My sister has historically shouldered the brunt of my mom's care because she lives so close to her. Recently my sister's health has declined and I am now assuming more responsibility for my mom's care, 3-4 days per week 24/7 including meals and the scheduling of doctor's appointments. My brother does absolutely nothing for her, and doesn't offer or inquire as to what needs to be done. He calls on Mother's Day and holidays and visits once or twice a year. He only lives about two hours away. He used to live much closer, still did nothing and moved without the slightest care as to how she would be cared for and by whom. Is it fair for him to receive an equal inheritance? I ask because my mom insists that we should all inherit equally, but does not insist or even ask that he contribute anything to her care or needs which are extensive due to her age and hearing impairment which requires that she be accompanied even when she is visited by home health care practitioners. I feel resentful of this but don't know how to express this without sounding like a greedy little b******.
He had been diagnosed with dementia probably Alzheimer's but I think he also had Vascular dementia.
I would not have traded anything for the time I spent with him but I did have caregivers that helped. I did have Hospice the last 3 years. I would not have been able to do what I did without the caregivers, Hospice and the help I got from the VA.
Would I want anyone of the kids to care for me the way I cared for their dad? The answer to that is a resounding NO! (and I did not expect them to care for their dad either)
They have their lives, their children and their own problems why would I EXPECT them to provide 24/7/365 care for me? It is not and would not be fair to expect that of them. After seeing and realizing what I was doing for my Husband I took out Long Term Care insurance. Other than my mortgage it is probably the largest expense that I have that pops up once a year. But I pay it so that I don't want the kids to have to worry that they will be put in a position that they will have to provide care for me.
I think a parent that expects their children to care for them is being selfish.
A parents "job" is to raise self sufficient children that grow up, leave home, build their own lives (if that means having a partner in life and children great) and care for their family. Part of being an adult is to save..you save for your first car, house a vacation. You save for retirement, "Social security" is a supplement NOT your entire retirement account so you save for "when you get older" that money is or should be used to provide you care NOT to be "hidden" so that your children place you on Medicaid so there will be something left for them to fight over when you are dead.
Use the money saved for good care. That could mean paid caregivers or a quality facility.
A "home" is just a house that contains family and love. Once the home becomes a "house" sell it, no one really wants it, no one wants the "antique" furniture, the collection of "Precious Moments" or Cookie Jars use that to pay for care as well..a few more months of quality care is better than a building filled with old furniture and resentment.
Getting down off my Soapbox for now!
Round of applause from me! Encore! Great explanation! 😊 Love it!
And there is a difference in EXPECTING help and ACCEPTING help.
There is a difference between ASKING for help and DEMANDING help.
I would have edited my comment but it would not allow that but this is a good thought on it's own.
I am paying all bills and handling her finances etc. now and it is a burden. And it’s not fair. HOWEVER...I have laid down the law to both my brother and her that she WILL go to an AL when it is time...her money will pay for this..and I will insure she is properly taken care of. Don’t expect any “inheritance”. I don’t want or need her money, but I’ll be damned if he just waltzes in and gets “half” after doing nothing but live his life and go on vacations etc while I have to deal with the daily issues of someone who has dementia and other conditions. I’m trying very hard to not be resentful, but it’s creeping up on me. For all you that say the OP is greedy etc....well I applaud you all for being saints. She is not greedy, but has a mother who is a burden and a brother who deserves a kick in the seat pants.
Salutem, I think it’s time for you to find a facility and let Mom’s money pay for her care. You need your life back....and you can believe me when I tell you that she is not going to change her mind just because you are sacrificing your life. Your health will be next to go. And yes, I’m also very angry with my brother. You are not alone. Hang in there!
Thank you though for recognizing this, it makes me feel a lot better. Unfortunately our situation is complicated because much of my mother's assets are in real estate that is jointly owned with her brother-in-law and we have already spent over $100,000 in legal fees trying to get her share which is close to a million dollars. Yes, my health is deteriorating rapidly, I am diabetic and have complications. I think you are right, we do need to prepare for an assisted living situation. I don't know any other way of doing it.
But I do just stew in the fact that she is adamant about my brother getting an equal share of everything without expectation of him having to do a thing. I'll have to come to terms with that I guess because I don't want it to stop me from spending time with my mother, not just for her care needs but I sit with her and remind her of old stories about her mother and father, precious memories I don't want her to lose.
I want these moments to be precious moments I carry with me for my lifetime. I have work to do though, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind words
Most every poster here has been rude and disagreeable at one time or another, yet we all hope for understanding that it is a tough time and we are drowning hoping for a glimmer of hope or a kind word or just acknowledgement that it sucks and we are not alone. Is that no longer the purpose of agingcare?
This poster has been around a while and maybe stays in the back ground, but she has every right to be here and to have a bad day and lash out when she feels attacked, we all do it, let's show a little understanding for someone that is obviously feeling overwhelmed and desperate and is angry.
nasty behavior.
As to "...men don't engage in that kind of caddy, nasty name calling..." maybe you've never heard of Trump? He is the Despot of "caddy"...
Said it in another post - of all the posts I have read so far, none are what I would call "arrogant, rude, and presumptuous", nor "caddy"... most were merely pointing out that a will is a will, this is what mom decided to do with anything left when she passes, whether we think this is fair or not (most likely most would vote not fair, but it isn't up to ANY of us what your mom decides or how the inheritance is split) AND many suggested perhaps seeking some recompense now (a recent post talks about illiquid funds, but is there not some income stream, even if just SS? If she's in AL, perhaps SS is not available - perhaps if there is no money that can be provided now, then as others suggested, consult with Elder Care attorney and see if a care-giver contract can be drawn up that provides a set amount at TOD? Even if possible, mom would likely have to agree to this.)
AND, you said "...I've decided that you people are a bunch of angry, frustrated women..." Last I checked there have been a number of MEN who have posted here as well... Not sure they would appreciate being lumped into "...a bunch of angry, frustrated women..." Also, I do not consider myself ANGRY or FRUSTRATED, despite the fact that I provide most (99.999%) of the care, visits and mom-needs, but will have to split equally with my brothers (one of whom was abusive to me as a child AND again as a senior!!! Does he deserve it? No. Is it fair? No. Is it my choice, no, but I also choose to do this because they can't/won't.)
My mom passed four yrs. ago. The last ten years of her life I became as she called it her "lifeline" It started out with getting her groceries, her prescriptions, escorting her to doctor's appts. and then just grew from there. When she got into her late eighties/early nineties I became responsible for everything. She lived five minutes from me and we were always close so I guess I was the logical choice. My five living siblings just let me. They barely did anything. When it was time to transition mom into a nursing home I made all the arrangements, decorated her room, bought her a new. t.v., made the place feel like home. Mom and I were very close but I was never under any illusions that when the inheritance was divided that I would receive anything more than anyone else.
I never hoped I'd get more. What I had hoped for was a special acknowledgement in the form of a personal letter or something similar when she died. But no, there was a letter for all of us that spoke of us as a group. So even though I'd cared for her more she always thought of us as equal. She loved us all equally and that was that. She didn't keep track of who did what and if she had I still think it would have been the same.
So salutem, maybe you are hoping for an acknowledgement that you are special and maybe the money isn't the important thing at all. Maybe you will get that. But if you don't, don't be surprised cause I think a lot of mother's just love their kids unconditionally and that's that.
I was mildly hurt that my mom didn't write me a special letter but knowing my mom I also know that she maybe thought that it went without saying and that I knew she appreciated me. Maybe that's why she said I was her "lifeline"
I hope you get what you are hoping for in the end but if you don't please don't let it seize you up inside cause it would be all for naught anyhow.
I found this response very touching. You are a kind and understanding, compassionate soul. Take care.
Does her income stream allow her to afford Assisted Living at this time? Getting her into a facility that she can adjust to sooner rather than later, given her hearing issue is critical. (Edit. Your profile says that mom is already IN AL? Does she need NH level care now, since her stroke? Why does someone need to provide 24/7 care if she is in AL?)
You and your sister are both elders with health issues. You should not have to kill yourselves to provide your mom with unreimbursed care.
I understand a parent wanting her children to inherit equally; inheritance is based on degree of kinship and not the amount of burden shouldered.
But ultimately, there is no inheritance until mom's care needs are paid for, however that gets accomplished. If your brother gets upset that mom's funds are being spent on her care, then he can step in and provide for them.
I think OP left.
This whole inheritance thing is a very fraught issue for a lot of folks. For many, the idea of a parent paying a child for caregiving is anathema; for what it's worth, if you want your adult child to give up her/his livelihood to care for you, it's the ONLY way most folks can survive.
I have dear friends who are sisters. One sister is a retired teacher with a great pension and a husband who was a divorce lawyer. They are not hurting for funds. Other sister, who lives closest to their mom is a self-employed therapist/counselor, divorced with two young adult children.
Their mom is a somewhat narcissistic self-indulgent person who did not do a lot of "mothering" of her kids. Mother is getting frailer, needs help getting to doc appointments, packing to visit other daughter, etc. Every hour that therapist daughter takes out of her day to help her mom costs her in income. Shouldn't she be paid?
Her sister and BIL (rolling in cash) roll their eyes at the idea.
I don't.
Yes, inheritance thing gets awkward. I don’t see anything wrong with a child being paid. I gave up my income but from what I see a mom has to be on Medicaid. OP’s mom is not on Medicaid and she said she didn’t qualify for it. My mom isn’t on Medicaid either.
I have asked my brothers until I am blue in the face. Selfish people don’t help.
This is a sad but not uncommon situation. What's 'fair' may be difficult to achieve.
I can't think another man's thoughts. I can only guess. I also figure that my guesses are probably wrong. So I keep it to myself. For now though, I believe that you have enough to worry about without adding the thought of who gets what. Mom probably wouldn't like it.
Maybe you should just keep doing the excellent work you're doing caring for mom. Make every day as good as you are able. Talk to brother about whatever comes up, doing it with love. Resentment should just be put away. Love each other because it's your mom. That's what she would have wanted.
I'm not trying to be a bragard, but my sister and I never brought up who gets what. In fact, I wanted nothing. I'm the eldest child. I was the first baby Mom ever held in her arms as a young 17 year old girl. She said we were children together. Still, I wanted nothing. None of it meant anything to me except some pictures and a few old letters.
Anyway, you do what you believe in your heart is the best thing to do. Don't do anything that you know is wrong. Like duh, huh? Anyone knows that. Peace.
I care for my Mom because I want to (my choice) and not to get anything from her.
Jenna
First, as others have pointed out, an inheritance should never be considered a repayment for services rendered. If you want any deserved compensation from your mother, that needs to be worked out and paid while she is alive and you are delivering the care. Second, I have seen the type of resentment you express split families, with siblings never speaking to each other after their last living parent's death. Do you want that to be the legacy you have with your brother? Your mother probably would not want that or she wouldn't have left equal shares to her children, because unequal shares will split siblings just as easily as unequal care-giving responsibilities will. Resentment destroys relationships.
More important and of some urgency, does your mother have a designated power of attorney, a medical power of attorney, and a living will? If not, and if she is still competent, she needs to execute these documents immediately, presumably naming you and your sister as primaries. And if you want legally enforceable compensation, you will need her to execute a caregiver agreement (contract) as well. (See: https://www.americanbar.org/groups/law_aging/publications/bifocal/vol_37/issue_3_february2016/creating-effective-caregiver-agreements/).
The bottom line: to reduce (because you can never eliminate) the risk of conflict between siblings, everything needs to be in writing, just like the will. If your mother is already suffering from early stage dementia and is not competent then you will have additional issues (i.e., a likely need for a guardianship) and greater urgency. But if the will is recent and properly executed, it should probably be left as is.
Grace + peace,
Bob