & most family homes are full of potential weapons (little old ladies with their nail scissors hidden in their hand, little old men with the butter knives - seen it many times.
Tell them you can no longer keep her safe in your home and refuse to have her return to your home..
The next time you send her for evaluation, when they call you to pick her up, quote safe discharge law in your state to them and refuse. Document who you speak with and ask for supervisor and explain to them also and refuse to pick her up or have someone send her home.
Why not contact a lawyer and have him or her investigate it with a possible law suit for reckless endangerment on your behalf.
I'm wondering if you press charges against her would the system intervene and give her the help she needs?
I know you may not want to but I know you are tired of begging for help.
Does she act the same way towards your husband or just you?
You should deffiently get a hold of the Dr again and tell him exactly what's going on and that he needs to try another med or a stronger sedative.
Sad and last resort. But You might have to start using restraints.
Or, if she can get out of bed to break windows and physically attack you, then she should be able to go to the bathroom by herself and eat by herself , ect am I correct?
You should board up the Bedroom window where she can't break it and keep her bedroom door locked except when you deliver her food.
Her bedside toilet pail can be emptied by your husband.
In the meantime while you're having to be in the room, keep your distance from her.
You may try playing soothing music in her room that she use to like and have a TV for her to watch mounted up on the wall like in a Hospital Room.
Better that either the OP leave and let hubby deal with this s**tshow, or have her placed in a facility that is equipped to handle the MIL's behavior.
Unfortunately sometimes it just isn't possible.
What do you want to happen? The right treatment so MIL can remain calm & you can continue your care role? Or do you want MIL to be placed in a care home? Do you want your husband to acknowledge the problem.
And this is a very serious problem. Please stand up for yourself. Call EMS to have MIL removed for psych evaluation immediately. If you belong to a church, please seek guidance there asap too.