My stepfather won't let my mother have a life and ruins my day if she tries to get away while I caretake for him.
I have many questions these days, however this question is about my stepfather "with dementia", pertaining to my mother. Today started off great because his son and his sons best friend came down early this afternoon to put together the new TV they bought us all for Christmas together. My mom had an actual day to herself to go do what she loves and headed off. My stepbrother and friend took him out to see a movie....etc.
They came home and watched the end of a football game then they had to head back home an hour away. I'm still here to be with him and watch out for him....etc, and my mother is still out at her auction she likes to go to. I called her up to let her know that my stepbrother had left, and she explained to me how much longer she expected to be at the auction. I informed Joe (my stepfather) made sure he had all he needed and had a channel on TV he liked. I proceeded to my room and fell asleep for about 30 min. and then was awoken to Joe asking and apologizing but would I call my mother to see where she was. I must have told him 100 times where she was, however it didn't matter in his mind of course. He was saying things like he was going to have his sister come and get him (which isn't possible), he then proceeded to ask me if she sounded like she had been drinking which she doesn't even do. He also accused her of being with an old boyfriend he said she met up with I again said no Joe she's at the auction and she will be home very soon. He wouldn't sit down to watch TV or anything else other than obsess over when she would be home. He kept having me call her. He was talking so much nonsense that was offensive to me about my mother. I understand it's his brain and I don't get upset with him but I do get frustrated and in a bad mood. Ok, so she gets home and his whole demeanor like she had never been gone.....after what he just put me through! My poor mother isn't allowed to have a life which is not ok. Anyone else with these issues and any suggestions?
But, see, she enabled this too by saying yes. Yes to all these annoying 1970s behaviors that he once had, like yelling upstairs for Mom to get him supper in his recliner. In the 1980s, she almost left him, but did not. Now she is just resigned to helping.
If your father doesn't have declining ADL's or dementia as you're saying, then why is anyone paying him any attention whatsoever?
Is seems to me what you and your family have on your hands is a Senior Brat. The grandson's response to this behavior and everyone else's should be:
'Shut the hell up. Nobody cares.'
This has been my Go-To response in many caregiving situations. Not all of course, but many. The ones where an elder was still capable and possessing independence but wanted to be a senior brat or was instigating because they want someone to fight with. You, your mother, and your family should try this response sometime. It works.
Then completely ignore him. Your mother needs to start ignoring him too. Let him get his own food and help himself if he's still able to.
There can be no more "he kept having me call her". The demented elder cannot be allowed to be in charge of a situation anymore. You do not call her. You do not give his delusions or the asinine rambling nonsense that accompanies them any validation whatsoever. You answer him a few times that she went out and will be back soon. Then completely ignore any line of questioning about it. If he keeps repeating over and over again and starts up with the outlandish nonsense about her drinking or being out with an old boyfriend, tell him that you've already told him where she was and do not ask you again. If you have to repeat this a hundred times over, do it but do not call her again for him.
If you're planning on being a caregiver for an elderly person especially one with dementia, you're going to have to learn how to ignore with love when it is safe to do so. You're going to have to learn how to take control of a situation and remain in control of it.
This is often hard to do if the elder is a parent or a parent figure to you. You will sometimes have to be a bit stern with him.
You are saying that what he says doesn’t “bother” you, but then saying that what he says is “offensive” to you. If so, that’s on you, not on him. It’s a waste of your time to be frustrated and in a bad mood
His behavior is the way people with dementia talk and think and act.
Your job is to learn to accept what he does and says as products of a broken brain, and not related to what you do or how you feel.
It's good that your mom is able to get out to auctions that she loves and get away from the grind of the endless questions and repetitive behaviors that go along with dementia. It's a frustrating and difficult situation for both of you, I know, so I hope you can figure out a few techniques to deal with Joe a bit better. Definitely do NOT call your mom when he asks you to; the key is to keep him distracted from the constant questions and requests he makes of you, and lead him onto another diversion like a TV show, a snack or sorting nuts & bolts you put out for him on the table.
Wishing you the best of luck!
This really helped me understand what was going on with my mom who has Alzheimer's dementia--it applies to many of the other dementias as well. http://www.dementiacarestrategies.com/12_pt_Understanding_the_Dementia_Experience.pdf
You both might want to check out the Alzheimer's spouse & caregiver forum--like this forum, there are a lot of kind people there who have seen a lot, and have excellent advice and are happy to read a caregiving rant. There's a lot of threads about how to cope with behaviors and caregiving demands, and the choices to make as a caregiver. One option for stepdad might be to find a local adult daycare or have an aide come in to either take your dad out, or do some of the housework so your mom can have a break. Another option might be to think about a dementia focused assisted living or group home, or memory care--lots of resources at the website...
https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx
Here's a good list of the stages & behaviors seen in Alzheimer's, but they can be common with other dementias too--not sure which one your stepdad has...you may recognize some of these
https://tamcummings.com/stages-of-dementia/
Teepa Snow has excellent videos on the changes that people with dementia experience.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5QMeQpkPhA
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL2E2lPBsUeBjA1Utglo8q6yANAijEf8cX
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cZTgG6kDjs
Good luck,
My only suggest is that you get a good read up on dementia, so that you will know that this will be typical behavior for stepdad in future, or that similar incidents are bound to happen. If you find it too taxing, too disturbing, you may not be able to take your place at the helm when your Mom needs just a little time off. But I hope you will. I understand how hard it must be, but given THAT, she has to do it all the time.
The thing about his asking if she had gone out drinking is kind of cute; at least he doesn't think she has another boyfriend (tho that TOO may come!). Best wishes of the new year.
The time may be drawing closer when your Mom can no longer care for him alone at home. And where others cannot care for him in her absence. So time here is limited and is precious. Best of luck going forward.
Meds can help enormously with the agitation and anxiety that is often present in dementia.
The kids are all ready to do this. However, my mother isn't. At the end, it was her decision only--they haven't given anyone POA nor do they have dementia or really chronic illness.
The niece didn’t visit for a couple of weeks and the delusion was forgotten.
Seems like a fair enough question to me.
Yes, his neediness and demands will "ruin your day," but that's a lot of what caretaking involves. It sounds like you do not have to do this every day, so do your best to accept that when it's "your turn," your time and energy will be very much taken up by your stepfather's needs.