My mother had always been one of the kindest people you would ever meet. She had so, so many friends, family all love her dearly, and she was never rude or disrespectful of anyone. She now has a lot of the symptoms of early dementia, and can at times be rude and hurtful. One of the things she has started doing is not treating my wife nicely. When they greet or leave, she was always a hugger. If at a family gathering, we always hug when we arrive or leave. My mother has started refusing to hug my wife, and it is very hard to see. My wife has worked hard to let it go, but at times it is really hurting her. It is now at the point where it is hurting me badly to watch my wife cry afterward. My wife continues to forgive her, but it seems we should not let her “get away” with poor behavior like this.
How can we address this? When inappropriate relationship behavior is there, should it be addressed directly?
If it is the dementia, she probably won't have a clue. Which if frustrating because we like to know what is going on.
Encourage your wife to do some research on dementia and the behaviors that you can expect, it will help her understand that it is nothing personal and she won't feel as hurt. I know that when a great hugger stops hugging you it is a loss and she is justified in a few tears, grieving for that loss. You will all find that you are loosing your mom one brain cell at a time and that is why it is called the long goodbye. You loose parts and pieces of your loved one everyday it seems and you grieve those changes as they happen, it is a gut wrenching journey for everyone.
I am sorry that your wife seems to be the 1st one and that your family is facing this. Give your wife a hug and this website. It will help her find peace with her new roll.
But no one is at fault. And no one can fix this. It is, as we on the forum always say, not your mom speaking now, it is the disease.
What you need to do now is accept that. Don't pretend it doesn't hurt. Don't pretend it is not worth crying over. Go ahead. Weep. It clears the head, it washes out the soul.
No, you don't address a broken mind. It is broken. It cannot be helped. There are currently no answers for it. What you DO do is sit together and discuss together what you each are capable of doing moving forward for Mom, for you are losing the person you knew before your eyes, and you will be left with a diagnosis that looks a lot like your Mom used to look. And you will still have to function best you can in her protection without breaking both yourselves and your marriage.
So there is no option but to accept. If anyone needs help then seek it with a licensed social worker trained in dealing with life changes. Talk together. Accept your honest reactions to pain. The honest reaction to pain is to cry.
Next, sit together and discuss what you each are willing to do moving forward, what if and when. DO NOT attempt to take on the 24/7 care of this woman, as that is what will soon be needed if it is not now. Live your lives the best you can, being the good and decent people you are in the midst of a terrible terrible disease.
So sorry for all the pain. Be easy on yourselves. Be gentle on yourselves. Recognize your limitation.
What I have done for years, and what has always served me when dealing with those whom I loved so dearly when they were well, is IGNORE, and if this fails, to continue to ignore.
Your dear mother’s brain is now broken beyond repair, and I know of no test that can reveal a single strategy for reclaiming what was lost. You see her lack of hugging as something she somehow chooses as a reaction to your wife.
If that were so, there would be specific strategies for you to employ to remind her of the kindness and comradeship she experienced with her DDIL in the past. Sadly, it is not so.
”Forgiving” her is important for your wife.
“Ignoring” your mother’s negative conduct is a gift that you may choose, if you decide to, to give to your mother. As the disease process continues, she may treat your wife more warmly, or perhaps not. But in loving her, you must address her just as she is.
This is a disease of tragedy and generosity and loss and compassion. Most of us here are veterans in this war. and we understand how you’re feeling.
I agree u and wife need to get more info on this disease. Call ur local hospital and see if they provide Seminars. One of our local ALs does and all r welcome. There is a video on utube under Alzhemers. Look for the yellow brain. It is about ALZ but my Moms Dementia followed it pretty closely.
Your Moms brain is dying. She cannot be held responsible for what she says or thinks.
But your wife is still responding appropriately by being sad. God knows, this is sad. It would be a good idea to read up on dementia, especially its more challenging aspects, and prepare.
What you need to drop immediately and forever is that idea of correcting your mother's "poor" behaviour. She's not "getting away" with anything. Her brain is disintegrating. Respond to incidents like this in sorrow and not in anger. Don't rebuke her or challenge her - go round the problem.
One way to look at it is to imagine what your "real" mother's feelings would be about the way she is behaving now that she's lost her internal guide, and remember that the real person is not like this.
If it gets much worse - I hope it won't, but it may - then support your wife in putting boundaries in place so that she isn't forced into painful or humiliating encounters. For example, if your mother begins to make unkind personal remarks - again, I HOPE this won't happen, it's just an example - then it needs to be fine for your wife to avoid being out with her in public, or to leave the room, or to do whatever she needs to do not to have to listen to that kind of thing. You can't change your mother's behaviour, but that doesn't mean your wife just has to suck it up.
My MIL has hated me and has been verbal with this since before DH and I got married. I thought time would soften her. Nope, It has gotten so bad I cannot even be in the same room with her--she'll start in on me. (Early dementia now, so she doesn't even have a filter left to keep her from saying nasty things to me in front of anyone).
Your wife DID have a good relationship. She needs to hang on to that. And if she needs to cry, to mourn the loss of that, let her. It's OK to feel bad when sad things happen.
celebration of getting through a difficult situation. A little time to cruise through the bath aisle at the drug store. Some moisturizing cream in a floral fragrance. A cappuccino with whip cream from Wawa.
In the future wait for mom to make the first move to hug, not your wife. Dementia requires a whole new set of rules.
My gram had some dementia and would get into a "do loop" about my grandpa and his brother having disagreements in their business. Gramps chose to sell his portion of the business to his brother, but there were a lot of hard feelings afterward. Of course, Gram took her husband's side and would get into snit fits about Uncle W. I would divert her attention to the last time she saw Uncle W and his family and the changes. I talked and prayed with her about forgiveness. Then, I reminded her that wee had chosen to "forgive" this situation and would change the subject. She eventually let go of this memory and moved onto talking about her childhood friends.
Praying and hoping that your mom will let go of this painful memory and move to more pleasant behavior in the future. If mom becomes agitated, lashes out in frustration or anger... you need to talk to her doctor about medications to help mom relax more and/or antidepressants or mood enhancers to help lift her out of anger.
You can only "correct" your reaction to it.
Is there some other greeting that your mom would use?
It might not be long before your mom stops hugging other people as well. and you should just let this go as well.
Even if your mom does not hug back will she accept a hug from your wife?
I think it was 6 years prior to my Husbands death that he last hugged me. And that hurt. But he would give me a kiss hello, a kiss good bye when I left the house and when I returned. He would hold my hand still but no hugs.
"We" are now teaching children not to be forced into giving someone a hug if they feel uncomfortable. I think the same should hold for any adult that feel uncomfortable with a hug, a kiss or even a handshake. I know lots of people that will not shake hands. They do a fist bump.
The other side to this coin is a dementia patient that becomes very sexual and that brings up a whole 'nuther group of problems.
Allow your wife to remain involved in your mother's life in a way that's not sad and painful for her. Ask your wife to do things behind the scenes that are helpful for you. For example, enlist the help of your wife to find an assisted living community for your mother. Your wife could begin the lengthy process, tour communities herself, and narrow down choices. Once she's found good candidates, tour them with your wife. Once you have your #1 community, make an appointment for your mother to get the grand tour and only you escort her. Directors of ALs are great at working with old people and are far more objective than those of us who are just too close to the situation.
Your mom probably has underlying anxiety about what’s happening. Medication did help my husband with this and helped to stabilize mood. Good luck.
Sometimes dementia makes people lose their inhibitions or the need to keep societal niceties. One may get to see the real nature of a person, since they no longer mask their inner feelings. In your mother mind, your wife may be the person, who stole you away from her. What can you do about it...nothing. Your mother is way beyond understanding societal norms or logical reasoning. Expect the situation to turn worse not better...just keep your wife out of it!
I'm sure it is hurtful and in your case it’s the disease process. But in my case the abuse is bad enough ( and I know stems in part from her narcissism, she still lies and manipulates along with the delusions, so far the narcissism is still in charge) I don’t go around her any longer. It’s a matter of self preservation. You can’t change the situation, to a degree you can try to change how you react but your wife’s feelings matter too, if it’s too painful, stay away. She can do things like make phone calls, order what she needs online etc if she want to help in her care. Maybe she can send cards or gifts . Maybe she’ll attach the name to a memory of someone she lived if she doesn’t see the face. I did that for the last 6 months until my narcissistic sister made that impossible. (🙄🙄🙄) Now I just stay away .
However, you CAN ask your mother why she is acting that way - and see what she says. She may not even be aware that her behavior has changed.
I know its hard to turn the other cheek when she begins to act
in that way. There is really not many options you have. Ignore,
talk to her about it, or forgive and forget.
as time goes on the dementia begins to take over the mind of the
loved one. I had two people, saying very hateful things to me at the same time. yes, its painful at first, but I realized they can not control the disease and I ignored the remarks.
both my parents had dementia and it was very hard to go from room to room listening to nasty remarks on and off day and night.
when I knew the mood was changing for them I simply left the room. this way there was no fighting, yelling or painful memories.
For me when I put my head on the pillow at the end of a long day and sometimes night, I focused on the good conversations we had that day, or the funny things they said, or did that made me laugh.
i am sorry to say that this is the beginning of the end and you should enjoy the talks, laughter and conversations you have with them and push aside the negative.. the negative will disappear but the memories of the loved one will not...........
If she in fact does have dementia, (sounds like she does but your statement says "appears to be.")
If she has dementia, her brain is slowly permanently breaking. Addressing issues and hoping for your loved one to correct her behavior might or eventually will not work anymore. Her behavior is common for a dementia patient.
It's a good thing your wife is still forgiving her because shes not doing this on purpose and can no longer control the dementia behaviors. The part of her brain that controls acceptable polite behavior is being destroyed by the dementia.
Dementia is NOT just about memory loss.
The best way I've found to describe it Is like a car falling apart. Brain = engine, all other parts=rest of body. Parts keep breaking. As each piece breaks the car slowly stops working correctly or at all.
At first you don't notice anything. Next it runs funny, you notice but let it pass with little thought. Eventually it's running but you better take it in to be checked (sounds like your at this point) Now enough parts have broken theres Deffinately something wrong and you need help from a mechanic. (Assisted living) Lastly the car can no longer run. It gets parked and gone because theres no hope of it being what it once was. (Nursing home and passing phase)
Unlike the car our brains dont have parts that can be replaced. The dementia patient just keeps rolling along with the brain breaking piece by piece. Parts are breaking but the car keeps running all be it rough. The ac no longer works, radio shuts down, wipers are working at random, it backfires, etc. If engine (brain) cant run right the rest of the car cant work right either. Hope that makes sense.
I very strongly recommend you and your wife first get her in for a diagnosis. Could be something as simple as UT infection or vitamin deficiency.
Next if dementia, you and your wife need to learn everything you can about this disease, fast.
This is a VERY UGLY NASTY LONG, HEARTBREAKING disease for patient and family! Physically, mentally and emotionally. You do Not want surprises with this!
Watch Teepa Snow on YouTube. She is an excellent speaker teacher and advocate on working with dementia patient's. I So wish someone had told me about her in the beginning. OMG WHAT A DIFFERENCE THAT WOULD HAVE MADE.
Read the 36 hour day.
You and your wife have MUCH bigger things to worry about than misbehaving and your wife being upset. Do you have power of attorney? Get it! Do you have plans on what to do when you can no longer take care of her?
Do you have help and a support system ready for when not if but when you need it. Do you have release of information papers signed at all of her physicians? Get it if you dont have power of attorney.
Sorry don't mean to minimize your wife's concerns but Moms in trouble and the focus needs to be on her and will be for quite a long time.
Good luck now start watching Teepa!
Hugs!
One book that was more helpful to my Husband and his brother than “The 36 Hr Day” was a book called “When Reasoning No Longer Works”. It’s told in a narrative style and was not very long but VERY insightful. It’s available as an E-read also. I highly recommend it. https://www.google.com/search?q=when+reasoning+no+longer+works&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-us&client=safari
Having lived with a Mother In Law who has trated me terribly for many years and my wife frankly tolerating it. This gave mt MIL license to continue. It is CRITICAL that your Mother see the two of you are a commited team. It is the ONLY way to slow it down. There will be a time when the Mother wont know what she is doing and at that pint you will have to find some way to deal with it. BUT until then I urge to make it clear to your Mother ANY negative treatement of your wife will not be tolerated. Unfortunatly this type of abuse WILL cause permanent damage to your marriage up to and including divorce.You have to decide whos "feeling" are important here. If your thinking to your self your Mothers feelings are more important to you than your wifes then your marriage is dead. THis is why every shrink, Minister, priest etc says you MUST put the needs of the marriage first. Your Mother will be long gone but the pain your wife has had to endure Will NOT go away. The worst case is you worry about your Mother and not your wife. Your wife finally cannot tolerate it she leaves then your Mother dies and your alone. I can assure you this can and will happen it is what I am living with. It is all about priorities.
Accept the new person your mother is slowly becoming without her consent, and remember the wonderful hugger she was by giving your wife the hug she would have had on your mother’s behalf.
The advice below re power of attorney is highly valid - without that you’ll need to go through the courts and get permission for every little thing. There are 2 parts, health and finance.
Your wife sounds like a kind kind hearted person - I got used to being called “the chauffeur” instead of my name and no hugs etc. Just enjoy trying to help her retain memories or create happy times now. Laughter is a wonderful medicine. My philosophy was to do what was needed whilst seeing how many times I could get a smile or laugh from my elderly family I cared for no matter how their personality changed.
One aspect of forgetting you never ever run out of topics - and if they repeat a question, as one of mine did, every other question was “and how are you?” I found that by always having to give a truthful yet different answer each time set me a challenge. Rather than, as many did, get frustrated at a repeated question that I knew, as far as the person was aware, it was the first time they had asked, each time. Yes I counted once -22 times in one visit !
Another forgot how to boil potatoes, I went in and realised they had turned the gas on before coming to ask and had to stop them from putting the light on....
Its a hard disease for carers if they don’t have understanding of the disease, compassion for the sufferer, acceptance that their loved one is hidden and can be coaxed into reappearance at times with memories, at least in the early stages, and a healthy dose of humour.
I hope you find a way forward together