My psych doc keeps telling me to place mom in memory care unit. No can do. Any ideas to prevent caregiver burnout?

I looked at your profile, and the list of your mother's support needs, which seems to me to be undeliverable by one person. And you're refusing to hear what your psych doctor says, and saying that his recommendation is no good to you and what you need are ways to stop yourself burning out. Ways, that is, to make yourself somehow immune to the stress you're under.

But that is a bit like asking for good home remedies for burns and scalds while you're still holding tight to the saucepan.

On at least one point I do totally disagree with your psych doctor. How the heck does he know what's become of your mother's soul? Arrogant so-and-so. But even if he were right, even half-right, say it becomes as if your mother's soul is waiting to be released perhaps, the "shell" is very precious and merits excellent care. Where you're wrong is in thinking that only you, and you on your own, can give it.

Your mother would know immediately if you were transferring her to a home... So I should hope. I don't at all agree with tricking people or keeping information from them about where they are to live and who they will be living with; as far as possible, they should be given this information in a way they are able to digest. So I don't understand: why is this an obstacle?

And why would it be only you trying to find a memory care facility?

EssieMarie, I would find another doctor. You don’t need to go to someone to find more stress. You need objective support.
i understand the burnout. I’m in a 24/7 living arrangement with my mom. Dementia and health problems are changing by the day.
i have some support through family, but at this point for me, it’s not enough.
I am looking at hiring someone for a few hours and I just bought a camera for those urgent errands that I have to run.
self-care is the answer, but it sure isn’t an easy one. Bits complicated.
My prayers are with you.

Do you have any home care services? Have you actually applied for Medicaid for her and been denied?

https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/medicaid-virginians-needing-assisted-living-home-health-care.html

EssieMarie, some resources to check: your local area's Council on Aging; Benefits.gov, BenefitsCheckUp.org

Also contact social services through your county's Dept of Health and Human Services to see if you can get an in-home assessment for services.

You need respite: some daily and a longer period weekly and an annual extended vacation.
You need caregivers who can come in and help you shoulder the load.
You need friends who will support you just by letting you chat about something other than caregiving, but who won't mind being your sounding board for that as well. (I tried not to test my friend's patience too much and was grateful when I found this forum).
You need to make stress relief a priority - I walked a lot and learned how to run, some people turn to prayer or meditation, you need to find what works for you.

I got lots of well meaning advice from people to "go back to being a daughter instead of a caregiver", it infuriated me and made me all the more determined to soldier on. The thing is they weren't altogether wrong but the time just wasn't right for me to hear it, it 'was' a huge relief to step back from that role after I totally flamed out - despite my best intentions my mom lived a year and a half in a nursing home. I will challenge anyone who tries to tell me she was just a soulless shell😠, if your doctor can't empathize with that then perhaps they aren't a good fit for you.

Well, you are on anti-depressants. Dr. may feel having Mom in a MC will help you. But I think you will stress out worrying about her too.

So like suggested, find some resources to help you.

You need to find placement for mom, as my children as you do not want to hear this. Your psych doc is a bit arrogant and it is obvious he has never cared for an elderly parent with dementia.

However, he is right, you need to find placement for mom to get your life back. Have you tried to find a place? There are geriatric care managers that will help you find the place that will provide mom the care she needs. Her assets are gerontologist need, her income too high. There are waiver programs that make the qualification possible. The geriatric care manager can help you with that too.

Do what is best for mom's needs and yours.

I think Essie is adamant that Mom is not going to a NH. And with this virus going around you have to see her point. Mom maybe safer at home.
So finding help is what she needs.

If Mom is low income, try Medicaid for in home care. Then the aide can do the bathing and give u some hours to yourself. You can then run errands go to lunch with a friend. Maybe just take a nap un-interrupted. Go to a park, read a book. If u can afford it, find an aide. Private or an agency. Call your County Office of Aging. They may supply aides.

Come back and tell us how things work out.

I would wait until this Coronavirus goes away & then start thinking & looking for a facility. You have to get a nursing assessment for her & then present it to admissions. That’s if you want to avoid the 3 day hospital requirement. If mother still walks w walker & not immobile, maybe you can start looking at ALF or memory care. In any event, now is not the time to move her, in my opinion. If psych dr makes you more aggravated than calm, don’t go back to him. Hugs 🤗

Let's forget about mom for just a minute.
I am concerned that your therapist is not listening to you or at least not hearing what you are saying. To spend an hour "stressing you out" and pretty much berating you for your beliefs I think that is outrageous. I would fast be looking for another therapist that will not put additional stress on you at this time.
Now back to mom
If you can and want to keep her at home...great.
The big question is do you have help? Use some of her funds to get a caregiver that will come in ideally at least 1 day a week for a full day, more often would be better. This would give you a break. Use the time to do some errands, a bit of "me" time or just sit and read a book or the paper at a local coffee shop, go for a walk in the park. Just relax!
There are Volunteer Agencies that will also companion sit.
If mom is on Hospice (might want to check into that you may be surprised to find she might be eligible) but Hospice has to have volunteers and they will come and stay with her for a while so you can get out.
And again..find another "therapist"

I love how people who have never cared for a parent with Alzheimer’s automatically say to put them in a facility! They are not for everyone and not everyone can afford them. Having cared for both of my parents with Alzheimers and on antidepressants while doing so.... let me tell you the palliative program for dementia patients got me through it. They come to your home and are more for the caretaker! Looks like there is one in your area...
Freda H. Gordon Hospice and Palliative care

Essie thank you so much for sharing of yourself and seeking thoughts and idea's about your current circumstances. I congratulate you for realizing how important it is in seeking steps and coping skills regarding caregiver burnout. I had a similar scenario with my Phsych. at our last meeting. He got very upset with me because I have not become consistent daily in taking baby steps on any one area of household and personal duties that have now accumulated and become overwhelming. I feel as if I am in this rotation that I can't break out of long enough to accomplish the minimal of things sometimes. When I first moved in with my mother about 15 Yrs. ago I had the ability to continue working full time and have a full time caregiver 5 days a week. This allowed for me to contribute to the caregiver costs alongside with a reverse mortgage that had been taken out. Regardless of how inexpensive a caregiver's costs are or not at some point the funds run out. There is no tax right off at the end of the year for the payer of services. I believe that in the state of Calif. in order to receive Medi-Cal and than In Home Support Services a person's gross can not be more than approx. $1,370.00 a month and you can't have more than $2,000.00 in assets. That does not include a person's home. It is really tough paying $4,000.00 a month or much more in care giving services and only having $2,000.00 in a bank account to begin with and than not making more than $1,370.00 on top of that ! I have been at home full time now from my almost 25 year established employment for about 3 yrs. My employer was very understanding and patient when I had to take time off and handle personnel issues . The position that I held was very stressful and time sensitive. I think that no matter what, everything wears on a person mentally, emotionally and physically at some point. There is so much involved on so many levels as a caregiver. A caregiver's occupation list of duties is endless and I feel that much of us are in it alone or taking on most of the responsibility. I would say that the majority of people do not understand or realize all that is involved in care giving, especially if you are a very hands on caregiver. They do not see what the big deal is or have there own easy solutions to the problems. "Before you judge a man walk a mile in there shoes". I would say that about 90% of people that know my circumstances do not agree including doctors and professionals on different levels and reasons. I especially believe that doctors and health professionals want to make sure that the well being of the caregiver is of great concern. People may see the staining effects and trauma in a caregivers personal appearance, mental and emotional problems and personality, living circumstances and livelihood. "Sometimes you don't realize you are actually drowning when you're trying to be everyone else's anchor". I hope that I can and will continue to be with my mom until the end. I am definitely afraid at times how and what I will do for work, live and keep myself financially independent at the end of this road. It is very difficult to set boundaries especially when a caregiver is not able to share the responsibility equally and at the same level of care. I want to share a few things that I have attempted and helped.
Schedule time for yourself daily
Counseling
Try to maintain order on a daily basis for as long as you can
Watch on YouTube and or listen to meditation beg. of day
Take 5 minutes and write in a note book anything that comes to your mind. Do not read it, no sense at all, keep pen moving
Find humor in movie, game, sing, act silly etc.
Writing on a site like this where you can participate, support and share
Contact: Family Caregiver Resource Center (Orange County 800-543-8312)
Sit outside or walk and really notice nature
Exercise YouTube
Free class or listen to a book and music. All you need is a library card
Volunteer
New Hobby
Baby Steps for all
You are not alone !

I am surprised that Worried has not responded. She is from Cal and understands their Medicaid system.

You have asked this many times in many posts, but you don't ever follow any of the suggestions.

Your psych doctor is looking out for YOU. Taking care of your mother has affected your life immensely. Haven't you been hospitalized because of it? Didn't you have a breakdown?

If you won't consider ever placing her in a facility, then not much is ever going to change.

There is no sure fire way to prevent caregiver burnout. Many on this forum have given excellent suggestions. Get help, call Council on Aging, see a different doctor. All good advice. But I have to agree with Country Mouse; you're still hanging on to the hot saucepan. You could go on vacation for a week and you're still coming home to the same situation. For that one week though, you were care free and without stress. So was the respite any help? Probably not. It's back into the frying pan.
What I'm trying to say here is; you can't keep this up. And why would you even want to? Giving care to an elderly parent in the best scenario is still hard work, never mind a parent with dementia. I get it. I've been there. My mother lived with me for 12 years until she had a stroke and she had no other recourse but to go to a NH. I have to work a full time job as I am divorced and only have my income to pay my bills. My siblings are useless, BTW. Of no help....ZERO.
I don't think anyone is being selfish when the time comes where a parent needs FT care. And they shouldn't feel guilty about it either.
So stop beating yourself up and start looking into LTC for your mom. She will be fine. You can visit every day, take her out for a ride, or go to lunch. But at least you will have that time to yourself to take care of your own life. I don't mean to sound harsh, but there comes a time when you have to realize; you just can't do it anymore. The burden of care giving has taken its toll. Accept it and do what's best for you and your mom.
I wish you well.

There are many many many people who have depression, often "clinical" depression, with no know stressors other than being alive. WHICH IS, quite honestly, stressful. My daughter has dealt with Clincal Depression all her life; her father had it. Her son has it. People need help to deal with this. You appear to have thought out your care of your Mom quite well. Were she in a facility you would be stressed as well. And when all that is over there will be stressors in your life; and you may need help dealing with them.
If this is a psychiatrist then I am, to be frank, quite surprised at his or her response. It seems to me not quite rational over all. Surely they are aware of clinical depression that they cannot pinpoint to a "stressor" that can be relieved. LIFE is STRESSFUL. Right now you need help dealing with it. You may need to consider a more enlightened doctor, in my humble opinion.