My sister and I care for my 91-year-old deaf mother. My brother does absolutely nothing for her. Should he inherit equally?

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My sister and I care for my 91-year-old deaf mother. My brother does absolutely nothing for her. Should he inherit equally?

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My sister has historically shouldered the brunt of my mom's care because she lives so close to her. Recently my sister's health has declined and I am now assuming more responsibility for my mom's care, 3-4 days per week 24/7 including meals and the scheduling of doctor's appointments. My brother does absolutely nothing for her, and doesn't offer or inquire as to what needs to be done. He calls on Mother's Day and holidays and visits once or twice a year. He only lives about two hours away. He used to live much closer, still did nothing and moved without the slightest care as to how she would be cared for and by whom. Is it fair for him to receive an equal inheritance? I ask because my mom insists that we should all inherit equally, but does not insist or even ask that he contribute anything to her care or needs which are extensive due to her age and hearing impairment which requires that she be accompanied even when she is visited by home health care practitioners. I feel resentful of this but don't know how to express this without sounding like a greedy little b******.

Burnout Family Caregiver Will

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I'm in a similar situation.
My parents both feel my brother should inherit more than me. Their reasons are; he is male, he needs the help, and I have a husband to support me.
He needs the help because he is a drug addict and is verging on homelessness. But even prior to his downfall, he and his wife lived a life well outside his means - travel, dining, shopping, etc., they never managed to save a penny.

On the other hand my husband and I have been very careful with our money and are fortunate to own our home. My parents live with us rent free and I am their caregiver. My brother does nothing.

But they still insist he should inherit the bulk of their sizable estate.
I'm angry and resentful, but also resigned. I try to focus on the good stuff in my life. I really understand how frustrated and hurt you feel. I'm so sorry you are going through this. You don't sound like a greedy b, you sound like a daughter who feels neglected and hurt. I'm sorry. {{{hugs}}}

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I grew up in a family like this; this is how it was in the 50s!! That it is still like that in the present century is not to be believed!! You have to let these relics of a “gone with the wind” Time know that 1. children should inherit equally, and 2. caregiving is legitimate work & should be
compensated! No more unpaid “women’s work”!

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My mother told me to my face that she was leaving me nothing, although I was the one who did everything for her, paid, paid and paid, my brother is the golden one, and basically did nothing and will get everything, Well, that really hurt me, not so much about the money, but what and how she said this to me. After years and years of abuse that she slung at me, I backed out. She is now 94, and I have not spoken to her in 8 years, my brother, now has full responsibility for her...so now he visits her once a year and calls her on occasion. She lives by herself in NC, sits alone, as no one else in the family speaks to her either, her brother hasn't for 35 years because of what she has done over the years and her nasty mouth.

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annemculver - wake up and smell what coffee? not sure what you mean by that or century reference

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What your mom leaves you is entirely up to HER
-- this has probably been her intent all of her life, to divide things with all of her kids.

Your sister shouldered the responsibility for a long time by herself and now you are helping. Had sister's health not become an issue, your participation would probably not have started yet.

Caregiving on a daily basis usually begins with who is closest, does not have a full time job or small children at home or who can or is willing to relocate. It also begins with the one person who cannot live with putting mom in a facility the moment she has some issues. Unfair?? Yes, but that's how it starts. And it will stay that way until the caregiver can no longer put one foot in front of the other any longer. The others MAY step in, but many would go ahead with the process of putting her in a home with only a fleeting thought of 'I don't know how so-n-so did it as long as she did. 99.9% of the time the caregiving role is done from the heart and not for the dollar.

Don't ask your mom about the money or estate again. Do what you do because you love her (like your sister did) or walk away so that everyone understands you may have had a motive. Expressing it does make you sound like a greedy little B just as you thought it might sound.

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Wake up & smell the coffee:!this is century 21, not 19.

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Ah yeah, that nerve you stepped on that triggered an onslaught of responses. Here's mine: In a word no, but as others no doubt will point out it's your mother's choice. HOWEVER, I would get yourself to an elder law attorney to guide you through and be YOUR advocate and what steps you can take to protect your well-being and interest. It seems like your sister's health may have diminished due to the heavy load she was carrying. Share the burden. Get some professional advice, and in the meantime I'd be logging all that you are doing. Perhaps that will come in handy in the future. No doubt your mother will probably decline a caregiver agreement because that is what family does. Do you think your mom could use a smart phone? My dad is deaf and he has an app on it for dictation...so on medical or other appts and even in general, if people speak into the phone, he can read what they have said and respond. If she can deal with hearing aids and the expense, hit Costco and get the rechargables. Good luck...

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Sister probably did wear herself out. Even a moderate health issue could escalate with the workload a caregiver fulfills. Was sister getting paid a fair wage for what she had done for a good while on her own? Probably not, but I bet no one suggested to mom to give everything to her because she was doing all the work. I bet sister (who had not been helping) and brother never got together and said - Mom is leaving equal shares to all of us. Let's sign an agreement to give our entire shares to Caretaker Sister. I could be wrong, but I bet 'cha redivision of the estate never came up until non-caretaker sister had to step in.

My mom loves all of her children and she wants each to split whatever she has left. I do 100% of the caregiving, because my heart will not allow me to put her in a facility while there is enough strength in my body to let her stay at home. I get very little help. My significant other has had to live alone in our house for the past 3-4 years because my mother at 95 is a little selfish about staying in her own home until she can't. I'm trying. If I was paid a wage, I'm sure she'd owe me much more than anything she'll have at the end. Would I do ONE thing to avoid honoring my mother's decision to share equally with all siblings? Absolutely not. She was always strong on family ties, even when there was troubles between members. My siblings may decide not to talk to me in the future, but it will NOT be because I tried to deny them a share of what my mom leaves.
There's more to life than a dollar bill.

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Unfortunately, life is not always fair. You will drive yourself crazy and/or invite stress related disease into your life, if you continue to focus on this inequality. You can't control other people's behavior. You only have control over your own behavior. I wonder if it's possible for you to make arragements to get a break from caretaking for awhile. Caretaking can be so exhausting, heart rendering and is often a thankless job.

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BarbBrooklyn said, "Inheritance is a birthright. Labor should be compensated."

Inheritance, as set forth in a Will, is a legal transfer of wealth. If there is no Will, the State will decide -- and most likely will be divided equally between heirs.

However, LABOR SHOULD BE COMPENSATED under any circumstance.

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Some labor you do out of love. I could agree with payment if someone had to give up a job and had bills to pay.

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Don't mention it WorriedinCali

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Worried in Cali,
Thank you so much for your interest in my thread.

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You’re welcome.

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Your not. Your just venting as you should because of how things are. I know why your Mom insists on splitting everything equally: it's because she's playing referee between you and your brother. My Mom had to do the same thing between me and my brother's. There were 5 of us. I'm the only daughter. It makes me sad to tell you this but I'm now having to play Moms role of referee with my brother's. It's done between them..... and my husband. Feel free to PM me if ya wanna vent. Hugs.

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no referee playing. He's no where in sight. lives far away, and I haven't seen him in a long time. never argued with him either, so, no referee playing.

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Salutem:

"well this is what I think, though I've endured many harsh lectures claiming that it is her right to bequeath as she sees fit. I realize all of that, but it just doesn't seem right to me."

Right; and that's why you and sis should be getting PAID for what your are doing right now.

If you are squeamish about getting fair pay for what you are doing, then you will just have to learn to sit with your bad feelings. Only you and your sis can change this inequity.

Till the day she died, my mom resented the fact that her brothers were both ne'er do wells who were adored by their mom; mom and her sister worked their tails off and sacrificed a great deal to keep their mom comfortable. There was terrible , TERRIBLE angst over this which I watched growing up.

Not going there. Brother (much better off financially than the rest of us) was given POA and did all the heavy lifting. Any resenting that happened got done by him. I believe my mom knew that I wasn't going to be the patsy that she was.

Inheritance is a birthright. Labor should be compensated.

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Having read salutem's responses to the comments, I have to think she is very thin-skinned, maybe with a chip on her shoulder.

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Glad to hear it because I care desperately what you think.

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It took a long time for me to understand what someone once taught me when I was still young and really didn't understand fully. I was told "WHAT YOU SOW IS WHAT YOU REAP." All of my life I have been a giver, never asking for anything ever from anyone. I wanted to do things that were good and be the giver and it made me happy. Several years ago I became disabled and all of a sudden people came out of the woodwork and started doing things for me I never in a million years ever thought about or expected. So, what I am trying to say is this: If there are those people who go above and beyond what others in their families are doing for the patients, then they definitely should be recognized and rewarded more than those who do NOTHING. It is only fair and just. Remember this......what may be legally correct may not be morally correct. I for one will always choose the high road and take the MORALLY RIGHT WAY. And this belief and action has served me well in life. I will not follow a law if it is unjust, unreasonable and unfair and if it causes physical, emotional, mental or financial harm to me. I don't deserve it. Every day of my life I thank the man I met many years ago when I was 21 - he taught me this and how right he was. God bless him.

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I have seen these situations over and over again and there are some basic simple facts which I am going to state. The money that belongs to your mother is your mother's money and she can choose where it goes. HOWEVER, your mother is very selfish and stupid and totally without any common sense if she feels it is o.k. to divide assets equally because of blood - it is just wrong. There are factors that MUST BE CONSIDERED. Is one sibling doing a great deal for the patient and the other is doing nothing? Then there is no way on this earth something should be shared equally. Is she NUTS? Another factor is this - if one sibling is struggling very hard to live for whatever reason and is truly doing all possible to fix things, and the other sibling has a great deal of money, then more should go to the one in need. The question is - is the poor sibling in a bad way through circumstances not caused by that sibling, like being an alcoholic, drug addict, etc.? If none of that applies, more goes to the one in need. Someone really needs to sit down with your mother, preferably someone like an attorney or someone who can get through to her. She must have these things pointed out to her. If she corrects her will and leaves more to the one who is there for her or who otherwise assumes the responsibility, then fine. If she does not cooperate or there are continuing problems, then you must IMMEDIATELY CHARGE HER FOR TAKING CARE OF HER IN THE SAME AMOUNT AN OUTSIDE CARETAKER WOULD CHARGE. That is the ONLY way you will be reimbursed for what you do and deserve. I have one word of caution - talk with an eldercare attorney as to a contract, Power of Attorney, and whatever other documents you need. And, also find out from that attorney the ramifications of getting this money (off the table) vs. claiming it and paying taxes, SS, etc. You need to cover your own butt and you need to be safe if she has to be placed because of the look back period in giving money away. In your case, you sure deserve everything you can have. Good luck. You are being used by your mother's stupidity (and fear that someone will be 'mad' at her) and your brother who does nothing. Get if fixed now. Do NOT let this continue.

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Nothing much I can do, but I don't talk to him and I'm not around when he comes to visit, which is only a few times a year. At the moment my sister is POA, however that will likely change soon

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Salutem, don’t you know mothers favor their sons no matter what little they do or don’t do?

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I suppose you're right

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Salutem, for her own mental and spiritual health, needs to let go of the resentment and anger toward her brother. Ask him, if he's the one with control of your mother's purse, to pay you for what you do. Beyond that, there's not much to be done about your mother's wishes and will. But please, let go of your anger.

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Oh, it's not that big of a thing--as long as I don't see him. When he does come for one of his bi-annual visits, I make sure I'm not there. My sister seems to handle it better than I

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In my eyes your question is a legal question. As I posted before your Mom has every "legal" right to designate her estate to whomever she wishes. That is her legal right.

There is no right or wrong. If you don't agree with your Mom's will then talk to an attorney. It's that simple. In the meantime be kind to yourself and please take care of you the best you can.

Jenna

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It might be called life. The physical and emotional toll can become overwhelming. Maybe if your brother cant be hands on, he would be open to providing a little rest time for you, like a weekend every few months where you could get away alone. Theres no reason he couldn't squirrel away a tiny savings amount for you and that way be doing his part too. Like five dollars a week at least and then you would have something to look forward to, and not have to resent him so much which isn't good for you're health.

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you do know what he could do with that five dollars don't you? Just sayin'

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Try to care for your mom as a thanks for all she has done for you. It is easier said then done, but I don't think there is any joy in the sacrifice if it is only done with an inheritance in mind. I am one of 4 siblings, and luckily we each do what we are able, despite Mom's decision to leave everything to one sister. She has reasons that make sense to a woman in her late 90's and I don't see any sense in upsetting her by arguing over her money. Your brother may or may not have his reasons for his lack of dedication but try to look for the good reasons you do what you do. Good luck to you and your sister.

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Excellent post and right to the point. This is one of the most
logical posts I have read. People take notice!!!

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Salutem

if you have receipts and your delightful uncle refuses to release money from the trust can you bill the trust. Can you and your sister be back paid from the trust. And yes your brother is a jerk

can you place your mother in assisted living and bill the trust

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There is a famous saying in my native country which translates like this, “A mother can look after 5 kids singlehanded but 5 kids can’t look after 1 Mother collectively”
Well it’s a very sad situation some of us are in. I too care for my partially deaf mom who also has Dementia, all by myself. I have three brothers who never even bother to call let alone help out. Initially I would go to Mums house and help out from morning till bedtime, once she was in bed I would head back home, and when her Dementia got worse She moved in with me and my husband. So for the last five yrs she has been living with us. My sister visits sometimes and calls everyday. But solely and wholly Mum has been my responsibility from her heart procedures to flu shots. And let’s spare our parents the dignity as we all fully know what all they need help with.......
Now I resent my brothers for not being there physically, emotionally, morally or financially for neither me or mom. They have never stepped up to anything. What I feel for them is just another story for another day...
but having given you the background of how they have abandoned Mom, I not for a single minute thought of cutting them out of their inheritance. And not because I am this saint, oh no , but once a wise man said to me,
Don’t try to play God.
And suddenly the storm inside me calmed down. I believe in fate , what is mine I will get what is not mine , will never be. I believe that I would be rewarded for my unconditional love for Mom, by God. My brothers would be tested for their negligence and uncaring attitude towards the woman who sacrificed every minute of her youth for them.
You and your sister are Amazing Women , you both have already passed the test .

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Yes. It is the total lack of moral and emotional understanding that hurts the most and makes you angry

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I know exactly how you feel!!!! My mom passed in 2015, my dad passed in 2017, and my gram just recently passed!!!!! I used to live next to my mom and dad, but moved 8 hours away to take care of my grandma. Now after my mom passed I wanted to be there for my dad in the worst way, but I was taking care of gram. I was also very close to him. I struggled with not being there for him. I helped pay his bills, make doctor appointments, order meds, buy food, and so much more from a distance. I even visited him more in year than my sisters who lived close. They didn't help him or visit him. My heart would break and I stressed it to my sisters and they became defensive. Now the same with my gram, my 2 sisters who live by us never helped with nothing or wouldn't even come to visit. I did all the work. Let me tell you what, I did it out of love!!!! I put my life on hold so I could care for her. 24/7 I was at her call with no sibling help at all. I was the only one that got her up, fed her breakfast, lunch, and supper, dressed her, took her shopping, doctor appointments, church, took her to bathroom, hung out with her and etc..... Guess when the only time one of my siblings made contact? When she was dying and they wanted to know what was going to happen to her house and her money!!!!! So as far as I am concerned God sees all and it's not fair when one does everything and the others don't give a toot!!!

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I can understand your resentment. I was in a similar situation. Your feelings are justified. However, no-one can promise you that life is going to be fair. In my situation I came to the conclusion that I had little control over others behavior. I took the attention off of others and focused in on my own actions. Am I doing the right things? Am I being a compassionate person? Am I doing my best to help? You get the idea. Suggestion: focus on yourself. You'll be less frustrated and angry.

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Salutem,

No explanation needed. All the best to you. Everyone is entitled to their opinion just as you are to yours.

You made it it perfectly clear how you felt. Not everyone will agree. Leave it at that.

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NHWM, I couldn't have said it any better!

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YES.......You will be glad that you shared equally....if you only love him for what he " does" then you will continue the dynamic of "conditional" love...,It is really about you..not him in the end..Blessings ..dear one..💝

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No, NeedHelpWithMom, I don't feel as though many people do respond to the actual questions posed in the posts. Many people use the posts to offer gratuitous advise in the form of a pedantic and condescending lecture. This does not come from a place of altruism, but from a place of need. In the future, I would never post a question on this site and open myself to those demeaning lectures offered by so many. It's a form of cyberbullying. If this is what AgingCare is all about, you can have it.

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I really do not think that is the case. I believe they are being direct and honest. People do not want to take sound advice. They want therapy. Go to a professional if that is the case. Lots of people have wonderful advice to give. They have been there and done that. I would rather have someone direct with me. I do not believe it is bullying. That is crazy. It a bunch of women yacking and yacking and writing such long nonsense that makes this site boring. I find it difficult to read such long posts. Get to the point with less words and more intelligent advice!

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I’m so sorry we were unable to help you. We have all tried from previous experience & present experience. Look after yourself as well as your Mom. God bless!

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Oh, many people have indeed helped me. I want to make that very clear. I am grateful for the help and advise they have given me. That help is actually enough. I was extremely angry at some of the responses I got because they were disrespectful and I lashed out as a result. I'm over that now, and I do read the helpful responses of all the kind people who have posted. I ignore the rest. That being said, I don't think I would post again. I will however research the site if I have a question in the future, but I would be extremely reticent to make myself vulnerable by posting again. Many thanks to all who have kindly responded from a genuine place of altruism

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If there is a will, then it is the parent who makes the decision -- not the children -- despite who does what for whom. If there is no will, get the parent to an attorney pronto. A situation with three kids in this predicament is TROUBLE.

Kbuser below said," The house is in a trust now to go to all 4 siblings equally, but part of me thinks the house would be gone already if I hadn't taken over her care. It doesn't seem quite fair." You're right, if it had been sold to pay for assisted care living.

Good start -- a trust. Attorneys come in handy for many questions as time goes by. Call the estate planning attorney now.

Beware of the county in which you live. If it is suspected that you don't have a good plan for an elderly parent, you can be taken to court for a conservatorship. No fun. I promise. Talk to an attorney now.

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Not if the greedy sibling gets the parent to amend all previous paperwork from 10 years prior. Some siblings take advantage of aged parents mental decline.

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Cetude,
good suggestion. practical and nonjudgmental. refreshing actually. I'd never post on this site again. people love to spew out all of their judgment and vent their frustration on here. I only read the helpful responses now. As soon as I get a whiff of condescending judgment, I just stop reading.

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I have found this site to be a literal lifesaver..Just filter out what you may experience as attacks...

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disgustedtoo is entitled to her opinion. Of course you don't think your opinions are presumptuous and arrogant, who does?? Opinions are like a******'s, everybody has one, everybody thinks everyone eles's stinks.

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I want to add something here and many will disagree with me. It is true that life is NOT fair. However, if you are in that unfair life and you know it is truly unfair, then YOU, even if no one wants to help you, must find a way to do everything in your power to make it fair. You may not win but you will at least have the self-respect for knowing you tried to make things right and fair. You will have peace where it will destroy you if nothing is done to correct things and it just continues. You will be angry, bitter and useless - but at least try to make things right. You'll like yourself better because you tried.

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My sister and I care for my 91-year-old deaf mother. My brother does absolutely nothing for her. Should he inherit equally?

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