My mom has always been insane to deal with. It's hard to even explain how nasty, manipulative, suspicious and mean she can be BUT loves us more then the world. Ick.
I am 51 and she is 81. I do believe she has love in her heart for us but her narcissism and BPD make the relationship near impossible. When I see her name come up on my phone a feeling of deep dread comes over me. I often can't pick up or it will emotionally dysregulate my whole day. Yet not picking up fills me with anxiety knowing I do eventually have to return that call.
My brother cut her out 3 years ago and so here I am alone to deal with her insanity.
She is on a constant loop about my sister in law being the evil controlling force behind my brother cutting her out. She isn't. She can go on and on about this and repeat the same story of the horrible horrible things my S.I.L. has done to destroy her life. Someone has always been the target. It is ALWAYS someone else's fault. Self reflection and self responsibility are not possible.
Yesterday Meals On Wheels (second visit) called and told me that my mom said, "I don't need food, I need a therapist!" They said take advantage and call APS and do a wellness check. I've called APS on her 3 x prior and because she wasn't an immediate threat they could do nothing.
This time the cop said she was suicidal. My mom would never kill herself but she was willing to go to the hospital. Now I await the rage filled call as she knows the psych nurse called me and I was somehow involved.
I pray that she gets a psych evaluation and gets on meds. I've been praying for this for 30 years. However, I realize it might not do much and she is showing signs of dementia.
Anyways, thank you for reading. I feel so alone in this whole situation and feel completely trapped. My husband has been a saint and helpful but he can emotionally separate from it.
All I've ever wanted is for my mom to be happy. "What do I have to be happy about?!!!" And for her to leave me alone. "You guys treat me like an old rag!!!" And "you have absolutely no emotion...so cold." Yes I have insulated myself pretty well. I do love and care for her and have cried so many tears esp these last few months as I see her deteriorate but I also would love to put her in a home where she got excellent care and visit once a year.
Until you take in that fact completely and without any "buts", you will be on the hook for her emotional blackmail.
Do you have a therapist? You've been groomed over the course of a lifetime to think that YOU have the remote that says "mom's happiness; push here".
You don't.
Your mom wants a drama partner, not a loving daughter. Trying to keep her safe isn't enough for her; she wants your whole life to be at her beck and call--to ramp up to her level of hysteria and rage when she pushes the button, to mirror hers.
The best course of action is to let the hospital do their job. When they call to say she is ready for discharge, let them know in no uncertain terms that mom lives alone and that there is no family to assist.
They will work with her (it sounds like she is competent) to get her placement or help at home. Let HER make the choices; make sure the hospital knows that YOU are not the plan.
Visit, or call, on YOUR terms from here on in.
That is amazing advice. Thank you. My mom seems so normal when she need be that I hope she doesn't fool them into thinking she is fine. The nurse was implying that and I had to say, "Nooo...she is not fine!" and explain what is going on.
I do have a therapist and I wrongly phrased it re: my mom's happiness. She does think I am responsible for her well being and happiness but I know I'm not. There was a period though that I did think I could work some miracles but soon became bitter and exhausted.
Therapists 20 years ago said, "cut her off." I did not but I limit contact and act pretty unemotional so she doesn't think she can come to me for every little thing. She is an energy vampire that would call me 3-4x a day if I let her.
So, my mother is now 95 on the 20th of the month and has advanced dementia & lives in Memory Care Assisted Living. It's only been RECENTLY that SOME of her horrible behavioral abnormalities have lessened up a BIT. She still has a forked tongue like nobody else on earth, cusses like a sailor, and says mean things about everybody, but she's a bit too confused to remember who she's mad at or why. It's sad on the one hand to witness such a level of deterioration, but it's nice on the other hand that she's stopped being SO horrible that I can bear her company. Sometimes. Placing your mom into a managed care environment really IS the best thing for the both of you for a few reasons.
First, she will get good care and a routine to follow. Women like this NEED a routine and it helps with dementia to know what's coming next. Once she gets the proper medication prescribed for these hideous mood swings, then the facility will dole them out on a schedule and she'll be better regulated that way. She'll have social interaction and you won't be responsible to be her entertainment committee. She'll keep (probably) her tirades to a minimum b/c she'll be living in a community and likely not want to act out in front of her peers. That saves her face and YOUR sanity. My mother has thrived in AL and now Memory Care since 2014; she's got a routine, a meal schedule, activities and lots of people to pay attention to her which is what she desires. I go see her once a week as a rule and we speak on the phone a few times a week. I manage her entire life FOR her from my desktop. It's more than enough.
I've also stopped 'trying to make her happy' b/c I realized years ago it was impossible, so why try? A person who has 'nothing to be grateful for' will never BE grateful, so why am I breaking MY back here? Hello? It was a wake up call for ME to hear HER make that statement; it kind of set me free. My mother's chronic unhappiness is HER problem, not mine. Same goes for you.
In a way you are alone in this situation, as I am, b/c there's nobody else who's emotionally invested in this relationship like you are. The best thing to do is to set boundaries and make hard rules for this relationship moving forward. They're for YOU and not her. Don't break them. Stick to them like glue b/c she'll look for cracks in your armor and take advantage of them. See if you can get her into managed care after this hospitalization and on meds to control her moods. Mine takes 300mgs of Wellbutrin which is the max and Ativan at 7 pm daily. It helps a bit, which is better than nothing.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. Sending you a hug and a prayer that you can continue detaching a bit and protect yourself along the way.
She’s not your responsibility for one thing, and for another thing you already know that you are bound to fail in this happy ‘want’. Sort out what is achievable, and walk away from what is a waste of time and energy.
I come from a culture (Korean) where your elders are your responsibility. Even their happiness is your responsibility. Fortunately I was raised in the "me" culture of America and don't fall too deep into that trap.
When this woman died suddenly I was curious to see what this supposedly heartless son was like. At the memorial we met and he was completely kind, gracious and the sort of son any normal person would be thrilled to have.
I should note he also lived on the other side of North America from her and strictly limited contact. I think that’s the only way to go, CharleneL.
HER resources fund her care. If she has nothing, there is Medicaid.
As she is currently in the hospital, this is on the discharge planners to figure out. Not you.
And don't sign ANY forns that make you financially reaponsible for anything.
I think your comment that all you want is for your mom to be happy is a little off base. You most assuredly want more in life than that? B/C believe me, she is NEVER going to be happy.
My mom is the QUEEN of gray-rocking. If you are not currently on great terms with her, nor 'doing' anything for her, you simply don't hear from her. The 18 months I treated for cancer and did follow up, she never called me, nor sent a card, not once. I live less than 2 miles from her and she couldn't find anyone to bring her down for a visit, she couldn't pick up the phone and call me.
As soon as my hair had grown back so I didn't look so scary--I went to see her. She looked at me and said "Oh, well, you USED to be my prettiest child". WTH? I think I stayed about 10 minutes and then left. I think not having that in my life was better than hearing it weekly.
Mom's been absolutely miserable all her life. She talks like she was a little princess (which she was) but also adds into that narrative that my dad didn't take good care of her. The man did everything on earth to make her happy and finally quit trying about year 35.
5/6 of us kids have been, or are, on antidepressants. All in therapy at one time or another. Mom's 92 and will live to 100. She stills acts like a Kindergartener, jealous of the other ladies at BINGO, who have life 'better' than she does.
And my Dh has his own Narc mom and he has NOTHING to do with my mom, and I have NOTHING to do with his.
We can't change them, we can't bring any joy into their lives. It's weird how we found each other in this crazy world---our mothers could be twins.
I meant that is all I wanted for her. I just wanted to hear, "I'm doing great and this is what I have going on..." That would have filled me with joy if only fleeting.
I am so sorry about your mom and (gasp) MIL. Double whammy. Smart to stay far away from her.
Thank you so much for your kind reply.
Now that I know you are Korean American, the pieces kind of fall into play as I too am Korean-American.
The deal is that you can't expect a free nanny slave, not in Korea and not in America. Nor can you act out in either country, not even as the elder.
No one's not coming to see her because she's merely old. They are not coming because she's so mean and stubborn and fearful.
This isn't just Koreans BTW. My ILs are white as the driven snow. Both are sick. They think that when one of them goes, the other one will die of heartbreak. How romantic, but it almost never happens by nature's course. If they want help then they have to be nice about it. Or get help from strangers. That's it.
As my brother said, "it does not pay to be nice to her." Amen.
When I use to spin on, "wtf is wrong with her?!" all I could come up with is that she was Korean. However, I know that is not the reason. Though I think her life in Korea was quite harsh. One of many children and the black sheep of the family. She got knocked up by an American soldier that left her 6 months pregnant.
Anyways, complicated but I really really appreciate your replies. I felt out of body when the cop called yesterday and the psych nurse.
Mom is mentally ill. You can’t fix that. You can’t love her into being happy. You are worth saving!
No one can really cure Cluster B personality disorders. They're a lifelong thing rooted in early childhood. The only way they change their behavior is if they feel they'll get a larger cookie by doing so--but they won't really change themselves. They can't.
Don't take her phone calls immediately. They go to voicemail or text. If either indicates she is either in some sort of custodial situation, then you get immediately involved. Of course the more times she is in that predicament, the more the authorities will be inclined to do something and the more you'll agree with them. Tell her that as to ward off the attention seeking behavior.
I understand your exasperation with your mom.
Two things: You said, "My husband has been a saint and helpful but he can emotionally separate from it." I would suggest you too learn how to emotionally separate from your mom's manipulative shennanigans. Practicing "grey rock" helped me place distance between myself and my mom's FOG (manipulation through Fear, Obligation, and Guilt). You might want to find out from your husband how he manages.
Second thing: You said, "All I ever wanted is for my mom to be happy." Trust me when I say you'll never, ever make your mom happy. It's futile. People like your mom thrive on dissatisfaction and stirring up chaos. And why do you feel responsible for your mom's happiness? What about YOUR happiness?
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