Like many here, I grew up with a narcissistic mother who was emotionally abusive, controlling, and without boundaries throughout my life. She's now in her 80s. I've somehow managed to keep her at arm's length with lower contact in recent years, even though I live not too far away. My only sibling moved out of the country many yrs. ago, and visits once a year. So me, my husband, and my adult child are the only family here. My mother has suffered strokes this past year. She lives in an independent living apartment, and was fortunate to have recovered mostly. She does have some mild-mod dementia, some physical limitation, and her behavior has gotten a bit more erratic and forgetful. She's one who can seem very normal to acquaintances, but she is NOT normal. She is very mean and manipulative to me, even though my husband and I have helped her immensely this past year. I understand that this is her narcissistic disorder, now made even worse since she's lost all of her filter. I have now backed off more from the in-person helping, but I try to help with things from afar, like her bills, taxes, medical scheduling, shopping deliveries, etc. (she can get transportation from her facility). This backing off I did to protect my sanity has sure dialed up her anger!
The biggest issue I'm dealing with now is that she is wanting to drive again (no way is she safe to drive, we have taken her keys), and she is spending quite a bit of money with online shopping. I've tried to discuss this with her, but she dug in and started accessing her financial accounts and spending even more. My main goal is to protect her money so she can stay where she is, and be able to move up to assisted living if that becomes necessary. I'm terrified that she's going to do something very stupid with the very large sum of money that she has sitting in her regular savings acct. The additional complicating factor is my sibling. Sibling is the "golden child", and doesn't have a lot of money. Mom has given sibling money over the years. Sibling can't stand to live around mom (we're on the same page there!), but sibling behaves lovey dovey to mom to stay in her good graces.
I do not have POA, nor do I think I WANT POA. Mom would never give it to me willingly, and she does not have a formal dementia diagnosis as she refused to return to neuro for the testing. Yes, I could walk away. I'm actually getting ready to move about 300 miles away. I'm very concerned about filial responsibility, even though I have read that it's rarely invoked. I can't even slightly fathom being forced to pay for the care of an abuser that blew her money irresponsibly while all I could do is watch. And I don't know that I can trust sibling to help or not, as they do have an interest in her money, and tend to agree with and affirm her questionable decisions. It's such a sad situation to be dealing with. What to do here? I literally feel like I have PTSD dealing with her! Is there a way to legally protect myself preemptively in this type situation where I can see a potential train wreck coming?
Good Luck
You move 300 miles. You deserve a life without Mom. Block her calls. Do not give the PO change of address. It will go public. I did this with Moms mail and thought "good no more junk mail because PO only sends on first class". Nope, started getting junk mail to my address with her name. PO said it was not them. Utlities said it was not them. But somehow junk mail got her address. Only give ur address to those who need it or you want to have. Do not give it to your sibling. But I would stay in contact.
If you are not POA you have nothing to say about mom's spending.
If her doctor has not said she is unfit for driving then technically she is still able to drive until the DMV and her doctor says she can't. (I know scary right?!)
You are not responsible for her decisions.
If you do not want POA then your sibling would be POA if mom decides to appoint one. If not then when it comes to making those decisions your sibling would have to become mom's Guardian. There are a lot of stipulation to that and the Court and the lawyers keep an eye on what is going on with the Wards funds and personal wellbeing.
You're wise to know what you can do, what you can't and what you will and won't do.