I hestitate to write this post because all of the advice has been given to me. Disengage. Delete messages. Change phone number. Let mother solve her own problems. Call police if she shows up.
We have tried for over 1.5 years to get her make a better decision, as have the rabbis, temple people, hotel people. She will not do anything but wake up and call me 5 times a day (350 blocked phonecalls), screaming and crying that I am a murderer.
Recognizing that she is ill, tried to get her a caregiver who could get her to a state where she could function. Tried to get her to seek help. STarted by sending her pictures of houses that we would buy her despite her terrible parenting and leaving the family at age 13. Terrible mother. Lifelong anxiety and narcissist.
If there is any advice I have missed, please let me know. Being told I am a murderer for standing by, when we've tried every day to do something but will not bring her near us or my son as we know how she acts and we know she wont' respect boundaries. Recall she won't settle down. Her list of demands for me is not only to be loved, but to fix her life, love her, feed her, nourish her, give her purpose. fix her face, get her to do yoga, go on walks with her, take her to temple, fix her teeth, get her massages, get her hair implants, help her start a business (all of which I have tried for decades). She writes horrible things like "would you rather I be murdered in Israel?" "You are murderer for standing by and watching me die." Police call won't do anything. Neither will Baker Act. I don't see how this ever recovers. I don't see how we dismiss the 3,000 emails showing her views of the world. On top of that she continues to regret her life and comment about how she shouldn't have married my dad, had children when she was young - all of these add insult to injury. I am really trying to not take people's time, but once a quarter, I feel like this isn't stopping. I guess you say that I have allowed it to continue. My mother is one of the worst cases of narcissism as someone has said, and she won't stop. I can delete, delete, delete, delete, but it is not so easy. I do get on with my day, but the weight is always there.
She wouldn't even take an iPad we offered. Wouldn't take the care giver. Told the caregiver to take her to buy a gun to shoot herself and then caregiver wouldn't go back.
She has a hoarding issue and can't spend her money.
So, yes, continue to delete and delete.
Hangs up on every phonecall. Won't call a doctor.
Won't take any of the help offered. People in Florida are now tiring of her. Rabbi has met her 60 times. She emails them daily too, but I am the only one being stalked.
Anything else to do but delete, delete, delete?
Like many people who come here with relationship issues with family members, you seem to be hoping someone will have the perfect words or magical phrase that will cause your mom to have a sudden and complete epiphany; to realize what she has put you through from childhood was wrong, that she will fall at your feet and beg for forgiveness, and you will all go off into the proverbial sunset and live happily ever after.
There is no such animal. Those words only exist in Hallmark made-for-TV movies.
You say "She emails them daily too, but I'm the only one being stalked". Why do you suppose that is, I wonder? Because you rise to the bait each and every time. She does it to get a reaction, and she is successful Every. Single. Time.
It's not OCD that you're suffering from. You are in a co-dependent relationship with your mom. We see it. Your friends and acquaintances see it. Your MOM'S friends and acquaintances see it. Your husband sees it. Your SON sees it. You seem to the be only one who can't.
And here's something even harsher - you are going to lose everyone in your life as well if you keep this up and don't seek REAL help and a REAL solution. What do you think your husband and son are trying to say when they tell you they wish you would stop? How long do you think they can stand by and watch this destroy you while you do nothing concrete to stop it? It is going to get to the point where it is going to become too painful for them to witness, and out of their own sense of self-preservation, they are going to have to walk away.
You need to find a psychiatrist that specializes in co-dependent relationships and undergo some seriously heavy therapy. It's not going to be an easy journey. You might struggle with this so long as your mom remains alive. But if you don't take real and concrete steps to disentangle yourself from this dangerous and damaging relationship you have with your mom, you're going to likely end up as alone as she feels she is.
I do, sincerely, wish you the best.
I've been told I'll be better off when she is dead since 1998.
I am the only one being stalked because I am the only daughter she wants to be near and I live in San Francisco - which is a NICE city. I have not been nice to her one day in 1.5 years on purpose to push her away. I have tried to get her to make a good decision, but I have not been nice.
I don't like her. I don't want to spend time with her. I never have. I do just pity this pathetic person who gave birth to me - but more than pity, I don't want to be inundated with her problems every day. I can delete, but it's hard to ignore.
So what?
She says you are a murderer.
So what?
You set the boundaries. She can break them all she wants. Just don't respond, your OR your husband.
The POLICE have told you that her threats are just manipulation. What more "permission" do you need to stop responding?
She will continue to try to contact you. Just stop responding, reading, reacting.
Are you seeing a therapist to help you with this? You never answer that question.
So, back to the leaves on a stream exercise.
The murderer is because I leave her to die. She write insane things like "it will be hard to prosecute, but you are a murderer to leave a mother to die."
The one interesting point that does save me is that I do have a sister. All of her comments about what daughters should do somehow don't apply to her because my sister is a bit low-class and that's not the crowd my mom wants. My mom always wanted to be beautiful and famous.
She looks at Suzanne Somers and feels such jealousy. She is jealous she had a miserable life.
"You are the only one who can save my life!!!! Your a murderer!!!!!" plays in my head although I know that I did more than most would have done.
What Is Codependency?
Codependency refers to a complex emotional and behavioral condition that affects a person’s ability to have a healthy and mutually satisfying relationship. Codependency can affect a wide range of relationships including parents and children, siblings, friends, significant others or co-workers. It is not uncommon for the dependent party to additionally suffer from either a chronic mental illness or an addiction.
Relationships formed through codependency are often characterized as abusive, one-sided or emotionally destructive.
Signs of Codependency
Signs, symptoms and indicators of codependent behavior can include:
Poor boundaries with others
Low-self esteem
Caretaking
Obsessions
A need for control
Difficulty making decisions
Trouble identifying or communicating thoughts, feelings or needs
Chronic anger or strong, emotional reactions
An extreme need for approval or recognition
Denial of problems
Anxiety or fear about being rejected, judged or abandoned
Intimacy or relationship issues
Lying
I don't know if you are seriously this clueless, if you get some sort of perverse joy out of this dysfunctional, destructive relationship, or you're making all of this up for a cheap thrill. But I'm done wasting my time with this nonsense. If you can't - or won't - see that it's primarily YOUR behavior that has to change for this situation to rectify itself, then there's really nothing left to say.
And in the chance that all of this IS real, then I feel tremendously sorry for your husband and your son, especially your son. After all, your husband had a choice to not get involved with you, but your son has no choice in this whatsoever.
It really is time for you to grow up and be a better mom to your son, you are no different then your own batchit crazy mom at this point. Do you really want your family to implode because you can't grow up and cut this crazy, EVIL thing to the curb?
This IS the point, and you SHOULD care about the phone bill.
Not the ***monetary*** cost. This phone is costing you way, way more than just money. By continuing to pay it, you are signaling to your mother that you're NOT willing to cut ties. Not only that, but YOU'RE PROVIDING HER WITH AND FINANCING ONE OF THE TOOLS SHE'S USING TO CONTINUE TO HARASS YOU!
Do you know how crazy that is? Would you hand a gun to someone who was trying to rob you at knifepoint and tell them to use the gun instead because you're trying to keep them from harming you?
Remember what I said about strangers and indifference? Would you pay for a stranger's phone?
Have you sought help yet for this co-dependency? If mom is serious about moving to San Fran - and, quite frankly, if the hotels in FLA are too expensive, how does she propose to pay for living in San Fran, which I believe is the single most expensive place in all of the U.S.A. - you had better get help for this before she arrives, or you won't even have the narrow cushion of distance to offer you some semblance of protection.
Yes mom may get another phone with her own money but at least OP won't be financing her own abuse with it.
Until OP completely and fully cuts off the financial spigot this is going to continue until one of them is dead.
OP your mother is a parasite and a leech she will survive without the money you are giving her.
You know what to do. You just don’t want to do it.
Just like I can’t send you courage , You can’t fix your mother . Just stop.
"Anything else to do but delete, delete, delete?" No, nothing else to do.
You are a grown up. You will have to take responsibility for your choice to engage your mother.
PS: If you didn't already take my advice to read the memoir by Liz Sheier called Never Simple, about her attempts to intervene for her mentally ill mother for decades to no avail, do so now.
So the consensus for what OP should do is as follows:
1. Stop paying on your mother's phone. It will get shut off and mom can get a phone with her own money that she is greedily hoarding away.
2. Completely and 100% fully cut off ALL financial support to your mother. Not one more dime should be given to her.
3. Call FBI and report her for stalking interstate. Though I get why the authorities won't take you seriously since you are funding this mental patient every single month.
If you can't or won't do these 3 things then I guess one can conclude that you actually enjoy all of this negative attention from mom, after all it is the most attention she has paid you for your entire life as her daughter.
She doesn't stalk her other children because they don't give her money. Think about that. No money = no stalking.
No money does not equal no stalking. This isn't about money.
We offered her more money and to buy her a house. She doesn't want the money. She feels panicked and truly believes that I am the only one who can save her. She sends emails to the rabbi and local community people too. ONly begging them to call me.
You made a sick conclusion. I don't want my mother in jail as I would be afraid of what she would do when she gets out of jail. I also don't want her in jail. This also is not arrestable. We've talked to police multiple times.
I don't want or need my mother nor any attention. That is just sick thinking and if you were trying to make a point, it is wrong.
Not being willing to cut her off and maintain one line of communication is a judgment that it is the best thing for my family.
I have a thriving business, doting son and husband and I would be fine with no mother in my life. Calling FBI will do nothing. Filing a harassment order won't do anything.
And she doesn't stalk my sister because my sister was a crack addict and is low-class and lives in St. Louis. She doesn't want her life. She wants mine. Nothing to do with the money. She isn't asking for any money. She is panicked and doesn't see a good life ahead and I believe had a narcissist collapse.
“ I want her to live in a nice condo on the water make friends …”
If I were to threaten suicide , cyber stalk you, tell you that the world owes me, and tell you that you are the only one that can help keep me alive …….
Will you buy me a condo on the water ??
I’d really like one .
Do you see how ridiculous this is ??