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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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They have been independent in their own home until dad fell and had surgery. Now he has a 24/7 care giver. Mom ignores Dad and wants to move out. She’s irrational. What can we do?
I'm not sure I'd call wanting to move out irrational. She'd hardly be the first to find her situation frustrating, exhausting and boring.
Plus, of course, she must be very aware that her clock is running out, too. Perhaps the idea that her remaining time must be spent "imprisoned" in the house with your poor father is overwhelming her.
So, your father has a 24/7 caregiver. Even so it might be tiring for your mother, even though it isn't she providing the hands-on care. Stressful, certainly.
Does she have care needs of her own?
You're definitely not going to change her mind or solve anything, anyway, by telling her she's being irrational and must pull herself together. Have you asked her to tell you about how she's feeling, and what she wants to do about it?
It's not your marriage. It's hers. It's not your life. It's hers. It's not your time. It's hers.
Is she interested in going on a trip? There are plenty of travel guides and trips for old people. Maybe a cruise? Maybe a train trip? What does she want to do with her time?
If she wants to get away, help her do something constructive with her time like planning a trip somewhere. Why not join her on that trip? I think that would be a very special memory for the two of you. Perhaps a few weeks away from your father will put things in perspective for her. It could open a path for her that does not involve leaving your father but does give her the freedom for which she's obviously yearning. Or, it could make her even more resolute that she's done being married to him.
My mother was a very jealous person as well. She had to have all the attention and run the show. You do need to have Mom’s doctor look her over. Chances are with Dad’s issues, her health may have been overlooked. If she’s truly irrational, it may be a UTI or the onset of dementia.
Try taking ner out to lunch or maybe shopping or to the salon. Focus on her. Maybe that’s all she needs.
You could be right - just because somebody has been married forever doesn't mean it was a happy marriage, people stay together for all kinds of reasons. Maybe it's time for a facility for both of them, with separate rooms.
Marriage counselors refer to it as ‘the gray’ divorce and is becoming common among seniors. Marriages that appear to have been fulfilling aren’t necessarily that way under the surface. Seniors know time is running out and no matter the age scramble for independence. Interesting, isn’t it?
Not all gray hair people are ready to give up on life and want to experience new things. Talk to her and see if she is yearning for some new stimulation in life. Something of her own. The best marriages are where people have their own interest as well as common areas.
I know older people in their 90’s who live independently and still active and vibrant. They have better outlooks in life than a cynical younger person. They continually learn and contribute greatly to our society.
Countrymouse, I like your reply very much and I feel very similar. We don’t all fit in the same category. A deeper conversation with her mom would be helpful to determine what is going on.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Plus, of course, she must be very aware that her clock is running out, too. Perhaps the idea that her remaining time must be spent "imprisoned" in the house with your poor father is overwhelming her.
So, your father has a 24/7 caregiver. Even so it might be tiring for your mother, even though it isn't she providing the hands-on care. Stressful, certainly.
Does she have care needs of her own?
You're definitely not going to change her mind or solve anything, anyway, by telling her she's being irrational and must pull herself together. Have you asked her to tell you about how she's feeling, and what she wants to do about it?
It's not your life. It's hers.
It's not your time. It's hers.
Is she interested in going on a trip? There are plenty of travel guides and trips for old people. Maybe a cruise? Maybe a train trip? What does she want to do with her time?
If she wants to get away, help her do something constructive with her time like planning a trip somewhere. Why not join her on that trip? I think that would be a very special memory for the two of you. Perhaps a few weeks away from your father will put things in perspective for her. It could open a path for her that does not involve leaving your father but does give her the freedom for which she's obviously yearning. Or, it could make her even more resolute that she's done being married to him.
Try taking ner out to lunch or maybe shopping or to the salon. Focus on her. Maybe that’s all she needs.
Has she been checked for a UTI?
Is she jealous that he is getting so much attention? My mom would go nuts over that.
It sounds like she is not coping well to all the changes , but it seems like she is having her own medical issues and that is why she can't cope.
Hopefully it is something simple and easily cured.
Just keep reassuring her that dad still needs and wants her even though he has a caregiver now. It probably feels like he has a mistress to her.
Not all gray hair people are ready to give up on life and want to experience new things. Talk to her and see if she is yearning for some new stimulation in life. Something of her own. The best marriages are where people have their own interest as well as common areas.
I know older people in their 90’s who live independently and still active and vibrant. They have better outlooks in life than a cynical younger person. They continually learn and contribute greatly to our society.
Countrymouse, I like your reply very much and I feel very similar. We don’t all fit in the same category. A deeper conversation with her mom would be helpful to determine what is going on.