My mom passed recently after 62 years of marriage to my dad. My brothers and I had just moved them into the independent part of a senior living facility, one that provides meals and transportation. It's only been 6 weeks since mom passed but my dad is driving me crazy. I try to get by to see him 3 times per week (my brothers live 4+ hours away), bring him groceries or left overs. While I'm there I sort out his pills, straighten up (even though there is maid service) and try and handle other issues.
I've tried set boundaries but he calls me constantly because he's lonely and his moods are often exacerbated by alcohol. Tonight he called for me to spend the night so I could make sure he got up in time to make it to the doctor's appointment I'm taking him too!
When I try to set limits, he claims to not remember or apologies.
I'm trying to be patient. He rarely goes down for dinner or participates with other residents, no matter how much I remind him. I'm so stressed and now it's affecting my 32 year marriage. How do I force him to interact and rely on the services we are paying for than relying on me all of the time?
Has Dad seen a grief counselor ?
You have to sort his pills for him and he drinks alcohol? He should not drink . Alcohol is a depressant .
Sleeping over is ridiculous , you can call him to wake him up , and set an alarm clock.
You stated “ we pay” . I hope Dad is using his own funds for his care and not his children’s money .
DO NOT answer every call . Let them go to voice mail . You can listen and return call once a day .
Back off , only visit once or twice a week . Don’t be the maid , just be the daughter visiting .
You can’t force him to go to the dining room . He may not be ready for that yet , let him grieve .
But bottom line, if father is so dependent on his daughter, he is no longer independent and needs to get moved to an assisted living facility, where he will receive the care he requires and can give his daughter a much needed break.
The OP and her father both need time to grieve.
So that may not be an issue.
So now what? There's alcohol involved, and when that happens, it's never good. Alcohol can affect his memory. Decide that you are not going to interact with him when he's been drinking. Tell him that.
If you step back, he may be more likely to go to dinner. If you stop taking him food and groceries, that would also incentivize him to go to the dining room where the food is. Also, don't spend the night there - tell him you need to be with your husband, which is the truth.
Sometimes the bereaved husband (or divorced husband) tries to pull the daughter into the position of surrogate wife. Right now you're doing a lot of things that his wife would have done for him. It's not a good dynamic for either one of you, so good luck in taking your relationship with dad in a different direction.
I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. May The Lord give you and dad grieving mercies, strength, comfort and guidance during this new season in life.
it won’t hurt to ask
it’s kinda crazy because not only did I lose my husband, she in turn lost her dad and had to keep it together around me and see me grieve..she was comforting me.. she planned the services. She arranged everything. I texted her the other day. I had myself a pity party..I need to stop drinking. I was completely out of it the following day..
everyone asked what I was going to do after he died. I replied that I was going to sleep. I haven’t done much..
ostrich syndrome.
I’m younger than your dad, but everyone grieves in their own way. Hes in independent living. Can you hire a caregiver to come in and take him for a walk..get him acclimated to going to the dining hall. Does this place have caregivers for hire a couple hours a week? He needs someone, other than you, to walk him to the dining hall, get him into social activities in the facility, get him to the exercise class.
check into that. See if that works. Hiring a caregiver a couple hours a week is very helpful for my friend’s husband..just until he is through his grieving stage and dependency on you..
mull it over.. tell dad you are getting him a caregiver to get through this hard time, but you still go over once a week to dine with him in the dining room.
Bring your husband along. It’s no picnic , and it’s hard on you too, but together, you snd husband can get your dad through this. With a caregiver on board it may go more smoothly. He didn’t need one 24/7.. just a couple hours a couple days a week, and then you & your husband go on a Saturday or Sunday.
It is time to discuss with your dad the fact that you cannot be "on-call" for him, and you cannot continue to be there three times a week. That therefore a move to ALF is appropriate for him.
If he will not do that, you need to make it clear to him that he is on his own, and will be needing to hire help. "Independent" is "independent". The enabling this can not go on and on; you are stressed and it is putting stress and pressure on your marriage.
Make clear this isn't an option for your father anymore.
You CAN and SHOULD do this gently; your father has sustained a loss he may not long survive; that's a fact. But the move to ALF may just help him. He may stop all the self-medicating with alcohol (though if he is an alcoholic he will not).
He will have friends and activity.
This is up to you. As long as you remain easily manipulated you will be manipulated, and there will be no thanks for your help; it will simply be expected.
This is up to you.
No one can do it for you.
Children of elders often take up caregiving to the extent they feel responsible for the "happiness" and "satisfaction" of their parents. They become not children, but caregivers. When in life was your father always "happy". And why do we think that end of life, of all times filled with loss, is about "happy". It isn't. Stop expecting it to be.
I am so sorry for your recent loss of your Mom. But this isn't sustainable.
You have to set boundaries. Stop answering the phone so often. Maybe set a time for phone calls. Visit only twice a week, maybe take him to lunch one of those days so he has something to look forward to.
When my father lived on his own, I would visit once every other week to take him grocery shopping. He'd call often and the first words out of his mouth were always "I've got a problem...." Never asked how I was. Always finding an excuse to get me there more often.
I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. Your family is grieving, especially your dad who has lost his long time spouse.
Men in his generation don’t always reach out for help in the way of therapy, but if you could encourage him to seek grief counseling it might help.
Your dad would do better if he had more supervision by a staff in assisted living rather than independent living. They are more efficient at handling these issues.
Help your dad and yourself by helping him to know that others are available for him. Being his advocate can be more effective than doing everything for your dad yourself.
Wishing you peace as you navigate through this difficult period in your life.
Your dad might have mild cognitive impairment or the beginings of dementia--your mother may have been providing him with enough support that it wasn't obvious. The move and her death may have exacerbated it. He may not be able to live independently.
It's not for the reasons people think either. They do it for the companionship and because they are used to being taken care of.
I'd be more worried about the drinking with your father. If he calls you when he's had a few tell him plainly that you do not want to hear from him when he's drinking and hang up. My ex-husband used to do that. We were friends after we divorced. He'd get drunk and call me at all hours just to talk. Nope. No drunk calls.
Your father needs to start participating in the meals and activities where he lives. Don't allow him to make you his social life. You will live to regret it my friend. Oh yes, you will. It's time for you to show dad a little tough love for his own good. You do this by putting a little distance. Talk to him three times a week like you do. Then have a normal visiting schedule and stick to it.
Depending on your father's health and ability would it be possible for him to have some kind of job like volunteer work? Would it be possible to speak to the administrator of the place where he lives and ask if there is anything he can help out with?
This will get him out of his space and interacting with his neighbors.
I saw many folks like your dad when I was a supervisor at an AL facility. Some of us on staff would find small tasks for some of the residents who struggled socially. There was the lady who folded napkins in the dining room for meals. This didn't need to be done but she took this "job" seriously and it looked nice. After a while she made friends with a few of the old ladies.
Your father needs something to do to feel useful. Talk with the activities director explain about your father. At the AL we'd ask a resident who was lonely if they'd go on a trip with someone so that person wouldn't have to go alone. The old guys always said yes. It makes a person feel good to help out.
Talk to the staff where your father lives.