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I met a wonderful guy through a reputable online dating app. We’ve been texting daily in the app for a month and there’s a definite connection. I’m in my early 50s, he’s in his early 60s. I’m impressed and touched at the way he cares for his dad who is in his late 80s. He doesn’t complain, he cooks, cleans, shops, jokes with his dad, and makes his life as pleasant as possible. I asked him his plans for the future and he said that he will take care of his father until the end. Then he wants to turn up his romantic life, travel and do him. I’m glad he has a plan for his own happiness. Right now though, getting to know him has been a challenge. We text a few lines and then he has to get back to caregiving. Most times it’s near midnight after he has gotten his dad to bed and done the evening chores. He texts me, texts a line or two and then nothing; Poor exhausted fellow falls asleep and I’m left hanging. He’ll eventuality wake up in the wee hours of the night to send an apology. So far, I’ve not gotten angry. How can I? But how am I supposed to get to know him with little snippets of texts each day? We have talked on the telephone. And I did have a background check run on him, and everything checks out. We have both made it clear that we like each other a lot. And I think he’s worth being patient for. How do we make this work when his day is so circumscribed that there’s no time of day to have his undivided attention to get off a meaningful conversation or just finish a conversation? Am I asking too much? I’m not asking to be number one or number anything. His father is and should be the priority. Every day is a gift at that age. What should my expectations be in this blossoming relationship? He has expressed that he does not want to lose me. Please bring on the advice.

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First of all, you do NOT know this man b/c you have NOT met him in person. What you know online, thru texts & phone calls is NOT the same as you'd know in real life. Trust me............I did the whole online dating routine after my divorce in the early 2000's and learned a few things from the Dating Dot Com life:

1. Meet them VERY QUICKLY in real life. Covid is no excuse not to meet; both of you wear a mask and sit apart. One excuse leads to 100 excuses.
2. Do not extend the texting and phone calls out for too long b/c that's a red flag. They're hiding something. Either their photo is very old or they've gained like 200 lbs or they're 4'5" tall or SOMETHING.
3. Meet in a coffee shop and sit close to the exit door. That way, you can make a quick escape if need be. And sometimes, need WILL be.
4. They always always ALWAYS sound wonderful on the phone or in texts and emails. They say sweet things, it's perfect. Real life is a whole different story. It's kind of like 'dating' a prisoner. When it's all on paper, it's romantic! It's fun! He says all the right things! YAY! Then he gets out and all h*ll breaks loose. Same thing with the Dating Dot Com scene.
5. Beware of the man who is SO caught up taking care of their elderly parent (or child or friend or client.....) that they have NO TIME FOR YOU. And remember the following phrase if they have no time for you: "He's just not that into you." Because let me tell you something. A man who is TRULY 'into' a woman and truly interested in pursuing her WILL find time to meet her and spend time with her. Period. No if's and's or but's about it.

Meet him. Quickly. Rip the band aid off. Then, if you like him, realize his first priority is his father, not you. His father may live another 10 or more YEARS. Those years will get worse as far as his health goes and as far as how much time your b/f needs to devote to his care. Do you REALLY want that at THIS stage of your life?

This potential b/f is already in his early 60's........by the time his father passes away, he could be 70. Do YOU want to be a caregiver to THIS man in YOUR retirement years??

Just some things for you to think about. Play the field and DO NOT PUT ALL YOUR EGGS IN ONE BASKET. The men NEVER do when they're on these dating apps. N E V E R. So talk to a few guys and have fun. That's my advice.

GOOD LUCK!
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NeedHelpWithMom Sep 2020
Lea,

Valid points! Dose of reality in your answer. Love it!
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You haven't MET him?

I look good on paper, too. In person, I think a guy would be shocked, and not in a good way.

I'd take this VERRRRY slowly, and not get my hopes up.

His dad could live 10 more years. How long do you want to wait?

Sorry, I am SO skeptical of online dating apps. Have a friend ion her mid-50's who fell for a Nigerian money scam---to the tune of about $7K. She THOUGHT she was talking to a 50 yo businessman stationed in Cyprus. Right. The 'guy' was actually a 22 yo Nigerian national who DID live in the 'bad' part of Cyprus and she got far enough into this 'relationship' to fly to CYPRUS and find him.

Needless, to say, didn't end well. She's lucky she wasn't hurt, other than her pride.
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NobodyGetsIt Sep 2020
"Midkid58,"

"Falling4ACrgvr" is way more gutsy than I would be. Actually, I couldn't do it at all.

Great point about "looking good on paper"- LOL.

I agree there are so many ways people can be scammed or taken advantage of. You're friend was extremely lucky she wasn't hurt in any other way except her pride! Hopefully, she only had to learn that lesson once because if she were to do it again, she might not be so lucky next time.
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"Falling4ACrgvr,"

Food for thought - how many caregivers do you know who don't complain (ever), cooks, cleans, shops, jokes around and makes life for their loved one pleasant 24/7, 365 days a year? He sounds like a "perfect" caregiver, one I only wish I could be.

So far with all the situations I've read on this forum since I joined three months ago, not one in my recollection has that type of story. I am not knocking ANY caregiver on this forum and I think the majority of them are doing fantastic but, they still share frustrations, unforeseen problems that arise in which they ask members of the forum for advice/suggestions etc.

Also, has he mentioned whether or not he's been married before? If so, any idea as to what happened?

When something sounds too good to be true - usually it is.
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NeedHelpWithMom Sep 2020
Yes, read my post just below you. She needs proof of his character.

As far as complaining goes, it’s normal! Even my therapist told me it was okay to get angry over legitimate reasons.

Besides, I truly despise ‘Pollyanna’ types. They are usually fake! Everyone has bad days. No one is upbeat all of the time.
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I apologize for being blunt here.

"...What should my expectations be in this blossoming relationship?..."

Your guy hardly has anytime for himself and much less for a relationship. So, I wouldn't characterize your relationship as "blossoming." It's not going to blossom into anything fulfilling by your expectation. Perhaps after his dad dies. It could be months or it could be years from now.

He needs a bit of relationship outside of his stressful caregiving job. I totally get it and I don't blame him. Caregiving sucks the life out of the caregivers. So he went searching online and met you. Whatever attention he can give you now is probably the most he can give you. Demanding more from him will put extra burden and extra stress on the poor guy, and will result in disappointment on your part.

So, the decision is yours. Accept him as he is and be OK with the little attention he can give you. Or move on. Both choices are not wrong. The wrong choice is staying with him and demanding more attention which he can't give.
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Falling4ACrgvr Sep 2020
Hello! I appreciate your bluntness! That’s my exact thought, it’s wrong for me to ask for more than this right now. From what I have been able to learn from him, it has been confirmed by the background check (so he’s not married and trying to cover it up with a caregiving ruse). We are a 5 hour drive from each other and COVID is abound, so meeting anytime soon is off the table (to keep ourselves safe and his dad safe). Our phone calls were longer, almost two hours each time, with his father nearby. But they were honest and genuine. He didn’t avoid any questions that I asked. I guess I will cool my heels, wait it out at least until COVID dissipates or there’s a viable vaccine. Once I can meet him and or his dad in person, I will be able to make my decision. Many thanks!
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Hi, as a caregiver in my 60's for my 94 year old Mom as much as I would love to have a serious romantic relationship it's totally impossible. I would say about 80% of my day is taking care of my Mom which leaves nothing left over.

The only way I can see your possible relationship working is if you went over to this guy's house and helped him take care of his Dad if this guy allows you to. You would need to learn about his Dad's needs and about caregiving.

As far as this guy being on a dating app, my guess is he is doing this because he needs an escape from caregiving as well as wishful intentions to hopefully have a romantic relationship one day.

If I were in your shoes I wouldn't expect much from this guy because of his caregiving. I would look for someone else who is available in every way.
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Falling4ACrgvr Sep 2020
Hello! Thank you for your honesty. We are 5 hours from each other. I have a law practice. I’m not able to participate in caregiving. He has not asked or hinted at my participation. He wants a life of his own. I do believe that. But it’s far from his reach unless he gets a paid caregiver or his siblings to take over more often. Thank you so much and take care!
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I don't want to burst your bubble, but how can you call this a "blossoming" relationship, when he sends you only "snippets" of texts. I'm sure that he is probably lonely looking after his dad, but is it really fair to leave you hanging for who knows how long until his dad dies? Gosh, that could be 10 plus years or more. Are you willing to put your life on hold and wait for someone that long? I wouldn't. You nor him are getting any younger you know.

I say remain friends,(if you want to)but you keep looking for someone that's more available, and in 10 years or more when his dad has died, if you nor him are in a relationship with someone else at the time, you can then revisit this. Best wishes.
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Falling4ACrgvr Sep 2020
Hello there! No please, burst away lol. I am an attorney with a law practice. My days are long. I’m long divorced but have not dated at all. I use relationship like I use friendship. As in my relationship with my friends, my daughters, etc. It’s not a relationship in context. We are 5 hours from each other. All we can be is good friends for now. And like you said, when his caregiving duties are relieved and we are both still single, then we will take the cue from there. Thank you and be well!
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Well. If you like him and you'd like to get to know him in future, I should keep busy with other things and enjoy the occasional little snippets of text.

Expecting anything more than that would be wildly optimistic and a little unreasonable. But a shared ray of sunshine every couple of days is not nothing, as long as it's not *all* you've got to enjoy.

Trying to "make it work," by the way, must inevitably add to his burden. He Does Not Have Time. And attempting to improve his caregiving productivity - while that might be possible in theory - would be outrageously presumptuous. Don't even think of doing that at this point.
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Falling4ACrgvr Sep 2020
Hello there! I agree. I think this guy is sincere. I have checked him out thoroughly (I’m an attorney). The last thing I want is to add more to his pile. My life is pretty busy. Dating has never held much priority as I could never seem to find the time. There’s also a five hour distance between us. There are many obstacles. Time will tell, but for now he is at the top of the friends list. Thanks for the wisdom!
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I am with CM. How about for now just being a friend. Someone he can talk to and maybe "dump" on. Let him lead the way.

Caregiving is hard and sometimes effects the health of the Caregiver. Their days are focused on one person. Anytime they get is doing shopping and errands. No real time to themselves. Some just burn out. I really don't see this relationship "blossoming" anytime soon. I wouldn't hang my hat on it. Nor, would I go visit and help out after a month.

Go on with your life. Work, enjoy friends, have interests. Even if u saw this guy everyday for a month should you jump into anything.

I like that you appreciate our honesty. Some posters don't.
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Falling4ACrgvr Sep 2020
Hello! Thank you for your candor! I’ve been in his shoes. I’ve been burnt out. I did end up hiring around the clock help because I’m an attorney. I need to be sharp each day. “Relationship” was used out of context as I tend to use this word exchangeably with “friendship”. There has been no expectation set of me helping him in any capacity. I have a law practice. That’s just not possible right now. He’s also a 5 hour drive from me. He’s a great guy and I plan to keep him as a friend. He does need a good ear. If he plans to move forward with his life, meaning, hiring help or more sibling involvement then great. We can get to know each other more. Take care!
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Falling, I am someone who met my husband on Match.com. As it happened, after we'd spoken a few times, I recognized his last name and it turned out I knew his daughter, who was in the sane age group as my children. I knew someone who knew his family and checked him out that way.

That being said, I would NEVER think of someone who you've chatted with a few times via text and phone as being a "boyfriend", potential or no.

This is an aquaintance and should be treated as such.
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I am going to throw a red flag! Why would a 60+ year old man carry his dad and not use a wheelchair? That is a waving red flag if I ever saw one.

Not even getting into dropping out of conversations only to text you back in the middle of the night.

As long as you know that you are being played and are having a good time with it, you are a grown woman that can do what she likes.
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BarbBrooklyn Oct 2020
Huge red flag, I agree.
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