My Narc. BPD mom is driving me over the edge. Any thoughts?

Wait--this is MY mom!!

I think your comment that all you want is for your mom to be happy is a little off base. You most assuredly want more in life than that? B/C believe me, she is NEVER going to be happy.

My mom is the QUEEN of gray-rocking. If you are not currently on great terms with her, nor 'doing' anything for her, you simply don't hear from her. The 18 months I treated for cancer and did follow up, she never called me, nor sent a card, not once. I live less than 2 miles from her and she couldn't find anyone to bring her down for a visit, she couldn't pick up the phone and call me.

As soon as my hair had grown back so I didn't look so scary--I went to see her. She looked at me and said "Oh, well, you USED to be my prettiest child". WTH? I think I stayed about 10 minutes and then left. I think not having that in my life was better than hearing it weekly.

Mom's been absolutely miserable all her life. She talks like she was a little princess (which she was) but also adds into that narrative that my dad didn't take good care of her. The man did everything on earth to make her happy and finally quit trying about year 35.

5/6 of us kids have been, or are, on antidepressants. All in therapy at one time or another. Mom's 92 and will live to 100. She stills acts like a Kindergartener, jealous of the other ladies at BINGO, who have life 'better' than she does.

And my Dh has his own Narc mom and he has NOTHING to do with my mom, and I have NOTHING to do with his.

We can't change them, we can't bring any joy into their lives. It's weird how we found each other in this crazy world---our mothers could be twins.

Your mom sounds a lot like mine in certain ways. Things they say leave you guilt ridden, I know. My mom & I live together so the only escape is work. Recently after trying for very long time Fam Soc Srv has been around. They've been able to get medical assistance, therapist to visit & give Mom ability to vent, when she will. I've started seeing my own counselor it does help. I have a sis that's pretty much just decided she's too busy to help out. It's certainly caused a break in us ever rebuilding relationship. Just try to have yourself taken care of in order to be able to live on what I call "Roll a coaster", "Hamster Wheel" , "Rabbit hole" mom keeps me in. If you don't, you'll be no good to your husband, mom or especially self. Good luck

Charlene,

I understand your exasperation with your mom.

Two things: You said, "My husband has been a saint and helpful but he can emotionally separate from it." I would suggest you too learn how to emotionally separate from your mom's manipulative shennanigans. Practicing "grey rock" helped me place distance between myself and my mom's FOG (manipulation through Fear, Obligation, and Guilt). You might want to find out from your husband how he manages.

Second thing: You said, "All I ever wanted is for my mom to be happy." Trust me when I say you'll never, ever make your mom happy. It's futile. People like your mom thrive on dissatisfaction and stirring up chaos. And why do you feel responsible for your mom's happiness? What about YOUR happiness?

Why do you have to bear the brunt? Just because your brother cut her off (smart move!) doesn’t mean you must be the one to take any of her abuse. Or talk to her at all. You are just as free to walk away.

Mom is mentally ill. You can’t fix that. You can’t love her into being happy. You are worth saving!

Charlene, I’ve been thinking about your reply about ‘All I've ever wanted is for my mom to be happy’. Of course what you say is correct, we all have lots of ‘wants’. Mother's happiness is not the only one, but this is how you first wrote it down. Perhaps a type of Freudian Slip?

It might be good to spend a few minutes thinking about the true answer to ‘All I’ve ever wanted’. Get your mother’s happiness in it’s right place in the list of what you really want and need. It doesn’t head the list.

You know that you cannot take responsibility for someone else’s happiness, if they refuse to be satisified with reality. Your mother has a duty to you, her daughter, as well as any duty you have to keep her safe and cared for. If she ignores her own responsibility for her own happiness, you are not going to make her happy by carrying out her never-ending list of ‘wants’. Perhaps a silent small bow, then walk away?

Hi Charlene.

Now that I know you are Korean American, the pieces kind of fall into play as I too am Korean-American.

The deal is that you can't expect a free nanny slave, not in Korea and not in America. Nor can you act out in either country, not even as the elder.

No one's not coming to see her because she's merely old. They are not coming because she's so mean and stubborn and fearful.

This isn't just Koreans BTW. My ILs are white as the driven snow. Both are sick. They think that when one of them goes, the other one will die of heartbreak. How romantic, but it almost never happens by nature's course. If they want help then they have to be nice about it. Or get help from strangers. That's it.

Charlene, it is not for YOU to afford care for her.

HER resources fund her care. If she has nothing, there is Medicaid.

As she is currently in the hospital, this is on the discharge planners to figure out. Not you.

And don't sign ANY forns that make you financially reaponsible for anything.

‘All I've ever wanted is for my mom to be happy’. Really? Don’t even think this, let alone write it down. Work out what you want for yourself and for the other people in your lives. Your Narc/BPD mother comes a long way down the list.

She’s not your responsibility for one thing, and for another thing you already know that you are bound to fail in this happy ‘want’. Sort out what is achievable, and walk away from what is a waste of time and energy.

My father had a friend with BPD who did some of the same hurtful, unreasonable things to her adult son. (It’s as if they are all operating from the same playbook!) In addition to the kind of antics you describe, the friend also would compose long, accusatory emails (which she would demand my dad read and of course he would try to reason her out of sending to the son) and remove/add the son from/to her will. There was lots of anger towards son’s spouse, and even the beginnings of resentment toward her grandchild.

When this woman died suddenly I was curious to see what this supposedly heartless son was like. At the memorial we met and he was completely kind, gracious and the sort of son any normal person would be thrilled to have.

I should note he also lived on the other side of North America from her and strictly limited contact. I think that’s the only way to go, CharleneL.

I think we have the same mother. :( So filled with love for me, the only child, yet so manipulative, mean & suspicious that it's literally impossible to BE loving and all those other things at the same time, iykwim. She has nothing at all to be happy or grateful for, either, after an entire lifetime of my father giving her all sorts of luxuries. He 'retired too soon' and 'was too poor' and 'too useless' and 'too unloving' towards her and the list goes on. I was adopted so I was never her first choice, just someone she had to settle for, too. I too was groomed from childhood to be her savior and slave, totally responsible for her happiness and entertainment. Except I've been able to step back from the B.S. to some degree and KNOW that it's B.S., recognize it as such, and not take on the role. I refused to have my parents live with me, so they haven't. Thank God for that, at least.

So, my mother is now 95 on the 20th of the month and has advanced dementia & lives in Memory Care Assisted Living. It's only been RECENTLY that SOME of her horrible behavioral abnormalities have lessened up a BIT. She still has a forked tongue like nobody else on earth, cusses like a sailor, and says mean things about everybody, but she's a bit too confused to remember who she's mad at or why. It's sad on the one hand to witness such a level of deterioration, but it's nice on the other hand that she's stopped being SO horrible that I can bear her company. Sometimes. Placing your mom into a managed care environment really IS the best thing for the both of you for a few reasons.

First, she will get good care and a routine to follow. Women like this NEED a routine and it helps with dementia to know what's coming next. Once she gets the proper medication prescribed for these hideous mood swings, then the facility will dole them out on a schedule and she'll be better regulated that way. She'll have social interaction and you won't be responsible to be her entertainment committee. She'll keep (probably) her tirades to a minimum b/c she'll be living in a community and likely not want to act out in front of her peers. That saves her face and YOUR sanity. My mother has thrived in AL and now Memory Care since 2014; she's got a routine, a meal schedule, activities and lots of people to pay attention to her which is what she desires. I go see her once a week as a rule and we speak on the phone a few times a week. I manage her entire life FOR her from my desktop. It's more than enough.

I've also stopped 'trying to make her happy' b/c I realized years ago it was impossible, so why try? A person who has 'nothing to be grateful for' will never BE grateful, so why am I breaking MY back here? Hello? It was a wake up call for ME to hear HER make that statement; it kind of set me free. My mother's chronic unhappiness is HER problem, not mine. Same goes for you.

In a way you are alone in this situation, as I am, b/c there's nobody else who's emotionally invested in this relationship like you are. The best thing to do is to set boundaries and make hard rules for this relationship moving forward. They're for YOU and not her. Don't break them. Stick to them like glue b/c she'll look for cracks in your armor and take advantage of them. See if you can get her into managed care after this hospitalization and on meds to control her moods. Mine takes 300mgs of Wellbutrin which is the max and Ativan at 7 pm daily. It helps a bit, which is better than nothing.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. Sending you a hug and a prayer that you can continue detaching a bit and protect yourself along the way.

I sometimes wonder whether everyone on earth is not a little NPD/BPD. Certainly all babies would fit this definition. Certainly many seniors look NPD/BPD in that they used to have social filters that don't work so well anymore. And/or because they have had a realization that they cannot do by themselves.

You cannot dictate someone else's happiness. It will ruin you. She's moaning about being treated like a "wet rag" because she is one. She's kevetching about how you "have no emotion" because you're probably gray rocking her.

No one can really cure Cluster B personality disorders. They're a lifelong thing rooted in early childhood. The only way they change their behavior is if they feel they'll get a larger cookie by doing so--but they won't really change themselves. They can't.

Don't take her phone calls immediately. They go to voicemail or text. If either indicates she is either in some sort of custodial situation, then you get immediately involved. Of course the more times she is in that predicament, the more the authorities will be inclined to do something and the more you'll agree with them. Tell her that as to ward off the attention seeking behavior.

Charlene; do you realize that mom's happiness is not within your control?

Until you take in that fact completely and without any "buts", you will be on the hook for her emotional blackmail.

Do you have a therapist? You've been groomed over the course of a lifetime to think that YOU have the remote that says "mom's happiness; push here".

You don't.

Your mom wants a drama partner, not a loving daughter. Trying to keep her safe isn't enough for her; she wants your whole life to be at her beck and call--to ramp up to her level of hysteria and rage when she pushes the button, to mirror hers.

The best course of action is to let the hospital do their job. When they call to say she is ready for discharge, let them know in no uncertain terms that mom lives alone and that there is no family to assist.

They will work with her (it sounds like she is competent) to get her placement or help at home. Let HER make the choices; make sure the hospital knows that YOU are not the plan.

Visit, or call, on YOUR terms from here on in.