My sister made care decisions for my mom behind my back, isn't it her responsibility now? I need honest opinions please.
My mother has been a burden for her daughters all her life.
Things got worse when I was 23, newly married and pregnant. She discovered my father had a lover, so the bomb fell on me and my youngest sister who was 13 at the time (she has since passed away). We have had to deal with all my mother's neurotic episodes, which seemed psychotic, but weren't because she knew very well when to stop if there were strangers around, such as at the hospital for example when she was sent for one of her fits.
She was on my back for almost 20 years, and I was in constant anxiety because of her. She spent her time picking on my children they couldn't do anything. I was too scared of her reactions to defend my kids!
Over the last 25 years or so she has been living beside my sister who made herself a little house in my parent’s property, she's right next door. I live 15 km away and I'm totally dependent on public transportation which is non-existent on weekends. For the last 25 years or so I have been the family yo-yo having to go sleep at my mother's house almost every single weekend and now I'm tired/exhausted of it!
For the last 8 years we have struggled with the demise of my elderly parents, first it was my father who already passed away 8 years ago, and my mother has been an eternal issue because of her Nazi, rotten personality.
She has been bedridden for 20 months after breaking all her right side and refuses to go to a nursing home. My sister has always given her support on this decision but expected me to be there half the time which I do not do. My mother must weigh a hundred kilos by now and we must do absolutely everything for her. In the beginning of her fall she was called to a nursing home and my sister said no without consulting with me, I would have said yes of course. My sister lives a life of guilt ever since her youth and tries to drag her guilt onto me, which I have been fighting off, but I still feel anxiety because she is always complaining about the situation. She has outside help in the morning and a woman who goes there for the afternoon, but she gives my mother breakfast from 10:00 a.m. on because that's when the hygiene women come over and sit up my mother on the bed.
My question is if the decision was made by my sister to keep my mother at home when she knew that I had been saying ever since the fall that she needed to be placed. She also made the decision behind my back, isn't it her responsibility now?
She confuses the word guilt for compassion and always uses that as her excuse, but I know that there was a family event many years ago which for sure has made her carry all that guilt. It had to do with my younger sister (who passed at the age of 47) and my guilty sister suspected that there was an affair going on between her husband and my other sister. Knowing how my living sister thinks she must have wished some harsh stuff on my other sister therefore creating a lot of the guilt she's carrying. I would never even bring this up to her because she has a vicious response system.
My youngest sister passed away about 10 years ago and I'm talking about the sister who lives beside my mother.
Thank you,
I hope this isn't too confusing.
17 Answers
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I've watched for the last 10 years as my Dh and his sibs bend over backwards to please their difficult mother who does nothing for herself. The kids are, somehow weirdly, terrified of making her unhappy.
A psychiatrist would have a field day with these 3.
They FINALLY got tired enough to place her in a lovely ALF. And surprisingly, to them, she DIDN'T DIE as a result. That was always the reason she couldn't be placed.
Made no sense to me, for sure.
They were able to prop her up for the last year only b/c there were 3 of them and they were being a very fine stool to hold up the problem. OB finally just crashed and said "I'm done. I can't do this". Very quickly, DH and his YS got on board. It was only 2 weeks from the first talk of a ALF to the day they moved her in.
My DH's comment to me, the day they moved her was "We should have done this 5 years ago. "
You CAN step away and maybe you should, That's up to you. I personally stepped out of doing anything for my MIL 4 years ago and have not seen nor spoken to her in that time. And you know what? It's fine.
I wish you the best of luck--you've got several soap operas going on at once!
1. You do not have to help, regardless of what anyone did or decided before.
2. Neither does she.
Just because you (or her) cares for a day or a year or 10 years doesn’t mean you (or she) must continue to volunteer. I figure it’s like a bad relationship, each day you stay in it, you’re choosing it AGAIN. Choose what works for YOU (if that’s to involve helping a sibling, ok…if help means helping her see she doesn’t have to be involved, ok…if the livable outcome for you is to let it all go, ok.) .
Situations change. Minds change. What seemed like a good idea at the time maybe was not the best choice.
No one CREATES guilt in another person. We should have no guilt for situations we did not create and we cannot fix.
You are in need now of a great deal more psychological help and counseling than any Forum can give you. Forums tend to give "sympathy" for the abused, but we are not qualified to do a lot more.
Please get yourself help so you can recognize that you are now a grownup.
Whatever your mother "did to you" is done, but you are now a grownup and must assume responsiblity for your own choices and your own actions.
To care for someone is has been and continues to be all of her life ABUSIVE is to become a martyr to that person. While martyring can lead to Sainthood it's a really bad job description.
Please get help for yourself, and by that I mean professional help, so that you can stop circling the habitual paths that are leading to your own misery.
I wish you much luck and improved mental health and thinking about all of this.
Your mom has had her life. It sounds like not a very special one, but LIKE ALL ADULTS she is partially responsible for that.
This is YOUR LIFE. As an Atheist I believe it may be the only life you WILL get. Don't waste it in sadness and anger.
Could your sister’s real reason to keep Mom home be because in order to put Mom in a facility , your Mom’s home would need to be sold and your sister would lose her own home she built nextdoor on Mom’s property ??
Regardless , you don’t have to let the guilt trips get you , or have any in depth discussions . You tell them you are no longer able to provide care . Period .
If you get push back , you can add, that you aren’t the one that wanted to keep Mom home and you can not be forced to provide ( hands on ) care .
(I got this from a podcast)
Problem
Cause
Fix
Problem: Your Mother has high emotional & physical needs.
Cause: 1. Emotional.
The combination of Mother's personality, genes, family upbringing, life events
*Call it LIFE for short*
2. The aging process. Expected human aging bringing fraility & loss of independance. *AGING*
Fix: ??
What CAN "Fix' this?
More questions;
Q1. Can Mother change her personality? Her genes, upbringing, life events?
Q2. Can anything completely prevent aging, prevent bones thinning & breaking?
Q3. Can you, THO, 'Fix' these specific things?
Can you fix Mother's personality or aging?
I see it very simple. You are rowing everyone else's boats.
Stop.
Plus, ideas are formed during those first most important formative years. For some people, the confusion lingers over into their adulthood.
Back out of the caregiving and make your kids your priority.
I am sure that you were quite confused as a child. Unless therapy is retained as an adult, the confusion usually continues to be an issue.
I hope that you will consider getting therapy to sort through your emotions. I am sorry for the loss of your sister. It’s hard to lose a sibling.
As far as caring for your mother goes, you certainly aren’t responsible for her care, regardless of what your sister chooses to do.
Tell your sister that you are no longer available to help her. Don’t be concerned about her opinion on the matter.
Many years ago I had an English teacher who thought it would be a good idea for us to write letters to practice our writing skills.
I loved writing letters to my pen pal in Japan and we corresponded every week for three years.
My pen pal was part of a traditional Japanese family and had an arranged marriage at age 18. After he married we stopped writing letters to each other.
My pen pal told me all about Japan and his family and I told him about America and my family.
I want to leave you with a few Japanese proverbs.
Even Monkeys Fall From Trees.
This proverbs means that even the most talented or experienced people make mistakes.
Fall Seven Times and Get Up Eight
This proverb means that even if one falls many times, eventually they will succeed. It represents perseverance and resilience. The more times you get up after a fall, the easier it will become for you. Don’t give up.
I especially like this proverb.
Gold Coins To A Cat
It refers to giving something of value to someone who considers it worthless. It’s a common Japanese expression that means, “It doesn’t matter.”
Your past is over. Don’t focus on your mistakes.
Don’t worry about what your sister says. It doesn’t matter what she thinks of your decision to want to live your own life.
Plan a meaningful future for you and the people who matter most in your life.
HatedOne is certainly getting reinforcement on being hated here. Does it suck big time that you allowed your children to be belittled and who knows what else by your mom? Yeah. Would a no-excuse confession go a long way and be a Godsend to your children? Almost certainly. The no excuse part is key, but can be as simple as "I failed to protect you and I am sorry". They already know why. Start from there.
No wait, start by separating yourself from your nightmare mother, I bet your kids have waited their whole lives for that, so if you can't do it for yourself I know you can do it for them. Then the apology will mean a million times more because they'll know you are starting to get it.
.
Preach, sister. That was were the OP lost me when I was reading her post.
You ALWAYS stand up for your kids. In fact, an adult should always stand up for any kid who's being mistreated.
The bottom line is that your mothers care is just too much for all involved, including your sister who's property she lives on. And the only way your sister will come to realize that is when you stand your ground and step away from all hands on care.
No person ever said that they'd like to go live in a nursing facility, but guess what(?), there often comes a time when that is the only sane and safe option for all involved.
You or your sister owe your mother NOTHING! As in NOTHING!
Your mother has made her bed and now she gets to lie in it(literally and figuratively).
Please don't be afraid to once and for all stand up not only to your sister but also to your mother and say enough is enough and that you're done.
And on a side note I have to say that it breaks my heart as a mother and grandmother myself that you chose to not defend your own children when they were growing up. All you did there was continue on with letting the dysfunction rule in your family. I hope that you've apologized to them and that they and you have gotten some therapy for the damage done by what that obviously did to them.
And if not, don't be surprised when you get older that they choose to not defend or look out for you either, as dysfunction has a way of repeating itself if not nipped in the bud early on.
I do hope you and your family can learn how to come out from under this cloud of dysfunction that has been over your lives for far too long.
BetterHelp.com is access to online counseling that is affordable and convenient. There's no excuse to not help yourself.
You tell your sister that you are done participating in your Mother's caregiving as of right now. Do not give any excuse lest she try to negotiate with you. It will be hard to watch the slo-mo trainwreck as it derails so it will feel terrible for a while but it will get better -- for you, at least -- and hopefully your sister will wake up and transition your Mom into a different care arrangement where her toxicity can't poison her family.
You lost me at part where you allowed her to be abusive to your children. There's no justifying that. I have a son myself and I too come from an abusive home. No matter how much conditioning or fear you have of mom and dad, you defend your kids with your life if needs be.
The most basic and primordial function of a mother is to protect her kids. This has been so since before we even stood fully upright and walked out of the cave. You didn't do it. That's all on you not your abusive mother.
You came on this forum looking for advice from the members here on how you should handle your situation. So I'm going to give you some.
Forget about your mother. Let her rot in her own stubborness because she refuses to leave her home. Your sister and mother made the decision that she'd be cared for at home. If your sister wants to be the martyr she can. So leave her to it. Don't listen to one second of complaining or guilt-tripping from her because you aren't doing anything wrong saying no.
What you should be doing now is making amends to your kids. Your kids paid the price for your victimhood and cowardice with abuse from their grandmother. That's on you. Take your responsibility for the part you played in their abuse.
When an adult is "picking" on kids that's abuse. When other kids do it, it's bullying. Adults handle both the same way.
It doesnt matter how old your kids are. You need to make amends to them and probably haven't. They are a thousand, no a million times more important than your abusive mother.
So for what I imagine will be the first time in your life, find a backbone somewhere then tell tell mommy to shove it.
Be available and supportive for your sister if you want to, but it has to be on your terms. Make it understood that you will not help with any of the direct caregiving but will help with finding placement for your mother. That you will contact and tour care facilities to put her in. That you will deal with the social workers and admissions people. This is how you should help.
From what you say it sounds like they are both miserable people and you might just be better off to walk away and let them handle it. Your sister nor your mother can force you to do anything that you don't want to do.
I am new to all this but I question whether sister only wants to keep mom out of NH because her house is attached to your mother's estate and would most likely be considered among her assets??? (as I said I absolutely could be wrong.)
Your sister made the decision to keep your mum out of NH. Yes, it's her responsibility. Let her live with the consequences. Sounds like your mother would be much better placed in an NH, especially since as she ages her needs will become greater. Her health will only get worse.
Whatever guilt or other feelings your sister has. they are her problem not yours.
Focus on yourself and your needs. That's not selfish, that's self love and self care. Decide what you want to do and what you do not want to do, let your sister know that you are stepping back and then let the chips fall where they may. Don't allow her or your mother to guilt you into doing more than you can. I believe you are exhausted and tired of it. You don't have to do it!!! People here will support you tp get your own life back.
Your sister made a decision. She needs to live with it.
"I can't possibly do that" is a useful expression.
In other words,
"Caregiving only works when it's done on the caregiver's terms. Not the care recipient's".
~BC